I am always engaging in bouts of ill-advised optimism, and yet I too was gearing up to retread the same material about the Seattle Mariners that has dogged the team the past couple of years. Just 10 days ago, things were very grim. The Mariners had once again taken a 90-percent chance to make the playoffs in August—as high as 95 percent on Aug. 12, per FanGraphs—and hucked it out the window. After they lost four in a row to open up September and their playoff percentage fell off a comparative cliff, it was starting to look a little Mariners in there.
But undue optimism never fails! At least, as the past few weeks have taught us, when it's powered by witchcraft. On Sept. 5, Twitter user @notB0bR055 posted "I HAVE PAID AN ETSY WITCH TO UNFUCK THE MARINERS, BESTIES HELP ME MANIFEST 🙏🙏🙏🙏," and later that day posted the official confirmation of the spell, which cost $19.99 and was cast by Etsy retailer SpellByLuna (she is currently not selling on Etsy).
What happened next—the Mariners absolutely smashed the Atlanta Braves in the remaining two games of their series, first 10-2, and then 18-2—can be interpreted two ways. One: It was a coincidence. Two: The effects of the Powerful Custom Spell with Same Day Casting and Fast Results were, indeed, felt immediately. The 18-2 shellacking, which included Cal Raleigh's 53rd home run of the season and another Josh Naylor stolen base, was enough for the Mariners' social media to declare, in professionally understated lapslock, "shoutout to the etsy witch." And that was before the win streak really became a win streak.
The newly unfucked Mariners proceeded to win six more games, all by a margin of two runs or less. They capped off a three-game series sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals with some of the magic that has defined the absurd fun-differential iteration of this team: a 13-inning win that culminated in 22-year-old rookie catcher Harry Ford working a walk-off sac fly. I think Ford will take winning his team the game as a consolation prize for not yet having a hit in the majors; he was immediately tackled to the ground by Luke Raley in the celebrations. The narrow wins continued for their first three games against the L.A. Angels, but as it turns out, that was just because they were once again saving the best for last.
In the end, Sunday's game, in which the Mariners dominated the Angels 11-2, did not need Raleigh's first-inning homer to seal the win, but nobody's complaining. After shattering the single-season record for home runs by a primary catcher, the Big Dumper's dinger rate had dipped for the past few weeks, slipping under the 60-homer pace he'd been on for much of the season. That, of course, doesn't mean he stopped hitting home runs entirely. On Sunday's third pitch, Lefty Raleigh took an 85-mph sinker off the outside of the plate and flicked it to opposite field.
This gave Lefty Raleigh 34 home runs for the season but, more importantly, gave Cal Raleigh as a whole entity 54 home runs on the season, tying Mickey Mantle's 1961 record for home runs by a switch hitter. He has 12 more games left in the season to try to beat it or possibly go for 60, even as the odds are against him.
The undefined ethics and mechanisms of Etsy witches makes me leery of buying a spell for a selfish, numbers-oriented goal such as "Please allow Cal Raleigh to hit 60 homers this season," as opposed to a general desire to unfuck a baseball team. In that light, one spell is enough, and we can just accept the history as it unfolds. It is almost as difficult to process Raleigh's historical accomplishments this season (1961! Mickey Mantle! Having power when the switch hitter archetype has recently been defined by Tommy Edman types!) as it is to process the Mariners finally stopping a late-season skid. The sweep of the Angels extended their post-spell win streak to nine in a row, and they have now overtaken the Houston Astros for first in the American League West. Their playoff percentage is now up to 96.4 percent. This is surely the most prominent any Etsy witches have been in the popular imagination in the past week.
If the pessimist is still in the room, they can make the argument that 12 games remain in the season, even if three of them are against the woeful Colorado Rockies—more than enough for the Mariners to stage a truly abysmal collapse. But in the wise words of the original spell commissioner, the powers of the Etsy witch were less about material change and more about "the team playing as hard as they have, and never giving up," and "hope and belief." Or, as SpellByLuna said in her confirmation message, "Now all you need to do is to stay positive and accept the manifestation of the spell." In other words: Let me have this!
