The Giants Will No Longer Be Pummeling Each Other With Their Crotches

Outfielders have a lot of time on their hands to be alone with their thoughts. The San Francisco Giants don't win a lot of baseball games. Put those two things together and you get magic. Erotic magic.

The history of the outfield post-win celebration is short but storied. When a team closes out a win, that fielding triad will convene to revel in their victory. Often they high five; sometimes that involves jumping. Or they slam asses. Maybe they play rock-paper-scissors. They are limited only by their creativity, and the boundaries of good taste, and sometimes not even that. On Monday night, the Giants, winners of two straight and fresh off a big cross-California win over the Dodgers, felt like celebrating. Outfielders Drew Gilbert, Harrison Bader, and Jung Hoo Lee vigorously slammed into each other groin-first. I mean, they really got after it.

"No comment on that," said Giants manager Tony Vitello. "They're a close-knit group, let's put it that way."

Now, sometimes when you're with the fellas and feeling good, you just need to wallop each other with your penises. Nothing weird about that. When I finish this blog I'm going to celebrate by bludgeoning David Roth with my pelvis. But this particular pelvic pummeling appears to be a natural evolution of the Giants outfield's celebrations this season, which started with a chaste hug and progressed to romance when Lee tried to make the other two kiss. Frankly, it'd be weird if they weren't bumping junk by now.

“A lot of the winning teams, their personality comes out,” Vitello said. “Those guys are all pulling it out of each other.” Seems to me it's more like they're pushing it into each other.

Alas, the celebration is a little too PG-13 for a PG sport. Vitello confirmed before Tuesday's game that "a message has been relayed" to the involved parties to knock it off. And indeed, after the Giants again beat the Dodgers last night, the outfield celebration was notably more somber and respectful.

So: One night only for the Giants OF (that's "outfield," not OnlyFans). At least we'll still have the memories and the bruises.

But wait, what's this? A challenger has emerged: