The Forces Of Nature Are Arrayed Against Jerry Jones

Three hours before kickoff, the Cowboys opened their retractable roof so that God Himself could look down on his creation and recoil in horror. It was a majestic display; that whirring may as well have been the hum of the clockwork of the universe itself.

A half-hour later they closed the roof again. Was Cooper Rush leading the Cowboys to a 34-10 loss to the Texans too powerful to inflict upon the angels? Yes, but also a big honking piece of metal fell from the roof and down to the field.

Thankfully no one was hurt, as this stadium already has enough ways of punishing its fans for attending (it makes them watch the Cowboys). Owner Jerry Jones blamed the wind for the crumbling state of his megalithic tomb.

"Certainly, there was no risk at all to anybody on the field playing once we shut the roof and again," Jones said. "Got a lot of wind gusts in this area this afternoon, and apparently that created some looseness up there. And then when the wind, when we did try to open it up, the wind got in there and exacerbated the looseness."

Ah yeah, you never want the looseness exacerbated. You'll recall last week that Jones beefed with the Sun after it blinded a Cowboys receiver. This required a level of hubris that perhaps no one but Jerry Jones can muster, and the forecast was for revenge. I wonder what will happen next week. Hailstorms? Derechos? Waking up with a scratchy throat because of the low humidity? Do not tempt the weather, Jerry. You can't win this battle.

During the game, workers in the rafters could be seen inspecting and bolting down a second piece of metal. The official Cowboys statement made no mention of the cause, only that the metal chunks were part of a covering for the cable system that opens and closes the roof. But Jerry was adamant that the wind was to blame.

“You had wind gusts all day long and the wind apparently did a little damage, then when we tried to open up, the winds got underneath the roof at that time,” Jones said after the game. “So everybody agreed that it did some damage, but if you check around, Dallas had wind gusts all afternoon.”

I'd change seats if an old guy sat next to me on the bus and started talking like this. It was also revealed that the Cowboys intended to open the end zone doors for last week's game, but mechanical issues kept them from opening all the way. Must've been the wind.