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Overexplained Lists

The Apostles, Ranked

The Last Supper. The Holy Communion. Christ surrounded by the apostles.
Painting by Frans Pourbus the Younger (Francois (Franz) Porbus, 1569-1622), 1618. Louvre Museum, Paris (Photo by Leemage/Corbis via Getty Images)

My Catholicism is a little rusty, but I believe we're currently in Peak Apostle Season. There was that whole business with the crucifixion of their lord and savior over the past few weeks, and pretty soon they're going to see (and possibly believe) signs of Jesus's resurrection. It's a huge time for them. But which Apostles are the good ones? That's what we're here to uncover.

1. Simon Peter

You can absolutely come up with flaws in Peter's skillset, but this man is the rock of the church, and every messiah needs to have an apostle like him in his following.

2. Matthew

Good blogger. Game recognizes game.

3. Jude

He got unlucky with the name. In John's gospel the narrator basically identifies him as "Judas NO NOT THAT ONE." But he's the patron saint of lost causes, which is one of the coolest saints to be.

4. James (the main one)

Clutch Apostle. There for all the big Jesus moments.

5. Andrew

He knows how to fish. Useful skill.

6. Philip

He just hangs around. I have nothing against Philip, but I bet the other Apostles just forgot to invite him to things sometimes.

7. John

He's a key player, but people tend to think that the phrase "the disciple whom Jesus loved" in John's own gospel refers to himself. Kind of a glory boy, if you ask me.

8. James (the other one)

No dog in him.

9. Simon

Basically the Mendoza line for religious fanatics.

10. Bartholomew

Fake Apostle. Never heard of him before today.

11. Thomas

Keep your filthy fingers out of Jesus's nail holes.

12. Getting flagellated by the Romans

13. Judas Iscariot

Enough said!

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