Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, through here.
I am, in my best moments, a tender man. I live. I love. I nurture. But also, I hate. Mine is not an immoral form of hate. I do not hate animals, save for geese (they know why). I do not hate Earth. I do not hate people based on their gender, their sexuality, their religion, or the color of their skin.
The color of their JERSEY, on the other hand, is another matter. I have been a football fan for many years now, and in those years I have cultivated a rich, instinctive hatred of not just certain teams, but of the loathsome creatures that cheer for those teams. Mine is a learned hatred. Good hate. Righteous hate.
Like the Cowboys? Fuck the Cowboys. The Cowboys are brain death with a star decal. Their owner is a broken, racist, mouthy Teddy Ruxpin. Their coach is a boob. And their fans are the reason that Romano’s Macaroni Grill remains solvent. They are scum. Luckily for me, the Dallas Cowboys are also fucking TERRIBLE this season. Do bear witness right here, and then treat yourself to a Parliament on me.
In fact, you better grab an entire carton of smokes and stick me with the tab, because this season, at least in the early offing, has been a fucking buffet. Can’t stand the Cowboys? Well, they’ve lost their two best defenders indefinitely. They can’t run the ball for shit. They can’t block for shit. They have one good wideout. They waited too long to pay their franchise quarterback and, once they did, he put up the worst QB rating of his career and currently sits at 18th in PFF’s QB metrics. Their new defensive coordinator is a fossilized grudge addict whose double-A gap scheme was solved by the rest of the league at the turn of the decade. And their best player is probably their kicker. I know that the Cowboys have won precisely dick this century, but I don’t care for them to prosper during the regular season, as is their custom. I much prefer it when all things Jerry blow up real good, all the time. Like that one season when Wade Phillips got canned? I remember where I was when I watched Wade coach his final game. Some people remember where they were on 9/11, or when the Challenger exploded. Me, I remember being in a friend’s apartment in L.A., watching Green Bay obliterate Dallas 45-7. I’m not ashamed. It was a good night.
More good nights are to come, because the Cowboys are hardly the only despicable organization upon which 2024 has brought great suffering. I’m not too keen on the Philadelphia Eagles, either, with their fans’ “38-7” chants and whatnot. I’d like everyone associated with the Eagles to burn in hell. 2024 has me covered there, too. Here’s a team that should have fired their Loudest Guy At The Frat Party head coach 10 months ago. They didn’t, and now he’s beefing with hometown fans and crowing to the media that actually, his players love it when he’s mentally unhinged. Nick Sirianni’s new, brand-name coordinators have produced little in the way of improvement on either side of the ball, and quarterback Jalen Hurts has worse passing metrics than Justin Fields, the latter of whom will probably be benched this week. It’s always fun to watch Eagles fans argue with one another over who they’d like to fire most. You guys should settle this The Philly Way: by greasing your naked bodies in margarine and sumo wrestling inside of a dumpster.
Now let’s venture outside of the annually hideous NFC East, because there are more tears to lap up elsewhere.
You know that the Deshaun Watson trade now stands as the single worst trade in NFL history, both from a moral standpoint and a football one. But if you hate the Browns for that trade, as I now do, then the fallout has been particularly enjoyable. Cleveland should bench Watson, and they won’t. They should’ve held onto Joe Flacco after Flacco led them on a partially redemptive playoff run a season ago, and they didn’t. Now they’re holding a midseason fire sale and getting rid of everything except for the hogshead of TNT that sparked that fire to begin with. The Nü Browns have been a [Trump voice] total disaster since their re-inception in 1999, and now they’ve locked in another decade-plus of wasted seasons. And this time, they’ve earned it. If any Browns fan whines to me that their team is “cursed,” right after they sold the farm for "Sex Type Thing" at QB, I’m gonna shoot a third eyehole in their dog mask.
And the Patriots! Have you SEEN the Patriots lately? For a guy who founded the Stand Up To Hate PSA campaign, Bobby Kraft sure enjoys committing atrocities against his own quarterbacks. The Pats’ best offensive lineman this year was Vederian Lowe, who would be practice-squad fodder on any other team and is now hurt. Oh, but look at young Drake Maye! They fed him into the wood chipper last week and he still managed to throw three utterly meaningless TD passes! Wow! Incredible! Look out, BOS Nation! The Patriots are BACK. Someone tell all of their fans, who ditched this team the second Mac Jones busted out so that they could stay at home and read back issues of FHM magazine. Motherfuckers, your payback for the Brady dynasty has only just begun. Ten years from now, this team will be offering you a handjob for $50 behind the package store. Roger Goodell will look the other way.
Angry the Chiefs are still somehow unbeaten? I know I am. But I take comfort in reminding myself that they missed out on both Amari Cooper and Davante Adams in the trade market, and that their droopy tit of a kicker is being booed mercilessly on the road, even though the TV guys are too soft to mention it. They could be saying BOO-utker, I suppose. More likely though, they’re saying FUCK YOU YOU TOOTHY NAZI SHIT FOR BRAINS.
OK, this is getting a bit ugly. Speaking of ugly…
Yes, that’s Jets image consultant Aaron Rodgers, making his standard “The fuck, bro?” face at a wideout for again failing to read his mind. The good news for Needy Aaron is that his old pal Davante Adams is coming to town so that they can run their secret offense together, without all of the other Jets players and coaches getting in the way. 2024 Aaron Rodgers always needs just one more thing to regain his MVP form. He needed a trade out of Green Bay, then he needed the Jets to bring his personal offensive coordinator along for the ride, then he needed them to also sign four Geronimo Allisons, then he needed a new Achilles, then he needed his head coach fired. But this time, this time with the Adams trade, all of the pieces are in place. Rodgers has everything he needs. Except for a jetpack he can wear legally on the field during gameplay.
All of these people are failing. Most important, they’re failing in plain sight. I can turn on the TV on any given Sunday right now and watch them eat shit in front of the world. This is a gift, albeit one with an expiration date. I can’t guarantee the bad guys will keep losing. The Chiefs will probably win their third title in a row, with Butker only missing a kick the weekend after Kamala Harris is elected. One of the slothful NFC East teams still gets to make the playoffs by default. And Rodgers will always have the color guys of the world eating out of his unvaccinated hands. I can’t stop any of that, unless I commit a series of violent crimes that I’m simply too civilized (for now) to carry out.
For now, I’ll just appreciate how good it is to be a hater. If you have complaints about the NFL—terrifying head injuries, endless penalty flags, the continued existence of the Jacksonville Jaguars—you’re missing out on a display of karmic retribution that only last came around when Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder. Embrace the darkness, as Jon Gruden might embrace TikTok. You’ll still live and love. But you’ll also get the much-needed thrill of Nick Sirianni blowing his own dick off. Hating is the best. Don’t let anyone else ever tell you otherwise.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Lions at Vikings: The key to this game is the Vikings pass rush (best in the NFL) against the Lions O-line (ditto). Jared Goff can spend an entire game without being touched, and he never misses from a clean pocket. So if Minnesota can breach that wall with the seemingly limitless supply of rushers they have on the depth chart, Detroit will be lightly fucked. Remember: Aidan Hutchinson broke his leg a week ago, and free-agent signing Marcus Davenport made his customary early exit for the season in September, leaving Detroit’s pass rush dangerously threadbare the rest of the way. That team’s offense will have to make up the difference by scoring even more than they already do. Sunday is when we find out if they’re up to it.
That’s my objective breakdown of this game. Now here is my fan breakdown: JARED GOFF, WE ARE GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND THEN EAT IT.
Texans at Packers
Chiefs at 49ers
Four Throwgasms
Seahawks at Falcons: Out of all of the expensive contracts doled out to QBs this offseason, it’d be funny if the best one turned out to the one that Atlanta handed to a one-legged Kirk Cousins. I don’t think that’ll prove true, largely because Jordan Love exists. But if it DOES turn out to be the case, I again refer you back to the essay at the top of this column.
Three Throwgasms
Ravens at Bucs: Bucky Irving is the kind of running back who pops on the screen enough that I run to scoop him up off the waiver wire in fantasy, only to realize that he only gets like eight carries a game. But what eight carries! I bet he can still average 5.7 yards per clip if he ran the ball 40 times a week! My $40 league entrance fee is counting on it!
Chargers at Cardinals: Both this game and Ravens-Bucs are part of yet another MNF twin bill this week. I now have no idea how many more of these are coming up this season. It’s like sorting out what a plane trip is going to cost.
Two Throwgasms
Titans at Bills: Let’s check in on Titans wideout Calvin Ridley. Did you know that Ridley is a Titan now? Because the Titans certainly don’t appear to. Imagine your team being worse off without Mike Vrabel in charge. Nightmare shit.
Eagles at Giants: I have better downfield accuracy than Daniel Jones. For added context, I am physically unable to throw a football farther than 20 yards.
Jets at Steelers: ESPN sideline reporter Laura Rutledge informed the audience on Monday night that, unlike every other football player at every level, Aaron Rodgers refuses to tape his ankles for games. The explanation is that Rodgers finds ankle tape to be uncomfortable, but I think we all know the real reason why he doesn’t like it: Dr. Fauci implanted microchips inside the tape that will give you Kawasaki Disease.
Dolphins at Colts
Broncos at Saints
One Throwgasm
Patriots at Jaguars (London): If this game isn’t the one that finally turns all of Europe against the NFL, no game will. I’d rather watch Megalopolis 2.
Panthers at Commanders: I can respect Guardian Caps while also finding them EXTREMELY funny to look at when players wear them during games. I keep waiting for Super Mario to jump on top of a Guardian Cap player and score a powerup for it.
Raiders at Rams
Bengals at Browns
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Swords and Diamonds,” by Cryonic Temple! Oh OK, I don’t have to hit play to know that this is my shit. From Elliot:
The video is just so, so goofy, but the quality of the music is so freaking high that it almost comes off as a Jack Black or Andy Sandberg parody of the genre. My friends and I discovered this song twenty years ago watching Greek cable TV while we spent a few weeks in Athens, and have periodically sent it around in the group chat ever since for an instant shot of dopamine.
Well shit, man, you found pure gold. This song fucking rocks. It’s going onto my master playlist. And you know what? The video rocks, too! I grew up in the '80s, where all guitars were pointy and leather pants were mandatory for any heavy metal singer, regardless of their BMI. Cryonic Temple (from Sweden, because of course they are) understands that aesthetic intimately. Top that off with a song that sounds like Iron Maiden’s greatest unreleased track and I am fully satisfied. Mattias Lilja, you just got yourself a new customer.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2024 chopping block:
Robert Saleh—FIRED!!!
Mike McDaniel
Brian Daboll
Dave Caneles
Doug Pederson*****
Kevin Stefanski*
Nick Sirianni
Mike McCarthy*
Antonio Pierce
Dennis Allen
Jonathan Gannon
(*potential midseason firing)
It’s morbidly amusing that the Jaguars got their luxe stadium approved just as they’re about to enter their 50,000th rebuilding phase. Mark Brunell took this team to the AFC title game in 1996, and that remains the best time of this franchise’s life. Brunell is also, to this day, still the best quarterback they’ve ever had. Now Jacksonville is stuck with this team, and the bill, forever.
On the bright side, that new stadium opens in 2028, just in time for Shad Khan to introduce new head coach Lincoln Riley.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Conor sends in this story I call RISE AND GRUNT:
Last summer, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend. I was having a hard time sleeping in the immediate aftermath. One night, I wasn't able to sleep at all, and when the clock struck 5:00am I decided to reset my circadian rhythms and just stay up. I figured I'd be uber-exhausted the next night and would pass right out. I showered and got dressed, then decided I needed some caffeine to accomplish my goal.
I walked eight blocks to the nearest Starbucks and ordered a venti iced coffee, then walked to a park to watch the sun rise. As I watched the Chicago skyline transform into towers of shimmering orange and red, I thought, "I'm gonna be OK."
I also thought, "This coffee is speedrunning my GI tract."
I leapt up off the park bench and began to speedwalk back home, cursing both my decision to pull an all-nighter in my 30s and my subsequent decision to put 600 milliliters of iced coffee and exactly nothing else into my stomach over a period of about 11 hours. I clenched well enough, right up until I reached my front stairway. As I started the climb to my second-floor apartment I realized that, while my sphincter discipline was world-class on flat terrain, it was less capable of dealing with vertical movement. I began to feel wetness streaming down my leg and onto the sole carpeted floor in my building.
To make a long story short, I spent the first morning of the rest of my life cleaning diarrhea out of a carpet, and I'd do it all again because that sunrise was worth it.
Didn’t expect this story to turn out so life-affirming, did you? We should all be so lucky to soil our floor like this.
And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sideline And Check In With Charissa Thompson
“Drew, I just saw Aaron Rodgers walking back to his car, looking frustrated. He told me, ‘I am frustrated.’ He also told me that he was disappointed, let down, irritated, bothered, ticked, miffed, weary, disturbed, hurt, tired, upset, and ‘pissed off.’ But then he told me that he was also DETERMINED. Back to you, Drew.”
Thank you, Charissa.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Oranjeboom! You know it’s strong because the word “strong” appears twice right on the front of the can! From Kristopher:
I saw some dudes under a bridge pounding this and they seemed to have things figured out. Taste is painful and bilious.
If I lived under a bridge, I would 100 percent drink this. I’m not gonna drink Coors Banquet like some upscale hobo. Fuck that. I want pain. I want bile. I WANT TO BE ORANJBOOMED.
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Jaguars Fans
Danny Boyle’s Sunshine, which was largely ignored at the box office despite boasting a cast that includes Cillian Murphy, pre-Marvel Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Mark Strong, and Shogun top dog Hiroyuki Sanada. I will watch any movie where people get fucked up in space: Gravity, Interstellar, 2001, you name it. Every time I watch a normal thriller, I think to myself, “This story would be 11 times cooler if they set it right above the surface of Mercury.” Boyle understands this dynamic well. Four stars. The sun is our enemy.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store 70 people at a time."
“Oh, let's just beat him up and take his stuff!”
“No no no, do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
