Help, Help! All Of The Rich Quarterbacks Are Eating Shit!

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, through here.

It’s still September, which is when the more learned members of our football media remind their audience to not overreact to anything just yet. We’ve only played two games, and everything about the league, save for the Chiefs winning a close game in the most uninspiring way humanly possible, changes on a weekly basis. This is a marathon, not a sprint. We need a larger sample size. Patience, young grasshoppers.

To which I say: fuck all that. Have you SEEN how shitty all of these newly paid quarterbacks are?

The damage is already extensive. Trevor Lawrence of the Jags got $200 million and currently oversees the fourth-lowest scoring offense in the league for a winless team. Dak Prescott? $231 million for a rinsing at the hands of Derek Carr. Jordan Love? $160 million for a 50 percent completion rate and a knee made of cornmeal. Tua Tagovailoa will be out for who knows how long after suffering his 900th brain fracture, which means that our lasting memory of him might be throwing three picks against the Bills after getting $167 million in the offseason. And Kirk Cousins? Well, are YOU paying that guy $100 million after his late-game “heroics” against an Eagles team that let him play against air in the final two minutes on Monday night? Shit no, you aren’t. No one would be that stupid, except for the team that currently employs him.

Now, there are a number of good explanations for this phenomenon. As I stated up front, it’s early. NFL defensive coordinators have sold out entirely to prevent deep balls, leading to more quarterbacks (wisely) checking down and letting their receivers take off in open space. Also, the glut of shell coverages has allowed for an increase in running lanes, which means there’s never been a better time to ease the load on your QB by handing the ball off.

But I have a better explanation, which is that all of these guys suck, and are the product of QB bubble that allows them to mediocre their way upward.

The growing disparity in value between rookie QB contracts and veteran QB extensions has made it so that any QB who’s been productive on the field has an instant value of $40 million-plus AAV out on the open market. This has been a passing league for the entirety of this century, which means that any team that wants to win a Super Bowl must have a capable QB. You don’t get to be like, “Hey man, the Ravens won a title with Trent Dilfer!” anymore. You need someone better than Trent Dilfer, which means that anyone better than Trent Dilfer will do in a pinch, especially if you went to the trouble to scout, draft, and develop a Tua Tagovailoa in the first place. Letting that QB walk in free agency and then starting that process all over again is in inherently risky proposition, one that has a good chance of getting you fired. Hence, you have no choice but to pay the man and hope that he grows beyond his present form.

But very few NFL players develop on a straight upward trajectory. Once a QB reaches the end of his rookie deal, he’s already the QB he’s going to be. Exceptions to this rule, like Geno Smith, are exceptions for a reason. Most of the time, you’re getting what you already paid for. You’re hoping that your $150 million will get you the next Patrick Mahomes, even though Patrick Mahomes is one of greatest players to ever live. An exception, that is.

Dak Prescott is, by no small margin, the best of the group of QBs I listed up above. He’s also never gone to an NFC title game, and is about to eat up so much cap space that the Cowboys won’t possibly be able to give him the support he needs to get there. He will never become Patrick Mahomes, nor will Tagovailoa, Lawrence, or Cousins. The brightest future of any passer who just got his bag probably belongs to Love, who has yet to put together a consistent season from start to finish and who really likes throwing ill-advised passes way downfield. But the Packers groomed Love for the job as best they could, and had little choice but to extend him after he balled out of his mind in the back half of 2023. They needed to take the risk, or else lose the biscuit. In that way, handing a guy like Love that much money is kind of like drafting him all over again.

The rookie wage scale came into effect after No. 1 overall pick Sam Bradford got over $50 million guaranteed from the Rams right after he was drafted. NFL owners didn’t like paying for potential over production, so they insisted on capping rookie deals so that they could spend more money on proven players. Now we’re here, and guess what? Teams are still paying for potential over production. All the rookie cap did was kick the money clip down the road.

Given that none of this is MY money, I’m not terribly outraged that a few lucky, halfway decent passers are overpaid. But my own team has one promising QB on a rookie deal, and bridge QB who’s playing the best football of his career right now. I don’t fear either of these players being bad. You can just cut a shit QB who’s on a cheap deal. Much stranger, I fear one or both of them being good, but only good enough. I fear one of them reaching the playoffs, getting crushed, and then saying to myself, “Well, I guess we have to keep him.” Because the salary cap is only gonna grow from here, which means that the bubble will only continue to grow. I fear the bubble. All of us should. Next time I watch Dak play, I’m gonna have to wear a face shield.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Eagles at Saints: Before the Eagles gifted a last-minute victory to Atlanta on Monday, they took the field to the usual pregame fireworks ceremony. Whenever a team sets off fireworks right before a game, the smoke lingers above the field for a few minutes at the beginning of the first quarter. I love that shit. I want an entire game played in a fireworks fog. Makes it feel like war.

Four Throwgasms

Lions at Cardinals: Kyler Murray was my favorite player in the whole league back in 2020, and then he was (seemingly) revealed to be a dour asshole who studied more Call of Duty walkthroughs than actual game tape. Oh, but look at our guy now that he has actual coaching! He’s doing fun shit again! I demand the FBI raid Kliff Kingsbury’s babe lair and trash it.

Texans at Vikings: Complaining about your team’s playcalling is jayvee shit. Anyone can second-guess a coach for calling a run when they should have passed, and vice versa. If you wanna hunt bigger game, you should focus on play design. Bobby Slowik of the Texans is an excellent play designer, scheming guys wide open using plays he worked out days before the game, if not months before. If you have a good play designer on your staff, you need to pay that coach $40 million a year, otherwise your quarterback will just be a new bride chucking her bouquet onto the dance floor.

Three Throwgasms

Chiefs at Falcons: The latest iOS update comes with a power button on the screen, which is the single most important software innovation of the past 10 years. I have taken years off of my thumb’s life powering down my stupid phone. This shit should have been included with the iPhone 1, man. It’s like buying a car that has no steering wheel.

Ravens at Cowboys

Chargers at Steelers

Two Throwgasms

Packers at Titans: Because I have good taste in Sunday Ticket options, I have yet to get the full Will Levis Being An Idiot experience. But before Brian Callahan kills Levis with his own two hands, I have to give the QB props for leaning into his Mayo Freak identity:

I despise mayonnaise, to the point where all of you are sick to death of hearing from me about it. Anytime mayonnaise makes the news, usually in the form of Duke’s staging some gross mayo-chugging stunt, people flood my mentions with mayo gore. But Will Levis has embraced his love of the swill with such gusto that I’m far more charmed than I am grossed out. Does this mean I’ll be eating mayo sandwiches with the lad anytime soon? Fuck no. I’m just saying that I’m willing to shake the man’s hand. After all, he’s not tossing no-look interceptions for MY team.

Jaguars at Bills and Commanders at Bengals: PSA: These games are part of the annual MNF doubleheader this week. Jags-Bills starts at 7:30 p.m. on ESPN, and the other game kicks off 45 minutes later on ABC. Lucky you.

Niners at Rams: Let’s check in on the Rams’ injury report OH MY GOD

Every season, roughly a half-dozen teams are obliterated by the injury bug. And yet, does the NFL offer fans insurance against this? They do not. Sure, Stan Kroenke gets to save beer money anytime Matthew Stafford tears his gall bladder, but you and I get NOTHING! Lawsuit!

Bears at Colts: If you watch games on delay with YouTube TV, as I often do, you can tell when a game is headed to overtime by paying attention to the length of the bar on the bottom of the screen when you fast forward. I do not mind this mild spoiler, unless the extended game in question happens to be a dud. Like this one.

Broncos at Bucs

Dolphins at Seahawks

One Throwgasm

Panthers at Raiders: Benching Bryce Young means that the odds of Carolina going winless go down significantly. This is unfortunate, because the only way to save this franchise is by ensuring the death of its owner. And what better way to induce cardiac arrest in David Tepper than by going 0-17 for all the world to see? Tepper would have visions of sassy coffee shop signs swirling in his head 24/7. It would drive him to madness, and perhaps off of a highway overpass as well. Let’s hope that Dalton gets paid off by a high stakes gambler to throw every game he’s in.

Patriots at Jets

Giants at Browns

Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“My Tomatoes,” by Rendered Useless! Fair warning, this song won’t actually fire you up. Reader Neil explains why:

Back in the early 90's when my buddy and I had a so-lame-it's-awesome college radio show (called Rage Against the Latrine, natch), we decided that the following song was simultaneously the best and worst piece of music in the station's entire collection.

It’s definitely the worst of something, that’s for certain. This sounds like if the Dead Milkmen were actually dead milkmen.

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2024 chopping block:

Sean Payton*

Robert Saleh*

Brian Daboll*

Dave Caneles*

Doug Pederson

Kevin Stefanski

Nick Sirianni*

Mike McCarthy

Mike McDaniel

Matt Eberflus*******

(*potential midseason firing)

It’s just like the Bears to spend two years artfully crafting a roster with big name draft picks only to put this man in charge of it:

There’s obviously a chance that Caleb Williams turns out to be a lousy pro. Happens all the time to No. 1 picks. But when you stick him behind an O-line that couldn’t guard my spot in line at Chipotle, and you place him under the tutelage of a coaching staff that apparently doesn’t know how to use him, you’re not exactly helping his chances of success. I am profoundly annoyed by this, and I don’t even like the Bears. You fucking idiots.

Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Mitch sends in this story I call POOP-IN:

In college I spent a semester abroad in Paris. I stayed with some other students in a small apartment in the 15th arrondissement, in the southwest part of the city. One night, a student group at my university hosted a party at a nightclub somewhere near the Palais Garnier, in the middle of town. It was about 2:30 AM when I decided I wanted to go to bed and ditched the party. Knowing it would be hours until the start of Metro service and too drunk to come up with other options, I set off on the 1.5-hour trek across Paris to my lodgings.

I started to question my decision about twenty minutes into my odyssey when my gut, filled with several of the shittiest beers a wine-drinking country has to offer, began emitting urgent distress signals. Public toilets aren't open at three in the morning. Panic set in as I power-walked through Place de la Concorde, scanning the grand promenades of central Paris for somewhere discreet to take a dump. Just as the dam was starting to spring a leak, I spotted my salvation in a nearby garden. I hopped the fence, dove into a clump of tall bushes, and unloaded my bowels.

As I cleaned up, I realized that, in my frantic preparation to jump over the garden’s fence, I had removed my winter coat and tossed it onto a bollard in the middle of the sidewalk, where it was presently being examined by two young French gents. "Wallet, phone, keys, Metro pass...who would leave this here?" one of them asked. I burst out of the bushes, slurred through my best attempt at OHYEAHTHATSMINETHANKYOUGOODNIGHT in French, and disappeared into the night as fast as I could waddle.

A masterful getaway, monsieur.

And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sideline And Check In With Charissa Thompson

“Drew, I was back in the green room with JD Vance and I asked him if he had any interest in taking back is claim that immigrants from the Dominican Republic were turning local residents of Tahlequah, Oklahoma into loaves of pan de agua. ‘No,’ JD told me. ‘If I have to voters the truth, that also means that I have to tell them a lie.’ When I asked what he meant by that, he said, ‘You don’t have kids, do you? I can tell by looking at a woman’s hips if she’s got a functional birth canal.’ I then went home and took a hit of ether to get the experience out of my head. Back to you, Drew.”

Thank you, Charissa.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

SKOL! What good timing! From Sarah:

Just spent two weeks in beautiful Rwanda in January and had every local macro brew available. The best thing I can say about Skol was that it was cheap and cold (which you actually have to specify when you order, since many locals like their beer room temperature). 

Yeah, Americans like me are always thrown when we go to other countries and discover they don’t like their beer colder than outer space. Now, as you can see from the photo, Skol beer does not incorporate any Minnesota Vikings elements into its label. But we can fix that. Just slap a big ol’ headshot of Rwandan folk hero Sammy Darnold on that label and suddenly it’s OFFICIAL. I’d buy a bottle for $58.

Gameday Movie Of The Week For Panthers Fans

Alien 3, which got a big critical re-evalution after it tanked in theaters, enough for me to want to check it out decades after its initial release. I’d watch David Fincher shoot a Twix commercial (in fact, I probably have), so seeing him at the helm of an Alien movie felt like easy money to me.

I was wrong. Fincher was an emergency hired hand for this sequel, and it shows. Watch enough movies and you can spot the loose stitching in one that’s had a troubled production process. The effects in Alien 3 are straight out of 1962, and the only cool new character (a prison doctor played by Charles Dance, who falls into bed with Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley) gets got by the xenomorph halfway in. It’s like a studio exec drove onto the set midway through the shoot to scream WE DON’T WANT A LOVE STORY at Fincher. Then Ripley pulls a T2 at the end because she’s got a fetal chestburster hiding inside of her body. This is supposed to be all melodramatic and teary, but you can see that scene coming well before we get to it. Charles Dutton is still cool, though. Two and half stars.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“Who's going to have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies?”

“Ooh hoo hoo! And I know the little fellows will love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets...”

Enjoy the games, everyone.