Push Notifications Were Made To Imprison You

Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about Joe Burrow, karate kicking a door shut, LARRY, Christmas cookies, and more.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: This is my last Funbag of 2025. I’m headed out on Christmas break with my family, so we’ll have a guest host or two minding the store while I’m gone. Same deal with the Jamboroo. As always, you can still write into our guest bloggers using the usual Funbag email address, so get on that. And have yourself a merry little Christmas, won’t you?

Now for your letters:

Michael:

I just noticed that, in my Outlook work inbox, I have "notifications" whenever a reply is just an emoji. Why would Microsoft add this feature? It's not a text; it's a work email. 

Because the masters of the universe that forced you to use Outlook at work would yell at Microsoft if Microsoft’s product didn’t send notifications to all of their employees, all of the time. Duh.

Push notifications are a tool of The Man. They allow your bosses, your apps, and your brand overlords to poke you constantly … to remind you that they exist, and that you should always be ready to hop to if they require your attention. This is why I have all of my phone notifications toggled to OFF, except for calls and texts. Naturally, I get a push alert if someone emoji replies me. It’s annoying. Emoji replies are ideal for ending conversations, not continuing them. That’s why the thumbs-up emoji will always be number one in my heart (pun intended).

Seriously though, turn off all of your non-emergency push alerts. My kids’ phones light up every half second like they’re living inside of a fucking casino. It’s unhealthy to have your phone always pulling at your pant leg constantly. So don’t let it.

Pete:

Forget Geese, is Turnstile a joke? It’s unevolved 80s schlock-rock.

Pete, do you know who you’re talking to? I’m the guy who says, with a straight face, that Def Leppard is one of the most important rock bands in history. Unevolved '80s schlock-rock is my thing. Our commenters can vouch for this.

Anyway, for those who weren’t with us a week ago, I made a few jokes at the expense of Geese, everyone’s favorite tinny indie rock band at the moment. But Geese have some competition for that honor from Turnstile, who also got some love in 2025 from America’s dwindling hipster population. I started listening to Turnstile because the legendary Bob Mould vouched for them. Not to drag Pete, but they sound nothing like an '80s band. Instead, they serve up the kind of '90s-style distortion that triggers all of my pleasure sensors. That’s why Bob approved of them, and why I do, too. Plus the singer doesn’t annoy me.

So I’m down with Turnstile, so much so that I regret not seeing them on tour when they came through my neck of the woods. I’m not crazy about the band, but I did add them to my workout playlist, which is the highest form of praise that I can give. And if you, the reader, know of any modern bands that DO sound like unevolved '80s schlock-rock, please hit me with a link.

Rein:

Can you please fill us in on how you kicked the frequent urination habit! I am a 29-year old who had the same issue when I was very, very young. It went away most of my life, then it came back with a vengeance. Now been dealing with it for the past two and a half years.

Brett:

A few years ago I had a medical issue where my intestines and bladder fused. Since then, I have to pee more frequently. But I’m wondering if, besides my literally smaller bladder, this is more a mental thing. You mentioned in the last Funbag that you defeated a compulsive urination habit... have you spoken about it before and I missed it? If not, can you speak a bit more about you defeating this?

Just wanted to have it on record that TWO readers asked me to follow up on my bladder, not just one. AMERICA CAN’T GET ENOUGH THE PROBLEMS I’VE HAD WITH MY DINGALING!

Anyway, I’ve written about having this problem before. MANY times before, which is far too often. As such, I’m gonna give you a somewhat abridged version so that we can move onto other issues. Ever since childhood, I pissed dozens of times a day. I would get up multiple times when out to dinner, while in a movie theater, and even in the time between getting into bed and falling asleep for the night. Sometimes I would take a piss, walk out of the bathroom, feel a lingering urge, and then turn right back around to pee again. Even if I barely had a drop to give.

This went on for decades. I tried everything to fix it. I tried lowering my fluid intake. I tried keeping a piss journal. I tried PT. I tried pelvic floor contractions. I got a camera up my dick to make sure my bladder didn’t have a tumor in it. I talked with my therapist about it. I went on Zoloft, which worked miracles for my temperament but still didn’t fix the bladder thing. I was desperate to get rid of the compulsion, but something in my brain refused to let go of it. This was because I was, in essence, addicted to going to the bathroom. I probably merited my own TLC show. “My name is Drew and I am a hardcore pissaholic.”

As you know, you can’t kick an addiction unless you, the afflicted, truly want to quit it. Sometimes you have this epiphany out of the blue, on an ordinary day. I reached my breaking point just a couple of months ago. I was on the road with my wife and sons, and we were staying overnight in a relatively cramped space. As usual, I got out of bed to piss over and over again, all night long. It was mortifying. I hated it. Something in my brain snapped. It said, “I don’t want this. We’re not doing this anymore.” The next day, anytime I lingered over a toilet, I repeated that mantra—we’re not doing this anymore—in my mind, zipped back up, and walked away. I was steadfast in doing this, and I didn’t tell anyone about it, not even my wife. This was MY problem, and I wanted to handle it entirely on my own.

I did. Since that fateful night, I’ve quit pissing needlessly. In fact, I’ve been on such a good run that I barely remember having the compulsion to begin with. I’m not going back, and I’m old enough to know when I’m truly certain of something. I still get up to piss at night, but that’s par for the course at my age. Maybe I stopped because, after a seemingly arbitrary number of years all of the therapy and Zoloft finally took hold of the addiction. I don’t know, just as you may not know why you’ll finally decide to kick a bad habit. All I know is that, after 49 years of scampering in and out of the john, I now urinate like a normal, healthy person. More important: I now take good, long, powerful pisses. Deeply satisfying pisses. Whenever Trump dies and I get to defile his corpse, I will have SO MUCH piss to piss onto him. Can’t wait.

Aaron:

Which is the more satisfying way to close a door, a hip check or a karate kick? 

Karate kick would have been the easy answer for me here, but I kicked my bedroom door shut one too many times as a tweenage lad. So whenever I kick a door now, I hear my parents’ voices in my head screaming at me to knock it off. We’re not doing that anymore. I’ve audibled down to hip checks since then. They do the job. Also, since I’m a parent now, I don’t want to shut a door loudly. I still wanna show that door who’s boss, but I also want to close it in a swift yet discreet manner. I want to hit the sweet spot when I make contact. A good hip check or forearm shiver usually does the trick.

Also satisfying? Closing any door with your head. I’m not someone who should be using his head for anything other than head stuff, but sometimes I’m carrying a full laundry hamper up the stairs. What am I gonna go, put the hamper down? Wait to close the basement door behind me? Never. No, I prefer to go the full mountain goat on that door. And I’ll bet that I close our kitchen cabinet's door with my head more often than I do it with my hands. Makes me feel resourceful. Plucky, even.

LARRY:

You certainly come across to me as an absolute Baby! I find it hard to believe that you are more than 13 years old. Just read your column for the first time and probably the LAST Time. Hope you grow up fast! My Best, LARRY.

Oh my god, Larry, did you just read about my big piss odyssey? I keep hoping I’ll grow up faster, too! I shouldn’t have to keep learning shit at my age. I should be done with all of that nonsense! In the meantime, all I can do is try to grow up as fast as I can. Results not guaranteed. Anyway, My Best to you, sir.

Michael:

Is it rude to walk into someone's office and add/take something off your desk without saying anything to you? I am an account manager who supports three account executives. Whenever I go into one of their offices I always knock, or I say hi before discussing what I need to. There is one executive here who will just walk in and not say a damn thing, then just drop shit off and leave. It makes me irrationally angry but I'm not sure it should.

Of course it should make you angry. It’s VERY rude. If you walk into another person’s physical office, they deserve a hello, plus a stated reason for you being there. That’s just a basic human interaction. Anyone who ignores that etiquette is either someone who thinks they’re too important to talk to the little people, or someone desocialized from the world thanks to smartphone addiction. Oftentimes it’s a person who’s both things, and such people must be dealt with. Next time an exec storms into your office just to throw some TPS reports at you, throw a stapler at his head. That’ll learn him.

(I’ve had to come correct in similar fashion elsewhere. One time I was at an airport counter. Without saying hello to the clerk, I just started right in on, “Hey I need this and I need that.” The clerk said back, “First of all, hello.” At first I was like, “Hey man, why is she giving me a hard time?” Then, when I pulled the EXACT same move on a different clerk later that day, and got the same response, I realized that I was the asshole, not the children. It only takes an extra second out of your day to recognize and greet other people. Use it, or be judged accordingly.)

JJ:

Who would you rather spend an hour with, Willem Dafoe or Malcolm McDowell? Both creepy, both intense, but one could answer some Spider-Man questions and the other could explain how in the world he was married to Mary Steenburgen. 

Was Mary Steenburgen married to Malcolm McDowell? I didn’t know that. She’s been married to Ted Danson for so long, I figured that Ted was her first husband! Now I don’t believe in NUTHIN.

Anyway, my answer is Willem Dafoe. He is, by all accounts, a lovely man. Also, I wanna ask him about the stunt penis.

HALFTIME!

REM Erik:

As a fellow Vikings fan living far out-of-state, I need your backing while I try and will this into existence. Say it with me: Joe Burrow, QB of the Minnesota Vikings.

Yeah, I spent the bulk of last week hanging out inside of that particular daydream. Last week, Burrow piped up about being miserable, and everyone took it as him wanting out of Cincinnati (can’t blame him). From there, I concocted an imaginary future where Burrow pulls a Carson Palmer and demands the Bengals trade him, otherwise he retires. And of course, this fictional Joe Burrow would a demand a trade exclusively to the Vikings, so he can play with his old friend Justin Jefferson. Burrow would also work in a fictional NFL where his current contract is easily movable, and where the salary cap is just as imaginary as the New Orleans Saints believe it to be.

Meanwhile, in the real NFL, Joe Burrow isn’t going anywhere. The Bengals are a shit organization that lucked into him, and will never luck into another player like him. You’ve seen how rare top-level QBs have been this season. The Bengals aren’t letting Joe Burrow go, not even if Burrow holds them at gunpoint. You and I just watched the Ravens successfully collude with every other team to keep Lamar Jackson from getting any outside offers when he was an RFA two years ago. You think Mike Brown isn’t willing to be just as snaky, and while he has Burrow fully under contract? I’m a hopeless dreamer, but not that hopeless.

Even if Burrow went onto the market, it’s worth asking what exact kind of QB you’re trading for. Friend of the site Denny Carter once Blueskyed that he would rather have Jordan Love than Joe Burrow, which outraged me for obnoxious, homer-y reasons. Joe Burrow is a better QB than Jordan Love. He’s also now been seriously hurt in three of his six professional seasons. Apart from Russell Wilson, no QB has been sacked more often this decade than Burrow. Yes, the Bengals have a dogshit O-line, but real football nerds know that sacks are a QB stat. Burrow’s psychopathic ambition can often manifest itself in the form of heedlessness. He refuses to let any play die, and gets creamed more often than he should because of it. So while Burrow is a better QB than Jordan Love, he’s a far less available one. He’s still worth whatever asking price Cincinnati would throw out, but only a fool would blind themselves to the risk involved in trading for him.

Now, on the subject of obnoxious homerism, I can’t believe J.J. McCarthy looked like a real NFL quarterback for an entire game the other night:

McCarthy’s performance over the past two weeks has been something of a revelation. It’s almost been enough to make me think he can turn the corner heading into 2026, obviating the Mac Jones trade that every mean person online is trying to manifest on my behalf. The problem here is that McCarthy, both on tape and by the numbers, was historically awful prior to this. That’s why I informed the world that McCarthy was dead to me in a post here a month ago. When I filed my first draft to Editor-in-Chief Tom Ley, he told me I was bailing too early and advised me to soften my conclusions a bit. I relented, but not before he compared me to Bill Plaschke, which made me so mad I screamed "WATCH THE TAPE" in reply. I’m very fun to work with.

Anyway, I posted my “J.J. sucks” piece and now I’m stuck with it. I have to maintain this take all the way to the grave now. That’s how the Law of Takes works. Otherwise, Tom wins the argument, and I can’t abide that. No one is allowed to beat me in an argument, and I can never be wrong. This is the guiding principle of every 21st-century American.

In all seriousness, McCarthy is both so talented, and so wretchedly adorable, that I’m still hoping beyond hope that he can become something. This is because Joe Burrow isn’t getting traded, nor is Matthew Stafford, nor is Patrick Mahomes. The easiest way for the Vikings to get out of this mess is simply for McCarthy to become good. This has literally never happened for a QB with his current pro résumé. Then again, Tom Ley is a much more rational person than I am, and McCarthy’s résumé is still mere sentences long. Also, I’m the one who has said here, many times, that you and I watch sports to root for the impossible to happen. And honestly, J.J. McCarthy is just the kind of labrador-ass QB who could defy the odds.

So I’ve made an executive decision. As of this writing, I will maintain my stance that J.J. McCarthy sucks. However, should he fulfill the following list of demands I have, I will be willing to give him another year of my time. Over the next three games, McCarthy must:

-Play well, from wire to wire, in every game

-Not turn the ball over

-Throw for 300 yards in at least one of those games, even if it’s in garbage time

-Get Justin Jefferson 100 yards receiving in at least two of those three games

-Get Jordan Addison 100 yards receiving in at least one of the games

-Beat Green Bay

Those are the mandates. If J.J. can’t do all of that, then my take stands. If he can, then let’s give him a shot in 2026 (but with a good vet backup). Too many teams bail on young passers at this exact moment in their careers. If Kevin O’Connell really believes his own bullshit, then he’ll finish what he started with this idiot. It’s the best option in a league that’s scarce on better ones.

(POSTSCRIPT FOR THE HATERS: J.J. McCarthy isn’t the first player to do stupid shit with eye black. Find better material, you jerks!)

John:

It's the holiday season, so I've got a Christmas cookie related question for you. My MiL has celiac disease, so keeps a gluten free diet. Same for my wife. My MiL also bakes a ton of Christmas cookies, as does the rest of my wife's side of the family. But what I can't understand every year is that my MiL will make both a Gluten Free and non-GF version of most of her cookies. Am I crazy in thinking that this is way too much work? At this point, even I just make all my cookies gluten free so that everyone can eat them.

My wife also has to keep a gluten-free diet. So if I make any sweets with normal flour, she gets pretty sad. This is because she has to watch the rest of us enjoy a batch of cookies without her. I don’t want my wife to be sad, so I’ll often do up a gluten-free batch reserved just for her. Then I’ll yell at the kids to not eat mom’s cookies, and then they will anyway.

This is because, as John noted in his unedited email to the Funbag, alt flours aren’t as repellent as you might instinctively think. Remember when alt milks were all weird and treehuggery? Alt flours have that reputation at the present moment. But thanks to my wife’s crippling food allergy, I’ve tried enough of these flours to know that a lot of them are solid, and sometimes even preferable to white flour. Almond flour cakes have actual flavor to them, and my kids will gobble up any apple crisp made with almond or oat flour. So long as butter and sugar are heavily involved, you can make alt flours shine if you’re willing.

That said, a good cook like John’s mother-in-law will still make two of everything, just to guarantee that everyone is happy. It’s way too much work, but it’s still more fun than your day job.

Bryan:

Should Andy Reid be fired? I’m only partially serious here, but holy shit. 

I don’t see much reason for the Chiefs to let him go. Andy Reid is still one of the best coaches to ever do it, and he hasn’t shown any of the intractability that made Bill Belichick’s final years in the league so miserable. The Chiefs have a roster that needs to be turned over, and they can go full tank next year if Patrick Mahomes wants/needs all of 2026 to fully recover from his ACL tear. I’d rather have Kansas City’s current braintrust in charge of that partial rebuild than force out Reid and attempt the same effort with a Sean McVay assistant to be named later.

If Andy Reid wants to retire, that’s another matter. Maybe he will. Then again, this dude took the Chiefs job right after his son died, so I don’t think missing out on the AFC title game for the first time since 2018 will dull his passion for the job all that much.

JD:

Have you ever placed an order at the drive-thru, only to be told by the attendant that you have to leave the drive-thru line, park, and wait for someone to bring your order out? I know this can be filed under, "not that big of a deal," but it feels like being sent to the penalty box. If I knew I'd have to park and wait, I would gone into the restaurant!

I’ve never been asked to do this, but I get why restaurants would. Ever see the drive-thru line at Chick-fil-A at lunchtime? That shit gets more backed up than the Holland Tunnel entrance. So it behooves a restaurant to get as many cars out of the line as they can, both to expedite orders and to prevent a five-car pileup in the strip mall parking lot. This is why I always order delivery instead of pickup. Yes, it’s antisocial, but dealing with other Americans really is a chore. LARRY knows what I'm talking about.

Email of the week!

Joe:

I just want to comment on Steve's question about Australia in a previous bag. I live in China. A few weeks ago, I saw this giant snake at the school I work at. When I crept closer to take a picture, it raised up and started chasing me, which caused me to run away in terror. When I told my co-worker, a petite Australian woman, she was not scared at all. I might as well have told her that I saw a bunny or a cricket. When I mentioned to my non-Australian co-workers that the snake had a hood on it, the resulting terror caused several Chinese workers to be forced to spend the rest of the day chasing down snakes. 

I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.