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Media Meltdowns

John Wall Update: Playing Spades, Paying Zero Attention During A Televised Interview

Some notes from Washington Wizards basketball star John Wall's appearance on, uh, Monday Tailgate (???) yesterday on ESPN ahead of last night's game between the Dallas Cowboys and Arizona Cardinals:

    • He is "110-percent healthy." This is great news! My beloved John hasn't played in an NBA game since Dec. 26, 2018; he underwent surgery for chronic heel problems the following January, then the surgical incision got infected, then he slipped and fell in his home and ruptured his freaking Achilles.
    • He is "itching." Based on context this appears to be an expression of his eagerness to get back to playing in NBA games, rather than an indication that his cursed Frankenstein ankle has yet another infection.
    • He is, as gradually becomes apparent over the course of the segment, literally playing spades while the eager host doofuses try to engage him on the subject of the Dallas Cowboys, his favorite NFL team.
Five-time NBA all-star John Wall examines his spades hand while one of the doofuses mentions that the Dallas Cowboys are in first place in the NFC East. (YouTube)
Five-time NBA all-star John Wall recognizes that he has been dealt a shit hand and enters a lowly one-trick bid. (YouTube)

Please enjoy the following GIF of the moment when five-time NBA all-star John Wall enters his bid in the spades game he is playing while the hosts of an ESPN television show attempt to engage him in discussion of the Dallas Cowboys. I encourage you to pay particular attention to the host on the left side of the frame, as he realizes that five-time NBA all-star John Wall is playing spades instead of paying attention to the topic of the Dallas Cowboys during this televised interview.

Morning Tailgate host realizes that five-time NBA all-star John Wall is playing spades during televised interview segment, wishes for instantaneous death. (Youtube)

Wall's unseen spades partner seems also to have had a garbage hand, as, just after the moment in the above GIF, Wall mutters "four," the minimum team bid in many spades rule-sets, literally as the television host on the right is talking to him about the Dallas Cowboys. But the real juice of the segment comes a few seconds later, when the host wraps up his question (something about whether Wall is glad to see the other NFC East teams struggling) and Wall, who had not even been feigning bare-minimal engagement throughout it, says, "Repeat that question please, I'm sorry." Because he was playing spades. While the hosts of a television show were asking him about the Dallas Cowboys. On television.

I also like the moment, at around 3:45 in the video, when the host on the left asks Wall, a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan, if he can think of any particular Dallas Cowboys game that is cherished memory for him, in his capacity as a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan, and Wall answers: "Um, not really man." Honestly, I have never admired anyone more than I admire John Wall during this segment.

At the end of the interview, Wall predicted a big game from Cowboys quarterback Andy Dalton, a big game from Cowboys back Ezekiel Elliott, and a three-point Cowboys win. Dalton finished with two interceptions and a 65.8 quarterback rating; Elliott rushed for 49 yards and lost two fumbles; the Cowboys lost, 38-10. The Washington Wizards will win the 2021 NBA Finals.


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