My morning was suddenly and throughly disrupted by the mysterious disappearance of my keys. As an anally organized person, losing stuff drives me absolutely nuts. I was three-quarters of the way to becoming The Joker. I think my stress was tangible to everyone else, because Lindsey Adler, the holder of my spare keys that I desperately didn't want to have to retrieve, spent much time talking me off the ledge:
Everyone was very helpful with suggestions. It would have been understandable if I'd accidentally put my keys in the freezer when retrieving something else, or had unknowingly kicked them under the couch, or had left them in my pockets of yesterday's clothes, or outside in my lock. Good suggestions, all—except maybe from the person who asked if I'd looked in my cat's litter box(?). Any of those scenarios would have made sense, but my keys were in none of those places.
Nor were they buried in my bedsheets, or in a cabinet, or in the sweatpants that I had worn the last time I saw the keys, or on top of the fridge, or under the stove, or under the sink, or in a backpack, or in the silverware drawer, or in the laundry hamper, or in a jacket pocket, or—which would have been the worst-case scenario for embarrassment—on my person.
I was genuinely thankful for the suggestions! (Most of them. Not the person who asked if I own cargo shorts. Katie, we went to school together; do you really see me as that type of person?) Losing shit is stressful and I wasn't thinking straight. Independent observers gently asking Have you looked in X? is useful when in fact I might not have looked in X. I bet when you subscribed to this website you dreamed of one day helping me look for my keys.
But I swear to god I looked everywhere. Several times. No keys. I think I aged five years this morning.
What I did not anticipate was completely disrupting the workday for the entire staff of Defector.com. My coworkers immediately seized upon the mystery of my lost keys. They offered helpful suggestions, and also less helpful suggestions, and gave telling glimpses of how their own broken brains operate, and I think Albert was almost as stressed as I was about this. But eventually, the crowdsourced search-and-rescue operation paid off. Here's an edited Slack transcript, with the big reveal toward the end.
Albert
barry i’m going to go insane about your lost keys
i can’t handle items being lost. it turns me into captain ahab
Barry Petchesky
I am becoming the joker
i’m losing my shit
Kelsey McKinney
oh no barry
Sabrina Imbler
oh no keys!
Kelsey McKinney
barry can i give you an insane tip
Barry Petchesky
please do
nothing is too insane (Except maybe the person who told me to check the litterbox for them)
Kelsey McKinney
usually we look for things by scanning left to right like we read. when you’re looking, try to look right to left
because you’ll have to go slower
you’ll see more
Barry Petchesky
i will try this
i have made a phone list of places in my house and am going to check them off as i re-search them
Kelsey McKinney
okay also barry… where did you put the package did you check there
like in the recycling or wherever you put the box
this is my NIGHTMARE
i HATE losing stuff
Maitreyi
oh no barry this JUST happened to me a couple weeks ago and it was really stressful!
basically i was wearing a cardigan and a scarf, had taken them off and set them on a chair that had my keys on it and then had just gathered up all of it in a ball and dumped it in my hamper, so that’s where mine ended up being
im sure youve checked hamper though
Kelsey McKinney
losing stuff in your own damn space just makes you feel insane
Albert
kelsey the absolute worst is when something is lost but i know it’s definitely inside the house. if it’s like, maybe [my kid] left it at school or at a buddy’s house or whatever, then i can be like “OK well it’s gone.” but if i know it’s in the house, then i simply cannot rest at all until it is located
Maitreyi
the worst part is my mom had just offered me an airtag the weekend before and i was like “no no i never lose my keys, i always have them on me”
Kelsey McKinney
i’m also very organized like barry so this happens to me like once every 2 years and i lose my mind
Albert
because doing anything else feels absurd. i know it’s here! therefore this task must be completed before i engage any other!
Barry Petchesky
you know what’s an absolutely insane post that i think about all the time
Kelsey McKinney
during hte pandemc my friend who was online teaching high school, literally couldn’t let them come off mute because so many of them had beeping smoke detectors
cc dave mckenna
Dave McKenna
hah
i forgot about that
my life hack for beeping smoke detectors: if you don't listen to it it doesn't bother you
kinda like boygenius
Kelsey McKinney
barry this smoke detector blog is so good
Barry Petchesky
it’s insane
“how to find a beeping smoke detector” “look for it”
Dave McKenna
spoiler alert: the losing shit gets so much worse as an old
the brain going soft is only part of it!
the ears going bad adds a whole new layer
you drop things and don't hear 'em!
it's awful
Kelsey McKinney
luckily, i have never been able to hear correctly so i always use my eyes
Dave McKenna
nice
but old dog/new trick
complicates!
i have always been anal about my keys and drivers license and later on bank card
Barry Petchesky
dave, you keep your shit in a ziploc baggie
Maitreyi
The last time I know I saw my keys was last night, before bed, when I threw on some sweatpants to go retrieve a package from my building’s foyer. I did not end up needing the keys—I was able to dash into the foyer, grab the package, and get out before that door shut; my apartment door was unlocked—so I am pretty sure I did not take them out of my sweatpants pocket outside of my apartment. They must be in here somewhere.
hm this is a wrinkle barry!
Albert
barry the really great thing about that Keenan blog is that the first time i read it, i felt like i was gonna have a panic attack at the part where he realizes that his bathroom is basically designed to capture a smoke-alarm sound and amplify it, and that it could be coming from virtually anywhere else
but then it’s incredibly satisfying when he does, in fact, find the source of the sound
Barry Petchesky
yeah and it’s under a bag of sand(?)
Albert
yeah, somebody put the dang smoke detector under a frickin bag of sand under the dang sink
that person should go to jail
Owen Lewis
I love this website. (Hope you find the keys, Barry!)
Sabrina Imbler
The last thing I lost-lost, permanently, was a baseball cap in high school that I left in a classroom and never found.
woah I'm impressed barry
Barry Petchesky
ok in my defense
i was not a cap guy and that was the first day i had worn that cap to school
so i was not used to keeping track of it
Maitreyi
hm
shouldnt you have been extra conscious of the cap then
Barry Petchesky
hm
Patrick
you became a no hat boy
Lauren
what was the cap
Barry Petchesky
it’s funny/embarrassing
an ESPN cap
Maitreyi
the thief was doing you a favor at least
anyway IF they are not in your apartment at least you have your library card on them
keys have actually been returned to me that way
someone just took my keys to the library
and the library emailed me “we've your keys”
Dave McKenna
not helpful now Barry but, eventually you just have backup plans to avoid the stress. i've got hideway door keys and duplicate car keys
Barry Petchesky
Yeah, Adler has my spare keys but she’s not home for a couple more hours
Maitreyi
it’s not about having new keys
it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing
Dave McKenna
nope
it's about being trapped
Barry Petchesky
Yeah I do feel trapped
I can’t leave my home
Albert
i think the Keenan blog is actually kind of sweet? like it’s a real glimpse into his weird mind that he arrived at the utterly standard method for looking for something you can’t find (look everywhere, instead of where you think it might be, because if it was somewhere intuitive you’d have found it already) via some tortured Sherlock Holmes detour
Barry Petchesky
Oh yeah it’s a real peek into his brain
Dave McKenna
when you get old you lose your car all the time
anxiety on roids
grid cities and hi rise parking lots are evil
Albert
i’ve generally gotten better at not losing things as i’ve gotten older and learned to accommodate my rotten brain. when i was young basically all of my things were “lost” at all times and i just kind of hoped to run into them. now i generally know where my stuff is. but that’ll only last until dementia sets in
Dave McKenna
i've lost my car twice in recent years at hospitals and had to ask security to drive me around the lot
Barry Petchesky
I’m anti-airtags but maybe I need to reconsider that stance
Dave McKenna
yeah my keys and drivers license are the only planned parts of my existence
Albert
let’s publish 25 different increasingly urgent blogs about barry’s keys today. one from each staffer
Where Are Barry’s Keys
Please, For The Love Of God, Just Give Barry’s Keys Back, I’ll Do Anything
Jasper Wang
wive shouting from the other room: "we have to help barry find his keys"
Barry Petchesky
I feel so owned
Self-owned, really
Ray Ratto
Rented.
Chris Thompson
in defense of the smoke detector blog, i think it would be very hard to convince yourself to not freak out where the sound is loudest and behave stupidly when the sound is that unpleasant and that weirdly dislocated
Heather Chen
I also lost my keys yesterday and turns out I slept on top of my keys?? Which is
Ray Ratto
That's not losing your keys. That's smothering your keys.
Barry Petchesky
Heather I am like 90 percent convinced they’re in my sheets somewhere
Since their usual spot is on a shelf above my bed
Chris Thompson
heather i've done that with my phone a couple times. WHERE THE HELL IS MY PHONE and it's in the little nest of blankets and shit exactly under where i was sleeping
Ray Ratto
I have so much crap on my keyring that I can't lose them. Handy trick taught to me by my plumber.
Kathryn Xu
i did a 'sletter bit abt this but twice in this new apartment i left my keys in nj/lost them and had to go to my roommate's workplace midday in order to pick them up, go to home depot to copy them, and then return
Ray Ratto
And yes, I'm trying to fit a plug-in charger into my bed because I do the same thing Chris does, and my wife said, "You can do that after the divorce."
Heather Chen
Losing my keys was also like twelve hours after everyone in my apartment got locked out of the apartment while a pot of water was boiling inside? And no one wanted to call the fire department to break down the door so it ended up setting the whole pot on fire and then the landlord had to pry the door open
Chris Thompson
oh god!
Luis
lmao that's not what you want
David Roth
Jeez
Kelsey McKinney
barry still no luck?
Barry Petchesky
i am taking a break from searching. i think i need to let my brain settle down and look with fresh eyes
Kelsey McKinney
good idea
Chris Thompson
barry i sincerely think you should do a second blog about this today, whether the keys turn up or not
Albert
goddammit. if this had happened during the Gathering i would have straight up insisted on taking over the search by now
Barry Petchesky
i was just gonna update the blog when i find them
WHEN.
Chris Thompson
i mean an update is useful but a second blog, to me, is way funnier
Luis
hed: I Found My Keys
body: They were in my pocket. --30--
Barry Petchesky
i am going to be so mad if they’re somewhere obvious
Luis
they almost certainly will be, and that's ok
Barry Petchesky
no they won’t!
i’ve looked everywhere obvious several times
Albert
barry this is a dumb question but have you been able to look outside your apartment, along the route to where you picked up the package, or is that impracticable because of lack of keys
Barry Petchesky
no, i have done that thrice
Ray Ratto
When I lose my keys, they are usually found by my wife on the hook where the keys belong, which is how she came up with the divorce idea.
And hats off for "thrice."
Luis
thricely
Albert
next dumb question: if your keys fell out of your pocket along that route and somebody found them, is there someplace along that route where they might have thought to put them? like on top of a bank of mailboxes, or a railing, or uhhhhh in a potted plant? (this is entirely for me; i’m going fucking insane over this)
i’m going Keenan Mode
Barry Petchesky
i also thought that
but there’s really nowhere along that route i wouldn’t see them
people usually put communal shit at the base of the stairs
Albert
goddammit!!!!!
Maitreyi
at least if someone took them and tries to break into your apartment, you’ll be there
Kelsey McKinney
damn
Barry Petchesky
a silver lining
Kelsey McKinney
barry did you move your bed
like push it forward so you can look up against the wall
Barry Petchesky
yes
Kelsey McKinney
damn
Ray Ratto
Did you lose your keys on a prop bet?
Kelsey McKinney
yeah barry are you setting an over/under for this
Drew
Hear me out: a metal detector
Or see if your roomba will suck it up
Chris Thompson
barry did you have any illicit night snacks after your schlep to the foyer
Barry Petchesky
i did, but the keys are not in the cabinet
or the freezer or fridge
Chris Thompson
trash?
Kelsey McKinney
did you shake the sweatpants to make sure they didn’t like… somehow get stuck in there like a coat
Luis
what if Mercy is hiding them
Kelsey McKinney
that happened to me once when i thought my keys got lost in the big park
and then i jumped and i heard them
Sabrina Imbler
in shoes?
Kathryn Xu
like when Samer ate the bandaid
or didn't eat but it was just on his pants
Chris Thompson
wait when samer did what now
Kelsey McKinney
excuse me
Kathryn Xu
Samer
this is a little gross but not that gross: i went to sleep with a band-aid over a small cut on my finger and i woke up and can't find the band-aid... i've turned over the bed and everything
Albert
new theme week: Detector
Sabrina Imbler
we each hide someone else's most prized item
Albert
or maybe we all return to New York to find Barry’s keys, depending on how his search goes
Barry Petchesky
checked trash, checked shoes
Mercy is honestly my no.1 suspect
but this would be out of character for her
Kathryn Xu
barry is framing mercy for everything !!
Barry Petchesky
ok you need to stop defending her
Kelsey McKinney
i cannot imagine mercy doing this
but also…..
maybe she was grumpy or something. you did leave a lot last week for the meetings
Albert
kathryn are you suggesting that samer ate barry’s keys
Kathryn Xu
no!! later on it was revealed that it was just stuck to sam/er's sweatpants
i was recommending a good thorough shake
Chris Thompson
barry when you say you checked the trash, how thorough are we talkin
David Roth
Yeah you gotta hop in there
Go Oscar Mode
Chris Thompson
heavy things like keys sometimes go a long way down
maybe in your search you jostled them to the bottom
Albert
it would be a world-historic troll if barry found his keys like 45 minutes ago and just won’t let us have the satisfaction of knowing
Barry Petchesky
FOUND THEM
Albert
a;lsdifjads;lfgijdsfgo;asdhijfg
Barry Petchesky
IN THE FUCKING TRASH
Chris Thompson
WHOA!!
Albert
a;sdofijasd;foasjdf;aosidjfasd;ofijasd;foiasjdf;
Barry Petchesky
AT THE VERY BOTTOM
Chris Thompson
oh wow i fucking did it
i did this
Kathryn Xu
WOW
Albert
DETECTOR!
Kathryn Xu
chris is a hero
Barry Petchesky
i’m going to lose my mind
Kelsey McKinney
OH SHIT
OH MY GOD
David Roth
Sorry that happened to you man
Kelsey McKinney
good job chris!!!!
shit man
i was so focused on this
Chris Thompson
wow this is my proudest moment at defector
There you have it. They were at the very bottom of my garbage, which is full-height and has a lid. I had looked in there a couple times already but had not dug around at the bottom.
I have zero idea how they got there. I owe Chris a million dollars. This crisis is over!
