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This Is So Stupid

Where Are My Keys?

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Keys not mine; for illustrative purposes only.

I cannot find my keys. They are somewhere in my studio apartment. I think. But I don't know where. I have searched—again, I think—everywhere. At my wit's end, I am now asking you, the Defector commentariat. Where should I look for my keys?

You need to understand: I am generally a very organized person. I put my keys in the same place every time, so that when I need to find my keys to leave the house, I know where to grab them. I have never lost my keys for longer than, like, two minutes. The last thing I lost-lost, permanently, was a baseball cap in high school that I left in a classroom and never found. I still think about it. But as I attempted to get ready to go to the supermarket this morning, my keys were not where my keys always are. This was an hour ago.

There are four keys on my key ring: my building, my apartment, my mailbox, and my office. There are also some club cards, to the supermarket and the drugstore, and also my New York Public Library card. It will not be the end of the world if I have to replace all of this, but it is very, very annoying.

The last time I know I saw my keys was last night, before bed, when I threw on some sweatpants to go retrieve a package from my building's foyer. I did not end up needing the keys—I was able to dash into the foyer, grab the package, and get out before that door shut; my apartment door was unlocked—so I am pretty sure I did not take them out of my sweatpants pocket outside of my apartment. They must be in here somewhere.

Yes, I have looked in my sweatpants pocket. That was my first thought, too. No keys there.

I have looked in all the typical places things get to when I can't find them. No keys.

I live alone, and no one has been over since I last saw my keys. So no one has taken them. I do have a cat, but she is polite and does not typically mess with my stuff. And because my keys normally rest pretty near to my bed, I think I would have heard if she was smacking them around overnight.

It is humiliating to admit that I have lost my keys. But I am frustrated and out of ideas, so I am turning to you. Surely you have some good ideas for finding my keys. Tell them to me.

If I cannot find my keys, I will need to retrieve a spare set that my friend who lives nearby holds for me. This will inconvenience both of us, and also Jasper when I have to get a new office key. I don't want to resort to this. Also I really wanted to go to the supermarket before work. Help me find my keys.

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