Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about dipping pizza crust, worst great athletes, wheelchair envy, and more.
Your letters:
Charlie:
On The Distraction a while ago, Drew said he could live like a KING if only he were willing to live in, say, Youngstown, Ohio. I live in Peoria, Illinois (population: 100K), a reliably blue, progressive city in a reliably blue state. It is RIDICULOUSLY cheap to live here compared with every major metro area in the US. We have cromulent-to-very good versions of the important stuff: live music, barbecue, Vietnamese food, brewing and distilling, etc. We've got a ballet! We've got a symphony! My question is: which SMALL city of 250K or fewer inhabitants would you retreat to in order to best live like a king?
Is there any small city on the ocean that has a cheap cost of living, and isn’t Atlantic City? Because I don’t wanna be landbound anymore. I’m only three hours from the Atlantic presently, and yet that still feels too far inland. Too cramped and hurried.
We went back to the beach a couple of weeks ago. It had been nearly a full year since we had. That was too long, and I told my wife as much. I need the ocean, for both physical and existential reasons. My mind yearns to breathe, which is why whenever I make it to the coastline, I feel as if my soul is exhaling. I need to go somewhere that has an unbroken horizon. I need to lie down on the hot sand, close my eyes, and see the sunlight attempting to breach my eyelids, like holding a flashlight against your palm and marveling at its beams shining through your full hand. I need to feel the sun on my skin and hear the waves crash in a constant rhythm. I walk onto a beach and I feel reborn. I walk into the ocean and feel baptized back into myself. When I retire one day, it’ll be to someplace where the sea is never too far away. And when I die, I have it in my will that my surviving loved ones toss my ashes into the ocean. That’s how sacred the water is to me. That’s why I can never feel like a king living in Peoria, no offense to Peorians.
But that doesn’t answer Charlie’s question now, does it? He’s asking me to retire now, to somewhere small and cheap. In this country, every nice town on the ocean is hideously expensive, and every affordable town on the ocean is populated by gun nuts, racists, and Fred Durst cosplayers. That probably means, for this exercise, I should downsize my retirement dreams to a smaller body of water. A lake. I grew up on a lake, which is probably why I revere bodies of water the way I do. So go ahead and ship me back west to Minnesota, then plunk me down on one of the lakes that’s far enough away from the Twin Cities to be affordable. That’s where I’ll find lasting peace at a relative bargain. Until a nearby duck hunter accidentally shoots me in the face.
Garrett:
When typing on a keyboard, I use Caps Lock-Letter-Caps Lock instead of the shift key to capitalize letters. I started doing this as a kid and was never told to use the "correct" method. Now it's many years later and it works for me, even as someone whose job is pretty much all typing words. However, when I mention this to people, they absolutely lose their minds and act as if my (admittedly!) unorthodox method is beyond the pale. I can't be the only one who types this way. Why does this get such a wild reaction?
Because this is the internet age and everything merits a wild overreaction. You know that part. I’m not absolved from this practice, but it’s actively harmful for everyone online to continually scream THAT’S PSYCHO SHIT at other people for their various hangups and quirks. It not only encourages people to blunt their personalities to fit in with the borg, but it also robs words like “psycho” of their full meaning. Pete Hegseth? Now THAT is a fucking psycho. A guy who uses caps lock instead of the shift key? Less so.
OK, we’re done with the soapbox part of this answer now. I use the shift key to capitalize words, unless I’m doing my trademark screaming in all caps,. But I have plenty of other keyboard tics that might get me the side-eye. For example, I’m a hunt-and-peck typist and always have been. If I misspell a word, I’ll sometimes backspace through the entire word and then retype it correctly, instead of correcting just the one wrong letter. I never use spellcheck (YOU: “That explains a lot”). I used to double space after every period and only managed to break the habit a couple years ago. I compose all of my work in Microsoft Word, even though that product gets worse with every update. And, apart from jotting down notes, I never write anything in longhand. It’s too hard, and my handwriting is too shitty. I’d probably be a better writer if I used longhand more often or, if like other writers, I printed out a physical copy of my work to review before hitting PUBLISH. But nah, fuck that shit. I do what works for me.
That’s the real lesson here. “You do you” has been a backhanded compliment online for years now, but seriously … you do you. If using caps lock as your eternal shift key does the job for you, then go nuts. Doesn’t matter to me one way or the other. I try to save my judgment for the big people in my life. And even then, those people are still gonna do things that piss me off. Not fair, really. Everyone should just do as I say.
Matt:
What can not a single person look cool while doing?
Taking a dump is the chalk answer here, even if you’re a disgusting coprophiliac. No one looks cool while shitting. Everyone looks exposed and vulnerable … which itself is kinda cool, so long as you mentally block out the image of, say George Clooney holding onto the towel rack while pushing out last night’s caviar.
But I’d like to do a little bit more mental diligence for this answer, if only to fill up more column space. Getting operated on, for example. No one looks cool lying on an operating table. I don’t care if they’re cutting you open because you spontaneously grew a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle inside of your organ sac. You’re still just a cold lump with a bunch of tubes sticking out of you. And you might say, “Well what about a caesarian section, Drew? Giving birth is cool!” Ask a mom if they’ve ever felt cool while they were in labor. I’d ask my wife right now, but I don’t wanna get punched in the John Stones.
Now if you gave birth while SMOKING, that’s a different story. Everyone looks cool when they’ve got a cigarette dangling from their lips. Even while taking a dump, now that I think about it. The lesson here is that everyone should smoke more.
Carl:
What's worse, shitty election results or misuse of the word literally?
Oh we lost the battle for “literally” a long time ago, amigo. You know how Parks & Rec had a whole running gag where Rob Lowe would misuse “literally” in every sentence? That show went off the air in 2015. Abuse of “literally” has only metastasized since, and I don’t fight it anymore. Neither does the Merriam-Webster dictionary, which now has a second definition of the word that reflects how people now use it as a synonym for “very.” In other words (no pun intended), the people who abuse that word are, lexicographically speaking, using it correctly. Although Webster’s does have this usage note below the second definition, which I found amusing:
The exaggerated use of literally is common and surprisingly old: evidence of it dates to the mid-18th century. Despite custom and history, phrases like ‘literally raining cats and dogs’ and ‘books literally flying off the shelves’ greatly irk many people and invite more criticism than understanding.
More irksome than Susan Collins getting reelected this fall because Graham Platner is a shitbag? No. But irksome nevertheless.
Matt:
Wouldn’t the pro leagues be well served by mic’ing up all the players and broadcasting feeds of all the trash talk?
No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No no and no. We already have way too many microphones and cameras in sports. All of that surveillance robs players and coaches of the freedom to be fully spontaneous. Watch a modern episode of Hard Knocks if you’d like proof. I want these people to speak their minds, especially in the heat of the moment. I don’t want Kevin Garnett checking himself before he whispers to Carmelo Anthony that Melo’s old lady tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. I want my athletes to be ruthless out there. That’s why I never give a shit about any mic’d up segment. You end up with a 30-second clip of some linebacker screaming GOTTA GET THIS ONE Y’ALL to everyone. That’s boring. Take the mics away and let these guys get nasty with one another, a la Jordan and Bird.
Since we’re on the topic, I’m gonna go ahead and repeat my plea to anyone who works at NFL Films: Please send Defector all of the unedited NFL Films B-roll. You know the footage I’m talking about: all of the swearing, the on-field threats, the slurs … all that juicy shit. We even have secure channels for you to give us the goods. The Ginger Hammer will never know it was you, I swear!
Ladanian:
Have you ever visited a red state? I haven't since Republicans lost their minds. However, I have been to Cambodia, and the advice in Cambodia is if you get sick/hurt you don't go to the hospital you get on a plane and get to a Thailand hospital. Is that kind of what Alabama is like? My brother went to Arkansas last summer and he said all people there could talk about was the tick infestation. It made me think... dude just go to Cambodia. Arkansas doesn't have Angkor Wat.
I’ve been to red states lately, sure. I live a stone’s throw away from Virginia, after all. And if you don’t count NoVa as red, I’ve recently ventured deeper into that state, along with both Carolinas, Texas, Louisiana, Montana, Idaho, and Wyoming. I’ve had myself a good time in all of those places, despite knowing that their politics are largely rotten. It’s never fun to see TRUMP yard signs out in the wild but fuck, you drive 20 miles outside of any American city and you’ll see those. It shouldn’t dissuade you from venturing out there. People aren’t their government, you know what I mean? And Americans are partitioned off from one another plenty already. It personally behooves you to go out there and see what those places, and their residents, are like. You don’t want those chuds judging blue states without ever having set foot in any of them, yeah? Same principle applies. I’m not talking about opposing senators worshipping their Wednesday tee times together at the expense of everyone else. I’m talking about real people here. The more people learn about one another firsthand, the more they understand one another.
Also, I fucking LOVE visiting Texas. I’ve enjoyed my trips to Dallas, and even Texans think that Dallas sucks. Texas has killer food, supermarkets the size of the Pentagon, and year-round patio drinking. That’s my kind of place. Greg Abbott can get fucked with a six-shooter, but Texas itself is pretty cool.
HALFTIME!
Sean:
What's the best thing to dip your pizza crust in? Growing up, I drastically inflated the value of Papa John's due to the fact that, in the denouement of a meal, I could douse my crust in garlic butter sauce. More recently, I've noticed that Caesar salad dressing has a similar zesty tang while making me feel slightly more adult and culinarily adventurous. The answer definitely isn't fucking ranch, right?
Oh yeah I know people who swear by the Papa John’s dipping sauce. I fully credit that company’s success to the sauce, and to the free peperoncini that comes with every pie. That’s how low the bar is for chain pizza in this country. All you gotta do to differentiate your product is throw in a little bit of free garnish. If Domino’s started adding free peperoncini to every order, Papa John would shit his pants in fright.
Anyway, I support the repurposing of pizza crust as a utility breadstick. Always fun to dunk it in marinara sauce and what have you, although that’s not usually how I roll. Instead, I do something that will surely disgust a certain percentage of you. Every time my family has pizza, I open up a tin of anchovies to put on my share. No one else in the house likes anchovies, and no one likes the leftover ones smelling up the fridge, so I usually eat the entire tin that night. This is where the crust comes in. I take a few leftover anchovies, lay them across a crust, fold the crust in half, and eat an adhoc anchovy finger sandwich. That’s me doing me.
Shoutout to Caesar dressing with pizza, by the way. Shit, sometimes I put salad directly on top of my pizza for extra flavor. Again, I do me. I do me so long and hard, oh my god.
Lou:
I just saw a dude in a wheelchair being pulled by a dog like it’s the Iditarod. Why doesn’t this happen all the time?
Probably because it’s demeaning to the person in the wheelchair. Also, you ever push someone in a wheelchair around? It’s hard. Human beings weigh a lot, and not every wheelchair is a smooth ride. Sometimes you get a wonky, shopping cart wheelchair that makes the whole process even more cumbersome. Switching from push to pull would only make it a bigger pain in the ass.
I remember wanting to ride in a wheelchair when I was a kid. I’d see old people cruise by in one of those bad boys and think to myself, "Oh man, I wish I was 80." Same as how I’d be jealous of kids at school who were on crutches because they’d busted an ankle or something. I’d always want crutches of my own. I know better now. I prefer to be fully ambulatory.
Mike:
You had an interesting question on the podcast about how to avoid eating too much from the munchies, and I actually have a great suggestions to keep those empty calories down:
1. Mint gum - tricks the brain into thinking its munching, plus the mint gives a whole "just brushed my teeth" vibe so you avoid eating.
2. Frozen blueberries - good any time of the year, and you can only eat them so fast because they are frozen
Yeah but I’d still end up housing a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch after trying both of those methods. Shoutout to frozen berries, though. They’re a clutch item to keep in your freezer for smoothies, pancakes, and other culinary needs. Frozen mango chunks are also handy.
Steven:
I'm lying on the couch after my vasectomy, and it got me wondering: what percentage of frozen peas are actually used for eating, vs. being used as an ice pack?
Frozen peas are also clutch! We use them in pot pies, stews, and all kinds of other shit! I’m certain that I’ve eaten frozen peas for a bag that I also once used as an ice pack. So versatile! Frozen produce is so much cheaper than the fresh stuff and, at least where I live, often better quality. It’s a trade secret that BIG FARMER’S MARKET doesn’t want you to know! Anyway, my answer is 90/10.
Jon:
I thought of the phenomenon of people who drop their pants completely to the ground while sitting on the toilet. Occasionally I've been looking for vacant stalls and observed pants completely on the ground past their ankles. This is disgusting, right? I have even seen this in airports.
It’s gross, so much so that Deadspin used to post the occasional wild shot of someone doing it at the stadium trough. But then someone on staff was like, “Hey man, what if that guy has his pants all the way down because he’s got problems upstairs?” and then I was like “Ohhhhh.” Sure, the guy might just be drunk as shit. But there are always more serious factors to consider. This is how I ended up woke.
Matt:
Do you think a show like MTV Cribs would go over well these days? Limiting it to modern musicians and pop culture figures, not corporate chuds.
Sure. Conspicuous consumption has never gone out of style in America, and never will. Head over to YouTube and watch Logan Paul give you a tour of his house(s) for proof. People watch the shit out of that garbage. And think about how many people binge-watch real estate porn over on HGTV. I guess it feels more ethical to watch some hayseed couple from Arkansas renovate a shitty house into a somewhat nice house on a modest budget of $475,000 but really, it’s all the same shit. It was just more fun when the Youngbloodz were the homeowners in question.
Justin:
This year, for the first time, I'm seeing content online about "spooky season starts July 5." People are putting up Halloween decorations two and a half weeks after the start of summer; somebody I follow on Facebook put up a Halloween tree on July 8! I love Halloween as much as the next person, but this is insane behavior, right?
OK yeah, THAT is psycho shit. I get it when grocery stores stock Halloween candy starting this time of year. They’re just trying to goose sales during low season. But putting up Halloween decorations now? In your home? No. Fuck that. You’re not Rob Zombie. Get a life, you weirdo. And what the fuck a Halloween tree? THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW.
Matt:
I was curious if have any superstar players that you personally think suck just based on pure emotion. For me, it is Kevin Durant. I can empirically be proven wrong easily, as he is one of the most talented and accomplished players in the history of the sport. However, whenever a team has Durant, in my mind they have gotten worse from a basketball perspective. I can’t explain it, it’s just a feeling. This could be because his personality lends itself to poor leadership. But I just don’t trust in his abilities to be great, even though he definitively is.
Well, his recent playoff track record leaves something to be desired, so I get where you’re coming from. Stick Durant on a contending team like the Knicks (can’t believe I can use them as an example now), and suddenly he’s not so disappointing to you. But as it stands now, he’s just a traveling mercenary who exists to cash a fat paycheck with a low playoff seed. Plus he’s kind of a dipshit, so you’re inclined to think less of his basketball skills because you dislike him as a person. That’s basic fandom right there. Why do you think I insist that Jordan Love is overrated despite a plethora of metrics saying otherwise? Because FUCK Jordan Love. No one said your takes had to make sense.
By the way, the greatest exemplar to your question is Chris Paul. By the numbers, he’s one of the greatest point guards to ever live. Find yourself a hoopster who believes that.
JW:
What's Jay Glazer up to now? Does he still do scoops? Did he cede that territory to Adam Schefter, or do I just never hear about it because the ESPN megaphone drowns out anything happening on Fox? I don't know anything about Glazer's politics (which is really a blessing for any public figure) but I'm hopeful he's not anything like Dana White. My memory of him from when I did see him was that he was an affable meathead who took the NFL a little too seriously. I hope that's accurate. As a professional ball-knower, I'd like to hear your opinion on Glazer and what he's been doing lately.
I’ve known Jay Glazer since GQ made me profile him a dozen years ago. He’s still the inside guy on Fox NFL Sunday, and he’s still a fucking lunatic who thinks that MMA is real. However, he aspirated during an otherwise routine back surgery many years ago and contracted double pneumonia as a result. That crippled his lungs and left him literally gasping for air while doing basic shit. As far as I know, he never recovered his full lung capacity, which has almost certainly affected his ability to get scoops. With that in mind, there’s only one way that Glazer can reclaim his throne as the NFL’s top scoopmeister. That’s right: he has to start fucking Mike Vrabel.
Monte:
You can speak any language in the world, but the catch is it can only come out in full-throated song. Are you taking that deal? What is that life like?
Well wait, can I speak in my normal English voice for this, too? Or can I only sing-speak for the rest of my life? If it’s the latter, I can’t take the deal because it would lead to severe depression. I love to sing, much to the regret of my friends and family, but I don’t love to sing THAT much. I don’t even like musicals, so the idea of living the rest of my life as if it’s an extended production of West Side Story doesn’t fill me with glee. I’d rather just keep my current speaking vocabulary.
But if I can still speak English but sing fluently in another language, then of course I take the deal. I’d choose Italian, become a famous opera singer, and then get super laid.
Email of the week!
Alex:
Your hands are dirty, and you have to use the bathroom. Do you wash your hands, conduct your business, then wash your hands again? Or do you save the hand-washing for the end? I feel like there are degrees here. If I'm working with something that will cause me regret in the immediate future if it enters a mucous membrane, I'm 100% washing my hands; if my hands are covered in Cheeto dust, I'm holding off.
If my hands are visibly VERY dirty, I wash twice. If I just cleaned my grill (pain in the ass), I don’t wanna get old chicken grease on my dingaling. The dog might try to eat it if I do that. Better safe than sorry.
