Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking belts, the Thunder, remembering some book characters, and more.
Your letters:
Dave:
There are obviously many things that led to the sad state of affairs we're in, but how much of this mess is because Democrats are just so shitty at marketing? MAGA has an absolute shit product for their customers, but they're able to sell it all day. I know Dems are a bit more handcuffed by things like "the truth," but they still are offering a far superior product to the consumer. I'm putting you in charge of marketing for the Dems in the next cycle. What's your plan?
Are they offering a superior product? What is the Democrats’ product? Even Ken Martin, the eel who runs the DNC and just disavowed the party’s official postmortem analysis of the 2024 election, admitted that voters have no fucking idea what his party actually stands for.
We can’t just be anti-Trump, we must have an affirmative agenda to sell the American people.
Correct. I’ve only been screaming this at Democrats for the past, oh, forever. Martin then uses this vital realization to spew the usual bunch of establishment Democrat loser shit:
In the wake of the 2024 election, we have seen Democrats run and win on a positive message around affordability, centering on kitchen table issues and the needs of working families. It’s resonating.
Is it, Ken? Because I’ve been hearing your type refer to “kitchen table issues” (most Americans can’t afford a kitchen table, or a kitchen) and “the needs of working families” (a construct taken directly from the imagination of Chuck Schumer) for decades now. This is the formless, generic brand of centrism that Democrats have been dry-humping since before Joe Manchin was nursing at his mother’s teat.
There’s no affirmative agenda to sell in this messaging unless you pair it with actual, meaningful shit. Zohran Mamdani understood this innately, which is why he offered tangible proposals to help save voters money: free buses, frozen rent, and free daycare. You see how that works? The message, in this case affordability, only works if you have substance beneath it. But we know that Mamdani is The Great Satan to every Democrat in charge, because they don’t WANT policies that actually work. They just want the Democratic Party to be Republican Lite. That even includes the late Barney Frank, who spent a few of precious remaining moments on Earth doing his shittiest James Carville impression. Fucking lump.
So if you put me in charge of the Democrats' marketing team, and you should, I would insist on not just selling the product, but also conceiving of it. I can’t sell you a pen that has no fucking ink in it, can I? So here’s how I’d craft my RFP:
The Economy: Under us, every American will save a shitload of money and make even more than that. You won’t have to worry about paying for healthcare, for daycare, or for college tuition. We’re also gonna break up all the monopolies that are raising prices and ripping you off.
Crime: We’re gonna lock up all of THE REAL criminals, and make it so that they can never harm you again. Cue a photo montage of Donald Trump, Elon Musk, JD Vance, Pete Hegseth, Kristi Noem, Sam Altman, and the rest of the white-collar scum. They’re all gonna get put out of commission. Same with all ICE agents. These guys are some really bad hombres! THEY’RE EATING YOUR PETS!
OK, now I’m gonna go lightning round for the rest of my proposal.
Foreign Policy: We will put an end to all wars, especially this stupid Iran one.
Education: We will regulate the AI industry and end its deathly grip on our national education system. We’ll make pre-K and college free for everyone.
Immigration: We will make this country welcoming to anyone and everyone.
Abortion: We’re gonna bring back Roe.
The Judiciary: We will pack the court and end the Supreme Court’s reign of tyranny.
I didn’t bother to include the “how” in any of these, because there’s nothing Democrats love more than getting lost in the how of things. You bring up Medicare for All and some Pelosi wannabe immediately screams, "BUT HOW WILL WE PAY FOR IT?" Or when Democrats do support good ideas, they subsequently waste months on end over-explaining how they’ll get it done over the course of the next 40 years. Awful. Worthless. Stupid. The reason Trump appeals to voters—apart from all of the horrible shit—is that he never talks process. He only talks about results. Even if he doesn’t do something, he just says he did it anyway. Americans, who are big stupid babies who want everything right now, love that kind of shit.
That’s a lesson that Democrats either never learn or, because they want to hang onto their phony-baloney jobs, don’t want to. That’s why the second that party gets any momentum, they piss it away by droning on and on about how they must first navigate the 999 layers of bureaucracy in their way before they can actually make anything better. Nobody wants to hear that shit. You just say, “We’re gonna fix that fucking court,” and then you do it. You don’t say you’ll convene a bipartisan panel to explore criminal charges against the Trump administration, you just say, “We’re gonna ruin those assholes,” and then you prosecute one of the three dozen instances of fraud and corruption he's committed over the last two years.
Do I believe that Democrats, as a whole, will actually do any of that should they run up the score in the midterms? Nope. But I’ll keep on shouting about it anyway. I got nothing better to do.
Noe:
Tell us about your favorite literary characters. I've been reading Don Quixote on and off for the past seven years. It's taking a while because I'm reading it in the original Spanish. Every time I come back to it, I pick up the characters immediately because of how alive and vibrant they are. I guess that makes sense considering the book is a masterpiece, but it's still pretty neat. As a reader and writer yourself, what are some of your favorite characters? Let's remember some literary characters.
All of my answers are gonna be so clichéd, I’m embarrassed to even name them. But you put the question to me, and I’m an honest guy, so here goes nothing:
-Ignatius J. Reilly. Of course Ignatius J. Reilly is my favorite literary character of all time. You knew damn well that I, a middle-aged white guy, am gonna revere the original Cartman. Ignatius is a self-obsessed, overweight egomaniac who cannot control his own farts. Why, reading Confederacy of Dunces was just like looking in the mirror, it was!
-Vincent Hanna. Michael Mann’s Heat is a legendary film, but not a perfect one. It needed more time in the edit bay to trim off the fat. The two protagonists should have killed each other at the end of the film. And, despite Al Pacino operating at Maximum Pacino levels, his Vincent Hanna wasn’t a fully realized character outside of the usual hard-boiled cop stereotypes. The Vincent Hanna of Heat 2, Mann’s sequel-as-novel (co-written with Meg Gardiner), is WAY more interesting. He’s coked to the gills all of the time, he gets all of the best lines, and the novel shows us why the man is so dogged instead of having Pacino explain it to Diane Venora in a handful of boring-ass scenes.
-The Great Brain. You can blame these books for turning me into a kid who believed he was smarter than everyone else around him. Mormonism has no better ambassador than Tom Fitzgerald.
-The deaf old man from A Clean, Well-Lighted Place. You thought I’d pick the old man from The Old Man and the Sea, did you? Well, I’m picking a different Hemingway character that’s kind of the same as all the other Hemingway characters! GOTCHA! This was the short story that made me want to be a serious writer, instead of whatever I am at the present moment.
-Jackson Lamb. There’s a reason that Slow Horses is one of the best shows on television right now, and there’s a reason that Gary Oldman wants to play Jackson Lamb forever. Mick Herron’s novels were so well-crafted that showrunners barely had to change a word of his text.
I’m missing a bunch of characters here, mostly because I can’t find the old Deadspin post where I listed my favorite books of all time. I should probably keep that list handier, instead of relying on my stupid brain to remember all of the names. Anyway, our commenters below will give you a much better assortment of fictional giants than I have.
Kristopher:
An article in today's Athletic is titled, “Why are so many athletes blinged out?” I haven't read it, but surely the answer can't be too complicated; athletes are often cool or stylish and they're monied. If you were a pro athlete or Olympian, would you bling out? What would be your drip?
Oh wow, congrats to The Athletic for recycling column ideas from 1997. Rick Reilly would be so proud.
We don’t need to get into the particulars of why pro athletes like to buy fancy shit, given that the matter has been settled for ages now. But would I ice out if I were superstar QB/point guard/Olympic skier/heavyweight boxer? I wouldn’t, because I can’t pull it off. Picture me with diamond studs in my ears and a thick gold chain. Are you impressed? I doubt it. I can’t even be bothered to wear a fancy watch because, like a lot of people, I’m more comfortable with a bare wrist. Now, does that mean I’d pull a gym rat and never spend my money on anything conspicuous? Hell no. Fuck that humble-man shit. I enjoy spending money, so I wouldn’t hesitate to go nuts if I could spend more of it. Here’s how I’d roll if I had LeBron money:
-Custom suits. I once praised racist has-been Conor McGregor in this space for his impeccable taste in suits. I stand by that endorsement, to the point where I would definitely load up on suits from David August to wear for my little concourse runway walk before every game.
-Huge house. We all had our fun here at Defector when the luxe bachelor pad of then-Cards head coach Kliff Kingsbury was revealed to the world during the 2020 draft. But I would absolutely live in that house. I love all of that Entourage shit. In fact, I still have a retirement plan where my wife and I retire to a beachside mansion that has all of my requisite baller amenities. Infinity pool? Check. Roof deck? Check. Private grotto for lovemaking? Check. Home theater? Yep. Fire pit? Why just one? Whether I like it or not, I’m American at my core, so I like a lot of extremely American things.
-Nice car. I’m not a car guy. I don’t need to own a warehouse storing 100 vintage automobiles like some washed-up comic. But I don’t like driving around in a junker, either. I like nice cars that are spacious, comfortable, and have serious pickup. So put me down for one of those $200,000 Mercedes SUVs that massages your balls while you’re doing 95 down the interstate.
That’s my dream asset portfolio. Please tell your closest 10 million friends to subscribe to Defector so that I can make it happen.
Pete:
Today, one of my students roasted me as, “a guy who wears a belt.” I do wear belts. Is it just a case of not getting something, or is there something wrong with this belt phenomenon? Or the kids?
When I went on a quest to find good pants for GQ eight years ago, the magazine’s fashion guru at the time, Mark Anthony Green, told me that you shouldn’t need a belt if your pants fit right. But that doesn’t mean you should never wear a belt. First of all, it’s hard to find good-fitting pants. Secondly, there’s no accounting for fluctuations in your weight after you’ve scored the mythical perfect pair. And lastly, belts still have decorative value. Ask any Texan. Belts can serve form, not just function.
Now is that why I still always wear a belt with my jeans? No, it’s because I don’t want everyone to see my asscrack when I bend over to pick a Dorito up off the floor. Also, no one will mistake any of the belts I own for a personal fashion statement. I don’t even wear the super preppy Vineyard Vines one that I got as a Christmas gift from my folks a few Christmases back. The belt I wear is plain brown, with a tarnished buckle. High school students would surely roast me for wearing it. But kids are assholes. They’ll roast us olds for anything, no matter how hard we try to avoid their ridicule. Ditch the belt and they’ll taunt you for being the “guy who wears a shirt.” Fuck 'em. Wear what you wanna wear and get on with your life. It’s the right move.
HALFTIME!
Sam:
I recently posed the "How to Eat a Pop Tart Correctly" questionnaire to a group of my friends, but I added one question: frosting up or frosting down? I really thought this one was a no-brainer. Obviously everyone would go frosting down. You get the frosting flavor directly on your tongue for maximum joy. I was wrong. No one else chose frosting down and now I'm left to wonder what other weird quirks I have that I think everyone does. Are you a frosting up or frosting down guy?
It doesn’t matter. The second you begin chewing a Pop-Tart, the top and bottom commingle. You’ll get plenty of frosting either way. Think about a slice of pizza. Would you turn a slice of pizza upside down to eat it, just so you could get 0.5 extra microseconds of cheese flavor on your tongue? You would not. Same principle here. And trust me, I’ve tested out this kind of theory many, many times myself. I’m just as much of a flavor hog as the rest of you.
Brad:
What's the statute of limitations on being upset about sports teams moving? For example, A's fans and Chargers fans are clearly within their rights to be indignant at what Fisher and Spanos did to them. However, at this point, people still complaining about the Brooklyn Dodgers leaving feel like the sports equivalent of people who are still pining about an ex who's moved on, gotten married, and now has grandchildren. Is there a rule on this beyond, "the situation when you were a kid is Normal and any changes since then are Wrong"? Does the presence of a replacement team change the equation?
You’re asking about the Thunder. You can say it outright. After all, they’ve been in Oklahoma City for 18 years now, long enough for the zoomer generation to think of them as the team they are now and not the team they once were. But for those of us who are old enough to remember all the good things about the Seattle SuperSonics—their kick-ass nickname and unis, Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp back when he was skinny—it’s harder to lose the grudge. That’s especially true because the Sonics moved from Seattle, a city I deem to be cool despite its present flaws, to Oklahoma City, a city I will never deem cool. Also, the Thunder’s present success is something that loyal Sonics fans should have gotten to enjoy for themselves, and that leaves a sting. So I have a hard time telling those deserted fans in Seattle to get over it. Having your favorite sports team taken away is like having a piece of your soul torn out. The hurt stays with you.
I’d tell you that all of this rancor goes away once a replacement team comes to town, but the existence of the Cleveland Nu-Browns undermines that argument entirely now, doesn’t it? The replacement team has to be good to make the pain go away.
Bryan:
My two least favorite athletes, by far, play for my favorite team: Rashee Rice and Harrison Butker. I hate these guys. I’ve had no trouble eating my morals for scumbags in the past, but these two drive me nuts. Have you ever truly loathed some guys on your team? Beyond guys who blew it (i.e. Gary Anderson).
I never blamed Gary Anderson for that 1998 title game loss and never will. That was a teamwide choke job if I’ve ever seen one. So as far as I’m concerned, they ALL blew it. So annoying.
But enough of my tedious homerism. Yes, I have utterly loathed some of the players on my own team, latter-day Brett Favre coming foremost to mind. But because I am a raving lunatic, I never rooted for any player, no matter how personally loathsome, to lose while wearing my team’s jersey. This is a business. My team is paying your sorry ass to do a job, so you better well do it. If you should fail—say by throwing a pick at the end of the 2009 NFC title game—then I’ll hate you forever. But only after you’ve let me down, never beforehand. Didn’t someone ask about toxic fandom last week? Well, anyway, I wouldn’t know anything about that.
Jon:
In the email of the week, your reader asked if other markets had stupid wordplay. Here's a poster I had hanging in my bedroom:
He was my favorite player on my favorite team, but this is a dumb fucking poster because of that ugly ass CubOOM! I know that now, and I knew that then. Also, it doesn’t really make sense considering a kaboom! sound would indicate a power hitter, and Mark Grace sure as shit isn’t one. He hit 173 homers in his career, and topped out at 17 in a season. The whole time it was up in my room, all I could think about was how fucking stupid that CubOOM! was.
But you hung it up anyway, didn’t ya? That’s fandom, baby!
Jerry:
You’re enjoying a peaceful evening on your patio, sipping a pleasant cocktail. Suddenly you discover that there are THREE tiny bugs floating in your glass. They died contentedly, no doubt about it. But what do you do? No copping out here. Do you: 1) fish out the bugs, resolutely trying to ignore that your finger has been places those bugs have not, 2) ditch the drink, 3) toss that mfer back and metabolize the extra protein.
I fish out the bugs if they’re easy to reach, otherwise I just keep on keepin’ on. That’s true now, even though I stopped drinking eight years ago(!). Athletic beers ain’t cheap, you know. Plus I hate getting up if I don’t have to. I don’t even send back my dish at a restaurant if there’s a stray hair in it. I’m not waiting another 10-15 minutes for them to cook a whole new dish. Daddy is hungry right now!
Sam:
So I recently had a bad night with some booze, and without getting into the sordid details, I've decided I need to take a break to reset my relationship with alcohol. I'm not drinking for all of May, at least, and may just be done with booze for good. TBD. My question is this: I've found my break, so far, to be... fairly easy. When you had to stop drinking because of your brain oopsie, was it a tough hill for you? There's a history of alcoholism in my family, and many family members struggled mightily to stay sober. But aside from the social aspect of drinking, I'm finding I don't really miss it all that much. Just wondering about your perspective.
I had an easy time getting off booze, but that was only because I had just suffered a stroke. The cause of my injury remains unknown, but I’ve long suspected that my drinking must have played some part in it. So in my mind, the decision between drinking and having another stroke was an easy one.
But man, it made cocktail hour pretty rough for a long stretch. I have an extremely busy mind, and alcohol served to keep it quiet so that I could better enjoy my evening. Without taking that edge off, I got equal parts bored and testy. Then I got the green light to do weed and that filled the void perfectly, until I started doing too much of that. So I’ve cut down on my cannabis intake recently, and feel much better as a result. But I haven’t quit entirely, and don’t plan to. I think you see my issue: I can quit one vice easily, but I always need another vice to replace it. I can’t have zero vices, or else I’ll get snippy. That’s compulsive behavior, which means I always have to keep an eye on myself. That goes for a lot of people, including you, Sam. Your “break” from booze has been easy, but you’ve still left the door ajar. What happens when you close it for good?
Email of the week!
Greg:
Liked your post about AI and commencement speeches. If you want a change of pace, check out Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott's address this month to St. Mary's College (my kid graduated from there in 2006).
It's very personal. He remembers his college years, but also talks about the stacked odds against him being there at all. He grew up in the tough neighborhood of Park Heights and saw his first shooting before age 10. His mom told him that because nobody cared, it was up to him to make things change. He went to college because people like his dad and coach chose it for him.
He talks about how Baltimore hit 300 or more annual homicides 18 different times since he was born. And when he became mayor, he vowed to slash the murder rate with a public health approach that rejected mass arrests and racial targeting. He spoke about how people laughed at the idea. Discourse around The Wire fits this 2022 quote from the NY Times chief TV critic: "It’s America. And in the America of “The Wire,” messed up things happen over and over like clockwork, and no one ever does differently because it’s just how things are done."
Except Baltimore has done something different. The murder rate is now the lowest in 50 years. April 2026 had just four homicides. It's definitely not only due to the mayor. Huge credit goes to everyday Baltimoreans who have walked away from violence on their own. But no matter what, this is something done by everyday city people without help from pundits, think tanks, federal programs or foundations. Mayor Scott calls out people who insist change is impossible. Are they too scared of change, any change? Do they not want the bigger world to change too?
I think a lot of them, deep down, don't. They need to loathe everyday people so much they can't admit to change on the scale of Baltimore turning back the vision of The Wire. They need the narcissistic reinforcement of certainty that comes from nihilism. There is absolutely no guarantee that Baltimore won't flip back. But cheap cynicism is the marker of someone who wants intellectual approval without earning it.
Greg, I hereby appoint you my deputy comms director.
