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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Urban Meyer Postgame Physical chart, and the red is circling around multiple times
Illustration by Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformancemismanagement, or scandal.

Oh, Urban Meyer. You had to figure if there was one time this season his team would play really hard for him, it was… well, it was earlier in the season. But after Meyer was spotted partying in an Ohio steakhouse with his name on it, his Jaguars did come out and play a bit. They won a game in London! They beat the Bills two weeks later! So maybe the Jaguars could come out and win one for their coach today. Or for themselves. For someone. Anyone.

This week, Meyer is dealing with a rough report on the NFL’s official website. Here is how it opens: “Months of tension surrounding Jaguars coach Urban Meyer has boiled over with multiple run-ins with players and other coaches in recent weeks, sources say, renewing questions in league circles about whether Meyer’s stay in Jacksonville could end after just one tumultuous season.” I have a question: Why does tension boil over? It’s even in a sample sentence in the Macmillan dictionary for the phrase “boil over.” Tension also simmers, metaphorically, too. Tension is just like a pot of boiling water. This makes sense. But just once I want to hear about tension that snapped.

No matter. Our own Kalyn Kahler has already written about one important part of the report: Urban Meyer “delivered a biting message that he’s a winner and his assistant coaches are losers.” It turns out Meyer, who indeed hired these people, has a bunch of winners on his staff. Three have won the Super Bowl as a coach or player! But do they have a steakhouse?

That was not the only fun fact in the report, though it was the most fun. Tom Pelissero also reported that several Jags players complained after last Sunday’s game that Meyer doesn’t treat them like adults. This was obvious, but the report also said Meyer also benched James Robinson, who everyone pretty much agrees is better than Carlos Hyde, for Carlos Hyde. Meyer had said it was injury-related.

But hey, who knows? Maybe they’ll play hard against Tennessee and turn things around to get a start on 2022!

Oh. I guess not. The Jags lost to the Titans 20-0. They had eight rushing yards. Trevor Lawrence threw four interceptions. At least James Robinson led the team in carries (with six). After the game, Urban Meyer said this: “Losing sucks. It’s all I can tell you. It eats away at your soul.”

It is the Defector Medical Evaluation Action Team’s opinion that Meyer is getting tenser and tenser. He could soon snap. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.