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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling This Afternoon?

Urban Meyer report. It's a circle with a chart. This one is all green, because Urban Meyer is fully Hale and Hearty rather than OH NO
Illustration by Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformancemismanagement, or scandal.

The Jaguars hosted the Bills this afternoon. Buffalo was favored by 14.5 points. Defector’s advance medical team sent alerts to the entire staff this morning to be on the lookout. Levels of “OH NO!!!” could be reaching as-yet-unheard-of totals. There might be five, six, or even seven exclamation points today.

But as the game progressed, we learned that Defector’s advance team was woefully misguided. The teams kept kicking field goals. Buffalo struggled to move the ball. It was tied at 6 at halftime. Jaguars defensive end Josh Allen sacked Bills quarterback Josh Allen. Then things got really interesting. Josh Allen intercepted Josh Allen. Josh Allen forced a Josh Allen fumble. The Jaguars led. Would they really upset one of the Super Bowl contenders?

They would! The Jags wound up winning, 9–6. The Bills’ second half was basically a disaster. They had five drives and turned it over on four of them (two interceptions, one fumble, one on downs). They punted once. Their last drive went into Jags territory, but a sack left them with a fourth-and-16. One incomplete pass later, the Jaguars had the ball back and were able to run out the clock.

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that, fresh off the biggest win of his NFL career, Urban Meyer has been diagnosed as fully hale and hearty. Though his team did not score any of what medical professionals call “touchdowns”—usually a prerequisite to winning in the NFL—the upset win has him functioning at 100 percent. Our medical team predicts that Meyer will remain in this state until at least next Sunday around 1 p.m.

Meyer is currently fully hale and hearty for the first time in his NFL career. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.

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