Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about China Gardens, paper clips, Robert Duvall, itchy assholes, and more.
Your letters:
Don:
Each week I do volunteer work that I love. Last week, one of the folks I helped came back later to ask if I was a Christian, and if I had been saved. I said that in fact I had not been saved, but then I listened to their sales pitch. They were not nasty and neither was I, and it ended after 60 seconds or so. I do, however feel that religion is a whole bunch of made-up bullshit that some people created to control other people, and I will never move off that. I don’t have a nice way of saying, “Yeah, I’m good” to people like this. Any suggestions?
I think you already handled it correctly. Proselytizers are used to rejection—ask any Mormon missionary. These churchgoers probably appreciate anyone who doesn’t slam a door in their face the second they bring up Jesus. If you don’t wanna join the church, you tell them so politely and then everyone goes on about their lives. God’s fine with that.
I was not always this civilized. I grew up fervently anti-religion, like Don up there. “The opiate of the masses,” and all that other shit. To me, every public Christian was either a shitbag televangelist or, even worse, a politician. My favorite comedian was Sam Kinison, a former preacher who turned on his church. I didn’t simply disagree with religious people, I looked down on them, like a Ricky Gervais type would. I thought this made me more rock-and-roll or whatever. But time has softened me on that … once I found Jesus. For Jesus, you see, is both the way and the light.
There are still plenty of fake Christians out there, especially in the Evangelical sector. But I’m otherwise good with the Jesus people now. In fact, I had an encounter with one not unlike the one Don had. I was in Philly two weeks ago when I stepped out of my hotel to smoke a preroll in a nearby alley. While I’m doing my dirty sinful business, this pale 20-something walked by me, then stopped and said, “Hello, would you like to come to church with me on Sunday?” I said, “No thanks, I’m good,” and he kept on walkin’ while I kept on smokin’. If this had happened 30 years ago, I would’ve laughed in that kid’s face, or maybe even told him to fuck off. But I’ve mellowed out since then, and not just because of the weed. This guy just wanted to invite me to church … or to his house so that he could subdue me with ether and then murder me. You never know with people these days. But I’d rather assume he was acting in good faith (no pun intended), so I appreciated the invitation even if I didn’t take him up on it.
Then I finished my cigarette and went back to my room for a nap.
Rick:
Has Trump speedrunning the U.S. into the ground made you nostalgic for the days of George W. Bush?
Nope, sure hasn’t! In fact, few things grind my burrs quite as much as Dubya, a man who started not one but two unnecessary 20-year wars, getting his halo buffed in retirement because he was a “better” president than the prolapsed asshole currently occupying the White House. Sure, George W. Bush killed hundreds of thousands of Iraqis all just to impress his daddy, but now he likes to paint! And he’s throwing shade at Donald Trump, too! Man, fuck that shit.
I am now at the age where things that have always been plainly obvious to me are not so obvious to younger generations, generations that didn't live through the Bush years. I have never wanted to be a teacher, and yet here’s elder wisdom forcing my hand. So cut and paste this for your kids: Bush got handed the 2000 election by a conservative majority Supreme Court, then his administration blew off warnings about 9/11 potentially happening, and then those same dopes fraudulently implicated Saddam Hussein in those attacks after the fact so that they could bomb Iraq into the Stone Age. Did you know that there’s going to be a Global War on Terror memorial for all the damage that Bush caused? Did you know that Bush is the chairman of that memorial’s foundation? Oh, and guess who approved the funding for that memorial? BAH GAWD THAT’S DONALD TRUMP’S MUSIC!
They’re all of the same ilk, these bastards. You can draw a line directly from Nixon to Reagan to the Bushes to Trump. They all served on a continuum as a part of the grander Republican project to liquidate this country and then sell off its parts for scrap. Trump is just the culmination of their collective efforts. His reign of terror—I can think of no more accurate description of it—is the treat that lifelong Republicans, Bush included, get to enjoy after spending their lives fucking everyone over. All of this shit should be in school textbooks, but the state of Texas just had all of those books burned.
This is why I wanna karate-chop a cinder block whenever I hear any Democratic lawmaker, or anyone else, say they want to “work with” Republicans, or that they “hope” Republicans will rethink their stance on that party’s now-obvious mission to run America into the ground. Voters, at long last, are finally demanding it. The first 2028 aspirant to get up on stage and tell the world, “Republicans are the enemy and we will crush them,” will win the primaries in a fucking landslide. The only question is if one of them will have the stones to actually do it. I ain’t holding my breath.
Rosary:
To Drew namary . Wow that wasn’t an article,it was a hit piece. I think you seek counseling for this problem against Josh McDaniels instead of writing in guise of analyzing the game
Who says I was writing in the guise of analyzing the game, Rosie? Everyone who subscribes to Defector knows that I only pretend to know things about football, all so that I can make fun of coaches and players I don’t like. I don’t like Josh McDaniels, so I wrote a hit piece on him. Felt great. Zero regrets.
I have no interest in consulting a shrink about this particular enmity. If anything, the people who want to defend McDaniels are the ones who are clearly lacking in vital mental faculties. Mike Tanier wrote up a good football defense of McDaniels’s playcalling during the Super Bowl, but also made it clear that he enjoys watching the Pats, and McDaniels by extension, suffer. This is the right way to go about life. You can hate Josh McDaniels too, Rosealoo. It’ll be good for you!
David:
If a ball carrier takes it to the house (rush, rec, or return), should they be allowed to turn around and try to run to the other endzone for another six points?
Yes. Anything that encourages more long returns, and more desperation endgame plays, is good by me. Plus, those bonus TDs would be extremely rare. Like when a batter strikes out on a passed ball/wild pitch but can still get on base if they run out the throw. I love all of those little two-dollar bill plays.
While we’re on the subject of the NFL, league owners will supposedly take a look at replacing the onside kick with a fourth-and-13 attempt. This, really, is the only remaining rule tweak I need. They brought back the kickoff, they expedited replay, they made extra points harder, and they un-fucked the Calvin Johnson rule. All they have to do now is fix the onside kick and NFL football will be PERFECT!
Chris:
I just drove by a China Garden in Canon City Colorado, and it made me wonder, how many independent restaurants in the US are called China Garden? Related, what's the most commonly used name for a restaurant? China Garden had to be up there, right?
Oh wow, there’s another China Garden just a few miles from my house in Maryland! It’s an epidemic of China Gardens! I’ve also patronized at least a dozen Thai restaurants that have the word “Jasmine” somewhere in it. These restaurants stick with what works.
However, I’m gonna say that the most commonly used name for non-chain restaurants in the U.S. is Joe’s. I’ve eaten at a Joe’s pizzeria, a Joe’s gastropub, a Joe’s greasy spoon, and a Joe’s deli. And I’ve had drinks at least half a dozen separate bars all named Joe’s. Joe’s transcends all cuisines. Plus, it’s a short name that everyone can remember. I don’t know why there are more Joe’s restaurants than Jim’s restaurants, but there are. I don’t need to do any research to prove this. I just know.
Am I going on and on about Joe’s because I was just in New York but didn’t have time to visit THE Joe’s in the Village, which is my favorite slice joint in the whole world? Possibly. God, I really wanna go back there now. Remind me to book an extra night at the hotel next time.
Joey:
My wife says I eat Oreos wrong. I twist the tops off, scrape the cream out with my teeth, then eat the cookie. Am I doing it wrong? Please help, she is shaming me in her company’s slack.
We’ve got another “Tell me my wife is wrong!” email here, but I’m gonna take Joey’s case because his wife went so far as to dox his Oreo habit to her coworkers. Only I’m allowed to make fun of my spouse online, Mrs. Joey!
Anyway, to the matter at hand: There is no wrong way to eat an Oreo. Every kid does the twist-and-lick thing that Joey details up above, and it’s no sin to carry that method into adulthood. The only reason that I don’t also deconstruct Oreos myself is because I’m an impatient old man who wants the entire Oreo in his mouth right now, this instant. I also prefer the interplay of the wafer and cream together on my palate, but you don’t need the food critic analysis here. It’s a fucking Oreo. You get to do what you like with yours, as do your loved ones. Nine out of 10 company Slacks agree on this.
By the way, here’s your reminder that the Extra Stuf Oreo Thins are money in the bank. Don’t tell my wife when I eat a whole tray of them when she’s not looking, though. She’ll tell people.
Mark:
Man, I really expected there to be a lot more discussion of the Super Bowl commercials that featured de-aged stars. That Dunkin commercial with like a dozen or more plastic actor stand-ins was awful. And Ted Danson maybe took the lead as most frightening one of them... until I saw Jeff Goldblum looking like he was a computer's idea of what a 17-year-old looks like in a Jurassic Park re-enactment. Is everyone just trying to forget this happened?
You’re assuming that anyone bothered to watch that ad. Personally, I stopped paying attention to the Super Bowl ads many years ago because they were getting worse, and because those same ads pop up online right after the game, and sometimes even before it. So there’s no need for me to stay glued to the TV for the entire Super Bowl telecast, hoping that the next ad I see is somehow the second coming of Ridley Scott’s 1984 ad. The ad breaks are no longer appointment viewing, which means that I don’t have to give a shit about the worst of them. You don’t, either.
While I’m on my little “protagonist of reality” tear, I also don’t think Americans like de-aging technology in movies and film. You can get away with it in small doses, especially when the story calls for it (Benjamin Button). But if you make the whole piece out of de-aged actors, it’ll look like shit. Also, I wanna see these people old and frail so that I can tell everyone else how bad they look now!
HALFTIME!
Jefferson:
How would Defector have covered Dennis Rodman?
Draymond Green is the modern comp to Rodman, yeah? All-time great defensive player who’s also an attention-starved dipshit? I think we at Defector could reconcile those two defining qualities. We usually call out Draymond whenever he flails his way into a “mistakenly” bagtagging an opposing player. We also concede that the Warriors dynasty wouldn’t have been possible without his contributions. We’d make similar accommodations in our Rodman coverage. We’d also extensively cover the fact that he was a drunk, a deadbeat dad, and the worst neighbor in American history:
Rodman seemed unmoved by the family’s sleep deprivation. When officers arrived July 22 to investigate her call, Rodman told them, according to the police report, that he didn’t care about disturbing those neighbors because they’re “just renters.”
What a dick. Alas, he remains the greatest rebounder I’ve ever seen. Defector would have covered all of that. Plus, the whole Madonna thing.
Chris:
How long after a shart before you can relax before farting? Asking for a friend (no, it's me).
Right away. No point in being anxious AFTER you’ve shit yourself. The deed is done. There’s no un-baking that brownie. Might as well keep on farting and see what happens next.
Also, a healthy adult is able to control their bowels the vast majority of the time. So what are the odds you’re really gonna shart twice in one day? Before I answer that, let me enjoy this plate of three chili dogs topped extra Frank’s sauce…
Oh dear.
Michael:
I understand that Pam Bondi is a terrible person but does it also make me terrible if given the opportunity I would fool around with her?
No, but you’d regret it like three minutes into the hookup. Unless you’re, like, super drunk.
JJ:
Robert Duvall just passed away. When I heard, one of the first things I thought of was how underrated his performance was in Kicking and Screaming, with Will Ferrell and Coach Ditka. Highly recommend it. I also recommend looking up his SNL skit with Garth Brooks, named "Who's More Grizzled?" What are some other underrated roles that you've seen by respected, talented actors and actresses?
I’ve never seen that SNL sketch before. Garth Brooks more than held his own in it, goddamn! What a talent.
Back to Duvall. I’ll go ahead and add The Apostle to JJ’s shortlist up above. You already know about all of the iconic Robert Duvall characters: Tom Hagen, Colonel Kilgore, Tom Hagen (again). But he was the kind of actor who could add weight to any movie or TV show he appeared in. Take Days of Thunder, for instance. It’s a fucking ridiculous movie, but Robert Duvall took his work in that film as seriously as he did his work in The Godfather. That’s why teenage me was able to watch that movie a dozen times without getting bored. Rubbin’s racin’! RIP to one of the best to ever do it.
As for JJ’s question, my answer is go watch The Hard Way. It hasn’t stuck around in the Rewatchables lobe of American pop culture, but it’s got prime Michael J. Fox using his boyish charm to play against type as a clueless Hollywood dipshit. And it’s got prime James Woods doing prime James Woods shit. You know … before he became the James Woods we all know and despise. The word “underrated,” like so many other words now, has been overused to the point of rendering it meaningless. So I’ll just say that The Hard Way is old but really good. Plus, its opening credits were the first time I heard “Mama Said Knock You Out.” That was awesome.
Jamie:
There used to be a billboard on the highway by my workplace advertising mayonnaise, possibly Hellmann's. The slogan was, "'Aioli' just means your mayo isn't good enough on its own." I was always irked by this. How presumptuous! Maybe it means I want a second flavor in my condiment? My favorite burger I've ever had was a turkey burger with smoked gouda and maple-bacon aioli (at Striper Bites in Lewes, DE; check it out if you're ever there), and that sandwich would absolutely the fuck not have been improved by swapping the aioli for regular mayo! What do you think? Am I right to be offended by the memory of this bygone propaganda?
No. It’s just an ad. It’s kind of weird for a mayo company to drag aioli in public, since mayo is used in aiolis, but whatever. They want you to buy more mayo, so they’ll lie in order to persuade you to go buy some. All ads lie, some just lie better than others.
But if I were a mayo lover, I’d indeed take brief affront at the idea that plain mayo, especially mayo from a jar, is the only mayo I’ll ever need. That’s like telling me that I only need to eat vanilla ice cream. Don’t treat me like a child, billboard. I can handle flavored substances. Don’t act like your shit is so ideal that Chez Panisse would serve it plain as an appetizer.
Roy:
I spend a lot of time thinking about the Buttfumble. The Buttfumble happened in 2012. Has there been a more iconic play in an NFL game since? Where does the Butt Fumble rank on the list of most iconic NFL plays in history?
Well, there’s a statue in Philly commemorating the Philly Special, so that was pretty memorable. There was also the Edelman Super Bowl catch, the Hail Murray, 13 seconds (more than one play but still), the Minneapolis miracle, Malcolm Butler, the miracle in Miami … you get the idea. There have been many iconic plays since the Buttfumble, there just hasn’t been a more iconic Jets play since then. That’s the real difference here. When you’re the Jets, you never live down your fuckups. Hence, the Buttfumble gets a place in the all-time blooper reel.
But kudos to Mark Sanchez for trying to move past his defining mistake by nearly killing an old man this past season. I’d have done likewise if the Buttfumble had been the leading headline on my resume.
Adam:
How much should I dislike Eileen Gu? The Tokyo Rose complaints seem overdone when she’s just maxing out her bag. But for someone as privileged as her to just toss off that she’s "Chinese" when in China and "American" when in the USA was very obnoxious. Should I just hate double citizenships?
Do NOT hate dual citizenships. You and I are gonna need to have those down the line at some point, if not right now. Also, nations are just like a construct, man. You’re giving into BIG BORDER when you believe in such things. Get woke, mister.
As for Gu, maybe she’s personally annoying, but I’m not gonna ding her for repping China over the U.S., or for leaning into her legit Chinese heritage. It’s not gonna affect my life one way or another, regardless of how genuine she is. Unless she’s a Packers fan, in which case please remand her to an island prison.
Michael:
Why are there small paperclips? I have the option to use either the large or the small ones, and I always choose the large because they work better and are easier to use. Is this just Big Paperclip making different sizes unknowing office companies buy both? They can't be that much cheaper.
Nah nah, small paperclips exist so that people can bind two or three loose pages together. They’re also more user-friendly to the small-handed among us: children, petite women, the president, etc. Because I have big meaty paws, I too only use large paperclips as Michael does. But if other people like/need a smaller model, I’m not gonna cry conspiracy about it. Paper clips are too stupid for me to get worked up over.
Plus they obviate the need for a stapler. Ever have to undo a stapling job? Or ever try to staple too many pages, and then staple gets stuck in there without curling around the bottom sheet? Awful. Gimme a paper clip over that anytime. Especially if it’s one of those sheathed paperclips. Like with stripey designs and whatnot? Those are fun, especially if you like unbending paper clips as much as I still do.
Patrick:
You can go back in time and move one athlete to a different team in their prime. It cannot be to your favourite team. You can use your power for good, or for pettiness (e.g. making Brady spend his best years on the Browns). Who do you move and where?
This is weird, but I always wanted Kobe to the Bulls to happen. I never liked Kobe, but I’m not making this move out of pure spite. I just want to see history’s foremost Michael Jordan biter play for Michael Jordan’s team. Also, Kobe leaving LA would have perhaps mitigated the cult of personality around him that persists in SoCal to this day, and will probably stick around until well after I’m dead. That legacy needed to be broken up and dispersed for the sake of public safety. You know, like raw sewage.
Michael:
Stuffy nose, runny nose, sore throat, or itchy asshole. Choose one you'd rather live with for the rest of your life and the reasons for choosing so.
Pfft, that’s no contest. I pick runny nose. First of all, my nose runs for six months straight every year anyway. It’s annoying but, saved for the chapped nose I get from blowing out snot constantly, not acutely painful.
All of the other options are far worse. Ever have one nostril completely stuffed up, so that you only have one working airway up there? That’s fucking miserable. Meanwhile, a sore throat always makes me think that I have some greater, more unpleasant ailment (COVID, pneumonia, throat cancer), so that’s out. And an itchy asshole is the worst of them. Not only does it feel gross and uncomfortable, but I just know that the backside of my underwear will look like hell on earth that second I get a look at them. Gimme that runny nose all year long, baby. Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife just asked me, for the fifth time in the past hour, if I’d like a tissue.
Email of the week!
Joey:
I get my kids' school lunches ready in the morning, along with their breakfasts, just before they get up. It's a nice way to start my day, doing this small thing to hopefully help brighten their own day, just a bit. As I was doing this, I needed to open a new pack of peanut butter pretzels and went for the drawer with our three pairs of kitchen scissors. Those little fuckers had managed to make off with ALL of them. This isn't uncommon, and yet it always manages to feel disquieting. Is it just my horribly little cherubs that hoard the damn scissors or is this every kid?
No no, it’s all of them. Children have no soul. That’s common knowledge.
