It's the most wonderful time of year, and we at Defector are proud to bring back our series discussing some of the most, uh, available holiday movies. The first movie in our lineup is Jingle Bell Heist, a Netflix movie about the magic of robbing the rich and experimental stem cell therapy. This week, we are joined by a very special guest: Leigh McKenna.
Leigh McKenna: Hi, Sabrina. This is Leigh. We are here.
Sabrina Imbler: Welcome! How have you two been since we last gathered to discuss 'Tis the Season to be Irish?
Leigh: I appreciate you thanking me for watching that movie.
Dave McKenna: That movie was ass.
Leigh: It was colorful, I’ll give it that! And so many jaunty neck scarves.
Sabrina: I really appreciate both of you giving this series another chance and taking the time to watch Jingle Bell Heist, a movie that unfortunately does not take place in Ireland but fortunately has a bit more of a plot.
Dave: It takes place in England! England is ass. I’ll stop with the ass now. Allegedly. The opening lines of Jingle Bell Heist have the main characters saying “You don’t have to do this!” to each other simultaneously. They’re preparing to rob a department store. We were just preparing to watch a movie. But if we knew then what we know now, me and Leigh’d be saying that to each other just the same!
Leigh: Lucy Punch was my fav thing about the movie. Love her and her fabulous fascinator.
Sabrina: I totally agree, Leigh, Lucy Punch was the best thing about this movie. And Dave, you have permission to continue with the ass. But before we dive in, I wanted to ask you both—have you ever pulled off a heist of any kind?
Leigh: I’ve taken more than my fair share of office kitchen treats. And I regularly offer to place the order for staff lunches so that I earn the points from Potbelly. Does that count?
Dave: I was accused of taking the last piece of pumpkin pie without permission by somebody in this chat. Not admitting anything. But it was three days after Thanksgiving. Nobody needs permission three days after Thanksgiving.
Sabrina: Leigh, would you like to weigh in on the alleged pumpkin pie theft?
Leigh: His heist failed miserably and he reacted like a toddler. He wants me to tell you that he went to the store and bought a replacement pie. Which I did appreciate (even though he practically hurled it at me).
Dave: Two pies! I paid my penance for my holiday heist. Burp.
Sabrina: I’m glad you were penitent enough to replace the pie, Dave.
Dave: It was so good. Since I’m confessing the last piece was actually a third of the pie and I ate it out of the pie tin with a knife and a tub of ice cream next to me. There, you have it all. I feel better now.
Leigh: I bought the pie from Wegmans and I was psyched about trying it. But the one from the clearance bin at Weis Markets was good too.
Dave: What was stopping you from trying it? Oh, right. Still in the confession booth: I bought two pies because they were half price. I tried ripping the price tag off but it was glued on and I failed. Holiday heists are real.
Sabrina: Still sounds like a deal! Speaking of deals, I’m sure there were some to be had in Sterlings Department Store, where this movie opens. It’s the holiday season, and one of our protagonists, Sophie, works behind the counter selling expensive jewelry to awful people, and also cleaning up vomit from various toddlers. She needs the money, we soon learn, because her mom is very sick.
Leigh: Sophie from the start seemed to me like the “hooker with a heart of gold” character, even though she’s not a prostitute. Everyone loves her, everyone knows her, she lights up every room, she pickpockets mean people and gives to buskers like any good Robin Hood. She was such a good pickpocket the whole movie I was wondering why she just doesn’t use those skills to pay for mom’s surgery.
Sabrina: That’s such a good point, Leigh, she really could be stealing the diamonds off people instead of making what I assume is close to minimum wage.
Leigh: Like the diamond dog collar—why turn it into lost and found? Just sell that thing. Instead she used it to get down into the security storage area where she stole cash.
Sabrina: In Sterlings, we meet Mr. Sterling himself, a man who watches over the people shopping at his store as he intones that the true meaning of Christmas is spending money.
Dave: You knew there had to be a Mr. Potter. Sterling only had a few scenes and he was a bigger douche in every one. I like where he calls an employee “Idiot!” for no reason. Then there’s Nick, the love interest/felon, who’s just bland and I think his first wife left him because he was boring and not because he went to jail. Hugh Grant on quaaludes. I gotta say I think Sophie, who Leigh tells me was played by “Olivia Something,” gave it her best shot. Somebody who can bubble like she bubbled would never pair up with boring ass Nick. Then there’s Nick’s roommate—I didn’t get his name—who is conspicuously irrelevant to the story. Every scene he’s in he just keeps asking to participate in crimes, but nobody will let him. That part of the storyline seems racist as hell. Then there’s Sophie’s mom, who’s there to show us that the Brits have socialized medicine! Good for them! BUT WAIT: Socialized medicine is failing her! So her daughter has to turn to a life of crime to get her healthy! Good for capitalism!
Sabrina: That’s such a funny point, Dave. I can only assume they cast Connor Swindells as Nick in this heist movie because of his last name.
We learn that Sophie and her mom moved to the U.K. for free healthcare and are still tailed by medical bills from the U.S. But the doctor explains to Sophie that her mom needs an experimental stem cell therapy that would cost a lot of money, because her mom won’t live long enough to get the therapy through the slower-moving channels of socialism. So Sophie needs to go private and fork over a hefty sum. I couldn’t help but wonder if this movie was written B.L. (Before Luigi) or A.L. (After Luigi) given its strong focus on healthcare as the only moral motivator for crime.
Leigh: I didn’t buy Nick as leading man material. Every time I saw him I thought of this line from So I Married an Axe Murderer staring Mike Myers, when he is dressed up as the Scottish dad and says “The Colonel with his wee beady eyes.”
The movie seems like propaganda for the U.S. health care system for sure. “Be careful what you wish for, America! You could be waiting on a list until you die.”
Sabrina: That’s the true miracle of Christmas, paying exorbitant amounts of money for the chance to save your sick mom faster than other people who also want to save their sick moms.
So Sophie and humdrum Nick decide to rob Sterlings. Nick actually just got out of prison for robbing Sterlings after installing its security system. Their first attempt—swiping what appear to be incredibly expensive necklaces kept inexplicably in the basement of the department store—fails when Sophie reaches the basement and finds the necklaces gone.
Leigh: Weird that they chose to name the leading man “Nick” as in good ol’ Saint but never once tied his name to Christmas unless I missed it.
Dave: Also, I have to get this in: Did anybody else notice continuity problems with Sophie? Some scenes she had prominent blonde highlights and looked like (geezer reference alert!) a young Valerie Bertinelli and other scenes she had all dark hair and looked like contemporary Kelly Clarkson. Also the gala announcement when they first showed it if I’m not mistaken said “2023.” So I’m guessing this project got shelved for a year or more. I bet they brought it back because of the success of 'Tis the Season to be Irish.
Leigh: My greatest annoyance with Sophie were the tendrils that would constantly be down, “framing” her face. Girl, pull those things back!
Dave: By far the greatest thing about watching the movie with Leigh was hearing how mad it made her! Especially the tendrils! Every few minutes I’d hear a groan and something angry about tendrils! I was dyin'. By the end all I could notice was the tendrils and even I was furious about ‘em! It was really funny! “I’M SICK OF THOSE TENDRILS!” I kinda knew what tendrils are before. Now I know I know what tendrils are!
Sabrina: After Nick and Sophie’s first heist attempt fails, they learn that Sterling has framed and fired Eddie the security guard, who is a very nice man who likes to paint little figurines, for the robbery. This fires Nick and Sophie up to try the heist again—this time going for the 500,000 quid allegedly stored in Sterling’s office. To do this, they need to create a diversion. They decide to hide the remaining stock of this season's most popular toy and provoke a fight.
Leigh: Mooshy Fox. What the heck? Did they tell us ever what was special about Mooshy Fox? Do we think it was entirely made up for the movie (so they didn’t have to pay for product placement) or is Mooshy Fox a thing in the U.K.?
Sabrina: I was similarly unconvinced that Mooshy Fox had the juice.
Dave: Yeah poor Eddie. How could Mr. Sterling do Eddie like that?
Sabrina: For the second heist attempt, Sophie and Nick case Sterling’s office with a flower-delivery diversion, where they learn the office in his safe is made by a prestigious safe company called Castorlock. The safe can only be opened with codes that generate every 60 seconds on an app on Sterling’s phone, and there is also a backup fob that also has the codes. This did not seem super secure to me—the app, sure, but just having a keychain that has all your codes that is just lying around your house somewhere?
Leigh: So funny how they chose department store uniforms to look like 1950s stewardesses … stripy shirt with a scarf tied around the neck. Then later when she and Nick were actually doing the heist they both had bandana-type scarves tied around their necks. Whoever did wardrobe for this movie has a scarf fixation.
Right, Sabrina (re: the fob). And why wouldn’t Sterling have that fob on the keychain he carries around with him? And Sophie learns in her mid-20 that she’s allergic to lilies? Is she really allergic or is that a put-on? Because I think we were supposed to think she was genuinely allergic but then she used the sneezing to topple the flower vase and spill the water sending the receptionist away.
Sabrina: Yeah, I too was neither amused nor convinced by the many diversions Nick and Sophie put on as they proceeded with their various heists. But after sneezing Sophie toppled the vase to get access to Sterling’s office, the movie took a huge turn for the better, because this is when we encountered Lucy Punch, who plays Sterling’s wife, Cynthia. Were either of you Lucy Punch fans before this movie? To me, she will always be the ugly stepsister who you kind of want to root for more than the main girly, because she’s so, so magnetic.
Dave: I only saw three movies this year, all with Leigh. I didn’t know who Lucy Punch was. She could do a good Cruella de Vil, is my cinematic neanderfuck take. Speaking of heists, she STOLE every scene she was in.
Leigh: Yes, when you sent us the list of movies to pick from, I saw that she was part of the cast and that’s why I picked this one.
Sabrina: Nice one, Dave. And Leigh that’s amazing that you identified Lucy Punch as maybe the best thing to happen to any of the extremely mid Christmas movies that have been released this year. She was unsurprisingly stellar, dripping with her signature disdain and wearing some insane outfits very well.
Leigh: I wanted to make sure we mention the old-school circle dissolves between scenes. Total '70s vibe. I could just see the editing team sitting at the editing booth saying, “Let’s try a circle dissolve! Yeah!”
Dave: Yeah, Leigh pointed those dissolves out to me, too, and it did make me think they had some fun behind the scenes and that made me cut the film some slack.
Sabrina: I’m glad you two appreciated the cinematography if nothing else.
Leigh: Honestly, I really didn’t like that they made Nick a dad. I think all the nonsense of those characters should mean little kids aren’t involved, which means I’m showing my age maybe?
Dave: There was one scene that was creepy. They have poor Sophie talking to Mr. Sterling about something I believe at the gala and she says to him, “The heart wants what it wants.” That’s the line Woody Allen line used to excuse himself from marrying his wife Mia Farrow’s daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, in real life! Ewwwww! And then we find out (SPOILER ALERT) that Sophie is Mr. Sterling’s daughter!!!! Ewwwww²!!! Too Soon-Yi!
Leigh: FYI, Sophie has a pretty big apartment for living in London temporarily.
Sabrina: Great points all around, Dave and Leigh. She could be renting a room if she really was so tight on cash!
As Nick and Sophie attempt to hack into the server holding Sterling’s codes, they dress up as Santas to go to some British version of Santacon, where they end up pretending to make out as Santas in a stairwell before quickly splitting apart so Sophie could pick the lock, which she learned from her magician-slash-locksmith grandfather. What did you two think of the chemistry between Nick and Sophie?
Leigh: Oh, yeah! We need to talk about the department store Santa! Poor guy and his gray, ashen suit.
Dave: Yeah, Leigh had me giggling at the dime store Santa. He looked more like the guy on the cover of Aqualung than he did Santa Claus! No mom’s gonna let their kid sit on that disheveled dude’s lap.
Leigh: I commented early on while watching it that there was no chemistry between them. The scene where they are sitting in the broken North Pole Santa room and they just fell through the roof and Sophie reaches out to kiss Nick before she makes a run for it was so forced.
The department store Santa looked like a old rock-and-roller in a dingy suit.
Sabrina: You’d think a department store selling diamonds could afford a better Santa!
Leigh: I think Sterlings was supposed to represent Harrods.
Dave: Definitely Harrods. When I was a lad there actually was a big Harrods robbery that informed this plot sorta. Though that one also had a murder. This movie coulda used some killin’, come to think of it.
Sabrina: Post-Santacon, Nick reveals he never actually robbed Sterlings. Instead, he was framed, and so his family abandoned him for a life of crime that he didn’t even really pursue! I was disappointed by this reveal, as it seemed to articulate the movie’s logic that stealing from the rich is never really OK, unless it’s for a stem cell therapy for your mom. I think it’s OK to steal from the rich just because!
Leigh: Agreed, Sabrina. Something pretty tragic about how his wife didn’t believe him.
Sabrina: Yeah Leigh, that was really sad. This movie had several truly dark moments, like the one you pointed out Dave, that felt jarring amid all the dressing up as Santas and wearing bizarre heist outfits.
Leigh: And was Sophie working at Sterlings in order to be close to her dad? To maybe reconcile or was it always about revenge?
Sabrina: That’s a good point, it feels very traumatic to work at a department store owned by your father who rejected you and your mom, especially when you are an amazing pickpocket who doesn’t really need to have a job. I wonder if Sophie’s magician grandfather was on her mom or dad’s side.
Leigh: Beyond her pickpocketing and lock-picking did she ever show us a magic trick? Can’t remember.
Sabrina: I think she did a coin disappearing trick in a diner, but it was really underwhelming and I wasn’t sure if it was proper magic.
Luckily for us, the pair’s next strategy is for Nick to seduce Cynthia and steal the fob from her home, which meant we would get to see more Lucy Punch, and that the movie could actually be funny again. Nick manages to get an invite back to Cynthia’s place, where Cynthia reveals that she’s on to him and Sophie and that she wants in on the heist, too. This was fun! I liked this reveal. So then we dive into the final heist of the movie, where Nick and Sophie break into Sterling’s vault. To do this, they apparently need to dress up in striped outfits like old-timey burglers and wear geometric red backpacks.
Leigh: The geometric red backpacks, was that a product placement thing?
Sabrina: Like if Beats by Dre made a backpack. How did those backpacks not look suspicious?
Leigh: Those backpacks remind me of those big Tesla trucks. Cybertruck. Lucy Punch calls Nick a “pretty idiot” which is so generous of her.
Also, do we ever get clarity of whether Sophie is American or British? I think they say earlier that she was born in England.
Dave: She says she grew up in Philly after Mr. Sterling abandoned her mom when she was a baby. Do you guys not remember that? Maybe I made it up. 'Til now I thought I retained only fluids!
Sabrina: Once Sophie and Nick sneak their way to Mr. Sterling’s safe and unlock it using the codes from Cynthia’s key fob, the safe demands a DNA sample. This is when it’s revealed that Sophie is Sterling’s daughter, and her DNA is a match for the safe. This felt like the least logical part of the movie to me. If a safe is sensitive enough to unlock using only someone’s DNA, shouldn’t it be DNA specific to one person? If I had a bunch of priceless treasures in a vault, I would not want my idiot children or estranged cousins unlocking it willy-nilly.
Leigh: Excellent point, Sabrina. Yeah that DNA lock is worthless if it also lets in all your loser relatives.
Oh, and Sophie’s second job! At the pub! Where again, she plays it like she’s worked there for 10 years.
Dave: That is a very good question, Sabrina. Though I don’t think the security system shown in this movie would really withstand a rigorous fact-check! And, just as I confessed earlier to being guilty of stealing pie, I gotta say here: I kinda liked using the DNA lock scene as the big reveal that Sterling is Sophie’s deadbeat dad! If falling for that makes me a sap, I’m a sap!
I have a question: Before heist night, she leaves an envelope with her pub pal in case things go bad doing crimes. What do we think was in there? We never find out!!!
Sabrina: Oh I assumed it was her pay? That she doesn’t need anymore because Cynthia promised to set her up for life after the heist?
Leigh: I think I might have trouble with fractions but what deal did they strike with Cynthia? She just paid them a bunch of money or were they splitting something or what? I ask because when Nick and Sophie were in the broken Santa house and Sophie says she’ll sacrifice herself (cause Nick’s a dad) she said “give my half to my mom”.
Dave: Yeah, what’s the math? Everybody got rich at the end.
Sabrina: We’re simply asking: Reveal the sums!
Leigh: Shout out too, to the scene-stealing woman who works for the security company who doesn’t buy into Sophie’s “poor little rich girl” routine at all.
Sabrina: Everyone was stealing scenes except for the two literal thieves. Disappointing!
The movie ends very anticlimactically, where the ultimate heist is not a heist at all; Sophie and Nick placed necklaces that Sterling fraudulently reported missing for insurance fraud, and so the police take him away and Sophie gets to flip him off as he sits in the cop car. It is unclear if he knows who she is, however, and if he is ruing the fact that he tried to hit on his daughter or if he is just sad about going to prison. And Sophie and Nick can finally kiss, now that they no longer have to turn to a life of crime and have an unspecified sum of money from Cynthia, who’s taken over all of Mr. Sterling’s assets. And also Nick can spend time with his child again now that his ex is no longer convinced that he did not steal.
Leigh: The holiday meal at the end showing that mom survived and has hair again was stolen straight out of About a Boy.
Sabrina: And that’s the power of capitalism, where you can skip the line for experimental stem cell therapy if you’ve got a windfall.
Dave: Stem cells must be boss as hell if she was good to go by Christmas dinner!
Leigh: I think it might have said “a year later” or something.
Dave: Oh. Never mind. Still: Color me pro stem cells.
Leigh: I’m wrong. It didn’t indicate time passed. But Nick hugs Sophie’s mom and Ralph the roommate is there along with the pub boss lady.
Sabrina: Maybe your hair grows back really fast with the power of stem cell therapy.
Leigh: “With the power of stem cell therapy” and Christmas magic!
Sabrina: I have one final question for both of you. Do you think there are ham trucks in England?
Dave: No. Ham trucks are boss. England is ass.
Leigh: I dig ham, particularly if it’s fried.
