Welcome to the Defector College Football Watch Guide, where Israel Daramola and Ray Ratto will tell you which of the weekend’s college football games are worth giving a crap about.
Ray: With all the braying about the blessed return of football games this past week, all by people who should be constantly monitored for their protection and ours, we note that while there were many games there was only some football. So far this season, ranked teams have beaten unranked teams by an aggregate score of 1,085-241, which is an average score of 45-10. (We are omitting the Mississippi-Louisville game since both teams were ranked and therefore treated the opener like the event it should be.) All the ranked teams won, with the neon green asterisk being Michigan.
Now we will ignore the elephantine questions of who got fired at Kalshi after paying out on Western Michigan bets, and who is the guiltiest party in the swindling of those deeply screwed Kalamazoomers. It has been six days since the discovery of the Big Ten's Mystery Clock, and in a culture like college football's, where cheating can be the difference between the Bluebonnet and Peach Bowls, most outrages this obvious barely last three days, let alone six. Instead, we will note that three games last weekend were delayed by the bestial weather and a fourth, between the Colorado School of Mines Orediggers and Washburn Ichabods, became the first tie game in 31 years because even after starting the game early to avoid a heat index figure straight from Satan's colon, the two schools went into overtime and couldn't finish. And really, can you pick a favorite between Orediggers and Ichabods? Anyway, let the sad tales commence.
Israel: Cheating and lying and making things up as they go along is a fundamental part of this sport. It just is. That doesn't make Michigan's win any less suspect, or the ensuing on-field celebration any less embarrassing. It just means that we all have to sit in it. And while I don't expect the MAC's appeal to amount to much, it is also part of this sport for them to try.
College football is full of pretending things that happened didn't happen. Pretending national titles that exist don't exist. There is no "truth" in this sport, but the madness is ultimately the point. It's part of the pageantry and the camp of it, down to the Big Ten with its airport horror novel font for its justification of what took place last weekend. Everyone knows this is silly, but it can only be silly in this sport.
And now onto the games; the rankings in parentheses are from ESPN.
Rutgers at Boston College — Friday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN2
Fresh off double-digit losses to UMass and Cincinnati, these two non-archrivals renew a series of convenience with a game that by all accounts should start and end on time. There are no other parameters to apply here except that the only other game you might be keen to see at this hour is Missouri at Kansas, and you're probably pretty meh about that one, too. Tell you what? Go to a movie. Go out on a date. Go hang out in front of an abandoned mall with a toothpick in your mouth. You're not going to miss much, except that the losing coach here will be four steps closer to getting fired. — Ray
(23) Missouri at Kansas — Friday, 8:00 p.m. ET on Fox
This September 11, celebrate the resilience of America in the face of terrorism by watching Mizzou play Kansas in a game that at once could've been used to torture dissidents. Instead, it's two formerly awful programs suddenly bouncing back to relevance, or to just enough relevance that there are actual expectations of quality to be found. Make no mistake, these teams are pretty much on equal footing; being ranked 23 is like the participation trophy of these meaningless poll rankings. Either team has a good case for winning this game, and also standing in as a symbol of America's ability to dig itself out of the rubble. — Israel
Arizona State at (10) Texas A&M — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ABC
A&M has plans, big plans, and now that Texas Tech has supplanted it as the state's leading villain, the Aggies can pad some stats and wins before the Week 4 munitions plant explosion at Kyle Field against LSU. Nothing much was learned in the 50-0 win over Missouri State—505-67 in total yards, 35-4 in first downs—but ASU had a better week, ass-kicking-wise, beating Morgan State 70-7 and shortening the fourth quarter to 10 minutes as an act of human decency. That move makes the Mystery Clock seem like a good idea, provided it isn't used for evil. — Ray
(6) Oregon at Oklahoma State — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
People tut-tutted when Oregon struggled to beat Boise State, which is at least a dignified operation. They will turn those tuts into disparaging laughs if the Ducks cannot put a whippin' on OSU here. Oregon is graded not by victory but margin thereof, which is why all the clever football-knowers you have learned how to avoid at parties dismiss their championship pedigree. That's how, in an otherwise static week for results, they dropped four spots in the AP rankings and are now sixth, barely ahead of Miami and LSU. Oklahoma State's opening loss to Tulsa was not terribly upsetting except inside Stillwater's finest taverns, where new coach Eric Morris (ex-North Texas) is tidying up the mudslide that was the end of Mike Gundy's mostly successful tenure. This will take time, which is the one thing Dan Lanning doesn't have. — Ray
(11) Oklahoma at Michigan — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on Fox
All the pregame talk has been about how Michigan defied the laws of time last week, but even if that extra second really did exist outside Tony Petitti's fevered imagination, the Wolverines had no business getting past Western Michigan by any legitimate eye test, and as such the two schools were ranked next to each other in The Athletic's weekly "Let's Give Chris Vannini A Job He Might Quit Over" ranking of the 138 FBS teams. Oklahoma is light years better and willing to run up a number on a truly hapless opponent like UTEP, so this should be a decent early season rectal thermometer for both teams. Oklahoma needs to win comfortably, while Michigan needs to win just to get the stank of WMU off its clothes. And speaking of which... — Ray
Monmouth at Western Michigan — Saturday, 6:30 p.m. ET on ESPN+
Sorry, but we are breaking out of chronological order here because our WMU obsession is not yet system extant. We're only interested to see what kind of crowd they get by marketing the robbery that put them on the map. Monmouth is working out a new coach, Jeff Gallo, who replaced Kevin Callahan after 33 years in charge, a tenure that represents the entirety of Monmouth's football history. That's a double Tomlin, for you NFL junkies. But no pressure, Jeffy. — Ray
(16) Penn State at Temple — Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN2
Defector has a very strong Philly contingent, both in our newsroom and our readership, so I feel obligated to say TEMPLE CAN ABSOLUTELY WIN!
OK, I think they're gone now. Truthfully speaking, it is a concern when you have a QB that you don't want throwing more than absolutely necessary, and when your offense is dependent on run-blocking against a much bigger opponent. But football is all about the plays you make and when you make them, and you can't prove to me that those fightin' Owls won't make them against an OVERRATED Penn State.
OK, I think we're good again. Penn State might be overrated, but you're asking a lot to think Temple can be the team to expose them. BUT THAT'S WHY WE PLAY THE GAMES, AMIRITE? WHOO! — Israel
Western Kentucky at (2) Georgia — Saturday, 12:45 p.m. ET on SEC Network
Sorry, to read this blurb, you must subscribe to our Georgia Defector channel for an additional $20 per post. That's payable to the Georgia Football Automotive Crime Bail Fund in Athens. Again, we apologize for this inconvenience. — Israel
Rice at (3) Notre Dame — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on NBC
Mauling Wisconsin isn't the accomplishment it once was, and mauling Rice has rarely been seen as such, but Notre Dame did not look sharp in the first half against the Badgers and will be expected to put up a number against an Owls team that went untested by Houston Christian, which is formerly Houston Baptist and still seeking that elusive 31st official win in school history after 127 tries. Then again, Rice can't be terribly particular about opponents given that it hasn't had a winning record since 2014. This despite going to three bowl games in the past four years. They must travel well. — Ray
(12) Alabama at Kentucky — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC
This isn't Mark Stoops's Kentucky anymore. This is a better (allegedly) vision of Kentucky football for once, which means that this is no longer an automatic W for the Crimson Tide. The question, though, is whether Alabama knows that. Even in the DeBoer era, Bama knows how to get up for the schools it sees as a threat, but they have a tendency to overlook teams they don't take seriously. In that sense, and maybe only that one, it's as if the program is still in the Saban era. Keelon Russell showed some real skill last week, and if he's able to do his thing against Kentucky's defense, that will make all the difference. But if this game is tight in the fourth, it will be because Will Stein really has changed the culture at Kentucky, and also because Bama is still a sucker for teams it doesn't see coming. — Israel
Duke at Illinois — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on FS1
If you gamble on this game, a care team should be sent to your home for a wellness check. A battle of QB names between Walker Eget and Katin Houser. These are the kinds of names you get in a Mike Schur comedy. I cannot implore you more strongly to spend time with your family and friends if you feel even the slightest urge to check in on this one. — Israel
Cal at Syracuse — Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ACC Network
A classic ACC matchup: Syracuse and California. Coastal elitism deserves its own rivalry. Cal looked good last week, and if a few things had gone their way they might've stolen that game against UCLA. Syracuse is a much easier opponent to get your arms around, provided you don't take them lightly. And frankly Cal, you haven't earned that right yet, ACC newbie! — Israel
Halftime:
Memphis at Boise State — Saturday, 6:00 p.m. ET on USA Net
Memphis is already an early darling of the football season. They're well coached and play tough, and they are going against a Boise State team that certainly looked frisky last weekend. And though the Broncos no longer have an Ashton Jeanty, they do have a Dylan Riley, who is at least comparable. The oddsmakers now love this team after they pushed Oregon to the edge, but Memphis is not a trifle. They will make this Boise team earn every bit of what they get. — Israel
(18) Tennessee at Georgia Tech — Saturday, 7:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
Georgia Tech is really missing the power and force of Haynes King. They looked limp and sloppy against Colorado, and having to turn around and play Tennessee after such a dramatic loss feels like it will only add to the misery. Its not as if Tech had more of a shot to win even with King, but you need some kind of juice to have a chance in a game like this, and unfortunately Tech looks pretty juiceless right about now. We keep waiting to see if Tennessee will finally have the year where they put it all together, and while I don't expect it to happen this season, part of making it happen is emphatically winning when you're supposed to win. The Volunteers can do themselves a favor with an big victory here. — Israel
Southern Utah at Colorado State — Saturday, 7:00 p.m. ET on CBSSN
Colorado State got good a lot faster and a lot more convincingly than Colorado did. And they look pretty damn good! I am pretty amused by that turn of events. — Israel
San Diego State at UCLA — Saturday, 7:15 p.m. ET on Big Ten Network
Has Bob Chesney raised the dead? Is there such a thing as a "fired athletic director bounce," and how high does it go? UCLA throttled Cal last week in considerable part because of running back Anthony Woods, but an argument can be made that San Diego State is a tougher opponent, what with being the pride of the Pac-12 after one week. Week 2 is when teams either enhance or erase first impressions, and this should be a sterner test for the rebuilding-throughout-the-building Bruins. With a little momentum, people might forget that the program has been flirting with bankruptcy for years. — Ray
Louisiana Tech at (8) LSU — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on SEC Network
Just a check to see how people feel about LSU and Lane Kiffin. Still universal hatred? Still an urge for the SEC to boot them into the Sun Belt? Still can't root hard enough for them to lose every week even if they don't play their NFL guys? Check, check, and check again. Tough spot here for La. Tech, whose own fans probably stop short of hating the Bayou Bengals just out of state allegiance, but a representative showing by the Techsters after their first winning season since before COVID would be satisfactory. — Ray
(1) Ohio State at (4) Texas — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ABC
Whatever Comrade Daramola says about this game, we concur. Then again, the top-ranked team playing at the fourth-ranked team is pretty much the no-brainiest no-brainer in the history of no-brainery. This might be the national championship game before the National Championship Game, and someone's going to leave the field mightily pissed. Ohio State will not have access to the Big Ten Mystery Clock, though, which could mean the difference between who is the screwer and who is the screwee. The nation is still waiting for Arch Manning to dopeslap the Heisman Trophy, as was promised when he was born; if he's going to get within slapping distance of it, his showing here will likely be a big part of getting him there. This game should be scheduled for every year by law. — Ray
It'll be interesting to see how Sarkisian overthinks himself into a loss during this game. Or Maybe Julian Sayin's lollipop throws will balance the scales. — Israel
Iowa State at (21) Iowa — Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on NBC
That there isn't a 30-foot statue of Spencer Hall outside Kinnick Stadium just for giving this game its most enduring feature—that would be the nickname El Assico—speaks to the essential lack of humor found in the state. Matt Campbell is gone, off to Penn State where he can play Iowa pretty much whenever he wants. This is as opposed to when he was at Iowa State, where he could play Iowa whenever he wanted. Iowa's Kirk Ferentz is entering his 343rd year of keeping all teams, including his own, under three touchdowns. It doesn't matter. Spencer Hall is a room full of gods with a beard you could hide a tractor inside, and his nicknaming work gave this game a legitimacy beyond its borders that will endure forever. Or until late Saturday, depending on which team scores 13 and which one 10. — Ray
Southern Miss at Auburn — Saturday, 7:45 p.m. ET on SEC Network
If Auburn really wants to prove that they are not the same old Auburn, they will take care of business here quietly and quickly. If it's the start of the fourth quarter and they are only up one score or even tied, I will know that no hotshot coach can scheme their way out of the overwhelming power of Dat Auburn Bullshit. — Israel
Arkansas at (20) Utah — Saturday, 10:15 p.m. ET on ESPN
Utah lost their longtime coach but haven't really missed a beat yet. Meanwhile Arkansas and their QB K.J. Jackson did not dominate as much as they probably should have in Week 1. But that win over North Alabama was a move in the right direction after a rough season last year. Utah has the advantage here, but Jackson's performance will do a lot to dictate the direction of this game. — Israel
New Mexico State at Hawai'i — Saturday, 11:59 p.m. ET on something called MW+
Its Week 2 and Hawaii is already down bad at 0-2. It's not what we want for our boys, but maybe they just need a return to their comfort zone—midnight football on pirated streams. — Israel
Oh, and we almost forgot. Here's your Oberlin Minute:
The plucky Yeomen, whom we tried without success to lionize a year ago when they went winless and lost all 10 games by an average score of 51-5, started their new season last weekend with a 33-2 loss to Hiram—it's a liberal arts college, not just one guy—in which their only points came on a PAT return. But we still believe, much more than we ever did with UMass, and look what they did last week. In other words, we speak for the entire Defector diaspora, including all the people in the office who never read this stuff, when we say with what passes for total conviction, "Go Yeo." — Ray
