Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! I Want To Ride My Bicycle!

Time to ride my bike! FUCKING AY! BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE.

Let’s saddle up.

(puts on helmet)

I look like a Playmobil figurine with this thing on.

(puts on fingerless riding gloves)

Now that’s more like it. I could be a rhythm guitarist with these bad boys.

(tucks phone into fanny pack we got for free at a gymnastics meet)

Fanny packs were always my destiny. Time to mount my trusty steed.

(stumbles)

I’m a grown man. How am I so bad at this?

(picks up steam)

Now we’re cooking with gas, amigo.

(sees a dog approaching)

Oh god, don’t run over a dog.

(sees a double-wide stroller approaching)

Oh god, don’t run over a baby.

(hits a flat stretch of smooth, empty pavement)

Now this is a good spot to turn on the jets. HIGHER GEAR: ENGAGE!

(gets gearshifts mixed up and shifts down by accident, nearly falling over the handlebars)

Shit. I hope no one saw that.

(shifts back up)

POWER!

(stands up in the saddle, cranks the handlebars like they’re an arm cycle)

BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE.

BIKE!

I am a machine. I am fine tuned. My body is getting leaner and meaner. I could win the Tour de France if I felt like it, but I don’t.

(comes up on runner from behind)

DING DING! On your left. On your left! ON YOUR FUCKING LEFT GET THOSE AIRPODS OUT OF YOUR EARS FUCKO.

(the path merges briefly with the road)

Water time!

(grabs water bottle out of the cage)

AHHHH! So refreshing!

(has trouble reaching down to put the bottle back in the cage)

Shit.

(car passes by suddenly)

SHIT. Don’t hit me, car! I have a family!

(comes up on old couple from behind)

DING DING!

(they quickly move to the right)

See now, Fred and Mildred here know what’s up.

(gets passed by a different cyclist)

Oh I’ll make him pay for that disrespect.

(looks down at my legs, which have grown slightly more toned this past month)

I bet a look like a dork out here... but a dork that FUCKS!

(sees a steep grade approaching)

Okay Drew, time to do battle.

(shifts down)

Still too hard.

(shifts all the way down, stands up)

Oh, god. So hard. Energy … depleting. Rapidly. NO! No, I will not surrender. I will never surrender. I will tame this goddamn hill no matter what I do. You've got this, Drew. YOU HAVE GOT THIS.

(other people pass by from the other direction as my bike slows down to 1 mph)

You've still got this. You're good, Drew. You're all right.

(eventually reaches the top)

I FUCKING DID IT. I AM KING OF THE MOUNTAIN. BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE.

(leans back and rockets down the hill)

WHEE! Rollercoastah… of loo-ooove. Rollercoastah… do-doooo dooo do!

(rides straight through puddle with my feet sticking up)

DOUBLE WHEE!

(mud still spatters all over my legs)

I am Iron Man.

(my bike leaves a thin trail of wet pavement behind me)

Nice.

My ass hurts. Maybe I should buy a seat cover. One of those ones that feels like a stress ball.

(hits a sharp curve, leans the bike into the curve)

I am a motorcycle.

(looks around, smiles)

God, what a beautiful day. BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE.

(an image pops into my head)

NOT NOW, WORLD. YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF.

(rock my body back and forth like I’m trying to overflow a tub, in order to pick up speed; picks up speed)

I’mmmm yourrrrrr turbooooo lovah!!!!

(comes a little too close to the broken pavement on the edge of the bike path; if I hit it wrong, I might be in deep shit)

Steady, boy. Don’t die. You're in control.

(manages to stay on the path, stands back up to go faster)

I’m gonna mean-mug while I’m riding, just to do it. Bad. ASS.

(rides over a foot bridge)

I love bridges.

(passes by a playground where my kids used to play when they were little)

Awwwww.

(passes through a dark section of woods)

Someone could murder me here and get away with it.

(emerges out of the woods and sees a field)

(comes to a road crossing)

I’ve been on here a while. Maybe I should turn around and head home. I’ve ridden enough. It’s probably time to stop, maybe go home and make some lunch.

But fuck that. I don’t wanna stop. Ever. I want bike.

BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE.

I don’t know why I don’t want to stop, but does it matter why? It doesn’t. All that matters is that I go. I could ride this bike for a million hours. I could bike to California. I could trek down the entire East Coast. I could fly over to Europe and bike straight across it. I don’t have to sleep. I don’t have to eat. I don’t have to do anything except ride, and no one can stop me. I have no obligation to the past or the future here. All I have to do is keep pedaling.

(the light changes)

Let’s keep going. Let’s see what’s around that next bend.