Because I have a normal inner life and a healthy relationship to sports, after watching the Yankees lose Game 2 of the ALDS Monday night, I went to sleep and immediately had a dream in which I was watching the Yankees lose Game 2 of the ALDS. But something was weird about this dream game: It was the exact same as the real game, and I knew the outcome of every pitch and every at-bat before it happened. What if I was cursed to forever watch the Royals bloop and dink their way to victory, over and over and over?
I woke up, thankfully, but the hypothetical stuck with me until there was only way to forget about it: turn it into a blog.
You are stuck in a 24-hour, Groundhog Day–style time loop, that resets upon the completion of a given sporting event. You retain all your memories from each loop; no one else does. The only way to escape the loop is to reverse the outcome of the game. You are not allowed to use violence, or the threat of violence. This means you can't call in a bomb threat, you can't extort them, and you can't hit the other team's star player over the head with a wrench. How are you making sure your team wins?
My first instinct is to disrupt play at the exact right moment—buy a ticket and run on the field just before the crucial, game-swinging moment happens. There are some issues with this plan. First, most games don't come down to a single play. If my basketball team gets blown out by 20, maybe I can thwart an opponent's three, but I'm getting kicked out of the building after that and it isn't changing the outcome. My odds are better with a relatively low-event baseball or hockey game, though I don't care for my chances to be able to clamber over the glass at the latter. (With the time loop, I can work on my upper-body strength.) Second, there's no guarantee that even if I stop play, things will play out differently when it resumes. Maybe that guy who was going to hit the RBI double still hits it. Maybe he homers! Maybe, by trying to change things, I make them worse! Imagine the most boring Twilight Zone episode ever, in which Cole Ragans goes seven strong.
Another, seemingly foolproof option is to use the knowledge gained in the time loop against the winning team: I know every play they're going to call, every pitch they're going to throw. But how do I put this into action? How do I locate, accost, and befriend the losing team's coach in just one day, and convince them that I know everything that's going to happen? Won't they think I'm crazy? Even if I'm somehow able to finagle my way into the coach's ear and alter the game plan, won't the other team's decisions necessarily change based on the early results? Sure, maybe my guys hit a lead-off home run on that first-pitch four-seamer, but won't he stop throwing it? When he gets yanked, all my time-loop studying becomes for naught.
Lauren says I should use the time loop to seduce the opposing star player and convince them to throw the game. I'm not sure I could successfully accomplish that even given infinite chances.
This is a real conundrum. How are you escaping the time loop?
