Some people are fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Cincinnati Bengals.
If you ain't spittin', you ain’t winnin'!
Your 2025 record: 6-11. You can look at the Bengals record from any season this decade and easily discern the ones in which Joe Burrow got hurt. 2025 was one such season. Soft-ass Burrow suffered a nasty case of turf toe in a Week 2 win over Jacksonville, and the season was lost from there. And you might be saying to me, "But Drew, turf toe is actually a really serious injury despite its relatively benign name." Nope. Not buying it. Put a Snoopy band-aid on that shit and get back out there, Joe. This is the National Football League, you sorry baby.
Anyway, the 2025 Bengals did not properly accommodate for the possibility that Burrow might get hurt, even though he gets injured enough to make Robert Griffin III wince. So when they sent backup QB Jake Browning out onto the field in Week 3 against Minnesota, they were doomed from the start. The Vikings, no one's idea of a juggernaut, destroyed Cincinnati, with CB Isaiah Rodgers returning a pick 87 yards for a TD and then, not yet satisfied, returning a fumble recovery 66 yards for a TD. It was, analytically speaking, the greatest game a cornerback could possibly have.
It was a fluke, of course. Isaiah Rodgers is just a guy. But against the Bengals, any old guy can become a god. Like Denver QB Bo Nix, who posted over 300 yards passing in a 28-3 beatdown where the Broncos out-gained the Bengals 512-129. After that, the Bengals were crushed at home by Detroit, in a game where the Lions got to pretend like Ben Johnson was still calling plays for them. David Montgomery ran and threw for a touchdown in that one. Sick of watching Browning shit his pants out there, Bengals shadow GM Duke Tobin swung a midseason trade for QB Joe Flacco to make these Bengals look more respectable, which they did the following week in Green Bay. They still lost that game anyway.
They would go on to lose in much louder fashion with Flacco at the helm. Here they are blowing a 38-24 fourth quarter lead to the then 0-7 Jets, with New York RB Breece Hall throwing the winning touchdown pass! Hall even got a pump fake in for good measure. The very next week, Flacco staged a miraculous fourth quarter comeback of his own against Chicago. Down 41-27 with less than two minutes left, Flacco threw two touchdown passes—plus a two-point conversion pass!—to give Cincinnati the lead with just :54 left to play. And then this happened.
Cincinnati had the second worst yardage defense in football last season. According to the FTN almanac, its DVOA at midseason ranked as the worst defense ever, and man did it show. The Bengals were crushed by a Pittsburgh team that didn’t even have Aaron Rodgers for the whole game. They blew a 10-0 lead to New England in a game where half the Pats' O-line was out with injuries. At 3-8, they brought Joey Toejam back for a Thanksgiving win against the Ravens and it was enough to make you, a stupid person, think these Bengals might be able to stage a late playoff push. One week later, Christian Benford and the Bills put that idea to rest. This pick-six off Burrow represents one of nine defensive TDs Cincinnati gave up late season. Nine! Even the Browns are in awe.
Speaking of Cleveland, they finished off Cincinnati in Week 18 with Shedeur Sanders leading the game-winning TD drive at the very end. Myles Garrett also broke the single-season sack record in that game. Pathetic. Who's responsible for this flaming shitwreck?
Your coach: Only two years left to go!
Any other franchise would have fired Zac Taylor five minutes into his tenure. But because the Bengals are cheaper than Spencer's Gifts, they're gonna let Taylor coach out the entirety of his contract. You, the poor Bengals fan, can only stand by and etch hatch marks into the wall of your spiritual prison cell to count down the time until you're free at last. That's when Lane Kiffin will come to town.
Al Golden, the mastermind who oversaw Cincinnati's historically awful defensive unit last season, is also still here. Never invite any of these people over to your house for cocktails. You'll be trapped with them forever.
Your quarterback: Joe Burrow, who absolutely can't wait to be an L.A. Ram two years from now. Let's see how our hero is celebrating his impending move!
Burrow said he's been in Los Angeles a fair amount, and, "doing a lot of Legos." (He has a wide array of hobbies.) "I was excited about the new Pokémon collab [Legos] did," he added, but "I haven't dove into those yet. I have them sitting at home for when things start to calm down a little bit."
I too have a wide array of hobbies, including eating paste and pointing at dogs when they walk by me. It's been five years since Burrow took this team to the Super Bowl, and you and I both know that represents the apex of his time in the Queen City. He'll never win a title with the Bengals. Shit, he probably won't even win a title with Sean McVay because he'll be out for the season with a split end. Good thing he has a full set of artisan Duplo blocks at home to bide his time in recovery.
The embalmed version of Joe Flacco that played for the Bengals last year was their second-best quarterback in the last 15 years. He'll be QB2 again. Immortal Guy Josh Johnson is the emergency sub. Expect many more 47-42 barnburners that end in tragic yet comical fashion.
What's new that sucks: Would you believe that owner Mike Brown actually signed off on this team doing shit to fix their defense during the offseason? I'm as blown away as you are, trust me. To that end, the Bengals traded away their 10th overall pick in a weak draft this spring for Giants all-world DT Dexter Lawrence, who fell off a bit last season but is still more imposing than Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson ever was. They also splurged (relative term) in free agency to bring in EDGE Boye Mafe, DT Jonathan Allen, and safeties Bryan Cook and Kyle Dugger. Now, will these moves make up for the combined loss of EDGE Trey Hendrickson, DE Joseph Ossai, S Geno Stone, and CBs Cam Taylor-Britt and Marco Wilson? Probably not, but that's a Bengals problem. I'm just excited to watch Red Zone Channel peek in on this defense when it blows a three-touchdown lead for the ninth week in a row.
One of their tight ends was just hit by a truck.
What has always sucked: What is it about this franchise that makes its players act like complete and utter shitbags on the field?
"I want to personally apologize to everyone within the Pittsburgh Steelers organization. I let my emotions in the moment get the better of me. I can only hope and trust you know none of it represents who I am—not as a competitor, teammate, or person."
No Ja'Marr Chase, I'm pretty sure that loogie perfectly represents who you are as a person. You're one of the best in the league at your position, but Vontaze Burfict probably could have made the same claim once upon a time. Even if the Bengals find their way back into the playoffs this season, I fully expect Chase—or Sexy Dexy, or WR Tee Higgins, or CB Dax Hill, or some other asshole—to submarine their chances by biting an opponent's pinky finger off.
When you're as cheap an organization as the Bengals, that cheapness manifests itself right there on the field in the form of spitting, shoving, targeting, and commanding God to strike Damar Hamlin dead on the spot (I can prove it). This is a two-bit operation in a two-bit city, and it'll never amount to anything. When Burrow finally gets out of here, he's gonna build a Lego statue of Nelson Mandela to celebrate.
Duke Tobin will be in charge of this roster until the moon crashes into the Earth.
What might not suck: Your schedule is a joke. Of course, the rest of AFC North sees you guys twice on their own schedules and thinks along similar lines.
HEAR IT FROM BENGALS FANS!
Ryan:
No team has worked this hard to alienate and piss off its fanbase five seasons removed from its last Super Bowl appearance.
Brian:
Mike Brown actually spent money and did things for the first time ever! There will still be a city wide parade the day he croaks.
Drew is too cowardly to do the Bengals preview the last few years! Fuck you!
John:
The goddamn Indiana Hoosiers football team won a national title and had a #1 draft pick QB before the Bengals won a Super Bowl.
Vivek Ramaswamy is going to be Ohio's governor soon.
Alex:
Bengals fans all learned how to read by staring at anti-abortion billboards.
Joe Burrow will play 12 games this year, maximum. Zac Taylor will only be a good coach in the first three quarters of any given game. The Bengals will wait until Week 4 to play like a real football team. DJ Turner will be a borderline All Pro, only to walk away after this year to a real defense. Dexter Lawrence will get yelled at for not getting 15.5 sacks even though absorbing double teams is exactly his job.
Oh by the way, the day the Dexter Lawrence trade happened, our GM spent that day at the University of Dayton bragging to college kids that the move was about to take place. I was told secondhand by a kid at a bar I work at that Duke Tobin told him, "So what do you guys think of Dexter Lawrence?" He may as well have said "How do you do, fellow kids? A high profile transaction is about to take place! Now can someone teach me what 'sliding into DMs' means?"
Andy:
My family has Spanish roots but we've lived in Cincinnati my entire life. We got infinitely more joy out of their World Cup win than anything the Bengals have produced in my 40 years of life on this shithole planet.
Austin:
It's incredible that professional ball-knowers take the Steelers more seriously as an organization than the Bengals at this point. Even more incredible that they're right to do it.
Wyatt:
This season starts with an even-numbered year, so Burrow will stay healthy, win his third Comeback Player of the Year, thereby ensuring we're stuck with Zac Taylor for another seven years.
The defense should be much-improved, as long as you don't think linebackers are at all important and also think you only need one competent safety.
Will:
Perhaps the strongest counterargument to "the Bengals fixed their defense" is this list of quarterbacks the Bengals have lost to since 2021:
Andy Dalton, 2021
Mike White, 2021
Mitchell Trubisky, 2022
Cooper Rush, 2022
Jacoby Brissett, 2022 and 2024
Deshaun Watson, 2023
Russell Wilson, 2024
Shedeur Sanders, 2025
Good or bad defense, we will always find a way to lose. And to anyone who retorts that, "Burrow just needs to stay healthy" I will note that he started in each of these games.
At our core, we are the Peter Principle of football teams. We arrived at the Super Bowl the way someone becomes British Prime Minister: dumb luck followed by a conclusive kick in the ass.
Fuck Cris Collinsworth with a $120 PFF+ subscription.
Andy:
I was at two games last year: one against your team and one against the Bears. I got to see them absorb the worst loss in their history to a 9-8 team led by Carson Wentz, gleefully handing the ball to the Vikings at will. I also got to see them make an absurd comeback after the stadium had mostly emptied out, only to have their defense roll out the red carpet once again. The Bengals are versatile in a way that they get their asses handed to them by a mediocre team (see also 20+ point losses to Baltimore and Pittsburgh), disappoint you after hanging tough against decent teams (Bears and Bills), or giving up over 500 yards in letting a trash team like the Jets get their first win (in the Nasty 'Nati no less).
We're all pumped that they have an easy schedule this year and that they've supposedly fixed the defense, but we know they'll find a way to lose to some shit teams, leaving them short of the playoffs once again.
Paul Brown was a genius and all of his offspring have the creativity and spending habits of an Applebee's aficionado. In fact, the Brown family is the best argument for taxing the shit out of the inheritances of the ultra-wealthy.
Kenneth:
This fandom, a truly abysmal gift from my father, has left me jaded. I have seen this movie before. I know how it ends. What's most troubling though, is that as I've gotten older, the fear has begun to creep in. Was the '21-'22 run was as good as it will ever get? Will I see the Bengals win it all in my lifetime? What's the point of doing this to myself year in and year out? Is this what I want for MY children? Should football provoke existential questions? Probably not. Who Dey.
Chris:
This team has spent many seasons breaking Joe Burrow's body, I'm convinced this year is when they break his brain. Any enjoyment I used to get from watching him play has been wholly replaced with dread for what will happen to him THIS season.
Andrew:
For the last ten years, I've helped organize a weekly Bengals meetup in a big West Coast city. This comes with perks like making lifelong friends. But it also comes with drawbacks, like waking up at 8 a.m. on a Sunday to watch Jeff Driskel launch the football into his dick and balls for three hours.
Joe Burrow is a top-five quarterback when he plays, which is like saying JFK was a great president in 1964. Burrow's Super Bowl legacy will be getting his face shoved into the turf by Aaron Donald instead of launching one to Ja'Marr, ensuring that another generational Bengals wideout spends his career ringless.
The sad part is that I was born in California. I married into this overnight oats–ass franchise. My continued Bengals fandom is a small yet critical load-bearing pillar of my relationship. So I'm on the hook to watch Paul Brown's great-great-great-great-great grandchild lowball JJJJ Watt in 2055.
Fuck Joey Porter and fuck Antonio Brown but SUPER MEGA fuck Vontaze Burfict.
Sam:
I got married last summer. It was the most wonderful weekend of my life, apart from a moment during the rehearsal dinner when my blood ran absolutely cold. My mom stood up to give a speech, during which she gave my soon-to-be bride a "Welcome to the family" gift basket (very sweet!) which included, among other things, a Bengals jersey.
You see, my wife is a huge football fan, but hails from southeastern Washington, far enough away from Seattle that she never really identified with the Seahawks and remained unaffiliated as an NFL fan. Until we started dating, that is, right before the Bengals' run to the Super Bowl in 2021, making this poor woman a brand new fan of my Cincinnati Bungles. And when we signed the marriage license that night hours after my mom gifted her that jersey, she became legally bound to that pile-of-dogshit team.
The Seahawks won the Super Bowl six months later. She should've stayed home and married a nice Seattle boy.
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