Why Your Team Sucks 2025: Washington Commanders

Some people are fans of the Washington Commanders. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Commanders. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Washington Commanders, and just when you and I were ready to leave all of the name discourse behind…

"I may put a restriction on them that if they don't change the name back to the original 'Washington Redskins,' and get rid of the ridiculous moniker, 'Washington Commanders,' I won't make a deal for them to build a Stadium in Washington," Trump said on his social media site.

Five months from now, we'll all wake up to see Ian Rapoport tweeting "Officially official" above an announcement that the name has been changed back. We can’t even be free from the simplest bullshit.

(Special mention to the people out there who still refer to this franchise as just Washington, or as the WFT. What do you assholes think you’re accomplishing here?)

Your 2024 record: A 12-5 return to glory, 20 years after everyone had already fled the party. And yes, I can be all “AHAHAHAHA DAN SNYDER” because his team became good again two seconds after he fled the premises. But the joke’s on me because, as we speak, Snyder is still alive and still grossly wealthy instead of being in a prison cell somewhere, tasting billy club. Meanwhile, his successor has to kiss President Heart Failure’s swollen feet so he can get a new stadium. This is all just a new flavor of fucked. I wish I was dead.

OK, we’ve got that part out of the way, so let’s talk football now. No one expected the Commanders to be this good, this quickly (or at all, really). But thanks to a gifted rookie, a schedule that was soft as cotton, and the brainpower of Tyrique Stevenson, HEY PRESTO! Washington is suddenly a football town again. Even the National Guard can’t wait to see what this team has planned for an encore.

Well here’s a spoiler for them, and for you: What comes next is ... REGRESSION. You need only look closely at the 2024 results to see it coming. Washington started last year getting frog-stomped in Tampa, with Baker Mayfield racking up four TD passes in a 17-point win. A four-game win streak against dogshit teams ensued, only for Baltimore to triple them up in rushing yards in a mid-October reality check. The schedule maker served up three more cupcakes after that, although the Commanders needed the longest Hail Mary pass I’ve ever seen just to beat a Chicago outfit that was already perched on the rim of the toilet. The analytics were unimpressed. In fact, Washington only beat one winning team all season when they edged Philadelphia at home. A lot of this team’s wins last season fell in the “edged out” bucket. If Matt Eberflus had more brains than hair, we’d be having a different conversation about these Commanders right now.

The losses were more telling. A three-game skid in November included Pittsburgh beating these guys on a fourth-quarter touchdown pass from Russell Wilson to Mike Williams. Russell Wilson is about to lose his starting gig to someone legally named Jaxson. Mike Williams retired a couple months ago when he realized that he sucks. The Commanders then gave up 20 unanswered fourth-quarter points to Philadelphia in a loss, and lost at home to a Prescott-free Dallas because their kicker blew the PAT in the final minute.

This is why no one thought much of Washington when they entered the playoffs as a six seed. Even when they edged out Tampa Bay—there’s that edging again—in the Wild Card round, there was no buzz. If the Commanders really wanted credibility, they’d have to beat a 15-2 Detroit juggernaut, in Detroit, in the next round.

And so they did, forcing four turnovers out of Lions QB Jared Goff and scoring four touchdowns in the second quarter alone. That game, that one game, was the game that made everyone finally take notice. Never mind that every Lions defender was out with knee cancer for that game, and never mind that the Lions are the Lions. The Commanders were heading to their first NFC title game in over 30 years. Maybe they were ready to become a dynasty all over again. Maybe, with the stench of Snyder dissipating, this team could beat the Eagles in Philly. Maybe they could even win the Super Bowl, to restore Washington’s rightful place in the football hierarchy.

Here’s what happened on the Eagles’ first play from scrimmage:

The final score was 55-23. Your season was a lie. Credit to LB Frankie Luvu for playing suicide pilot on every tush push, though. The refs nearly awarded Philadelphia a touchdown during that sequence. Frankly, I was kinda rooting for them do it. A game this boring needed all of the nerdy rule shit it could get.

Your coach: Dan Quinn, who shook off the ghosts of 28-3 merely by turning his hat backwards. Kyle Shanahan should take note. Every game, you will see Quinn over on the sideline in a breakdown stance, with his hands on his knees. That shot will, inevitably, be accompanied by the color guy using the word “culture” a dozen times within six seconds. We get it. The coach thinks he’s a linebacker. Let’s all calm down.

Your offensive coordinator is still Kliff Kingsbury, who finally realized that you have to change up your scheme during the season if you don’t want opposing teams to figure out what you’re doing. Real fast on the uptick, this one. He’ll be a failed head coach again two years from now.

Your quarterback: Rookie of the Year Jayden Daniels, who’s the best QB prospect this team has had since—

Don’t say his name.

Don’t talk about what happened to him.

Don’t talk about what a fucking weirdo he is.

DON’T TALK ABOUT KNEES. EVERY TIME YOU TALK ABOUT KNEES, THE PRESIDENT WILL HAVE A HOMELESS PERSON KILLED.

So, what can we expect out of RG4 his sophomore year?

You piece of shit.

Expect more running! Daniels led this team in rushing a year ago, scrambling from the pocket more than any other passer in the league. Meanwhile, Commanders brass just shipped the team’s leading running back from 2024 to San Francisco. So not only is Daniels still this team’s best running threat, he’s now their only running threat. If you want to pretend it’s still 2022, you can tell me that RB Austin Ekeler is still a danger out of the backfield. Alas, I own a calendar. Your mind tricks won’t work on me. So I am well prepared to spend the next decade and change getting WYTS emails from Commanders fans, all of them crying about how tragic it was that Jayden Daniels's body completely broke down after that one incredible rookie season.

As such, you’re destined to see backup Marcus Mariota start more than a few games at some point this fall. Mariota is just like Jayden Daniels if Jayden Daniels was fucking terrible.

What’s new that sucks: That cameo in the NFC title game was all team president Adam Peters needed to declare the Super Bowl window open. His shift into win-now mode included trading for washed-up WR Deebo Samuel, plus another trade for former Texans LT Laremy Tunsil, who just got flagged for holding as I wrote this. Deebo is just about the only member of this offense who would be able to take some of the rushing load off of Daniels. The problem is that Deebo enjoys running the jet sweep about as much as I enjoy the musical stylings of Meghan Trainor. You guys overpaid for a guy who’s already settled into his Grousing Phase, and is in no rush to emerge out of it.

The good news is that the team settled things up with WR Terry McLaurin just in time for the regular season. Given that Washington lost two of its depth receivers this offseason, and that its primary tight end is Zach Ertz buckled into a Rascal scooter, expect McLovin to get the same 34 targets per game that he’s gotten every season since being drafted. And Daniels will have to get the ball out to him fast, because this is still one of the more underwhelming O-lines in the league. Tunsil’s addition changes nothing in that regard. Ask C.J. Stroud. If first round-pick and RT Josh Conerly hits right away, maybe I could convince myself this line is on the upswing. But I have no interest in doing that, because fuck you.

On defense, here’s edge rusher Von Miller on a one-year deal to play the role of Bruce Smith circa 2000. Also here is former 49ers/Jets DT Javon Kinlaw, who’s finally learned how to stay healthy for an entire season, but only had a ranking of 79th among all interior defenders last year to show for it. Free-agent S Will Harris is just about the only new defensive starter here who doesn’t need a cane to get out of bed every morning. That’s a bit of a problem when your schedule is 17 games long. The pass defense will still be good, especially if second-round CB Trey Amos lives up to his training-camp hype. But this was one of the worst rushing defenses in the NFL last season, and there’s little to suggest it’s gotten any better since then. Saquon Barkley is sharpening his cleats as we speak.

Marshon Lattimore is probably finished.

What has always sucked: Ladies and gentlemen, we are fucked. The President is a butt who just ordered our country to invade itself. The air we breathe grows more toxic by the day. I can’t get a fucking COVID shot for the upcoming season because a gravel-throated HGH addict thinks it’ll give me AIDS. Every powerful person in our government looks like an extra from Brazil. And every ad I see is like, “Doctors don’t want you to know that eating two teaspoons of this bark powder per day will add 20 years to your life.” Fucked.

There’s no getting out of this. Shit isn’t gonna start magically rolling uphill just because I waited around for it to happen. No, America will only grow more fucked from this day forward, and no one in charge seems to mind in the least. Case in point:

Back when this team won Super Bowls, all of D.C.’s politicos and cocktail party circuit regulars would descend upon RFK Stadium to pretend to enjoy football. While in attendance, they would casually map out how best to fuck the rest of us over. Republicans, Democrats, journalists … all of them were ideologically opposed only on television. Alone together in D.C., they were all George Will. That hasn’t changed. If anything, the cronyism has only gotten worse. More fucked.

So remember that when Josh Harris gets his new stadium back inside the District and you’re supposed to be charmed by the sight of a Kennedy and a Russert sitting in the box together, having a beer. The only good people in D.C. are the ones with troops needlessly stationed next to their apartment buildings. Everyone else in that town can suck on a flamethrower. Fuck the lot of you, and fuck your small-time football team. You all deserve to be skinned alive.

There’s still no good pizza here.

What might not suck: When I saw Metallica in Landover a couple of months ago, the difference in the stadium experience under new ownership was immediately evident. There were ample places to buy food and drink, and nothing in the parking lot was on fire. Incredible how much you can improve on hospitality simply by giving half a shit.

HEAR IT FROM COMMANDERS FANS!

Tucker:

The last time this fan base felt hope, RGIII’s leg immediately turned into an outtake from Saving Private Ryan.

Sean:

Say goodbye to the warm fuzzies, because not even Jesus could keep Jayden Daniels’ knee intact behind this offensive line.

Chris:

Hell hath no fury like a white person who wants to cheer on a slur.

Leo:

Why'd it have to be the fucking Eagles, man? 

Mark:

Our karmic bill for the Snyder era has not been paid and we owe more than he stole from the NFL. Last year was our glass of water in the middle of the desert. Jayden does not deserve to have his femur splinter into a thousand pieces, it's just that he got drafted by Washington and we can't have nice things. Fuck Dan Snyder with the Washington Monument. Fuck Ron Rivera with all of his unemployed draft picks. We love Jayden Daniels and we're sorry for what's next.

Woody:

This past season I saw a lot of people online talking about being happy for Commanders fans to have a fun and exciting football team after all we had to go through when Snyder was the owner. Let me tell you, those feelings will NOT last long once folks get reacquainted with our fanbase.

Zach:

Deep down we all know that despite everything we endured as a fan base for the past three decades, we don't deserve any of the success we had last year. 

I went for a walk today on my lunch break and saw a new sticker with the old name and logo in blood red slapped on the side of a Ford Escape. That’s emblematic of this entire fanbase of aggrieved little fascists from Manassas working out their petty grudges and insecurities on the rest of us.

But more important, this team couldn't stop a toddler from running for 12 on 1st down. Our defense is a road of bones for Saquon to stomp down.

Elizabeth:

Living in DC is miserable right now. Everything is humid and muggy, thousands of people have been fired and the city is full of the worst people on earth who are deadset on continuing to fuck over each and every resident of the city. We had a good season last year, but we're still in a division with the defending Super Bowl champs, who tore us apart like we were the Department of Education. And we still play in a toilet bowl in PG County.

I bet we lose to the fucking Cowboys somehow. Commanders is still a stupid fucking name.

James:

Ownership is going to show Trump their belly, but in the lamest possible way: by announcing occasional throwback nights with the old name and logo. All the wretched fans who still refuse to call the team the Commanders will whoop in joy over how triggered the libs are.

Nic:

The biggest promoters of bringing the Commanders back to RFK are: Kentucky Republican James Comer, the asshole leading the Oversight Committee's current crusade into Biden's autopen "controversy" and who has enriched himself through his own shell companies; noted not-friend of Jeffrey Epstein, Donald Trump; and Mayor Bowser, who most recently has tried to roll back the voter approved tipped minimum wage, kneeled to Trump and got rid of BLM plaza, has had four different FBI investigations under her administration, and is now pushing a proposal that will cost DC taxpayers $6 billion.

Todd:

This team just had its best season this century. The owner seems like a decent person for a billionaire. The GM appears competent and not just a drinking buddy with the owner. The coach is better than anyone expected. The QB seems to be the real deal. And there appears to be actual progress towards getting a new stadium that doesn't dump raw sewage on fans.

So what were the fans talking about the most during Super Bowl week? How upset they were that ownership wsn't going to go back to the racist name. We don't deserve Jayden Daniels.

Michael:

Crotch-punt Dan Snyder into the sun.

Chris:

I am 38 years old. I do not remember their last Super Bowl win in 1992. Their win over the Lions this past postseason was one of the greatest nights of my life, only for them to get absolutely shitpumped the following week against a division rival.

Moving on from that, I felt a great sense of optimism about the upcoming season and our amazing new quarterback, only to see our dipshit new owner gifting Trump a custom Commanders jersey. Seven wins max this year.

Jeremy:

The team is ancient. Half the roster has knees older than my HOA board. Jayden’s WR Corps is basically Terry McLaurin, 3 folding chairs, and a prayer, and by the time you finish reading this sentence Frankie Luvu will have drawn another flag for something inexplicably boneheaded.

Every Commanders fan in exurban Northern Virginia has two things in common: a $1.2M mortgage and an unshakable belief that cancel culture stole their childhood mascot. Every time I say I’m a Commanders fan, someone nearby feels safe enough to mutter, “They’ll always be the you know what to me.”

THE NAME IS NOT COMING BACK. JESUS CHRIST AND THE SEVEN DWARFS. 

Fuck the Commanders. Fuck Dan Snyder. And fuck me for believing this year will be different.

Max:

Fuck The Junkies.

Christian:

There’s a significant percentage of the fanbase that would rather go back to the old name than win the Super Bowl. Even after coming off the best season most of them have ever seen. 

Todd:

They claim to want only high character individuals. They could have taken the money they paid for the husk of wife beater Von Miller and paid Terry McLaurin what he was seeking.

Matt:

Prior to last season, the closest that Washington got to the Super Bowl in the post-Joe Gibbs era was in 1999, when Brett Conway was attempting a 52-yard field goal to beat the Buccaneers. Conway never got to attempt the kick because, for the second time that year, Washington long snapper Dan Turk skipped the ball to the holder, his brother Matt. The Turks also cost Washington a win in Week 1 against the Cowboys on another botched snap/hold with no time left in regulation.

As the Bucs took a kneeldown, the TV camera panned to Dan on the sideline, which resulted in me yelling at the TV, "I hope you get cancer." Guess what happened to Dan less than a year later. Yes, I am a terrible person.

Tim:

Fuck the haters Frankie Luvu should never stop jumping.

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