Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: “OHHHHHHHHHH! BLOCKED! THE CHIEFS HAVE WON! THE CHIEFS HAVE WON!” I love Kevin Harlan unreservedly. I’d like him to call my funeral.
Your 2024 record: 10-7. Oh sure, you could argue that this team was good because it had a winning record, a healthy point differential, a DPOY winner, and a playoff appearance. But I’m telling you, these Broncos were nothing more than scented toilet paper.
And I bring proof. Denver beat only one winning team all season, not counting a Week 18 victory over Kansas City in which the Chiefs rested their best players. Their rushing leader for the season barely cracked 500 total yards. They had just one wideout crack 1,000 yards, and barely (for this accomplishment, the organization just handed that same wideout $40 million in guarantees). And their rookie QB didn’t throw a ball past the sticks until sometime around Christmas. Anyone who thought highly of this team never watched one of their games and deserves a ski pole to the eye.
Because all of Denver’s losses came at the hands of winning teams. Seattle ripped off 17 unanswered points in the second half to beat them in Week 1. Pittsburgh beat them in a 13-6 eyesore, with neither offense tallying over 300 yards. The Steelers gave an inactive Russell Wilson a game ball after that win, likely because he posted better stats than anyone who actually played. They were also swept by the Chargers last season, blowing an 11-point lead in the rematch. Jimmy Harbaugh even got to indulge his inner Belichick during that comeback, and it worked. For the Chargers. Does a good team make the Chargers look like geniuses? They do not.
The Broncos’ supposedly fearsome defense allowed Lamar Jackson to throw for a perfect passer rating in 31-point loss at Baltimore. Their FG unit let America all the way down when it biffed the potential game-winner in Kansas City. And then, in Week 17, Joe Burrow walked their asses off in overtime:
Did anyone expect these puds to win a playoff game in Buffalo after all of that? Fuck no. Yeah, Denver scored on their first drive against the Bills, but who gives a shit? I saw these guys take a 10-0 lead on Doug Williams in a Super Bowl once. They never scored again in that Super Bowl. They never scored again in Buffalo either. For the past decade, the Broncos have been a defense-only team with no ability to come back from a deficit of more than half a point. Last year’s edition was no different. They may as well have been starting Brockton Paxbow at QB and nothing would have changed.
Your coach: Expressed anal gland Sean Payton, who is single-handedly keeping the Bill Parcells coaching tree alive. The rest of the NFL’s coaching ranks have adopted more contemporary methods, such as:
- Establishing a healthy peer-to-peer relationship with their own players
- Employing load management
- Fostering a culture where players and staff alike enjoy going to work every day
- Not being a complete prick to everyone
None of those guidelines represent The Parcells Way, which prizes walking by you during the stretching period and saying, “Looking good there, YOU FUCKING FATASS.” That’s how you can tell that Coach just wants what’s best for you. Sean Payton hasn’t won a title in 16 years, but he’s won just enough in the interim to have you believe he’s got one more Super Bowl run in him. He doesn’t. I know because I see Pete Carmichael still lurking on this coaching manifest, and because of this guy…
Your quarterback: Longball merchant Bo Nix. LOOK OUT BELOW!!!
I have wished nothing but mean shit for Bo Nix ever since he got into the league. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because he looks like Drew Lock married Zach Wilson married Mac Jones. Or maybe it’s because a one-legged blind man would make for a better downfield passer. All I know that he enters the 2025 season so overrated, you’d think he played for Green Bay.
Why are dumb people so high on this socially acceptable version of Daniel Jones? Because of the forced narrative they cobbled together from his rookie season. If you remember (I hope you didn’t), Nix started off last year throwing zero TDs against four picks. Then he finally passed for a TD against the Jets in a 10-9 win and some people (not me) were like, “Oh wow, who’s a big boy now?!” Then he padded his statline against horrible defenses at season’s end and those same people got even chestier. “But I was told Bo Nix had no arm strength!” Even Nix’s teammates had to go along with the story:
"His résumé speaks for itself," Broncos wide receiver Courtland Sutton said. "All he's done is gotten better."
O RLY? Because if you dig into the numbers on that résumé, and you don’t have to dig all that far down, you’ll discover quite the opposite. Here’s Alex Blickle from FTN:
Nix was seventh in the NFL in DYAR and 10th in DVOA with a lead of any kind. In one-score games, he was 15th in DYAR and 16th in DVOA. And when trailing, he was 30th in both DYAR and DVOA. This is a gigantic red flag.
Not only did Nix suck when trailing, he also sucked at throwing downfield, throwing on the run, and throwing against the blitz. Good thing that you can win a Super Bowl without having to do any of those things well. When the NFL’s annual 100 top players thingie listed Nix at No. 64 this summer, the internet took a screengrab so that it could make fun of that ranking to the rest of the internet. If there are only 63 players out there who are better than Bo Nix, the NFL needs better players.
Now, Payton has capably disguised Backpack Boy’s shortcomings with screen passes and dumpoffs, but eventually he’s gonna need his QB to post an average depth of target above “German shepherd.” Mention Drew Brees to me right now and I’ll push you off a cliff.
Your backup is Jarrett Stidham, who is somehow even less imposing.
What’s new that sucks: The Broncos fortified an already loaded defense this offseason when they yoinked LB Dre Greenlaw and S Talanoa Hufanga away from the 49ers, and then drafted stud Texas CB Jahdae Barron in the first round this spring. That’s on top of an extension they handed out to DL Zach Allen, who anchors the front seven with edge rusher Nik Bonitto and DL Jonathan Franklin-Myers. Throw in a reigning Defensive Player of the Year in CB Patrick Surtain and that’s just enough firepower to make you believe that these Broncos can finally end Kansas City’s eternal reign atop the AFC West.
Stop reading here if you don’t wanna hear about the offense.
Unfortunately, taking the Chiefs down requires you to field an offense that knows how to score touchdowns. And while Denver has one of the best O-lines in the entire league, their skill position group remains a collection of severed donkey penises. WR Courtland Sutton is Brandin Cooks without the team cancer vibes, and he’s still the team’s only receiving threat. Payton swears that Troy Franklin—drafted out of Oregon to play the Allen Lazard to Nix’s Aaron Rodgers—is gonna happen, but I have faith in a wideout whose name sounds like a local Ford dealership. There’s still no one here to throw the ball to, unless you count new arrival TE Evan Engram, who is incapable of putting up decent numbers anywhere outside of Duval County.
The running game is still dependent on little more than hopes and dreams. Former Gryffindor resident J.K. Dobbins is here from the Chargers to get injured in Week 5, with rookie RJ Harvey as the only other potential asset in the backfield. So look out, Broncos Country. You guys are gonna both dink AND dunk this season! It’ll be like holding two lit sparklers at once. What a thrill.
The Nuggets will never win another title in the Jokic area. Shannon Sharpe now has a rap sheet uglier than his face. John Elway killed his friend with a golf cart.
What has always sucked: Denver has been a city everyone wants to move to for long enough that it's now chock full just as many rude and status-obsessed people as L.A. But instead of being influencers or actors, they all just work in marketing. Every cool new restaurant is an 80,000 square foot food hall with a carbon footprint bigger than an OpenAI data center. The beer gets worse every year. The downtown still smells like cow farts, the airport is still spiritually located in Kansas, and Broncos fans are still so entitled that they may as well be cheering for an SEC team. Lord knows they all own enough firearms to qualify. I wish nothing good for the Broncos, and I hope Payton has a heart attack so big that it has a visible blast radius.
What might not suck: They’ll be good this year, much in the same way they were good a year ago. I’d rather get a ride home from someone in their front office than watch them play football.
HEAR IT FROM BRONCOS FANS!
George:
This team looks amazing until we have to play someone other than Spencer Rattler or Kansas City's fifth-stringers. Meanwhile, Sean Payton remains an asshole of the highest caliber.
Preston:
Bo Nix is Trent Dilfer with better hair.
Colin:
Sean Payton is a bigger asshole than Belichick, with fewer rings and even less charisma.
Roger:
Fuck the Broncos’ special teams unit for having a PAT-distance game winning field goal at Arrowhead blocked because the left side of the line decided to become a turnstile.
John:
They're floating the idea of moving to the 'burbs and I'll be glad to help them pack.
Troy:
The local media will defend this franchise at all costs. Try finding Elway's BAC during The Golf Cart Joyride anywhere.
Tyler:
They designed and put out the best uniforms they possibly could . . . just so they could try to win every game 9-7. As upsetting as it is, I can’t help but be impressed.
Alex:
Can you publish the Broncos WYTS on August 18? That's the day Denver is going to fire a couple hundred city employees so the city will have enough money to pay for a new stadium for the wealthiest ownership group in the NFL.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Wish granted.)
Ian:
It finally happened! For the first time since 2016 the Denver Broncos are the team in town that I resent least. They addressed their lack of linebacker size with Dre Greenlaw, whose legs were ready to be pulled out of the smoker at least 90 minutes ago. Fuck Michael Porter, double fuck Calvin Booth, triple fuck Mikko Rantenen and while we're at it quadruple fuck Patrick Mahomes and his beer gut. Jokic is the only fat MVP I recognize.
Derek:
I'm excited about an upcoming Broncos season for the first time in a decade. Sean Payton is still an asshole though.
Fuck Tim Tebow and fuck the Colorado Rockies.
Aaron:
Our fanbase, a bunch of Patty Hearsts with heart disease, will fall in love with whoever stands behind center: Jay Cutler, TE Tim Tebow, Russell “Turing test” Wilson. Now we’ve decided to sharpen our victim complex and cry about how disrespected Bo Nix is/was and how he’ll prove all the haters wrong. Deep down I know he’s probably the second coming of Justin Herbert’s playoff resume
In conclusion, hell yeah I bought a Bo Nix jersey. It’s Fanatics brand and it fucking sucks. I deserve this.
Austin:
With every passing year it becomes more apparent that Sean Payton should have had a major role in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. He’s just that sticky. Bo Nix’s Christmas card was so Caucasian that my white privilege got momentarily revoked by even looking at it. Everyone and their mother knows Elway was drunk driving that cart. Come on.
Sam:
They want public money to build a new stadium. They just built a fucking stadium for this team that opened in 2001 (Sept 10, 2001 was the first game... ask me how I remember that) using public funds, and have upgraded it significantly. It's on a transit line close to downtown and the highways. Now they want to move it out near the airport (NO) or south suburbs (NOOOOOOOO) so they can have a dome and host a Super Bowl. Why. Why the fuck. No.
I want to root for Bo Nix, and I was encouraged by his play last year. I do not think he's the real deal and I think that realization is going to hit a lot of people in Denver very, very hard.
Fuck Walmart.
Kory:
I remember growing up with my grandfather and father yelling at the TV whenever they watched football. I always thought it was silly to get angry about a team doing poorly. Disappointed, sure. You want your team to win. But I consider myself a reasonable fan. I try to go into a season with reasonable expectations to limit my disappointment. I don't ever want to be that asshole breaking TVs, stomping around, throwing a fit. And that was as a child. I'm an adult now and still feel the same. Disappointed, sure. But never enraged.
Reader, let me set the scene of my fall from grace.
I had a rare Sunday off. The Broncos, 5-4, are in Kansas City. I only watch the game for background noise while I study for college. After all, I've seen this dance before. Patrick Mahomes is probably the best QB currently playing and he's healthy this time. Andy Reid knows how to beat the Broncos, having done so many times before. I suffer no illusions of this team being weak. They looked awful in 2023 and won the Super Bowl. This is not a real game, we're taking the loss and moving on to play Atlanta and home.
But as the game goes on, by God, the Broncos are looking...good? Mahomes gets sacked like six times??? Bo Nix is looking like a professional QB?? Could we actually win this?
It all comes down to a 35-yard field goal. The score is 16-14 Chiefs. It's a chip shot. No problem. I'm smiling at easily the best Broncos football I've watched in a decade. Finally. My team has come together after nearly a decade of listlessness.
The Chiefs block it and win.
I threw the laptop off my lap like it was a snake. I charged the TV in my living room like it was a threat to my family. I swore and cussed as if I had lost my ancestral home playing dice. I reached back with my fist to punch a wall and I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a picture frame. I had become what I never wanted to. I was losing my shit over a 5-5 football team. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
The only witnesses were my dogs, who both fled to the stairs in horror of what I had done, shock in their eyes. It is a strange thing to be judged by an animal and know the animal is right. I had lost a piece of myself that day.
Fuck this Broncos team for taking that from me. And fuck the Chiefs too. And the Raiders (on principle).
JCW:
I literally had cancer in the fall of 2022 and the Broncos were still the worst part of that season. I stayed up way too late on a chemo night to watch them lose that TNF stinker against the Colts. I spent the whole weekend violently ill, and almost was hospitalized. I was and am still more upset about that game. Fuck Russ. Fuck Josh McDaniels. Fuck John Elway’s bad hair and stupid teeth.
Cancer was temporary, the Broncos are forever.
Glenn:
At least they aren’t the Rockies.
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