Why Your Team Sucks 2025: Baltimore Ravens

Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: DROP IT, MISTER!

Ravens fans, you may as well get used to seeing that clip. You’re gonna see it replayed during every game, at every sports bar, on every TV on sale at your local Best Buy, in your dreams, and in your nightmares. I just stitched a needlepoint of that play into your mom’s face, actually. Looks better on her than the old face.

Your 2024 record: 12-5. The second these guys lost by a toe to Kansas City in the first game of last season, you knew what the deal was gonna be. This was the best team by DVOA in the league, again. In fact, it was one of the best DVOA teams in history, again. Their quarterback was note perfect throughout the regular season, again. And none of it meant fuck all. Again.

But you people don’t pay me to skimp on the details, so I won’t. The Ravens blew through their schedule and ended tied with Buffalo for the best point differential in the AFC. Look closer at the losses though, and cracks were already apparent. The Ravens blew a 10-point lead at home to Gardner Minshew, in game where Las Vegas rushed for a mere 27 total yards. They had a pair of thrilling wins against Cincinnati, but Ja’Marr Chase posted 264 yards and three TDs by himself in the second meeting. They lost at Cleveland thanks to S Kyle Hamilton dropping a gimme interception, a fuckup that had Jameis Winston telling the press (again) that he’d found God (again). They lost in Pittsburgh, as per ancient custom. And they blew a 9-0 lead to Philadelphia at home when their formerly automatic kicker got Stage 5 Yips. A few months later, he would also be dignaosed with Stage 5 Deshaunwatsonism.

Fast forward to the playoffs. The Ravens easily dispatch the torpid Steelers at home in the Wild Card round by tallying nearly 300 yards on the ground. Real '90s Nebraska shit. New acquisition RB Derrick Henry accounted for 186 yards of that rushing total. This is why the Ravens signed Henry from Tennessee. They weren’t gonna shy away from running the ball in the playoffs like the season before. This time, they were gonna bulldoze every opponent on their way to a third Super Bowl title, a title that was rightfully theirs. The way forward was clear.

Their Divisional Round game came on a snowy evening in Buffalo. What better setting could one of the greatest rushing attacks in league history ask for? AND WHY THE FUCK DID THEY DO THIS WITH IT?

You know how many carries Henry got in that loss? Sixteen. When the Ravens needed to punch in the two-point conversion to tie the game, the way forward was again clear. Hand the ball off to the King and then get ready for overtime. Instead, they pulled a Pete Carroll. In a snowstorm. With a QB who had already turned the ball over twice. To a tight end who had already fumbled once. Fantastic. Awesome. Great fucking job by you savants.

Let’s zero in on the culprits here, starting with…

Your coach: John Harbaugh, whom Ravens fans are now sick of. Every year I write this preview, and every year these fans are like, “Is this the year we’re finally rid of Harbaugh?” First of all, no. Second of all, fuck you. You stole your team from Cleveland, won two rings thanks to an assistant murderer, built a STATUE of that assistant murderer, have had one losing season in the past decade, and now you’re like OH BOO HOO I WISH WE WERE COACHED BY SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR THE RAMS? Eat hog. You don’t deserve John Harbaugh. You deserve pain.

(John Harbaugh is a MAGA load who has Mike Tomlin’s playoff habits; you 100 percent deserve him.)

Your quarterback: Lamar Jackson, who doesn’t get to blow off the “he chokes in the playoffs” takes any longer. We have a record on you now, Lamar. Every regular season, you look like traveled here from the year 2125 to conquer the universe. Then January hits and suddenly you’re Justin Fields. You fucking slob. Do you know how annoying it is to watch you fuck up like this over and over? You’re just gonna spend every postseason, for the rest of your career, validating Bill Polian’s opinions about you? You’re making the rest of us look like shit here, buddy. When you guys lock up the one seed this time around, try aiming at your receivers’ hands when the knockout round kicks off.

And here’s a wild idea: give the ball to the guy behind you. The product of a Louisville education right here. Christ.

Your backup is Cooper Rush, who looks good only if the starter is out for two games at the maximum.

What’s new that sucks: “Tucker was still erect, E. said, which she found discomfiting.” That’s from a Baltimore Banner investigation that revealed now-former Ravens kicker Justin Tucker to be, like Deshaun Watson, a man who believes that every massage therapist is also his personal sex slave. Tucker’s also a big Jesus Freak, which makes his scandal both predictable and even more off-putting. How much of an asshole do you have to be to think you can get away with sex crimes as a kicker?

That story broke in January, by the way. Guess how long it took the Ravens organization to act on it? If you said “four months,” come get your prize check. Here's how Ravens GM Eric DeCosta decided to announce Tucker's release:

Sometimes football decisions are incredibly difficult, and this is one of those instances.

Considering our current roster, we have made the tough decision to release Justin Tucker. Justin created many significant and unforgettable moments in Ravens history. His reliability, focus, drive, resilience and extraordinary talent made him one of the league's best kickers for over a decade. We are grateful for Justin's many contributions while playing for the Ravens. We sincerely wish him and his family the very best in this next chapter of their lives.

You know what constitutes a tough decision, Eric DeCosta? How about when a famous local athlete springs his boner on you and you have to decide, on the spot, if you should risk your career and your sanity to call him out on it? To me, that’s the real sticky wicket. But here you are all like, We agonized for months over whether or not our washed up kicker/documented sexual menace should remain in the Ravens family. Even Jerry Jones would have cut this asshole within 24 hours. But the Ravens always need more time to deliberate than the fucking O.J. jury did. DURRR WE’RE SERIOUS MEN WHO DON’T TAKE THESE DECISIONS LIGHTLY DURRR. It’s a stupid kicker. You’re not contemplating an invasion of Pakistan here. Oh, and guess who drafted another accused sex offender after looking “very thoroughly” into the allegations? If I were a woman, I’d rather work for Diddy than for this franchise.

Back to football. The Ravens’ biggest acquisition this offseason was former Packers CB Jaire Alexander, who makes fewer public appearances every year than the Loch Ness Monster. Would you believe that our man hasn’t practiced with this team in nearly three weeks because he already has a knee booboo? John Harbaugh says to pay that no heed:

"He's been working hard at non-football stuff, he's been chomping at the bit trying to break out of prison," Harbaugh said. "He's been locked away in there (Under Armour Performance Center training room). It's a nice place, beautiful, but in his mind, it's a prison, nonetheless.”

Oh yeah, I’m sure the guy who’s played in 14 games over the past two seasons is just DYING to get back out there. I’m sure he shows up at the training room every morning wearing all black and then carves tally marks into the walls of his ice bath. “Release me from this torture!” he screams, while lighting a cigar with a burning $100 bill. “I can’t stand being imprisoned in Under Armour’s sweat-wicking cage one day longer!!!”

Should Alexander not be available come playoff time, don’t worry. The Ravens still have plenty of corners who’ll give up a heartbreaker at the worst possible time. Like aging nutbar Marlon Humphrey, or maybe even free agent signing Chidobe Awuzie. Oh, wait! What about first round pick Malaki Starks? Let’s check to his draft profile to see if HE’LL be the one to fuck you guys over!

Though there are plenty of examples of his range and playmaking skills, he doesn’t consistently position himself to be disruptive in man-to-man situations — that issue led to several big plays allowed in 2024.

A free safety who can’t cover? Oh yeah, he’ll do. Already looking forward to seeing Malaki Starks let Rashee Rice slip past him for a 75-yarder with less than two minutes to play in the AFC title game. Trading him for a sixth rounder in 2027 will be one of the most painful decisions that Eric DeCosta has ever had to make.

T Ronnie Stanley re-signed in March, which means that the Ravens still have exactly two good O-linemen and no more than that. The wideout room is still eggshell thin, with DeAndre Hopkins arriving to fulfill this organization’s annual quota of washed up pass-catchers. And Rashod Bateman is still around to waste everyone’s time. But hey, you still have TE Mark Andrews here to nullify all of his career accomplishments by pulling a Jackie Smith at the goal line. You guys are the No. 1 DVOA headed into the season again. It means jack shit. Run the fucking ball.

Your new kicker is Tyler Loop, who’s got a neck like a desk lamp.

What has always sucked: Again, this team already has two titles this century, and yet their fans are never pleased. Whenever they lose to the Steelers, it’s a conspiracy. Whenever they run into the Mahomes Wall come playoff time, actually our team is cursed now. Whenever Lamar displays all the accuracy of a sawed-off shotgun, I miss Joe Flacco. And whenever Johnny Harbs channels his inner Darrell Bevell, we’d have five rings by now if we had a better coach! It’s like you dumbasses never learned how to be football fans. Didn’t you have an NFL team here before the Ravens? I guess you guys were pissed that the Colts left before they could teach you what “first-and-10” means.

I don’t know why I expected people who wear camo Zubaz to know ball, but this is fucking pathetic. Commanders fans are smarter than you people, and they just got back here. You didn’t deserve the Super Bowls you’ve won, and you sure as shit don’t deserve another.

Baltimore's only city attractions are an overpriced aquarium and a dogshit baseball team.

What might not suck: Look man, either you or the Bills are gonna have to do this shit at some point, and the Bills have a karma reserve that’s drier than your grandma. Get it together and get Lamar his ring so that I have something new to watch on my television.

HEAR IT FROM RAVENS FANS!

Joe:

We play down to competition so hard it gives Mike Tomlin an erection. Our punter can't punt, our OC forgets to run the ball, our GM is probably a serial killer, and Harbaugh still can't manage the clock. The inner harbor blows. The Orioles suck again. Anne Arundel county can go to hell. Can't wait to see how we fuck this up this time.

Dragutin:

It's insanely moronic to run a hurry-up offense which, had Andrews caught the ball, still would have left Josh fucking Allen over 1:33 on the clock with two time outs to get the Bills in FG range. I wish I was back in prison.

Eamonn:

Watching that divisional game in the playoffs was like watching Cinderella rush out of the ballroom, see that the stagecoach has turned into a pumpkin, and then try to ride it home anyway.

Gary:

My wife has owned two jerseys in her life: Ray Rice and Justin Tucker. I do not want to buy her another active player's jersey for fear that it will be revealed that they are the Zodiac killer. 

Andy:

When the news came out, I immediately threw out my Justin Tucker t-shirt. I also realize that owning a t-shirt of your team’s kicker makes me the same as most of this fanbase: a complete loser.

Kurt:

Because Mark Andrews forgets to check his glucose during the playoffs, so every pass clanks off his hypoglycemic hands.

Carlos:

Watching the Ravens in the playoffs is like watching your partner apply for jobs, get to the second round of interviews, then show up naked and drunk every time for some reason.

Alex:

Our quarterback is a multiple-MVP winner in the prime of his career, and has been putting up passing efficiency stats to rival peak Drew Brees while also being strapped to a rocket pack.

Then the playoffs roll around and it becomes a competition between the coaches and the players to see who can step on the most consecutive rakes and hand the game to the other team.

My father thinks Lamar talks funny. He also yearns for the days of Joe Flacco.

Connor:

The Ravens P.R. team works so hard that they even managed to squash a story about Lamar Jackson attending a plea hearing for Kodak Black while he was on trial for assault and battery. I love Lamar as a quarterback, but he is as dumb as a box of rocks. He'll gladly retweet anything about God and Jesus, even if it's from white supremacists like Charlie Kirk. I guess it can't be too surprising when his head coach gladly accepts an invite to the White House with his dipshit cheating brother, or when the GM's wife reposts Libs of TikTok anti-trans propaganda.

Brian:

A couple of years ago, my kid was up at Hopkins and we had the chance to watch training camp through the hospital. It was fun, and we met a bunch of players. The nicest and most engaged player was Justin Tucker. Our interaction with him was so great that we made an impromptu purchase of a Tucker jersey, which he then signed. Never meet your heroes. Fly Ravens Fly.

Jake:

Lamar’s playoff ball security is the same as his OTA attendance: you’re lucky if he shows up once per year.

Right after lavishing praise on Tucker while cutting him, the team proceeded to draft a defensive end who had been dismissed from Virginia’s football team after sexual assault allegations. He was also the subject of sexual assault allegations in high school.

Fuck Terrence Cody.

Aaron:

James:

Harbaugh went to talk to that fucking fascist for, reasons? Why? What the fuck is he doing that for? I’m serious though, what the fuck did they talk about?

Jesse:

They draft another accused abuser in Mike Green. If Lamar gets his Super Bowl win this year, I'll forget I wrote this and blindly cheer them on. NFL fandom is pretty fucked up. 

Kenneth:

For two years in a row, they've blown double digit leads to fucking Gardner Minshrew. The entire staff should've been jettisoned to NFL Europe.

And no, Lamar Jackson was not the MVP. He only had a incredible season due to this vaunted defense shitting themselves and forcing Jackson to play hero ball to hang with the Steelers.

Joe:

This team went through the Ray Rice saga over 10 years ago and all they learned from it was, "Instead of having the victims apologize for their role in it, let's just stay totally silent and find a way to dismiss the sex creep via a football decision.” Justin Tucker had a guaranteed Royal Farms paycheck for life, but this is Baltimore. All our heroes have to have SOMETHING ridiculously wrong with them.

If only this team could find a way to merge the regular season awesomeness of Lamar and the ridiculously crazy postseason success of Joe Flacco into a single QB. They would be unstoppable… on offense. Their defense would continue to just let other teams pass down the field at will)

John Harbaugh will consistently take the Ravens to a 10-win season and then lose in the Divisional Round because he sees what’s working for this team and then decides to do the opposite.

Matt:

The Ravens didn’t even have to win a Super Bowl for Harbaugh to visit Trump at the White House. Also I guarantee Justin Tucker will still have the one of the popular jerseys you will see at Ravens games.

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