Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews here.
Your team: Your kicker is a fucking asshole.
Your 2023 record: 11-6. Super Bowl champs. OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS!
Yep, they won it all again. Did you feel inspired watching it? No? Why is that? Is it because the Chiefs only beat one playoff team all regular season? Is it because their shithead right tackle started off the year believing that lining up 10 yards behind the line of scrimmage and then false starting on every play was legal? Is it because they got crushed by Russell Wilson?
Or is it because this was the year that the Chiefs strove to live up to the red on their helmets? OK, it’s probably that, but really there are no wrong answers here, my friend.
This was easily the worst Chiefs team to win it all. They lost at home to the Eagles. They got rinsed in Lambeau by the Packers. They lost to the Bills because Kadarius Toney is a blithering idiot. They dropped more passes than any other team in the NFL. And they lost to the Raiders in a game where Aidan O’Connell failed to complete a pass for the last three quarters.
Despite all of that, Kansas City won it all anyway, because all they had to do was beat the following opponents in order: a DOA Miami team, a cursed Bills team that gifted them Wide Right II, a Ravens team whose QB always falls apart at the wrong time, and Kyle Shanahan. Wow. What a gauntlet. I’d have a harder time getting your mom in bed.
Then someone shot up the victory parade.
Your coach: Andy Reid, who’s as good at playcalling as he is terrible at parenting.
Your quarterback: Patrick Mahomes, whose wife recently went the full Elon after she set off Trumpdars nationwide:
I mean honestly, to be a hater as an adult, you have to have some deep rooted issues you refuse to heal from childhood. There’s no reason your brain is fully developed and you hate to see others doing well.
The second I saw this woman’s new house on Quarterback, I knew she was one of them. Only Republicans and Jayson Williams think that’s a tasteful abode. And if you’re outing yourself as red-pilled just as the MAGA movement is getting played out across the nation, well then you time your life choices about as well as Clay Travis has.
But Brittany Mahomes will at least be comforted to know that this man will be joining her husband in the quarterback room:
Yup, that’s Carson Wentz. If you see this man start a game this season, that means you’re going 6-11.
What’s new that sucks: Despite having the most entertaining quarterback in the history of the league, the Chiefs chose to make a full heel turn this offseason, starting with kicker Harrison Butker, who’s exactly as smart as he looks:
I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you. How many of you are sitting here now, about to cross this stage, and are thinking about all the promotions and titles you are going to get in your career? Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.
Did you know that Butker’s mom is a fucking physicist? I know I’d put that job at the top of my resume, especially if my side gig as a mother produced a whiny little bugfuck of a kid like this. It used to be that when a kicker made offseason headlines, it was Jeff Reed drunkenly destroying a Sheetz bathroom, or Mike Vanderjagt getting liquored up and saying some stuff that made his quarterback mad. Butker going on stage at a Christian college and doing Josh Hawley cosplay isn’t quite as amusing.
Nevertheless, Butker remains one of the most reliable kickers in the league. He probably chains his wife to the stove before leaving the house every morning. That’s why the Chiefs extended him this offseason for nearly $18 million guaranteed. Many libs were owned to bring you this information.
Not content with having a mere kicker drag them into the muck, the Chiefs’ only decent wideout from 2023, Rashee Rice, held an impromptu gumball rally with his buddy that triggered a six-car collision, injuring at least four other people. According to the police report, Rice was driving his Lambo 119 mph on the shoulder when the crash happened. Oh, and the governor of Missouri let Andy Reid’s kid out of jail early despite the fact that Britt Reid got loaded behind the wheel and put a little girl into a coma. There’s nothing this franchise loves more than vehicular assault.
We’re not quite done yet. The Chiefs also signed that one punter who was accused of participating in the gang rape of a 17-year-old girl. And who’s that I spy at training camp?!
Don’t see any black people around Jon Gruden while he’s holding court. A shame, as they might enjoy some of Coach Gru’s more “off-color” jokes.
Meanwhile, if you were hoping that GM Brett Veach would use this offseason to fix one of the league’s worst receiving corps … SURPRISE, MUTHAPHUCKKA! He did nothing of the sort, unless you count signing WRs Marquise Brown (already hurt), Mecole Hardman (Tay approves), and JuJu Smith-Schuster (is JuJu Smith-Schuster) off the scrap heap as significant improvements. Veach also drafted Texas wideout Xavier Worthy at the bottom of the first round to run go routes on every single down. For entertainment’s sake, I hope Worthy is a fun player. For everything else’s sake, I hope he sucks and that Butker gets a case of the yips that’s so bad, he spends the rest of his life clinically depressed.
The Chiefs also drafted BYU T Kingsley Suamataia in the second round and promptly installed him as the starting LT to replace the departed Donovan Smith. I saw what happened to Mahomes in 2020 when his pass protection was dogshit. That could be you again this year, KC. Your governor won’t be able to pardon you out of it. Nor will high-level political shenanigans bring back offseason departures LB Willie Gay, G Nick Allegretti, RB Jerick McKinnon, and CB L’Jarius Sneed. The Chiefs know that Mahomes can win them a title every year all by himself, so they’re more than happy to make that their blueprint going forward.
Until Travis Kelce breaks down, in which case they’re supremely fucked.
What has always sucked: It makes sense that the Chiefs decided to become the official NFL franchise of Red America, given that their owners didn’t give players chairs with backs until a year ago. Why would the Hunt family spend money on things like “a functional training room” when they can rack up titles while treating their employees like dirt? All of the mouthbreathers in the fanbase do a Tomahawk Chop in the nude while hearing about Andy Reid forcing his players to go all of training camp without access to potable water. Sure, those NIMBY wokescolds in Jackson County may have denied the Chiefs free money to renovate their current stadium, but all the Hunt family has to do drive a few more counties outside of Kansas City proper to find a town that’ll give them anything they want, so long as the team promises not to include any gender-neutral bathrooms in the stadium plans.
There was a time, long since passed, when I found Chiefs fans sympathetic. I delighted in them finally landing a proper quarterback after decades in the wilderness. But my empathy has its limits, and these fans pushed past those limits right around 2020. Can’t quite remember why. We better go to the tape.
You don’t deserve this team, Chiefs fans. You more than deserve all of the crimes your team commits, and all of the abortion procedures your kicker will break up with his underground vigilante gang. But good football? Multiple rings? No, you don’t deserve any of that. If you love this team, you’re the type of shithead who drives an F-950, has 200 chain store credit cards in your dresser because you just couldn’t resist getting 10 percent off your first purchase, and will set off on a quest to make the Kelce brothers’ podcast more popular than Joe Rogan’s. You’re a terrible person who roots for a team that employs terrible people. And that’s how you’ll die.
So before that end comes—and it’s coming soon; I’ve seen what you eat—I hope that Mahomes gets accidentally run over by one of his own teammates, your wideouts drop every pass thrown their way, and Taylor dumps Travis just as he’s proposing on camera. Goodbye. Fuck you.
What might not suck: They’re winning the Super Bowl again, so I guess that’s cool for them and them only.
HEAR IT FROM CHIEFS FANS!
Vikram:
It was easier to root for this team when I didn't live around here.
Jake:
Rashee Rice found a way to boost his speed this offseason. Separation still leaves a lot to be desired though.
Christian:
Every year the Chiefs win one Super Bowl and in exchange introduce 3-5 people who are weird/annoying/criminals that I have to tolerate. I can no longer keep them all straight. Did Taylor Swift tell women to stay in the kitchen, and then break her kid's arm? That sounds right. By 2030, this team is going to be made up exclusively of faith healers and serial arsonists, and I'm still going to tell myself that the haters are just jealous of our success.
Franklin:
I have become everything I hate.
Kevin:
Clark Hunt likes to pretend he’s destitute instead of someone who was born with a platinum spoon up his butt.
Alex:
We're the fatter version of the Patriots fanbase.
Jean:
I wonder how long Mahomes being cool will compensate for everything else.
Trevor:
Laurent Duvernay-Tardiff is a legend. Ask our slackfaced fanbase about him, and his decision to serve as a doctor is the reason we didn't beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Maybe if you fuckers didn't run him out of town, he could have helped people at the last parade who were bleeding out because everyone at that event was in Homer Simpson's vigilante meeting.
Fiddlesticks:
Kansas City has become Boston. The fans have turned into insufferable shitheads and the team can do no wrong, even when they’re being arrested for assault, domestic abuse, drag racing, or beating a puppy to death with a Super Bowl ring.
Mitch:
The Chiefs still can't draft a WR to save their lives. Xavier Worthy is Mecole Hardman 2.0.
I am already telling everyone in Detroit, where I live, that it's nice the Lions are gonna be good and everything, but that it doesn't mean shit because we're going to threepeat. I've been a Chiefs fan for 30 years. I should NEVER have this level of confidence after some of the shit I've been through. I'm going to hell, where everyone will be doing the tomahawk chop.
Kyle:
It's wild that bringing in Swifties has doubled the collective IQ of our fanbase and halved our cholesterol.
Our owners are the second-richest in the NFL but are too cheap to renovate their league-worst locker rooms or pay for their own stadium's renovation during the most successful and visible stretch the team has ever had, which they might hear about if they didn't live out of state 95% of the year.
Now we're looking to replace one of the most iconic stadiums in American sports with a generic domed monstrosity 20 miles west that will sit next to a NASCAR track and be as lifeless as Clark Hunt's haircut.
Owen:
Kansas City is just the Bay Area of the Midwest when it comes to segregation.
Kyle:
Kansas City should be the easiest franchise in the NFL to root for. We have the best player in the NFL, he and his wife have (literally) invested in KC sports, and our most famous player is a non-problematic himbo with a wholesome family who’s dating the most famous woman in the world. We are prohibitive favorites to be the first team in NFL history to win three straight Super Bowls.
And yet. Our owner is an old-money oil robber baron who is holding an entire city and two states hostage for millions in public money for a new stadium, and the front office and coaching staff seem entirely uninterested in helping players stop committing crimes.
But what truly separates the Chiefs in terms of total suckage is the pure, traditional family values Midwest racism. The Sunday experience in Kansas City almost doubles as a Trump rally. They still beat what passes for a ceremonial Native American war drum before every home game. Herculean efforts to discourage the tomahawk chop (a sacred ritual and chant dating back all the way to... the 1990s, when the team regularly won two games a year) ring hollow when the team cheerleaders literally lead the chant during the pregame drum beating. Fans would rather see the team move to Guam than change the name.
At least the BBQ is good.
Todd:
If I hear "Our front office works with the local tribes, so our team name is actually ok" one more time, I will light everything in my sightline on fire.
Mark:
As a lifelong Chiefs fan who has lived in Chicago for almost 20 years, I thought it would be fun to go to the Bears/Chiefs game, to show my Chicago friends the wonder that is ample space for tailgating and some team-sanctioned racism. Boy, it did not disappoint. The tailgate scene was huge and produced enough large truck emissions to cause all the heat deaths in Arizona this summer, and there were too many "Trump 2024 - No More Bullshit” flags to count. One of the 50-something fans in the second row, who was wearing a 69 jersey and Mardi Gras beads, hit on the 15-year old in front of us more than once. At least it was horribly overpriced.
Fuck Harrison Butker with an offset smoker.
Izzy:
For the first time ever I'm a fan of a truly great team, and I can't enjoy it because I know every Blue Lives Matter gun hoardee in Overland Park loves it even more.
Joe's BBQ is overrated.
Gavinesq:
Harrison Butker goes off on a sexist diatribe aimed at women who want something other than a life as a homemaker, and Clark Hunt’s wife and daughter both cozy up to that bearded turd spigot.
Kevin:
Clark Hunt is a Jesus freak who won't shut up about it, and he's been outed as a cheapskate who won't invest in team facilities and services. Enjoy that F- grade in the players' poll!
The team's attempt to fleece the state and local governments for more upgrades to Arrowhead was a ridiculous shakedown attempt, in collaboration with the Royals' attempt at getting a ludicrously planned downtown stadium. It was all luxury features with no real improvements to the stadium itself, and certainly none for the abysmal parking situation.
Harrison Fucking Butker. Keep your 19th century opinions quiet, dumbfuck.
The fans are awful people to be around.
Brandon:
At the start of this year, I had thoroughly convinced myself that Mahomes would never be considered 'elite' until he won three Super Bowls this decade. Now, I think he needs five. Shoot me into the fucking sun (please make sure that Hawley & Schmitt are tied to the thrusters).
PS - It's fucking late July and I STILL cannot purchase a Kelce jersey at one of my local sports stores because the damn Swifties keep buying them up.
Aaron:
Now that the backlash is in full effect, I would like to say: Fuck all of you. Eat shit. I hope they show Taylor a billion times a game and it hurts your feelings. Mahomes and Kelce will do a thousand insufferable insurance commercials this year, and you will complain that they’re not even that good. *PALPATINE VOICE* GOOD, I CAN FEEL YOUR ANGER! LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!
That being said, this fanbase sucks. Get rid of the stupid fucking chop already. Stop wearing headdresses if you’re not Native. Go to the dentist. Stop fucking your cousins.
Ryan:
Fuck Lin Elliot again for crushing my spirits as a 12-year old. No I’m still not over it.
Special thanks to the readers, the Defector staff, and all of our guest contributors for their contributions to the series this year. Have a great season, everyone.
