Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Miami Dolphins

“I have a ton of respect for (Flores), and we have a very good relationship,” Fitzpatrick said. “But I thought it was a joke at first. We’re putting Tua [Tagovailoa] in? I was floored.”

[Chan] Gailey, who had been hired as the team’s offensive coordinator before the season, learned about the move only a few hours before his longtime quarterback. “I was in total shock,” Gailey said. “We didn’t even have a preseason. It was a totally new offense (for Tua). We were just starting to hit our stride. We’d won two in a row and scored a bunch of points and moved the ball well. It came as a shock to me.”

“That was my team,” [Ryan] Fitzpatrick said. “… I fought through the shit with those guys. I get the way that the NFL works. I get it. But to have it happen the way it did …”

“We’ve talked about this. We’ve got a system in place. We know how we’re handling that situation. I thought it went well yesterday. We’ll just continue to handle it the way we’ve talked about handling it internally. I thought it went well yesterday and we’ll continue to go the way we’ve planned to do it really since George (Godsey) and Eric (Studesville) became the co-OCs.”

(Just to be clear, you do not want to reveal if one, two or three people are calling the plays on game day?)

“No, I don’t want to reveal. It could be six people. (laughter)”

God this state sucks.

It'll snow here again before this team actually fucking does anything right.

I don't root for this team so much as passively witness their failure while nodding glumly.

This shit-soaked assrag of a franchise has made the first 20 years of this century hell, and there's no reason why the next 80 should be any different.

The most interesting thing to ever happen to them was the wildcat. 

We must talk about The Tomorrow War. In it, Chris Pratt returns from fighting a war in the future and is asked by his dad if the Dolphins still suck in the future.

Chris Pratt doesn’t answer. He just kind of ignores it and goes back to talking about the aliens that are systematically eating every human on Earth. Now, this may be because he knew his dad meant it as a joke, but I think Chris Pratt doesn’t answer because the Dolphins still do suck. He knows his dad is right. He has no comeback.

Just when I thought the Pats decline would open the path to the top, we get lapped by the Buffalo fucking Bills.

Everyone always shits on the Lions and Browns and Jaguars, but are we really that much better? No, we are not. 

Last year I bought a Ryan Fitzpatrick jersey instead of a Tua jersey because it is easier to embrace the suck than hope for the future.

I don’t know why I root for them. I’ve never even been to Miami, which at this point I’m not even sure is a real city. It might just be a CIA project.

Only the Dolphins could decide to go in the tank for the number one pick and then win five of their last nine to end up with a QB whose hip may or may not be as brittle as Glass Joe's chin.

They’ve left me with nothing to be angry about and now I miss that anger. The Dolphins are still owned by a man who gargles Trump’s balls and smiles while he does it.

Our extremely fair weather fans are forever stuck in the past and still only have three talking points whenever you speak to one:

-The perfect season (1972)

-Dan Marino (retired 1999)

-How much better the old logo was (changed 2012)

I am one of those fans.

The team’s most recent logo design removed the helmet from the dolphin. A dolphin without a helmet frightens no one, and does not produce the minimum weekly recommended level of nostalgia for a fanbase whose team’s famously annoying glory days happened when the goal posts were on the goal line.

This organization is the living embodiment of the “It’s a personal choice” crowd and I regret every second I ever spent rooting for them. 

There's literally nothing to celebrate. In a season in which they finished 11th in point differential, 12th in Football Outsiders total DVOA, the Patriots finally combusted, the Jets were a legit 0-16 threat, and the NFL added a seventh playoff team just so we could rotate also-rans like Miami into a Wild Card Saturday slot every year, it still required benching our quarterback-of-the-future (with 94 yards passing through three quarters) for a miracle win against the Raiders to stay in contention, only to reinstall him the next week and face-plant 56-26 at Buffalo in a Week 17 win-and-in scenario that even the Browns didn’t manage to fuck up.

You ever fuck something up horribly, and then try and talk yourself into thinking it's not that bad? That's this fanbase with Tua.

Our receiving corps sounds like the fake names Michael Schur uses in his shows.

I'm so tired of our yearly win against New England being our fucking Super Bowl. 

"We're just worried about today, that's where my mind is: our performance today. It's not on anything other than that.

“It wasn't good enough. Right now, I'm disappointed we didn't play well today."

First quote was from Brian Flores last season when all these fuckers needed to do was beat a Bills team with nothing to play for and they were in the playoffs. They lost. 

Second quote was from Ryan Tannehill in 2013 when all these fuckers needed to do was beat a Bills team with literally nothing to play for and they were in the playoffs. They lost. 

When you're a Dolphins fan, life is an endless treadmill of mediocrity. A series of humiliations, not interesting enough to merit sympathy yet not painful enough to ever truly jump ship. An increasingly indistinguishable blur of failure. Which incidentally seems to be the same way Tua perceives the world anytime he needs to throw more than eight yards downfield.  

Stephen Ross is a wet towel of a human. 

Having an all-time great quarterback just doesn't seem worth it.  Sometimes you get lucky but mostly the league is full of star quarterbacks who still manage to lose to a bloodless psychopath who thinks strawberries are for the weak-willed. 

If Dan Marino never existed we'd probably have Jay Fielder's grandson under center, look happily on an 8-8 season as a real sign of improvement, and we'd all be fat, happy, and die with that look of contentment on our faces that only a lifetime of unassuming mediocrity can provide.

Literal decades of failure have finally, finally, led somewhere. They've built a young roster into one that looks like a contender, they have a good head coach who seems cool and likable, they got the QB of their dreams without even having to tank to the bottom of the standings for him (and despite the narrative, he was perfectly fine last year despite being a rookie coming off of a devastating injury), and as a pleasant bonus they are one of the most vaccinated teams in the league. This Dolphins team is fun, promising, and likable, and I am excited about them for the first time since Marino retired.

So naturally, sometime before training camp they are going to absolutely annihilate all of that goodwill by trading their cool, young QB and 87 draft picks to Houston for a fucking serial predator piece of shit who would immediately make Richie Incognito the second worst person to have ever donned the aqua and orange. Or maybe they won't, and Tua will just be terrible.