Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking Graham Platner (ugh), the World Cup, imperfect movies, and more.
PROGRAMMING NOTE: I'm off to the beach next week. But we'll have a guest host manning the post to answer all of your Funbag questions while I'm out, so go ahead and email them here. Who will be our mystery writer? I do not know. Why? I cannot say. How? I do not know how to answer that. Let's move on.
Your letters:
Greg:
Which do you think is the best target for a heist? Bank? House? Boat? Museum?
Are we talking practically, or romantically? Because if it's the latter, I'm a sucker for art heists. Gets a little bit dicey when you need a fence to help resell the $78-million Rothko you just stole, but then again … I don't think I'd want to resell any of my loot. I'd make like Stephane Breitwieser, who stole a shitload of works in broad daylight and then just kept all of them. Breitwieser was in it for the love of the game, which I deeply respect. This is why I ate up that Netflix documentary on the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist. It's also why, whenever I read about an art theft in the news, I quietly pump my fist. Wouldn't be easy to steal a 10-foot Gerhard Richter original, but by God would I love to have one of those bad boys adorning my office wall next to the Vikings Fathead. I'd probably have better odds of success holding up a liquor store, but where's the beauty in that, I ask you? I don't even drink anymore.
But let's get super serious and winnow down the best target for an actual heist. Let's assume that I have to physically steal the item(s) in question, because cybercrimes are both lame and, judging by the SpaceX IPO last week, basically legal. BO-RING. A proper heist should involve safecracking, laser cutters, diamond-tipped drills, grappling hook guns, all-black attire, a getaway driver, a nerdy computer nerd who can break into the security system, and me crawling up the side of a building using giant suction cups attached to my knees and elbows. I want all that, and I want to come out of the job with pure cash: unmarked bills, no dye packs.
Now, what's the best target for that kind of prize? Well, according to this site, which I just found and may or may not be a content mill, a number of foreign countries only accept unmarked bills at their respective currency exchanges. Those countries include Greece (hmm), Italy (ooh), and Peru. Peru! That's the one. Danny Ocean and I would fly to Peru and take down that country's biggest most poorly secured currency exchange. Then we would dine on only the finest ceviches for the rest of our days. A flawless plan if there ever was one.
Scott:
I know I'm not, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on the left who isn't clutching their pearls about the Graham Planter scandal that has developed lately. What is with this constant self-sabotage the Dems constantly do to each other and themselves? A decade of Groundhog Day politics, except without the evolution!
Let me go back and explain the situation to those of you who are blissfully unaware. The state of Maine has a Senate race coming up this November. The incumbent is Republican Susan Collins, one of the most prominent "concerned" GOP Senators of the Trump years. Susan Collins sucks, and I'd shit hot knives to be rid of her forever. Deposing Collins would not only be deeply gratifying, but it could potentially give Democrats control of the Senate for the remainder of Trump 2.0. Voting against this fickle dipshit oughtta be a layup for Mainers.
HOWEVER … Collins's opponent in the general has considerable baggage. That's Democratic upstart Graham Platner, a former oyster fisherman who supports a largely progressive platform, the kind that makes Chuck Schumer weep at night. The problem is that Platner sports a Nazi tattoo on his body (he says he has regrets about it), and has been sexting on the regular with ladies he's not married to. Then, two weeks ago, The New York Times dropped a longread investigation into Platner's sordid treatment of past girlfriends that included more than a few repugnant details, including this one:
"He said this a lot: If anybody ever broke in here, I would rape them," she recalled, saying that he added that it would not be in "a sexual way, not in a gay way. He was like, I would rape them to show them that I’m dominant," she said.
That recollection comes from former girlfriend Lyndsey Fifield. Now, can I trust this woman's account, given that she's apparently worked as a Republican campaign operative? And can I trust the Times's reporting at all, given that paper's inclination to cite GOP operatives as neutral sources in just about every goddamn article they write? Or, if I dismiss these allegations, am I wishing away all of the bad shit about Platner, Nazi tat included, simply because I want Susan Collins to go down that badly?
The conversation around Platner is already enough to drive you insane, even if you don't live in Maine. Platner talks a great game politically, but also fuck, man … a Nazi tattoo? Sharpening an ax while you watch TV at home? Really? Couldn't we have found an oyster farmer who doesn't have all of the superficial trappings of Max Cady? How do I know more awful shit isn't coming down the pike with this guy? And John Fetterman seemed like a regular Joe before winning a seat in Pennsylvania and turning into 4chan Shrek. Platner's backstory practically screams a repeat of that fiasco.
Also, consider the implications here if you're a woman voter. Republicans, Susan Collins included, are hellbent on reducing you to second-class citizen status. Now your only recourse is to vote for a guy who appears to be a pig at best, and perhaps something more malevolent at worst. As if this asshole country hasn't already given you enough shit choices to make in your life.
Again, I could give myself an elephantine migraine arguing all of this shit with myself. Or I could argue about it on Bluesky if I wanted to feel even worse than that. I do not. I'm a week away from vacation, man. Also, I'm a longtime veteran of voting for candidates who I find uninspiring (John Kerry), ethically compromised (Joe Biden), or both (Hillary Clinton). In other words, if I were a Mainer, I'd still vote for Platner. Then I'd go dunk my head into a box of thumbtacks.
Matt:
I'm curious about a sentiment you shared in your Disclosure Day review, and one that I see fairly pervasively in criticism, wherein you stated that the film "…isn't a perfect movie." I'm wondering why our expectation for any piece of art should be perfection. Especially since I'd argue it's very difficult to make the case that objective "perfection" can even be achieved in art. Don't the imperfections of a given piece of media make it inherently more interesting? Are there any pieces of art you would ardently argue are "perfect"? Do you think the creators of those movies/books/albums/paintings would agree with your assessment? Do you think anything you've produced personally to date has been "perfect"?
All of my blogs are perfect, Matt. How dare you think otherwise?
Anyway, you've got a point. I've used "This isn't a perfect movie" more than once when reviewing something. In fact, I used it just the week before I wrote my review of Disclosure Day when I had to review Backrooms. Bad Drew! Oh wicked, evil, naughty Drew!
"It's not perfect" is a crutch I use when I want to communicate that I think a movie is really good, but still has a few things that I don't like. In the case of Disclosure Day, I was dealing with a filmmaker in Steven Spielberg who actually has crafted perfect films (Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark), so holding Spielberg well above the Platner standard makes at least some sense. But that's a rare circumstance, and it was still a cheap bit of writing to use that phrasing there, or anywhere else. It's a critical thirst trap. I'm trying to let you know I'm not a Pete Hammond–type fawner when I review a movie, so I'll go out of my way to nitpick certain parts to reassure you that I'm not gonna give just anything four stars. I'm also giving myself a bit of an out just in case every other critic hates the fucking thing. So then, no more of that phrase from me. It's too imperfect.
As for my own work, let me give you a serious answer. I do believe in perfect works of art, like Raiders. But I don't believe that anything I've personally written has achieved that standard. Doesn't mean I won't keep shooting for it, though. If I'm writing a novel, I want that novel to be the best possible novel I can crank out. If that novel ends up being regarded as a masterpiece on par with Moby-Dick, awesome. But I'm old enough to know that the odds of that happening are slim, because perfection is both incredibly rare and often accidental. It's also subjective. Someone out there thinks Raiders is a shitty movie. They're wrong, of course. But all art was made to be interpreted, which is what makes it beautiful. So I'll keep striving for perfection, even if I know it's not attainable. The joy is in the pursuit.
Michael:
Did you laugh, get scared, or just roll your eyes when Trump cancelled the outdoor Knicks watch party in Game 3 only to fall asleep during the game?
I felt nothing. I saw him on the TV, had a little mental groan, and then went back to enjoying the game. That's kind of my reaction to all things Trump now. I spent his first term freaking out. "Trump Derangement Syndrome," blah blah blah. This time, I have no interest in letting that man dictate my personal mood on any given day. I got a life of my own to care about, and any mental energy I expend on that lump of shit will be spent soberly recording his disgraces for the public record and looking ahead to a future without his sorry ass dominating American life.
Also, the Knicks ended up winning the title anyway, so fuck him. And fuck Jimmy Dolan, too.
Monte:
What movie(s) have you watched most in a hotel? In some order mine are probably:
1 - Con Air/The Rock
2 - A League of Their Own
3 - Speed
4 - Probably, like, Blue Streak
I never watch movies at a hotel. I check out the Adult Zone menu—you know, just to make sure it's been curated responsibly—but that's about as far as I take things when it comes to movies on the road. I'd rather just fuck around on my phone, or leave my room to find a nearby dispensary. I'm not gonna pay $20 to watch a pay-per-view movie or flip over to TBS to rewatch a movie I've already seen. That's a waste of time.
I won't even rewatch movies on an airplane. If I gotta burn clock up in the air, I'm gonna knock off a movie on my list that I haven't seen yet. This is how I ended up seeing Past Lives. An incredibly charming movie. Not perfect, but still really solid.
HALFTIME!
Pete:
There is no shade intended in this question: Would you advise someone to follow your career path?
Fuck yeah, I would! You will never hear me discourage anyone from trying to write for a living. Ditto going into journalism; I won't dissuade you. Never ever ever ever. You only get one life, and you deserve to follow your ambitions. The world is a better place when people do.
I might advise you on the best avenue to get here. After all, the reason I started in advertising was because my old man told me it would be a good way to do something creative without starving for years on end. That started me off on the crooked path to getting where I am now. I didn't follow a specific blueprint; anyone who tries that will end up disappointed. But I always had a love of writing, and a desire to get better at it. That was the one constant throughout this whole process. I'll cheer on anybody who feels that same pull.
Gord:
I'm moving to Europe in a few months after getting an EU citizenship. If you had a similar opportunity, would you head to a spot like Paris or Berlin, or would you aim for somewhere a little off the radar? What would be some of your criteria?
Well first of all, congrats on the new citizenship and getting the fuck out of here! I genuinely love that for you. Now, if I were in the same boat, I'd pick Spain. Maybe Portugal, but definitely somewhere on the Iberian Peninsula. I daydream about retiring to California one day, and Iberia is the California of Europe. I have an eye on Cadiz, almost entirely because Eddie Redmayne lives there in Day of the Jackal. But really, I'll take any Spanish town that's on the water, isn't too cramped, and has no zoning regulations against infinity pools. Boom. Done.
Dennis:
In retrospect, would we be better off if Trump had been reelected in 2020? For one we would be done with him now. Also, he likely would have just continued bumbling along for four more years without inflicting "much" more permanent damage. This time around, he and his evil cronies had four years to prepare plans (Project 2025, etc.) and then hit the ground running.
I get the argument, but my answer is no. If Trump had been re-elected, half of us would be dead of COVID and/or suicide by now. I needed that respite to get my energy back. Eight straight years of suck is too much.
Ken:
A huge pet peeve of mine is the trope of characters on TV shows or movies standing by the kitchen sink either by themselves or with another person drying dishes with a towel. I get that it's supposed to humanize them or give them a chance to interact, but it's completely unrealistic! I, and I would imagine most Americans, own a dishwasher. I have NEVER used a dish towel to dry the dishes. I also own a drying rack, where, you know, dishes DRY on their own. Thoughts?
Well this is awkward, Ken. Because I hand dry a lot of dishes using a dish towel. Yes, we own both a dishwasher and a drying rack. But we still have pots to scrub every night, and our drying rack is too small and feeble to accommodate all of them. I've built the Jenga tower of washed pots on there a few times, but the precariousness of it makes me itch. So I dry that shit—except for the Tupperware, which can never be dried by conventional means—and then it's off of my mind. I don't take long to dry these dishes. Once a pot is dry enough, back into the cabinet it goes. I certainly don't engage in any lengthy, cinematic stretches of dialogue while drying them. That's where Hollywood is taking the real creative liberties. We can talk about the aliens landing when I'm done finishing this shit. Don't bother me with it right now.
TS:
Do people really love Bob Dylan as much as they claim to? For my entire half century on this planet, he's been a fixture of every greatest artist/songwriter/musician list. I've tried listening to Bob numerous times over the years, but it never clicks. It's still torture to my ears. I understand that music is subjective, but I find it hard to believe that so many people actually love his music. It seems more likely that people say he's great because they think they're supposed to say that.
I believe you meant to send this letter to Spencer Hall, who famously rejects Dylan and all his works. I'm much more of a Dylan agnostic. I like his music whenever it comes on at, like, a department store. And of course I love a good Dylan cover. But I'm not going out of my way to listen to the man. It's all before my time. A lot of people who are super into Dylan were there for him, you know what I mean? They lived through the time when he, along with a bunch of other artists, transformed popular music. It's like how I lived through the rise of Def Leppard. Same caliber of artist, really.
As for young people who are into Dylan, that's probably some poser shit. Same as all the Steely Dan weirdoes out there (my daughter just got into Steely Dan so don't tell her I wrote this). You listen to Dylan and took up the acoustic guitar to get laid. I know your type.
That reminds me: I only watched the first half of the A Complete Unknown. I gotta finish the rest of it on an airplane sometime.
Nick:
I'm not even a Falcons fan, but I find the Michael Penix–Tua Tagovailoa QB competition fascinating. I've always wondered how NFL players who are competing for a starting job or a roster spot handle that kind of stress. Penix had no problem saying that he doesn't really give a shit what or how Tua is doing. How tense do you think the average position-group meeting room is when something like this is going on? I've never had a job where I was competing with my coworkers directly. That has to be a balls-clenching level of tension, awkwardness, and even full-blown toxic hostility, right?
First of all Nick, you are the first and last neutral fan to find anything related to the Atlanta Falcons interesting. That you latched onto a QB competition between one guy who's washed and another guy who came into the league pre-washed only makes your interest in the situation more jarring. On a pure football level, there's nothing intriguing there at all. New Falcons leadership feels zero loyalty to Penix, and Tua is a one-year placeholder. Neither man will be the starter in Atlanta in 2027. Go ahead and screenshot this paragraph if you're some freezing cold takes asshole.
The personal dynamics also aren't that much more interesting. Pro athletes always feel pressure to get playing time, and they know that playing time will come at the expense of a colleague. That's all understood the second you get drafted. So two QBs who are vying for a starting gig just have to deal with it, and the vast majority of them do. They wouldn't be pros for very long if they didn't. Ask J.J. McCarthy, who's a year away from being a color guy on the Big Ten Network.
Desk jobs work the same way, even if you may not feel that way. You're not competing for a starting QB job, but you might be competing with one another for a promotion, for a big assignment, for a better salary, or just for a fucking Employee of the Month plaque. You're free to wig out over this unspoken dynamic if you want. But the better move, just like in the NFL, is to worry about your own shit. That's all you can control.
Sara:
Driving down the interstate in the South, I passed by a Confederate monument on the side of the road. Someone had rigged a banner facing the interstate which boldly asserted to all passersby that, "Trump listens to Lynyrd Skynyrd." I am struck by the thought. I can't picture Trump enjoying any music (or really, anything with artistic value whatsoever). I'm sure he would see it as being beneath him. Am I off base? What sort of music would he enjoy?
Trump loves showtunes. This is canon. It's why he took over the Trump Kennedy Center and then covered it up with a tarp after a judge wouldn't let keep him name on the front of it. To Trump, Broadway is the big time, and there's nothing that little man craves more than being big time. It's almost, almost endearing that the biggest asshole of the 21st century is secretly an old yenta who loves gossiping on the phone and scoring tickets to Streisand whenever Babs is in town.
I have never heard Skynyrd played at a Trump rally, and I know damn well that President 52-inch Waistband curates those playlists himself. So I have no idea whether that "Trump listens to Lynyrd Skynyrd" banner is a taunt, or just a Trump supporter who doesn't know that their overlord has the same taste in music as Jack from Will & Grace.
Glen:
Watching the World Cup in your football stadiums and seeing the beautiful natural grass, I wish the NFL would take a lesson and ban plastic pitches. As someone who grew up in England, Luton Town to this day are admonished for their ridiculous plastic pitch back in the 1980s. During the NFL season, I decide what game to watch based on whether or not the field (aka pitch) is natural.
The NFLPA has already taken note of all the temp grass fields across the US for this World Cup and demanded that owners install natural surfaces in every stadium. The owners will accede to this demand the second they get the union to give back five percent of the revenue split and cave on a 20-game regular season.
This World Cup has given American viewers like me a strange glimpse of a slightly better NFL. Every field is natural grass, and FIFA banned networks from referring to any stadium by its sponsored name. I was so jarred seeing a "Seattle Stadium" graphic on Fox that I almost felt uncomfortable. Then I realized that I was looking at a brand-free utopia that will last only four weeks before the deluge returns. Bittersweet.
Email of the week!
Brian:
I genuinely love NYC, and consider it to be one of the best places in the world. One thing that did bother me when living there is the seemingly outsized attention that anything New York–related receives. This was especially evident after leaving the city (I live abroad now). Personally, I have found the attention foisted on the Knicks these past few weeks to be extremely annoying. I get that NYC is the media capital of America and home of many Defectorians, but the Knicks coverage has been excessive and exhausting. For instance, no one is reporting about watch parties for the Carolina Hurricanes or what the vibes are like around Raleigh. Nor did we see such coverage for past NBA champions. Aside from playing in the largest media market, I do not see what is particularly special or noteworthy about the Knicks that distinguishes them from any other professional sports champion. Am I wrong to be sick of hearing about the fucking Knicks? Granted, I am not a ball-knower, and I am originally from Philadelphia so it's possible I am just a big hater.
That last sentence gave you away, Brian. But I do want to be balanced, so your grievance about East Coast Bias has been noted for posterity.
That said, the only way you’ll see a Hurricanes watch party on this site is if someone accidentally shoots themselves in the dick in the middle of one.
