Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about college football, Reacher, unsalted snacks, and more.
Your letters:
Elliott:
What is the optimal concert start time and length? On one end, I went to see Liam Gallagher in D.C. a few years back for an 8 p.m. show that started at 8:03 and was over by 8:52! There were sad millennials entering the theater with their beers as we were leaving and I had to tell them the show was over. On the other hand, I'm going to see Snoop Dogg/Wu-Tang soon and I fear that show may not START until 11 p.m. What's the concert sweet spot?
Depends on your age, doesn’t it? I do like concerts that end in time for me to still get a good night’s sleep, but that’s because I’m old and decrepit. No young person who pregames until 10:30 p.m. before hitting the town is gonna like that scheduling, and Wu-Tang isn’t gonna go on at dinnertime just to accommodate a handful of ancients in the crowd. So I’m gonna split the baby here and say that the best time for a headliner to take the stage is 9:00 p.m., for a set that lasts 90 minutes including the encore. If I’m seeing a band that has a deep catalog, like Metallica or QOTSA, they can go ahead and play for two-plus hours. Otherwise, I like my concert sets to be fast and tight.
While we’re on the subject, I don’t know which baffles me more: Bruce Springsteen still playing for four hours at a time, or the boomers who are willing to endure him doing it. Every one of that guy’s shows should have a emergency orthopedic team on standby.
Phillip:
I started reading Reacher's Wikipedia entry while watching this week's episode. They note that during Season 4 production, President Biden and Hunter Biden visited the set. This means Biden is a Reacher guy, something I think we all intuitively knew even if never reported. Do you think every living former US President is a Reacher guy?
Probably, because all presidents have middling taste in pop culture, or they just like whatever the polling data tells them to like. I know that Barack Obama loves to issue his annual list of “Cultural content that I found highly tasteful,” but he doesn’t watch/read/listen to any of that shit. Those lists have been passed through a series of six different consulting firms before going to his social media team. There’s nothing that Democrats love more than turning everything into a byzantine lawmaking process.
By the way, I gave Reacher a try and bailed midway through the first season. I thought that show would consist of nothing but Jack Reacher fucking bad guys up. Instead, I got Reacher talking, trying to get to the bottom of some podunk town conspiracy with a bunch of boring cops. Then I started watching Banshee instead, and THAT is the show that I wanted Reacher to be. Antony Starr, aka Affordable Bradley Cooper, plays an ex-con who goes incognito as a sheriff in an Amish town where his old girlfriend is married to the DA. Does the storyline of Banshee hold up to the barest amount of real world scrutiny? No. Do I give a shit? Also no. Every episode is light on talk and heavy on people getting savagely beaten before they fuck the pain away. When a TV show gives me the STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT warning with every opening sequence, that’s when I know I’ve got a keeper. The spirit of Cinemax lives on with Banshee.
Jack:
Do you think college sports (football in particular) could ever become fully separate from academics? As in, could we just create a true amateur football minor league and leave the schools out of it? It seems to me that almost everyone would benefit from this.
College sports divorced itself from academia sometime during the Barry Switzer years at Oklahoma, if not much earlier. The advent of NIL payments, along with the college GMs now tasked with managing roster payrolls, has only made it easier for colleges to stop pretending that “student-athletes” were ever a thing to begin with.
That doesn’t mean that Georgia football is gonna end all superficial affiliations with the University of Georgia and become the Athens Bulldogs of the XFL. There’s too much value in the college football brand—and also too much TV money at stake—for these programs to ever go fully independent. We’ve already had minor league football around for decades—professional minor leagues; “amateur minor league” is an oxymoron—in the form of the UFL/XFL/WLAF/USFL, and no one watches it. But everyone watches college football, so that’s where the money will stay.
Ted Cruz is already working feverishly to ensure this remains the case, and he’s more likely to succeed than not, because of corruption. Besides, the NFL is more than happy to let college football groom all future prospects for free. This is the system we have and will always have. I’d complain, but did you see Oregon get exposed as utterly fraudulent by sorry-ass Okie State this past weekend? Hoo boy that was some good teevee.
Hamner:
Seems to me that every notable hitter from the 1920s through the 1960s has at least one black & white photo of them where they’re holding more than one bat. We get into the 70s, none. And I don’t think they’ve shot one since. What killed the stunt photo of a guy holding multiple bats? Bat weights? Moving away from Louisville Sluggers? Cocaine? Color film? Integration?
If I had to guess, it was the invention of batting donuts. Back when I played youth baseball, we only had one donut for the whole team, so a lot of us would swing multiple bats at once to warm up before reaching the on-deck circle. Same logic probably applied back in Babe Ruth’s day.
However, I refuse to discount the idea that 1920s Americans thought swinging multiple bats made you extra manly, powerful enough to defeat the Kaiser single-handedly. I can also imagine Ruth himself endorsing a daily three-bat regimen to promote hair growth and rid the body of unwanted humors. “For longer life, swing Eastons!”
Josh:
My dad passed in 2019, and to this day, even though I’m 49 and have plenty of life experience, I still have those moments where I wish I could ask him things about money or business, stuff around the house, insurance policies, car stuff, etc. The stuff I just know he’d be able to give me advice or perspective on. Dad (or parent) questions, for lack of a better term. Assuming you also have those moments since your dad passed, do you think that ever goes away?
You never stop missing your deceased loved ones. You wouldn’t love them otherwise. But when my dad passed two years ago, I felt like he had given me everything I needed to make it out there on my own. By the end, us kids were the ones giving him advice on basic things, especially tech shit. That’s how the circle of life works. Or at least, how it’s supposed to work. So if I’m ever in a jam now, I take comfort in the fact that my folks raised me (and my siblings) to figure out problems on our own, or to seek out the right people for answers.
I do think about my dad in such moments. I think about him every day, of course. But they’re fond thoughts, not bittersweet ones. Because ever since Dad passed away, I’ve been able to empathize with him more than I ever have. I can recognize him at 49 in myself at 49, if that makes sense. I can intuit all of the things he didn’t know at that age, and how much more he had to learn. Every year he’s gone, I get another year closer to the age at which he died (82). I’m seeing his past through my own eyes as I continue in his footsteps. So I don’t really think of him as gone. As long as I live on, so does he. And for that, I am grateful. I say hi to his picture every day, and it makes me happy. I’m also grateful I don’t have to help the old man set up a new iPhone ever again.
Charlie:
Why have people been blabbing about DVOA for years when comparing NFL teams, when seemingly only a handful of people know how it's calculated?
Because Aaron Schatz is the dude who built the DVOA model, and everyone who knows football trusts that man. Also DVOA has proven to be a good indicator of future team performance. Unless it says nice things about the Packers, in which case I deem Schatz’s formula to be trash.
Mike:
What’s the worst justification you’ve ever heard for your team sucking? After losing their third game of the college football season, a high school teacher of mine said, “it’s good we got the loss out of the way early. Now we know where we need to be.” The team proceeded to lose seven games that season and fired their coach before the last game was over. “Now we know where we need to be,” my ass.
“They’re young!” That’s always the worst kind of excuse for a bad team, because it implies that, if you simply give them time, they’ll magically cease to be bad. That’s not a shitty team you’re watching out there you see, but a future great one! How many fruitless rebuild jobs have you and I been sold with this kinda pitch? How many times have you scoffed at that explanation but quietly agreed with it, mostly as an excuse to keep tuning into your horrible, horrible team? No wonder the NFL draft does such insane numbers every year. It lets teams and fanbases reload on self-justifying bullshit for a whole other year, and beyond.
Not me, though. I know better than to get fished in by that kind of nonsense.
[On a whim I pick the Titans to win the AFC South and then watch Cam Ward fart all over himself against the Jets in Week 1]
Just give that young man some time! The light will go on!
Pete:
Do you find it odd that no U.S. President, after leaving office, has divorced his wife and married someone younger?* These are incredibly rich, incredibly wealthy, horny old men who are never going to work another day in their lives.
Yeah but after leaving office they’re standard bearers for their respective parties, and they love to imagine that they’re still in the game after the job is over. That’s why the Clintons never divorced, even though Bill and Hillary probably haven’t shared a bed together since the 1980s. Once you’re a creature of politics, you’re always a creature of politics.
That even goes for Trump, who could give two shits about his wife (the feeling is clearly mutual) but cares far too much about his image to ever file divorce papers. Donald Trump loves pretend that he’s the world’s richest man and that he’s married to world’s hottest lady. Reality has no chance against that brand of narcissism.
Nate:
What's worse, being served a burger and discovering it didn't come with fries, or opening a bag of nuts and realizing you bought them raw and unsalted? Both happened to me today, and I just want to start over.
Oh, the unsalted thing. If my burger doesn’t come with fries, at least I still get a burger out of the transaction. But when you unwittingly purchase an unsalted/lowfat/zero sugar version of a product you would have otherwise normally enjoyed, then the whole affair is ruined. I accidentally bought my family unsalted tortilla chips the other day. CAN YOU IMAGINE?! I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart.
This serves as a reminder to always, always, double check the packaging at the grocery store. There’s nothing the brands love more than sticking stevia in someplace where it isn’t wanted, or selling an unleavened version of Goldfish crackers to appease some MAHA moms out in the exurbs or whatever. You gotta make sure that the shit you’re buying is the shit you want, and reading the packaging carefully (as in, for five seconds) helps ensure this is the case.
Seriously man … unsalted tortilla chips. What the fuck are we even doing here.
HALFTIME!
Mark:
Are all hot dogs the same? I mean brands, although I couldn't tell the difference between an "all beef" and not all beef frank. I've lived my whole life in the greater Philadelphia area so I enjoy Phillies Franks, but I've heard people in other cities rave about their Dodger Dogs, Fenway Franks, etc. Then there's your major national brands like Oscar Meyer, Nathan's, Ball Park, Hebrew National, and then whatever local/store brands there are. But they're all the same, right?
They’re definitely all made from lips and assholes, but I’ll take a Hebrew National frank over an Oscar Meyer. I’m sure part of that is just me being a slave to the brands and assuming that one brand is higher quality than the other. Also, I assume that an all-beef dog is “healthier” than its mixed-meat counterparts, which is a distinctly American form of idiocy that I’m practicing. “Oh please, give me the hot dog that’s 30-percent asshole-free!”
But I do notice when I’m eating an exceptionally good hot dog. If the weiner has a good snap to it on first bite, and I can see the juices running out of that fucker once my teeth have split it open, that’s a superior hot dog. I’ve had frankfurters in Germany, so I have some measure of expertise in this area. Won’t stop me from eating trash hot dogs, but I savor the true dogs whenever I encounter them.
Robbie:
I listen to/watch lots of media slightly sped up—podcasts, audiobooks, YouTube videos—and seemingly regardless of the app/medium, if you increase the speed, the remaining time left doesn’t change. Instead, the amount of time already played just kind of jumps ahead quickly at regular intervals. Based on the fact that all of these sources make it possible to increase the speed of playback, it stands to reason that lots of people would agree with me that this is annoying. I guess my real question is am I too high? Because I’m pretty sure I am.
No no, that’s also an acceptable sober person complaint. Now I’m the kind of annoying purist who never speeds up his media and looks downish on those who do. But that’s beside the point here. If you speed up a podcast, the app should be programmed to reflect that back to you in the running time. I’m sure this sort of fix takes much longer to implement than I, a non-coder, blithely assume it might. But also … FUCK YOU SPOTIFY. You have billions of dollars at your disposal and it’s all going to Joe Rogan instead of towards a decent user interface! You go to hell, or whatever the Swedish equivalent of hell is! It’s probably called Duumsbord or something!
Chris:
Who is more \m/ metal, Iron Man or Thor?
Iron Man, because he’s a mortal. Superheroes who are just gods are cheating the game, as far as I’m concerned. That’s why I never cared about Thor. Plus Iron Man has that bitchin’ suit. Why do you think Sabbath wrote that whole song about him?
Gellman:
As a fellow name-o-phile, let’s breakdown the name Shaquille, because I find it extremely fascinating. Since 2010, 18 years after Shaquille O’Neal's NBA debut, there have been 15+ pro level college and pro athletes with the name Shaquille (or some spelling variation), and countless other college athletes who aren’t pro-level. Here are the stats for reference:
1992: 524 babies named Shaquille
1993: 1,784
1994: 1,272
1995-1999: give or take 700
2000: 1,432
2001: 1,551
2002: 1,392
2003: 1,212
2004 onward: give or take 500
This begs the question: Has there ever been a unique name like Shaquille that has driven this much success in sports? That's a lot of Shaquille-named babies who are doing awesome. I honestly cannot think of a similar name situation, despite Shaq playing a number of years with Anfernee Hardaway and another few years with Kobe. I haven’t seen any kids named Latrell lately, and Latrell had mouths to feed.
Less important question: How shitty must it be to be the scrawny kid named Shaq who loves computer programming and Minecraft? Kinda like my buddy who named his kid Thor, poor kid who is doomed to be 'that guy' in any conversation.
OK but there like multiple Kobe Bryants (with the first name spelled in variants) all over the place, which is both confusing and irritating.
What I like about the growth of “Shaquille” as a baby name is that, and this is me editorializing, it’s more about the name than the man who inspired it. Shaq was cool as shit back in his playing days—at least before he discovered his appetite—and the name only added to his allure. I remember the first time I’d ever heard of Shaquille O’Neal, back when he was playing for LSU, I thought to myself, “Holy shit, that’s a cool name.” I hadn’t seen the guy play yet. Didn’t even know what he looked like. But I was still like, “I would hang out with a man who has this name.” Because it IS a cool name, especially when you pull the nickname Shaq from it. One strong syllable, AND I get a Q on the end of it? And the name “Shaquille” is a variant on the Arabic word “shakil,” which means “handsome”? Fucking rock and roll! No wonder the name has stuck even though the original Shaq has grown old and surly.
I wouldn’t even mind being named Shaq if I was some scrawny little dork. It’s not like dorks named Millard are any better off.
Barry:
I made a big mistake by watching a movie from years ago that I liked. I watched it just now and I can't tell you how much I HATED IT!!! Good Will Grunting. No, Robin Williams does NOT shine in dramatic roles. He's affected with a stick up his ass. And no earth-shattering math genius gets beyond fourth grade without being recognized. And nobody likes them apples. Kill me please if I ever have to hear that Southie Accent ever again. I do like Minnie Driver, though. She's a peach. What movie did you love when it came out that you now can't stand?
Props to Barry for going the full local newspaper hack and retitling Good Will Hunting to Good Will Grunting. Bill Plaschke would be proud of you, sir. Also I re-watched that movie a couple of years ago with our daughter and, sorry Barry, I still thought it was excellent. Robin Williams more than deserved that Oscar. If only the Academy would finally crown Stellan Skarsgård while he’s still at the peak of his powers.
As for your question, I recently tried re-watching Die Hard 2, a movie I loved back when I was a tween, and couldn’t make it longer than a few minutes. This wasn’t a matter of datedness. “This didn’t age well!” remains the lowest form of criticism, and I sneer at those who propagate it. No, Die Hard 2 is just a shitty movie. The plot is a straight rehash, the script is lousy, the direction is boilerplate, and Dennis Franz’s asshole cop suddenly getting the Christmas spirit at movie’s end is corny as shit. The only good Die Hard movie is the first one. Your incoming pleas for me to reconsider Die Hard With A Vengeance will be ignored.
Wayne:
Last night I brought home some fried chicken and wedges from the convenience store. I had some coleslaw in the fridge and a nice brand of sourdough biscuits in the cupboard. When I took the biscuits out there, was a pea-sized bit of mold on each biscuit. I just flicked the bits off, warmed the biscuits in the oven, and then ate. Am I disgusting, going to make myself violently sick, or just thrifty? P.S. It is noon the next day and I am not sick.
I usually throw the whole loaf out. It’s not worth the risk. More important, if I forgive a mold spot here and there, how lax will I get in my food inspection as I get older? You and I know both know old fogies who’ll leave a cake/pie/loaf of bread out on the kitchen counter for a month straight—until visible mushrooms are growing on top of the fucking thing—and then keep serving it to people. I never want to become one of those weirdos if I can help it, so prevention starts NOW. I used to play the lazy bachelor and occasionally cut out the bread mold on a few occasions, but those days are gone. If there are spores growing anywhere on my baked goods, fuck that shit.
Email of the week!
Patrick:
A few months ago, I was stuck attending a bachelor party in fucking Scottsdale. I agreed to be a groomsman long ago. In the time since then, I have grown apart from the groom and the other groomsmen. Nothing acrimonious or dramatic, we're just different people now. So I went mostly out of obligation, not wanting to harsh vibes, etc. This group was big on the whole "going to a strip club" part of the bachelor party. I'm 45 and not a fan.
Again, not wanting to make waves, I stayed with the group as we entered a lovely establishment at 3:00 pm. On a Thursday. I made my way to the far end of the bar, the furthest from the stage, and ordered my two-drink minimum. While sitting there, it dawned on me just how old I now am. Ever have those moments? As I was pondering my life choices, I decided that if I was offered a dance, I would need to know where that dancer was on September 11th. Like, not that she was alive, but that she was old enough to remember it. That felt like a good "age minimum". This new criteria had the added benefit of ruining any attempt at small talk. My question to you is, do you think every generation has someone that goes through this dilemma? Is there some other miserable guy out there who once asked a dancer where she was when JFK was shot? Related: I haven't spoken to this group of guys since.
Please do not ask a stripper where they were during 9/11.
