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Last year, we were learning how to live in quarantine. This year, we’ve perfected it: Boredom, curiosity, horniness, and an awful lot of time stuck at home have combined to make it a banner 12 months for shoving objects inside ourselves that cannot be removed without the aid of a trained professional. Here now, the traditional holiday recounting of the weirdest stuff hospitals found in America’s holes.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and jesus christ what no don’t put that there that doesn’t go there.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

  • CHRISTMAS LIGHT BULB
  • MELATONIN GUMMY
  • ESPRESSO BEANS
  • “WAS AT SCHOOL TODAY WHEN SHE HAD A PENCIL IN HER LEFT EAR AND BROKE THE ERASER OFF INSIDE OF HER EAR. PATIENT ALSO HAD ANOTHER ERASER PLACED IN THE RIGHT EAR THREE DAYS AGO.”
  • HAIRPIN
  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • TOILET PAPER AND APPLE SEED
  • ​​”PT AND FRIEND WERE PLAYING WITH A BB GUN PT GRABBED SOME BB’S OFF THE GROUND IN HAND TRIED TO WIPE THEM OFF NEAR HEAD WHEN ONE BB FELL INTO HIS EAR. TRIED TO REMOVE PT PUSHED IN FURTHER.”
  • LOLLIPOP
  • GOOGLY EYE
  • MATCH
  • “THROWING BEADS AT HER FRIEND THEN THREW ONE AT HERSELF AND IT LODGED IN HER EAR”
  • “WHILE AT RECESS SOME FRIENDS BROKE APART A NECKLACE AND STARTED THROWING AROUND THE BEADS FROM THE NECKLACE AND ONE LANDED IN PT’S LT EAR UNABLE TO REMOVE IT”
  • WOODEN END OF PAINTBRUSH
  • PIECE OF CAKE
  • CHOPSTICK
  • “PT STATES HE WAS PLAYING HIS BAGPIPES AND USUALLY WEARS EARPLUGS BUT EARPLUG GOT STUCK IN EAR AND HE CANNOT RETRIEVE.”
  • MOTHBALL
  • EUCALYPTUS OIL
  • BLEACH
  • GASOLINE
  • HOT MILK
  • “PUT THE END OF A BALLPOINT PEN IN THE EAR CANAL AND IT GOT LODGED AND THE PRISON STAFF WAS NOT ABLE TO REMOVE IT.”
  • SEASHELL
  • CIRCUS PEANUT
  • PACKING PEANUT
  • STICKY PUTTY
  • “EAR PAIN AFTER USING CANDLE WAX & TWEEZERS TO REMOVE SOMETHING FROM EAR”
  • BEAN
  • TIC TAC
  • “WAS PLAYING WITH HER HAIR AND TRYING TO PUT IT UP WITH A PHONE CHARGER. STATES THE END OF THE CHARGER WENT INTO HER EAR.”
  • BALL PUMP
  • COTTON BALLS AND PLASTIC TOY SWORD
  • “PLAYING WITH TOY WRESTLER AND TOOK OUT SMALL BATTERY AND WAS PRETENDING IT WAS AN EARRING AT WHICH POINT IT FELL INTO HIS EAR CANAL”
  • NOODLES
  • “WAS TIRED OF HEARING HER MOTHER YELL AT HER SO SHE DECIDED TO PUT SOME STICKERS IN BOTH EARS”
  • ALUMINUM FOIL, GLITTER, AND RHINESTONES

Nose

  • ALUMINUM FOIL
  • RUBBER SNAKE
  • PINK BALLOON
  • “STUCK A ‘HARD POOP’ UP HER NOSE THAT SHE FOUND IN HER SISTER’S DRAWER IN THE BEDROOM”
  • MULCH
  • “PUT METAL WIRE UP THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS NOSE IN ORDER TO UNCLOG HIS SINUSES CAUSING BLEEDING”
  • POTATO CHIP BAG
  • CANDY CORN
  • GUM WRAPPER
  • “WAS PICKING HER NOSE WITH A COFFEE STIRRER AND IT BROKE OFF IN HER NOSE, SHE REPORTS TRYING TO GET IT OUT BUT IT WENT UP FURTHER”
  • DOLL HEAD
  • BULLET
  • “WAS HELPING MOM FOLD CLOTHES AND INSERTED WHITE STRING INTO RIGHT NOSTRIL”
  • SODA CAN TAB
  • DISH SOAP
  • ROCK FROM FISH TANK
  • “PT WAS ATTEMPTING TO ‘PIERCE HER OWN NOSE’ WHEN SHE ACCIDENTALLY STUCK A BEAD UP HER L NOSTRIL.”
  • CAT FOOD
  • TOY PILL THAT EXPANDS INTO SPONGE DINOSAUR
  • NUMBER 8 BUTTON FROM THE TV REMOTE
  • “WITH HER PARENTS MOM DISCOVERED A PLASTIC BEAD STRUCK IN RT NOSTRIL TWIN SISTER W/ SAME PROBLEM”

Throat

  • “WAS HOLDING PILL IN ONE HAND & HIS EAR BUD IN THE OTHER HAND, GOT DISTRACTED & TOOK THE EAR BUD INSTEAD”
  • “WAS AT HOME EATING POPCORN WHILE HOLDING COINS AND MIXED THEM TOGETHER.”
  • VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE
  • “WAS IN THE HOSPITAL LOBBY CHEWING ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE CAP WHEN SHE ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”
  • RING POP
  • MOOD RING
  • SIM CARD
  • USB CABLE
  • “INHALED A SEWING NEEDLE IN A PLASTIC TUBE WITH A STRING ATTACHED WHEN TRYING TO USE IT AS A BLOWDART”
  • MIRROR
  • MAGNIFYING GLASS
  • SEVERAL SMALL FISHING SINKERS
  • “WAS SWINGING IN A SWING AND HIS BROTHER THREW SOME GRAVEL IN HIS FACE AND HE INHALED SOME”
  • COLOGNE SAMPLE
  • MOM’S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
  • UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF MARBLES
  • STICKY HAND TOY
  • “WAS PLAYING IN A SOCCER GAME W/ FRIENDS. HE HAD A THUMB TACK IN HIS MOUTH AND WHEN HE GOT EXCITED HE ASPIRATED THE THUMB TACK”
  • WRAPPED CANDY
    GOLF PENCIL AND 5-8 HAIR BEADS
  • “SWALLOWED A PENNY BECAUSE SHE SAYS SHE IS A ‘HUMAN PIGGY BANK’”
  • “PER MOM SHE WAS LOOKING FOR HER CAR REMOTE & SAID OUT LOUD ‘WHERE IS THE BATTERY THAT GOES IN HERE’  PT REPLIED, ‘I ATE IT’”
  • CEILING TILE
  • HELLO KITTY
  • GUITAR PICK
  • “HE WAS DRINKING A SODA AND SAW A NAIL AT THE BOTTOM, STATES KIDS PLACED 2 NAILS IN THE DRINK, HE SWALLOWED 1”
  • SMALL JUGGLING BALL
  • QUARTER USED IN MAGIC TRICK
  • POKER CHIP
  • GOLF BALL MARKER
  • “TRYING TO DO A PLASTIC BAG CHALLENGE – FILLED A PLASTIC BAG WITH LIQUID AND POPPING THE BAG WHILE TRYING TO SWALLOW THE LIQUID – SWALLOWED A PIECE OF THE BAG”
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
  • 3 CHRISTMAS TREE HOOKS
    FIVE-POINTED STAR
  • JINGLE BELL
  • “SWALLOWED A WATER BOTTLE CAP, NORMALLY POKES A HOLE IN THE CAP AND DRINKS  THROUGH THE HOLE, BUT THIS TIME CAP CAME OFF WHEN ATTEMPTING TO DRINK AND HE SWALLOWED IT”
  • BEE
  • ENGAGEMENT RING
  • “CONFETTI, STARTED COUGHING, SOME CAME UP”

Penis

  • PLASTIC FORK
  • SPORK
  • FOUR PLASTIC SPOONS
  • MARBLE
  • SCREW AND PIECE OF PEN
  • TAPE AND PAPER
  • “PUT A CHOPSTICK IN HIS URETHRA LAST NIGHT TO MAKE HIS PENIS LONGER AND WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE IT”
  • BEADS ON STRING
  • CLOTHING PRICE TAG
  • END OF A RAT TAIL COMB
  • TWO TWEEZERS
  • “HEADPHONES CORD TO PREVENT WET DREAMS”
  • NAILS
  • HEX KEY
  • DART
  • BREAD TWIST TIE
  • PIECE OF METAL FROM COVID MASK
  • “WHILE MASTURBATING WITH A SEWING NEEDLE HE LOST CONTROL OF THE NEEDLE AND IT DISAPPEARED INTO THE MEATUS OF HIS PENIS”

Vagina

  • SPIKED PENIS RING
  • TWO HALVES OF BROKEN COLORED PENCIL
  • DISPOSABLE RAZOR
  • HAIRBRUSH
  • BARBELL
  • PILL BOTTLE
  • TWO BATTERIES
  • PENNY AND SHAMPOO CAP
  • “PATIENT WAS HAVING SEX WITH HER BOYFRIEND LAST NIGHT AND A VIBRATOR WAS PLACED IN HER VAGINA IT IS STILL VIBRATING AND IS STUCK”
  • TOY DINOSAURS
  • CANDLE
  • A UNICORN
  • HUSBAND’S WEDDING RING
  • GLOW-IN-THE-DARK BALL
  • DETERGENT POD
  • SPIDER-MAN ACTION FIGURE

Rectum

  • BOTTLE CAP
  • PLASTIC SODA BOTTLE
  • “WAS ‘JOKING AROUND WITH FRIENDS’ WHEN JOKE WAS TAKEN TOO FAR AND A CAN WAS PUT INTO HIS RECTUM”
  • CLICK GEL PEN
  • BRONZE HANDLE OF A TOOL
  • 2 BATTERIES
  • GLUE BOTTLE
  • “WENT TO SIT DOWN IN THE BATHTUB AND SAT ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH THAT WENT INTO HIS RECTUM”
  • FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER
  • PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER
  • TOOTHBRUSH CASE
  • PUMP ACTION PLASTIC ALCOHOL DISPENSER
  • BAR OF SOAP
  • ROLLING PIN
  • “STATES HE AND HIS WIFE WERE HAVING SEX WHEN SHE PLACED A RUBBER PENIS IN HIS RECTUM AND IT BROKE OFF”
  • “STUCK PLASTIC TOILET PAPER HOLDER IN RECTUM DURING SEXUAL ENCOUNTER W/ PARTNER WHILE INTOXICATED”
  • “REPORTS WAS ‘PLAYING WITH MY WIFE’ WHEN THE CAP OF AN AEROSOL CAN BECAME DISLODGED & STUCK IN HIS RECTUM”
  • RUBBER BALL
  • SQUISHY BALL
  • STRESS BALL
  • BILLIARD BALL
  • “PT STATES WAS ATTEMPTING TO HOLD A BALL IN GLUTEAL FOLD & BELIEVES GOT LOST. NOT 100% THAT BALL IS IN RECTUM”
  • TOY DINOSAUR
  • TOY ROCKET
  • PUZZLE PIECES
  • “SOME MARBLES”
  • HEXBUG ROBOTIC TOY
  • “STATES HE AND HIS FRIENDS HAD A PRACTICAL JOKE GOING ON EACH OTHER. THIS TIME, HE WAS SLEEPING WHEN HIS FRIEND PUT A DILDO IN HIS RECTUM AND NOW UNABLE TO GET IT OUT”
  • SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • LOTION BOTTLE
  • HAIRSPRAY
  • “HAVING TROUBLE GOING POOP SO HE PLACED A MECHANICAL PENCIL IN HIS RECTUM. PT NOW UNABLE TO REMOVE. PENCIL IS STICKING OUT.”
  • MAGIC DICE
  • HEAD OF ACTION FIGURE
  • TWEEZERS
  • SCISSOR TONGS
  • TOWEL WITH A SOCK OVER IT & GLOVE OVER THE SOCK
  • AXE BODY SPRAY
  • 12″ KNIFE HANDLE-FIRST
  • “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND BELIEVES THAT HE MAY HAVE PLACED A NICKEL AND A DIME INTO HIS RECTUM.”
  • LIGHT BULB
  • GRASS AND GOLF TEE
  • CARROT
  • LOTTERY TICKET
  • “FOREIGN BODY IN HIS RECTUM. HE STATES HE ‘BELIEVES IT IS A VAPE’ AND IS NOT ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS.”

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