Skip to contents
Year In Review

What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

Look, I get it. I do. You’re stuck inside. It’s cold and dark outside. You’re bored. That vaguely cylindrical object is calling to you. But resist! There are many things out there are specifically designed for you to self-insert. There are many, many more that aren’t, yet still end up inside America’s holes. This annual post honors the latter. Consider it a PSA, and reconsider that object; aren’t our doctors and nurses busy enough these days?

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and hey don’t put that in there, you might lose it.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

  • COFFEE GROUNDS
  • RUBBER BANDS
  • SEVERAL HAIR BANDS
  • “PATIENT’S SIBLINGS PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN PATIENT’S RIGHT EAR TRYING TO SHOW HIM A MAGIC TRICK”
  • LOLLIPOP
  • TOY SWORD
  • “TAKES SHOWER WITH EARPLUGS IN EARS IN ATTEMPT TO PREVENT WATER FROM GOING IN & NOW EARPLUG IS STUCK IN LEFT EAR”
  • BOBBY PIN
  • HAIRPIN
  • HAIR TRIMMER ATTACHMENT
  • “FOUND A BEAD AND PLACED IT IN HIS EAR SO HE WOULDN’T LOSE IT”
  • TOY DINOSAUR
  • TWEEZERS
  • FIBERGLASS
  • “CAR WAS REAR-ENDED AND HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE BACK OF THE FRONT SEAT, C/O HEADACHES SINCE, ALSO PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS RIGHT EAR 1 MONTH AGO”
  • TOOTH
  • COMB TOOTH
  • DOG TOOTH
  • “WAS SLEEPING WHEN HER 4 YO CHILD BROKE WOODEN TIP OF A PAINT BRUSH AND PUT IT IN HER EAR”
  • PEN CAP
  • MARKER TIP
  • NAIL
  • “WAS EXPERIENCING PAIN IN EAR SO ROLLED UP PIECES OF PAPER TO PUT INSIDE IT. CHANGED THEM OUT A FEW TIMES WHEN THE LAST ONE BECAME STUCK IN EAR”
  • PEARL
  • PIECE OF WICKER CLOTHES HAMPER
  • “PUT A CRAYON IN EACH EAR IN SCHOOL. CRAYON REMOVED FROM RIGHT EAR BUT NOT FROM LEFT”
  • NECKLACE
  • BRACELET
  • RECEIPT
  • CLAY
  • “HAD EARBUDS IN HIS EARS UNDER HIS SNOWMOBILE HELMET HIT A WATER BAR AND HIS HELMET PUSHED HIS EAR BUDS DEEP INTO HIS EAR”
  • PLASTIC MAGIC WAND
  • CANDLE WAX
  • BLUE SLIME
  • “PLACED BBS IN EAR BUDS AND FORGOT THERE WERE IN THERE. STUCK THE EAR BUDS ON AND NOW HAS 2 BBS LODGED IN EAR”
  • SODA CAN TAB
  • PLASTIC SPOON
  • “FELT LIKE SOMETHING THERE. BURNING SENSATION, FLUSHED THE EAR AND A WORM FLUSHED OUT”
  • AIRSOFT PELLET, PIECE OF PURPLE CRAYON, SMALL ROCK (ALL SAME PATIENT)

Nose

  • EARPLUG
  • CONFETTI
  • BALLOON
  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • FAKE DIAMOND
  • FLOWER
  • SUNFLOWER SEED
  • TOY CAR TIRE
  • TOY LIZARD TAIL
  • STEEL NUT
  • QUITE A BIT OF TISSUE PAPER
  • MINI FLASHLIGHT
  • MINI BOWLING PIN
  • SPONGE
  • TOY CARROT
  • BREAD
  • POM POM
  • GOOGLY EYE
  • SISTER’S HAIR
  • 2 BATTERIES
  • PEANUT

Throat

  • DISPOSABLE STRAW
  • METAL STRAW
  • PLASTIC FORK
  • PLASTIC CUP
  • PLASTIC JAIL WRISTBAND
  • CAT TOY
  • BIB
  • PIECE OF SOCK
  • “A BEE OR A WASP”
  • SMALL POOL BALL
  • HONEY
  • TIP OF KNIFE
  • METAL PIPE
  • SEWING NEEDLE
  • ELECTRICAL TAPE
  • THERMOMETER
  • GLOW STICK
  • SMALL AMERICAN FLAG

Penis

  • COCK PLUG
  • TONGUE RING
  • BALLOON
  • STRING OF MAGNETIC BEADS
  • “PLAYING WITH PHONE AND FELL ASLEEP WHEN HE WOKE UP HIS STYLUS WAS IN HIS URETHRA. INJURY OCCURRED 4 DAYS AGO AND DIDN’T SEEK TREATMENT”
  • PEN
  • PENCIL
  • PAINTBRUSH
  • “METAL SCREW IN HIS URETHRA TO CAUSE AN ERECTION”
  • WIRE HANGER
  • LANYARD
  • “HAS HAD A MARBLE IN HIS PENIS FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS AND DECIDED HE NEEDS IT REMOVED”
  • GLUE

Vagina

  • SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • BATTERY
  • PILL BOTTLE
  • SMALL VIBRATOR
  • LARGE VIBRATOR
  • PAPER CLIPS
  • “PATIENT WAS INTOXICATED 4 MONTHS AGO PLACED A CRUMBLE OF TIN FOIL INSIDE VAGINA”
  • FILM CANISTER
  • PART OF SLINKY
  • EYEBROW PENCIL
  • SCREW
  • PEN
  • 3 BAGS OF METH
  • BULLET
  • ROCK
  • BATH BOMB
  • BABY SHOE

Rectum

  • BOUNCY BALL
  • MULTIPLE MARBLES
  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • CRAYON
  • “PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM AND NOW NOT ABLE TO SIT”
  • NAIL POLISH BOTTLE
  • SHAVING GEL BOTTLE
  • AEROSOL CONTAINER
  • “PATIENT REPORTS INSERTING A DEODORANT SPRAY CAN INSIDE HIS RECTUM LAST NIGHT AS HE WAS CONSTIPATED”
  • “SHAMPOO BOTTLE IN HIS RECTUM THAT HE PLACED THERE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”
  • SMALL FOAM FOOTBALL
  • STICK
  • SCREWDRIVER IN ANUS, HANDLE FELL OFF
  • “WAS INTOXICATED & IS UNCERTAIN IF SHE USED HER ANAL BEADS OR NOT, CANT FIND THEM @ HOME […] NONE FOUND IN ER EXAM”
  • PIPE
  • VIBRATOR RING
  • “VIBRATOR STRUCK IN RECTUM. VIBRATOR IS STILL ON.”
  • 5 INCH DILDO
  • 6 INCH DILDO
  • 7 INCH DILDO
  • 10 INCH DILDO
  • APPLE
  • TOY SHARK
  • PLASTIC TURTLE
  • CAT TOY BELL
  • BASEBALL
  • NEWSPAPER
  • COLOGNE BOTTLE
  • BABY OIL BOTTLE
  • HAND LOTION BOTTLE
  • “WAS SQUATTING IN THE SHOWER WHEN HE GOT A SMALL BOTTLE STUCK IN HIS RECTUM”
  • REMOTE CONTROL
  • FORK
  • WATER BOTTLE
  • “3 WEEKS AGO HE WAS DRUNK AND PUT A LIGHT BULB UP HIS RECTUM.”
  • POOPAROOS TOY
  • WEEBLE WOBBLE TOY
  • WRITING PEN AND BOTTLE CAP
  • FOAM DART
  • 6 MAGIC MARKERS
  • CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
  • “PUT DILDO INTO RECTUM 2 DAYS AGO & WAS PERFORMING DAILY ACTIVITIES WITH IT IN PLACE. WHEN RIDING LAWN MOWER THE DILDO SLID INSIDE RECTUM COMPLETELY”