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The Great Outdoors

Trash Animals Send Delegates To Landmark Council Of Garbage Feasters

A cartoon possum, raccoon, and skunk huddle around a table.
Illustration: Chris Thompson

In a heartwarming show of cooperation and good faith in these troubling times, delegates from three major trash-animal factions met in Bronx Park recently to negotiate an uneasy peace and divide up turf across New York City, the epicenter of garbage-munching activity in North America. Though largely ignored by mainstream media outlets, who historically prefer to focus on only the negative stories associated with this maligned underbelly of urban wildlife, this conference is nothing less than a watershed, potentially signaling an end to a generation-spanning struggle for supremacy in the trashcan-looting sphere.

Topics on the table may have included but were likely not limited to:

    • A division of turf across New York City's boroughs and outer suburbs, including a particularly spirited debate about who gets Staten Island
    • A non-violent arbitration process for settling disputes
    • A mutual aid and support pact for conflicts with the hostile rat faction, which rejected the conference and refused representation
    • A reconciliation process for resolving past conflicts and injustices

May this armistice be everlasting, or at least until the start of summer.

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