Tom Brady isn’t officially the general manager of the Las Vegas Raiders, but let’s pretend that he is so that we can make fun of him. Ever since buying a minority stake in the team last year, Brady was reportedly going to be very hands-on with the team’s affairs. Hiring former Bucs executive John Spytek as official GM was an obvious indicator of that, as was Brady’s meet-cute with Matthew Stafford up at a Montana ski resort before Stafford re-upped with the Rams. Shit, Brady even convinced new head coach Pete Carroll that working for this clownshow would be more fulfilling than doing nothing at all!
But now that we’re about to enter the legal tampering period of free agency, also known as “the start of free agency,” Fancy Tom is gonna have to put together an actual roster. He got a head start on that process Friday night by acquiring Geno Smith for a third-round pick.
Smith apparently got tired of being a feel-good story in Seattle and yearned for a trip back into the gutter. Entering the final year of his contract, which was scheduled to pay him $31 million, the quarterback wanted a fat extension from team management. His demand wasn’t in the "holy shit" range of Josh Allen’s new mega-deal, but it was still a good amount that reflected Smith's success in leading the Seahawks to a winning record in each of his three years as starter. When the Seahawks balked at the demand, Smith reportedly asked for a trade.
Thus, Tom Brady's Paw curled and now Geno finds himself in Vegas, serving as the Raiders’ 57th attempt (rough estimate) at finding their next Jim Plunkett.
All Smith cost Las Vegas was a third-round pick, plus however many millions the Raiders are willing to give him via an extension that, for cap reasons, they need to work out with him this week. Once they lock in Smith, 34, for the long term ... HEY PRESTO! Look at the Raiders now! This sorry-ass team that had to start the '80s buddy comedy duo of Gardner Minshew and Aidan O’Connell all last season finally has itself a quarterback! And a head coach who actually knows what he’s doing! They might even draft Shadeur Sanders at No. 6 next month and hire Deion Sanders to be their second shadow president! SINFUL!
Does this mean the Raiders win the Super Bowl? AHAHAHAHA LET’S NOT GO CRAZY HERE. With Smith behind center, the Seahawks won exactly zero playoff games and had a net point differential of minus-25. They’re not competing with the Chiefs and Bills anytime soon, but they WILL be good enough for you to never notice them at all. For the Raiders, that’s a remarkable leap forward. And it’s all thanks to Tom Brady! WOW! Is there anything this man can’t do, besides speak into a microphone?
