The Frail Saggy Body Of Rudy Giuliani Must Be Protected From The Political Violence Of My Infant Child

A 39-year-old Staten Island man was arrested Sunday after beating the shit out of Rudy Giuliani inside a convenience store, where the infirm, brittle, physically helpless 78-year-old was campaigning on behalf of his son. This was truly a savage ass-whupping, just a brutal beatdown from start to finish. In the security camera footage below, the unnamed suspect can be seen approaching Giuliani from behind and suddenly pummeling him mercilessly until all that remained of the former mayor was a melting pool of giblets and red jelly smeared across the supermarket's vinyl floor. WARNING: What follows is graphic video of an attack the New York Police Department considers second-degree assault:

Wow, disgusting. "What's up, scumbag?" the assailant is alleged to have uttered as he mauled the defenseless politician in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers.

"I’ve been in politics 50 years, I’ve never been attacked like this," said a pile of oozing room-temperature hamburger that once was the personal attorney for the President of the United States. Giuliani, who in the best of times was never much sturdier than a speckled banana, has seen a marked physical decline over recent years, and is now as squishy and frail as an overcooked squash. A severe gust of wind could send Giuliani splashing to the pavement like a delicate porcelain bowl full of semi-set gelatin; only a murderous barbarian could possibly engage so vulnerable a target in no-holds-barred bare-knuckle combat, as this ShopRite employee appears to have done. It is a miracle that there were no fatalities.

The attack felt "as if a boulder hit me," recalled Giuliani, now merely a putrefying heap of pink goo studded with loose teeth and at least one clouded, pulverized eyeball. Giuliani is able to describe little of the encounter, beyond that terrifying moment when he "felt this tremendous pain in my back," before the savagery of the attack left him crumpled, witless, an agonized heap of flayed flesh and shredded cartilage. In the short clip below, what is left of the corpus of Rudy Giuliani gives a harrowing account of all that he recollects of this violent assault. WARNING: What follows is a graphic video of a fuzzy quivering lump of what appears to be pre-cooked forcemeat, emitting bone-chilling noises from what can only be described as a some sort of primitive mouth-like orifice:

The incident, which was most certainly not a harmless pat on the back and which therefore has been described by various extremely serious and credible media organizations as a "slap," a "smack," a "hit," and an "attack," is now in the hands of New York's criminal justice system, which has charged the suspect with a Class-D felony, punishable by a sentence of one to seven years in prison. Giuliani, who for all intents and purposes might as well be six feet under following this latest example of norm-shredding left-wing political violence, has urged that his attacker be charged and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. "If you don’t stop it at this stage, it just gets worse and worse and worse," said Giuliani, where "this stage" should be understood to refer to the encounter which was caught on security camera, and where "worse and worse and worse" calls us to think of a day when violence of this sort escalates all the way to murder, approximately 18 minutes prior to the heat death of the universe. It's a sobering thought for anyone who cares about the charged political environment eventually handed down to their children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren.

It is in this spirit of zero tolerance that I call upon the Virginia State Police to arrest my 17-month-old daughter, who only yesterday threw a blue plastic kazoo into my groin and later cruelly smashed me in the hand with a half-eaten corncob, shouting "WEEEEEEEE!" This political violence must not stand.