Generally speaking, this is not how a young athlete caught up in a high-profile fight should choose a lawyer to hire:
And yet one of the Michigan State football players involved in the tunnel fracas after Michigan's home win over MSU apparently did just that. This afternoon, the California-based, MSU-grad attorney David Diamond, claiming to represent a suspended Spartan, released an all-time doozy of an official statement.
The statement, riddled with grammar errors and misspellings, claims without evidence that a Michigan player started the violence that turned into the lopsided Spartan beatdown caught on video. But far more entertaining than its opening is its majestic run of bizarre word choices and steam-out-the-ears tangents. While Diamond is licensed to practice law in the state of California, he maintains the heart of a true college football poster. This public missive reads like he dictated it with text-to-speech software after waking up from major surgery. It's like a poem made entirely from overheard conversations in the men's bathroom at Harper's. Here are some of the most aggrieved highlights:
Referring to U-M coach Jim Harbaugh: "The media has taken the bait from a coach and master victim and his howls at the moon."
"The repeated 'hail to the victims' song and dance does not contribute to the fact-finding mission"
About former Michigan linebacker Devin Bush stomping on the MSU midfield logo in 2018: "Where were the screams from Ann Arbor to criminally charge ... Devon Bush (sic) with felony vandalism. The silence was palpitating. The hypocrisy is painful."
"Why were the UM players allowed in the tunnel and rather than criticize an MSU employee for not engaging with 6 foot 6-inch giants, we must ask ourselves about the Michigan security in the tunnel."
The final point he ends on is a long-held grudge from 27 years ago: "I personally know about the moral superiority claims as I was a student at MSU in 1995 when my then girlfriend had a large cup of phlegm and saliva tossed at her by a UM basketball player. Despite calls and letters, UM did absolutely nothing."
The funny thing is, I actually agree with the most basic crux of Diamond's point—that this isn't a problem that needs to be solved by putting more young men in the criminal justice system. But he's not going to do anyone any favors when he shows up at the courthouse shirtless and covered in green-and-white body paint. You know MSU still hasn't risen to the level of a real football school, because if this happened at Georgia or Ohio State, they'd at least have someone on call for these players who knows how to use the word "palpitating." More broadly, though, I'm a little concerned that this guy is acting as anyone's lawyer, and as such I have a proposal: If you've ever posted on a college football message board in your life, you should be banned from taking the bar.