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Halley’s Comment: For these intros, I usually try to come up with a funny anecdote or sentimental thought about the commentariat. After reviewing thousands of comments again this year, everything I’ve said still stands. You all make the comment section one of the most caring, thoughtful, funny and well-written places on the internet, and it’s a privilege to help curate a list that merely provides a snapshot of what you all contribute on a daily basis.

For those that aren’t on the list, please know that it doesn’t mean we think your comments aren’t valuable or aren’t funny. We started with an initial draft that was almost 70 pages long after doing more initial trimming on our Excel spreadsheet that had over 11,000 comments. The point is, there is simply no way to fit all of our favorite comments into one post without losing a lot of comments we loved along the way. Just know that every +1 you got this year means you made someone laugh, cry, or think about something they hadn’t before, and that’s worth a lot.

Now for the admin items:

OminousCorn: Halley's and Drewbert requested some assistance with combing the comments for this year's remembrance, and in the interest of not being shadowbanned by any one of four staffers, I volunteered to be part of the Commentee™. I feel bad for my eyes, but y'all make tremendous content.

My commentdom pales in comparison to um, well, gestures vaguely at all this, and so in the spirit of this post, I wanted to give as much spotlight to maize-related usernames as possible. Unfortunately for me, it appears I'm the AFC Finalist of Defector. Oh well, next year.

Much thanks to Drewbert, Halley's, and the Commentariat at large for making this a bastion of what the internet used to be, happy 2024 to all, and catch you for trivia in the new year!

Drewbert Thompchesky: Halley’s of course left out the other important admin item that we decided to limit the repeat offenders to a max of two comments. The others will tell you that this is in an effort to get as much representation across the commentariat as possible. I will tell you that I am being oppressed. But if there’s a favorite comment missing below, there’s a good chance that’s why. Some that come to mind are Possums, squeegeeeephus, Michael Cage. The Elephant, Halley’s Comment, Doctorbmanhattan, Utah Jazz Hands, shuukes, Torsloke, and Bette Davis’ Cigarette. No one has suffered more than them.

Jokes aside, and I probably said this last year, but one of my favorite things about the Defector comments is the sheer amount of wit, intelligence, empathy, sincerity, and honest human connection to be found here. I’m also in awe of the breadth of styles and talents on display—from stupid puns to on-the-spot award-worthy short stories to musical adaptations to sharing sincere, honest experiences and everything in between. We tried to capture as much of that as we could, but could never do it all justice. Thanks to all of you for making this an awesome place to avoid my work and family for hours every day.

Bette Davis’ Cigarette & Little King Trashmouth: Bette & LKT decided not to write anything because they’re “good people” and “have real lives” and “it’s not about them.” But they did ask me to tell you that I am their favorite commenter, friend, and indeed, human being, in the whole wide world, forever. Thanks ladies <3! (Oh, and also we’re eternally grateful for their help, blah blah blah.) - Drewbert Thompchesky

OK enough about us, on to some of our favorite Defector comments this year!

The injury looked bad but at least he was able to walk off the field on his own three legs.

- Marmalard, from How Many Snow Angels Is Too Many Snow Angels When A Guy Is Writhing In Pain Next To You?

45 has crossed the line and MUST be punished!

*45 easily avoids punishment*

Ah! Well. Nevertheless,

- Detlef Schrempf Cocktail, from Donovan Mitchell's 71-Point Game Must Be Stricken From The Record Books If We Are To Preserve The Soul Of This Great Game

It's kind of funny that Apple killed Dark Sky, because the other alternative to a hyperlocal weather forecast is, you know, windows.

- shuuukes, from Goodbye To Dark Sky, The Only Good Weather App

Hello everyone, this is Marmalard's wife. I'm sorry to say he died by falling into a sewer this morning. As he was sinking he only had time to say he wanted +1s to support his family. Thank you.

- Marmalard, from In My Day You Couldn't Fake-Die For Two Years Without Real Commitment

In my day people faked their deaths at the drop of a hat! In fact, the phrase "at the drop of a hat" originated with people deciding to fake their own deaths and run off to the territories. All you had to do was drop your hat on the street in front of a postal vehicle or a streetcar or a fire wagon and everyone assumed you'd been run over and had your corpse made into soup by the people who lived under the bridge. Trobos we called them, which is short for Troll Hobos. Of course, the Trobos had no need for hats, that's why the hat was the thing you dropped. Now, the drop of the hat wouldn't work unless you had a really distinctive hat or you'd written your name on the hatband, which is not something an adult would typically do. And that led to quite a few ladies checking the hatbands of their beaus just to make sure they weren't planning anything funny. Naturally, the more conniving gents would simply sign their hatbands immediately before dropping them. Only problem with that was you could tell if a hatband was freshly signed by getting it wet. So that's why it was custom for a widow to lick her deceased husband's hat.

- Crommentor, from In My Day You Couldn't Fake-Die For Two Years Without Real Commitment

It figures that Yglesias would struggle with the concept that points must have some kind of basis.

- mbarnett, from Celebrated Public Intellectual Attempts Math, Falls Down Open Manhole

His name isn't Jadaveon Seriouspersoney.

- Thesaurus, Dinosaur of Words, from As A Son And A Brother, I Think We Should Cut Jadeveon Clowney Some Slack

finally, the pivot to video

- rocknrolloedipus, from Programming Notes

if I wanted to watch Maher keep missing the point I'd turn on HBO.,

- Hit Bull Win Steak, from How Many Extra Points Can One Man Miss?

So I accidentally started sleeping with my ex-wife's assistant. We've been at it for about 8 months. My ex has since found out about this due to the fact that we ran in to each other at Boscov's and it just came up. Anyway so now my ex is going to fire her assistant, who I also just found out is currently pregnant with my child. This all puts me in a very awkward postition as you can imagine. Anyway Albert, my question is, what is the perfect meal to cook for this woman when I break it off with her?

- _nderscored, from Send Me Your Food Questions

You wouldn't think the director could create a hit without much in the way of story, plot, or characters - but in Skinamarink, he do.

- Utah Jazz Hands, from 'Skinamarink' Will Only Scare You If You've Ever Been A Child

The joke's on him; those kids will die from eating fentanyl-laced Halloween candy before they get the chance to use a litter box in the school bathroom.

- General Sherman, from Tony Dungy Believed The Whole "Litter Boxes In Schools" Hoax [Update]

Classic ethical dilemma: Your Tesla, running on autopilot, is about to run down 5 people at a farmer's market. You can take the wheel and change course, but will run over 1 pedestrian instead. What should you tweet afterwards?

- Jinx, from How Not To Interrogate The Ethics Of Tesla's Busted Autopilot Technology

If you play a hockey game with one Sebastian Aho, you've played with Sebastian Aho. If you play a hockey game with two Sebastian Ahos, you're the Aho.

- Torsloke, from Sebastian Aho Definitively Won The Battle Of Sebastians Aho

Dak Prescott's got that dog in him!


-Eats shit

- This Guy Fawkes, from Mike McCarthy On Hilarious Final Play: That Wasn't What We Meant To Do

They need to do this if only for the branding opportunity of calling the university grounds the Hippo Campus.

- Kilgamayan, from Official George Washington University Statement: Hippos Are Not Free To Be Bold

I'm 36, and I'd love to have more adult friends. That being said, if anyone new ever tries to speak to me I treat them like they have a contagious form of ass cancer.

- Not A Herb, from Pop Culture Is Good For Your Children

I've heard that sound from my crease a lot in my thirties.

- Little Alex Horne, from Vancouver Canucks Goalie Says There Was No Fart, Just Skate

Q. Why are the Pyramids in Egypt?

A. Because they were too heavy to ship back to the British Museum!

- Dial Tone, from How To Respect A Mummy

We built Cop City!

We built Cop City on op-press-ion!

- Great House Dagoth, from Cop City Is A Step Toward Cop Nation

And here I thought Pence wasn't allowed to be alone with a box.

- Bette Davis' Cigarette, from Enough With The Fucking Secret Memos Already

Bobby Hull Traded to Flames

- DoctorbManhattan, from Bobby Hull Was Not Complicated

Setting up the Chiefs for the winning field goal with an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty is the most Burfict way a Bengals game could end.

- Mork Encino's Thick Pelt, from The Bengals' Season Came Down To One Late Hit

The only thing sadder is if this wasn't made up and his son was desperately trying to engage with his absentee father by pretending to be into golf.

- FritoPendejo, from Bubba Watson Insists His Small Child Knows All About LIV Golf's Barely Real Teams

Kind of surprising to see a professional golfer struggle so much with a bad lie.

- Cobra Kia, from Bubba Watson Insists His Small Child Knows All About LIV Golf's Barely Real Teams

Finally, some fucking recognition.

- DrewsThumbs, from I Can't Stop Giving People The Thumbs Up

21 Jump Shots

- Phyrkrakr, from There's No Law Against Having Fun While Posing As A Teen Girl In A JV Basketball Game

The problem is they designed the shelter to withstand pounds but not Kilos.

- D'Glester Hardunkichud, from Bus Shelters Are No Match For The Combined Weight Of Eagles Fans

And now his ex-tenant lives rent free in his head.

- ManfredBearPig, from Marc Caputo Leaves NBC News One Week After Gloating About Evicting Tenant

In search of a hot pink bitch named JUSTICE

- Another Michael, from Justice For Flamingo, Who Did Not Consent To Being Dyed Pink

He's crazy, but he's a great long-distance shooter. And now he's in Dallas doing a job for a Cuban. Historically, this has never resulted in any problems.

- Arrakis Ramírez, from Kyrie Irving Is Now The Mavericks' Problem

Consistent with previous reporting, Pizza Boy insists on reviewing to completion despite lack of consent.

- Not A Lawyer, from Pizza Boy Wants His Pizza Right Now!

Poor Decorum at the Forum

- philaDLJ, from Nobody's Going To Grizzlies Games To Watch Ja Morant's Pals On The Court

a Woman City would never do this

- Yeeyee187, from Why Is The Premier League Going To War With Manchester City?

does Kyrie know Mark Cuban is Jewish or does he think he's Cuban

- Yeeyee187, from Kyrie Irving Deleted His Apology For Sharing Antisemitic Movie [Update]

Shams is using metafives and Defector is stuck on metaphors. Sad to see.

- Montanablowhard, from Shams Charania's Metaphors Don't Make Sense In A Drawing Either

If you are time traveling 250 years into the past and your biggest fear is the past folk's personal hygiene, you are white

- Hemmerling For Mitchell, from There's Too Much Shit To Remember

For every small step Americans take toward untangling shame and sex and misogyny, the Mayflower Pilgrims reach forward across the centuries to remind us that shame and sex and misogyny are as integral to this country's culture as slavery and racism. God bless you, you fun-hating fuckwads.

- Adonis "Bifford" Wonsley <3s Shohei News, from The Abrupt And Anonymous End Of StripperWeb

dang Ray did you just win March Madness the way you're cutting down the Nets

- Michael Cage. The Elephant, from There Go The Nets

Old Man Yells at Cloud(-Based Repository of Information)

- Assistant Thunder God, from Joe West Spending His Retirement Going To War With Wikipedia Editors

Don't let the American Dream die. Do it twice, then head on over to Arby's.

- Arbys-Night, from How To Have More Sex

The worst part is that they told them over the football phone.

- Bette Davis' Cigarette, from Sports Illustrated Continues Its Lurch Away From Journalism With Fresh Round Of Layoffs

Who is Afghanistan's MLK?I don't know, but they were probably murdered by a drone several years ago, so it's pretty immaterial at this point

- Woz, from U.S. Ambassador To Afghanistan Celebrates Black History Month With Deranged Tweets

A non-Jewish man named Bacon heads the Torah Values caucus? Next thing you're going to tell me is a group deciding on the rights women have over their own reproductive systems is made entirely of white men.

- J.J. Jingleheimer Schmidt, from The 10 Dumbest Congressional Caucuses, Ranked

Great article. 5 thumbs up

- This Guy Fawkes, from AI Art Only Looks Like Art If You Don't Care

I'd pitch Defector low and away. Given the collective age, back problems, and overall health issues written about, I can assume they wouldn't go chasing that low outside corner for fear of pulling something. Except for Chris Thompson. 100-mph heater right to the dome. No batting helmet.

- Rip Danger, Life Enthusiast, from How To Pitch Defector

Michael Jordan's greatest career achievement is keeping Stockton and Malone from getting rings.

- George Lucas' Script Notes, from Karl Malone Is Sick Of Being Asked About Impregnating A Child

On behalf of Defector commentator TheArmdancer:

"Despite making significant increases in quantity and (at least to him) perceived quality of posts over the past several months, Defector commentator TheArmdancer continues to experience low upvotes in high level Defector commentating-related activities. Considering the required time period to achieve the necessary level of wit & brevity to return-to-post and the current number of lawyers billing time while on Defector Dot Com, TheArmdancer will not return this season. The focus for TheArmdancer will continue to binge The Simpsons, Seinfeld and other pop culture from the 1990s to mine potential material that the typical Defector reader would find humorous and be on the resolution of his low energy posts and a full return for the 2023-24 season."

- TheArmdancer, from Chicago Bulls Organization Experiences Performance-Limiting Brain Condition While Participating In Lonzo Ball Injury Updates

Get A Load Of This Sorry Piece Of Crap

and then look at that ugly truck behind him

- Portly Porty, from Get A Load Of This Sorry Piece Of Crap

wtf did a 90° angle kill the artist's family

- Little King Trashmouth, from A $760,000 House To Store Our Art

Martin Luther put up 95 points wearing a silly hat. Try harder, Dame.

- Darkness Dairy, from Damian Lillard Put Up The Purest 71 Points Ever Scored

Old man yells at clod

- DJ Mc, from The Sodfather Has Certainly Said His Piece

Shame that this guy keeps getting caught up in violence, instead of peacefully defrauding young white people who want to attend music festivals, as an older, wiser Ja would.

- Spider-Dan, from Ja Morant To Miss Two Games After Flashing Gun On Instagram Live

This guy really puts the Christ in "Christ, what an asshole."

- Kid Presentable, from Mark Adams Has Some Top-Notch Excuses For Saying Racist Stuff And Spitting On One Of His Players

There's no hate quite like Christian love!

- Calculon, from Mark Adams Has Some Top-Notch Excuses For Saying Racist Stuff And Spitting On One Of His Players

Urinals! Now that is something I can stand for.

- Beer Wolf, from Entire Clippers Roster Gathers To Watch Team Owner Shout "Toilets!"

Hoover officials did their best to contain the damage through their own social media channels, but it's practically impossible to be heard from inside a vacuum.

- Utah Jazz Hands, from Innocent Misunderstanding Turns Youth Hoops Trophy Presentation Into Hell Of Online Outrage

Don't let the door hit you on the woeh out!

- Hammock District, from Jim Boeheim, Sour To The Last

Mbappé is my favorite hit from the band Hançon.

- Old Painty-Can Ned, from Paris Ain't Germane (To The Discussion Of Possible Champions League Winners)

Just split the award:

M goes to Jokic

V to Antetokounmpo

P to Embiid

This way they each get a letter that's not in their names

- philaDLJ, from The Knowable Unknown Of The 2023 NBA MVP Discourse Is Breaking Our Brains

[A pub in Tempe]

I wrap up my verse as my bros join in, "Shawty had them apple bottom jeans", "jeans," I echo somberly, the word lingering in the air

- Halley's Comment, from A Yank Walks Into A Pub

He has binders full of straw women!

- DoctorbManhattan, from Man Who Declares "There's No 'Us' In 'Me'" Has No Brain In Head

It's not about the amenities, these people just want to see and be sawed.

- squeegeeeephus, from Are You Ready To Party With LIV Golf?

We regret to inform you that due to his lovely rainbow blankets , the donkey has been executed.

- Pheidippideeznuts, from Are You Ready To Party With LIV Golf?

The justice system is unfairly harassing trump? I guess orange really is the new black.

- Reptile Folk, from Bring Forth The Arrest


- Not A Herb, from Fraudiana!

if you really want the most effective bat kid, shoot his parents

- Michael Cage. The Elephant, from We Will Finally Fix Baseball By Holding Bat Kids Accountable

Cuban Whistle Crisis

- ClockworkOrangeAndBlue, from Mark Cuban Files Futile Protest Over Weird Call In Mavericks Loss

I have never been more confident that a man has a bowling average in the 200s based solely on his picture.

- George Burnered Shaw, from Greg Kampe's Been Running The Football Inbounds Play For 25 Years. No One Has Been Able To Stop It.

The second bottle actually just threatened him with a trade to Columbus.

- Technicolor Jan Stenerud, from Hockey Man In Need Of Third, Just-Smelliest Enough Salt

Seems nice. All we have is Hallway Sex. We say, "fuck you" every time we pass each other in the hallway.

- Taco Truck, from A Lesson In Marital Free Association

No one's slick as Mike Trout

No one's quick as Mike Trout

No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Mike Trout

For there's no man in town half as manly

Perfect, a pure paragon

You can ask any Manny, Jose or Hanley

And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

- Bob, from Baseball!

Bird Dropping Ruins Day at Park

- Assistant Thunder God, from Well, That Has To Be The Most Painful Way To Lose A Baseball Game

I wonder if they'll use the same lab for UFC's mandatory steroid testing and WWE's mandatory-steroid testing.

- PavelCatsyuk, from The WWE/UFC Merger Will Be Bad For Almost Everyone

Clearly the Saudis learned their lesson from Flight 93. Five guys weren't nearly enough.

- 52ndState, from LIV Golf Bozos Hope To Storm The 18th Green In Masters Triumph

The last time we saw this big of a loser on Sunday at the Masters it was also Greg Norman.

- Fuel by Metallica, from LIV Golf Bozos Hope To Storm The 18th Green In Masters Triumph


- whiskytengo, from They Turned This Museum Into A Basketball Court And It Rules

I really wanted SDSU to win this. I appreciated the humility those Aztecs displayed. It was a refreshing change of pace from so many years of those Olmecs and their big heads.

- shuuukes, from UConn Imposed Some Normalcy On The Weirdest NCAA Tournament Ever

Trust the process server

- enmyj, from Shaquille O'Neal Is On The Run From FTX Lawsuit Process Servers

"Hey, you're gonna need those Nazi napkins when you're tortured by the Gazpacho!"

- Marjorie Taylor Greene

- Rainy Days & Rick Mondays, from Clarence Thomas's Billionaire Sponsor Owns Some Weird Nazi Stuff

I assume there's an LAPD intern somewhere being forced to print every digital picture they find and put it through the shredder.

- Possums, from Journalist Ben Camacho On Facing Petty LAPD-Driven Lawsuit: "It's The Biggest Gaslight Of My Life"

Seems like if there's any group that historically does perfectly well figuring out how to cope with the loss of one leg, it's the Pirates.

- Sarcastro, from Oneil Cruz, Pirates Suffer Devastating Injury

Jaden McDaniels fought the wall and the wall won

- Little King Trashmouth, from The Timberwolves Are Throwing Punches At The Worst Possible Time

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

- TheDefenestratorofPrague, from Rookie Dung-Roller Is Learning On The Job

Oh for God's sake just click "Jump to Recipe".

- BeefWickersham, from A Surreal, Chum-Choked Plunge Through Ja Morant's Countersuit Against A Teen Boy

If you're gonna step to a dinosaur, you better be prepared to get jurasskicked

- Hit Bull Win Steak, from Rockies Mascot Avoids Clean Double Leg Takedown, Assailant Avoids Capture [UPDATE: Captured]

actually that's Jamal Murray's front

- poont, from Jamal Murray's Back!

Jeezus a pitch that hung needs an NSFW tag.

- bfr, from Madison Bumgarner Is Going Loudly, But Not Proudly

But, the car said 4Runner!

- Hollow Log, from Ultra Runner Rides In Car During Race, Finishes Third, Uploads Data To Strava

The lesson to players? If you feel the urge to visit a gambling app, direct that energy into something that will result in a lesser penalty, like domestic abuse.

- Chili Con Carny, from The Lions Have A Gambling Problem

Giannis: "Let me ask you something, Eric. Do you make your wife orgasm every time you have intercourse? Yes or no."


"Yes or no."

Eric: "No."

Giannis: "So if she doesn't orgasm 4 out of 10 times, are those 6 non-orgasmic sessions a failure?"


"Are they failures? Yes or no."

Eric: "My wife died a year ago."

Giannis: "I'm sorry to hear that. Let me ask you this, do you visit her grave 7 days a week? Yes or no."

- Hollow Log, from Giannis Erupts On Reporter With Heated Display Of Nuanced Understanding Of The Ultimate Purpose Of Sport

more like Won't Levis

- Detlef Schrempf Cocktail, from What Were The Odds Will Levis Would Have To Wait In The Green Room All Night?, that's weird, all of the sudden all the dogs in my neighborhood are barking like crazy...

- Orellien, from Denver Post Columnist: Nikola Jokic's Underwear Shows Why He Deserves MVP

You can't really blame the Leafs. How were they to know there was more than one round of playoffs?

- Dr Emilio Lizardo, from The Panthers Don't Give An Inch

I dunno, I feel like I could see myself living in this place.

- Orlando Merced Fred, from A $900,000 House Where We Can Become Narcissus


- Otto von Bisquick, from This Mike Florio Paragraph Has Been Bouncing Around My Brain For 4 Years Now

I guess she really is able to compete with men in her industry.

- Wolf Koenig, ASC/ACE, from Aces Coach Becky Hammon Suspended For Comments On Former Player's Pregnancy

A monk was walking along a stream, and saw a scorpion drowning in the water. The monk kneeled beside the stream and plucked the scorpion from the water. The scorpion stung the monk, causing the monk to recoil and drop the scorpion into the water.

The monk then kneeled again beside the stream and picked up the scorpion again. The scorpion again stung the monk.

A Mets owner was playing near the stream and asked the monk, "Why do you keep trying to save the scorpion if it keeps stinging you?"

The monk replied "just as it is in the scorpion's nature to sting, so is it my nature to save.

"Upon hearing this, the Mets owner stared into space, shrugged, and his pants fell down to his ankles, then he fell over and his butt was in the air and he pooped and the poop landed on his own head.

- Hari-Caray, from Reports: Mets Owner To Do Something Stupid

Are La Liga Fans Racist? At This Tapas Bar in Valencia, Patrons Aren't So Sure. — New York Times

- Clever Name Here, from La Liga's Racism Problem Boils Over




..…… ⬛️🔲⬛️⬛️









- Only Emojis*, from How To Sink A Yacht (If You're An Orca)

Sure he has gum disease, but he'll never get (a) plaque.

- Calum, from Breaking: A-Rod Has Gum Disease

I refused to rank my children (because of strength of schedule mostly, all their opponents are other children)

- Marxus Smart, from Don't Rank Your Children, You Domineering Prick

You gotta feel for the guy. I mean, he would've helped his wife pick up the popcorn from the floor, but getting on your hands and knees is obviously gay so he can't do that.

- thanatos, from Even Anthony Bass's Own Fans Know He's A Jerkoff

This is actually good for me. Now I can ignore golf under one merged, unified, consolidated umbrella.

- Clone Didion, from The PGA Tour Has Suddenly Merged With LIV Golf

Know what, climate change is a good thing and should be accelerated.

- OminousCorn, from Livvy Rizzing Up Baby Gronk, Explained

Prosecutor: And then, Mr. President, you brandished the war plans in front of your guests —

Defense: Objection, your honor.

Judge: Sust —

Trump (grabbing mic): KRISTY SWANSON WAS AMAZED

- Idols of Mud, from So It's A Crime Now To Have Boxes Full Of Cool Folders With Various Words Printed On Them?

I don't care where the ingredients came from, I'm not paying $200 million for a glorified gin and tonic.

- Dr. Hibbert, from Gimlet Media's Story Was Always Going To End Like This

I'm pretty sure that for conservatives, "woke" just means "would get mad if I said the n-word."

- Old Painty-Can Ned, from This Blog Has Gone Woke

Bowling for Concubine

- thanatos, from After Affair With Athlete, Assistant Bowling Coach And Husband Of Head Coach Is Now Neither

I can't imagine a happier moment for Bill Simmons than getting to pretend to be annoyed by paparazzi paying attention to him.

- Arrakis Ramírez, from Bill Simmons Finds Himself In Row Across The Pond After Slagging Off Harry And Meghan

well, as the saying goes: 

"You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into Isiah Thomas. You run into assholes all day, you're working with Isiah Thomas."

- thunderdunk, from Isiah Thomas Will Always Find A New Situation To Fuck Up

It's not fraud if your first name is a disclaimer.

- Kill The Bat, from Shams Charania's Whoopsie Sure Made Someone A Lot Of Money











- Only Emojis*, from What Is Extreme Tourism For?

Oh NOW he cares about testosterone levels.

- TheArmdancer, from Lance Armstrong Is Suddenly Concerned With Fairness In Sports

Only a Vikings fan would get kicked in the teeth regularly enough to need to keep their dental insurance card with them at all times

- Halley's Comment, from How Much Shit Should You Have In Your Wallet? An Investigation

Does the shirt only come in unisex, or is there a specific man tee available?

- DJ Mc, from Inside Defector's Attempt To Revolutionize The Metaverse T-Shirt Space

Train at #1. That tracks.

- feejee mermaid, from Transport, Ranked


- HockeyEsq, from Why Your Team Sucks 2023: Chicago Bears

He had a turtle head poking out. Also he pooped.

- Torsloke, from Did Mitch McConnell Poop His Pants In A Room Full Of People?

Derek Zoolander Center for Mentally and Physically Tough Players Who Play Smart and Love to Compete

- Zombie Lombardi, from Are The Los Angeles Rams Looking For Mentally And Physically Tough Players Who Play Smart And Love To Compete?

The slide manufacturer has been adamant in referring to this as an "officer-involved chuting" to make sure nobody faces any consequences.

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from The Boston Cop Slide Fail Video Has Been Investigated Thoroughly, But I Have More Questions

Surprising that the slide wasn't charged with assomersaulting an officer.

- Comment Allez-Vous Jersey, from The Boston Cop Slide Fail Video Has Been Investigated Thoroughly, But I Have More Questions

Tim Anderson went to sleep faster than Tony La Russa at a stoplight.

- Little Alex Horne, from José Ramirez And Tim Anderson Had A Real Fight, Not A Baseball Fight

To be fair, Cowherd doesn't think Haskins can't win a Super Bowl because he's dead, he thinks he can't because he's black

- Hemmerling for Mitchell, from Colin Cowherd Pratfalls Through The Laziest Possible Segment Of Football Analysis

Stick to athletic activity, plural (6 letters)

- An_Unfazed_Goat, from Introducing The Defector Crossword

Probably easier just to say "the world" than list all the plaintiffs on a shirt.

- Rock, from If It's Northwestern Against The World, Lay The Points

It breaks my heart that this man has never wanted to see the wreckage of the Titanic

- Eli AppleTV, from Clarence Thomas Absolutely Loves Going On Vacations

And Jesus said, "I will make you phishers of men."

- Reptile Folk, from Everyone At The Christian Influencer Convention Was Trapped

HI, I'm Tom Ley. 

You may remember me from such emails as "Tom Ley from Defector Here." and "How About an Excruciating Crucible of Anxiety Anticipating My Phone Call". I bet you're wondering why I've reached out to you today. Well, keep wondering!

Talk to you soon,Tom Ley(from Defector)

- Possums, from Why Call When An Oblique Email Will Do The Job Of Making A Prospective Intern Spiral Into A Panic?

Jesus Christ, look at the crowd at Sox Park. I've seen bigger ska bands.

- Bob, from New Era Of White Sox Baseball Begins With Helmet-Bonk Walk-Off

Just another evangelist within the Church of Jesus Christ What An Asshole.

- DJ Mc, from Luis Rubiales Shows The Whole World Spain's Entire Ass

"Some Guys" for sale, never used.

- Danny's Wooden Head, from Who Wants Some Guys?

They should have included a Twins loss

- Ryan, from DraftKings Apologizes For Pushing "Never Forget" 9/11 Parlay

I must have my mythology all mixed up because I didn't know Narcissus had an Achilles heel.

- Tickle Me Ratto, from Aaron Rodgers Is Broken And The Jets Are Back In The Mud

Yet again Roth betrays his bigotry towards orcs. It was not even six months ago with that he said slavering orcs were a reliable GOP demographic, and now he doubles down on this with a blithe disregard for why orcs act the way they do! A complete lack of intellectual curiosity to understand, and seek to bridge the gap, or even to display any comity!

As rational creatures, they have a basis for their actions, but have you ever inquired as to them? When was the last time you visited an orc diner, and talked to the common orc? With Defector being flush in cash in year three, you boast about sending Ratto to Newfoundland and Thompson to Florida, but will you send anyone to the valley of Udûn or the blasted heath of Gorgoroth?

I said it before and I say it again; this myopic coastal bias will come back to bite us in 2024.

- noodlesintheface, from Linda Yaccarino Is The Last Funny Twitter Bit Left

Smart move by Rollins. He recorded the whole conversation and Kiffin was none the visor.

- Hammock District, from Lawsuit: Lane Kiffin Berated And Abused Ole Miss Player For Taking Mental Health Break Amid Crisis

"Here is your whiskey, sour." - Bartender to David Brooks

- BoShek Horseman, from Wow, You Can't Even Pound A Quart Of Whiskey At The Airport For Less Than $60 Anymore

Heel Without Platform Found Using Platform Heels

- Fidrych or die tryin, from Is Ron DeSantis Wearing Hidden Platform Heels Inside His Stupid Ugly Boots? An Investigation

I didn't have "Hitler on the Jumbotron" as "third worst thing to happen at Michigan State in 2023", but here we are. 

- Rip Danger, Life Enthusiast, from Michigan State: Sorry For Putting Hitler On Our Jumbotron.

So rude of Schilling to deny Wakefield the opportunity to put his own complete lack of spin on this news.

- Drewbert Thompchesky, from Curt Schilling Reveals Former Teammate Tim Wakefield's Cancer Diagnosis Against His Wishes

Ah, the old "we played our biggest rival and ended up with more Hitlers than points". Not good.

- Bergkamp's First Touch, from Michigan State: Sorry For Putting Hitler On Our Jumbotron

God, this makes me emotional.

I laid the other team for six goddamn goals against Burneko's kids in that one.

- Fidrych or die tryin, from Life Comes At You Fast

Brian Cashman once again misunderstands WAR stats.

- Tom, Can I keep my Kinja usern, from Yankees Honor Least Evil Fan

D.A.R.E. thanks Elon Musk for dispelling the notion that doing lots of drugs makes you cool

- Chuck Burly, from Looking Good, Elon! Feeling Good, Trashcan Man!

I would just like to take this opportunity to praise Henry Kissinger. 

I would also like to thank the nation of Qatar for hosting the World Cup. 

Also we need to be doing more to incentivize poor obese children to play tackle football. 

That should do it. Those are the three completely unrelated points I wanted to make. Thank you for having me.

- Rubio/Flynn Backcourt, from Adam Silver Can't Resist Praising Henry Kissinger On 'The Pat McAfee Show'

"'This individual had no access to confidential football strategy, personnel or other football information,' they said.'

Name a Jaguar employee that does.

- Chili Con Carny, from Former Jags Employee Accused Of Stealing $22 Million, Used It On Cars, Gambling, And Crypto

Lest we forget, I was Time's Person of the Year in 2006.

- Tito, from There's So Little To Say About Taylor Swift Being Person Of The Year

“What lessons in operational excellence can we learn from the Bush administration orchestrating 9/11?”

--Pete Carroll

- Old School Zero, from Sean McDermott Apologizes For Motivating His Team With The Inspiring Story Of The 9/11 Hijackers

Say what you will about Mussolini, but at least he got the play calls in on time.

- Dutch Daulton's Oakley Blades, from Sean McDermott Apologizes For Motivating His Team With The Inspiring Story Of The 9/11 Hijackers

To be fair to Navy, all of their freshman players are still waiting for their acceptance letters to the Academy thanks to Tommy Tuberville.

- KeithE, from I Can't Be The Only One Who Thinks If The Troops Wanted To They Could Put Together A Football Team And Fail To Execute A Proper Tush Push

I thought this site was anticapitalist

- squeegeeeephus, from State Capitals Should Be Small And Weird

Sportspeople seem to be punching and getting punched more and more these days. Here's why that's not good for Joe Biden.

- ThisUserNameIsOver, from Draymond Green Delivers Spinning Backfist, Innovates In The Ejection Space

New York New York

It's a hell of a town

New business is up

The Twin Towers are down

- Clever Name Here, from Eric Adams: The Beauty Of New York Is That There Are Terrorist Attacks And Also Stores That Open

It's Texas, so assaulting a pregnant woman is only a problem if you are a doctor trying to save the woman's life.

- Dr Emilio Lizardo, from How Long Can The NFL Keep The Volume Down About Von Miller's Arrest?

His schtick is so old Zach Wilson tried to fuck it.

- Dutch Daulton's Oakley Blades, from Aaron Rodgers Suspends His Purely Hypothetical Achilles Injury Comeback Tour

Things are so bleak today the Nazis can't even build decent cars

- Chuck Burly, from You're Supposed To Be Glad Your Tesla Is A Brittle Heap Of Junk

His lawyer should be working pro volone.

- The Curse of Harold Ballard's Bunker, from Man Admits Shocking Truth That Deli Worth $2B Was Part Of Fraud

It's the most wonderful time for your rear

For some dinosaur stuffing

And ER doc bluffing, for reasons unclear

Just avoid putting the gas in your ear.

It's the hap-happiest time for your bum

With some ice cream scoop shoving

and lightsaber loving

Now your colon feels numb

Stuffing three vibrating phones sounds like fun.

- Tickle Me Ratto, from What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

I ordered a Quit Your Job shirt from and got one that said Keep Working to Access Quality Healthcare instead.

- Johnny Yukon, from Fanatics Ruined Christmas

regarding the situation as it stands, this reader is reported to have enjoyed this article, reading-wise, per sources aware of the matter.

- taco mike, from Presenting The 2023 Shams Charania Award For Excellence In Divulging Of Information Through Syntax Comprehended By Many

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