Let Me Push The Win Button

Dear the Dodgers,

I saw that you have a Win Button, a button that Dodger Stadium music director/organist Dieter Ruehle hits when you win. This button is intriguing to me.

So I have a proposal for you: Let me press the Win Button.

Hear me out. You have a Win Button. I enjoy pushing buttons. I'm not sure I can make this any clearer.

Invite me to your booth, and let me push the Win Button. Oh, sure, I can't promise I will "only push it if the Dodgers win," or even that I will "wait to the end of the game to push it." It would be unrealistic to expect me to restrain myself, when the button is right there, so big and pushable and lighty-uppy. The button is already calling to me from 3,000 miles away (I will require airfare and hotel in order to push the button; we can discuss that later).

I'm not totally sure of what the Win Button does, though this is incidental to my desire to push it. I bet it has a real satisfying fingerfeel. Presumably it activates some sort of sound-and-light spectacular. I'm sure it's great. But it'd be even greater if I were the one who activated it. Everybody agrees with this.

Currently, it appears to cue up "I Love L.A.," a song about how much L.A. sucks. While I support the sentiment, I think we can do better. What if, instead, when I push the Win Button, the stadium PA plays Metallica's epic instrumental "Call of Ktulu"? And what if we make it so it's unable to stop playing until the song is done, all 8:55 of it? Even if I push the Win Button in the fourth inning, in the middle of a pitcher's delivery, because I couldn't wait any longer? I think all your fans would appreciate that, and the players too.

It appears you have a lot of buttons in your booth. Since I'm already there, perhaps you should let me push all the other buttons, too, to see what they do. I bet that would be fun for everyone. What happens if you push two buttons at once? Do two songs play simultaneously? Or does your entire electronics system break down? There's only one way (for me) to find out.

To be clear: I would like to hit the other buttons in addition to the Win Button, not instead of. The Win Button is the prize and I will not take my eyes off of it until I have pressed it. But at the very least you have to let me push the Animals Button.

In conclusion: You have a Win Button, and I would like to press the Win Button, and all America wants me to press the Win Button. I look forward to your response.