I first came across the video that wrecked my mind on a Twitter account called Rap All-Stars. A friend had retweeted it. Despite the account’s name, the video contained zero rap stars—unless Fanatics chief executive and Sixers minority owner Michael Rubin was in Fu-Schnickens at some point and I didn’t know it. The video featured just two people. These were Rubin and another person I am confident is not a rap star: Patriots owner Robert Kraft.
The video was posted on Meek Mill’s Instagram, which explains why it wound up posted to an account that usually focuses on Rap’s All-Stars. (It’s also possible that the account is actually all about octogenarian billionaires. I don’t know and I refuse to look it up.) Kraft is apparently Rubin’s Business Mentor, and they appear to be friends in the sort of mediated and public way that very rich people appear to be friends in public. Rubin took Kraft to a Sixers playoff game. Rubin also recently posted a photo of himself hugging Kraft while the two are in bed together. As a non-rich person, I mostly only hug my wife, my cat, and my childhood stuffed toy Doggy when I’m in bed. Only Doggy does not resent the effort somewhat. Maybe I should try to hug Robert Kraft sometime. Rubin looks very happy.
But the video. The video in question is one minute long, and depicts Rubin giving Robert Kraft a Bentley. Oddly, because rap stars are tangentially involved—Meek Mill posted it, and Jay-Z is mentioned—the video was aggregated on sports, pop culture and news websites. Yahoo! Sports. TMZ. CBS 4 in Boston. “Jay-Z, Meek Mill, and Michael Rubin Make a Grandfather’s Dream Come True,” wrote Vulture.
Head to one of those websites if you’d like a more straightforward recap of an 80-year-old billionaire getting a new car from a rich dude and some rapper/entrepreneurs. I am not capable of providing such a recap, as the video has broken my brain. I cannot stop thinking about this video; I have stopped trying to think about anything else. It opens with Rubin telling Kraft, ”We knew you wouldn’t get it yourself.” This is what I told my mother when I got her the nice electric kettle, the one all the Consumer Reports knockoff sites recommend, for Mother’s Day. Is Robert Kraft like my mom? Would he have just bought the cheapest kettle? Without Rubin, Meek, and Jay-Z would Kraft be puttering around town in a 2003 Mazda Protege?
Rubin is kind of joking, I suppose. He mentions that Kraft recently spent a lot of money ($43 million) on a new house, but Kraft does look genuinely delighted by the gift, enough that I am willing to ignore that he said, “How the fudge did you get it” like he’s talking to an audience of babies. (You’re eighty and very rich, dude. You can say fuck.) There’s also a part where Rubin says “it’s been drivin’ on a flatbed” in an incredible Philadelphia accent. If he played the Kate Winslet role in Mare of Easttown he would’ve been a shoo-in for an Emmy.
My favorite part of the video comes at the end. After buying him a Bentley—one Kraft couldn’t even get!—Rubin also hands the Pats owner a giant and quite clearly homemade card with the message: “Happy 80th birthday, except you look 40 and act 25!”
Now, I can ignore that the front of the card looks like it says “Happy 80th birthday, KKK!” I can ignore the bit about Kraft acting 25, when seeing young sex workers is more of an old-guy thing. But I cannot ignore this: This gift is, in part, from Jay-Z (who many consider a top-5 rapper all time) and Meek Mill (who, despite losing a rap battle to a Canadian actor, still released the incredible Dreamchasers mixtape). And yet the card is an oversized handmade puffy-lettered special, with a slogan that Hallmark would reject from its Shoebox line for being too tacky. You’d never catch Maxine being this corny.
Anyway, that is how my head exploded. A happy belated Robert Kraft’s 80th Birthday to everyone.