Jacksonville Jaguars move to a 4-1 record atop the NFL with a stunning victory. The news is so big and good that I've been cold-calling people right out of the phone book to let them know about it. With a wink and a grin!
**RING RING**
LADY: Hello?
ME: Excuse me miss, is your refrigerator running? Well, you better go catch it—it's probably running out to celebrate the Jaguars' 4-1 record!
LADY: Oh, boo!
ME: 
The next time your phone rings, don't be surprised if it's the No. 1 Jaguars fan!
**RING RING**
MAN: Hello?
ME: Excuse me sir, have you heard the good news?
MAN: Is this Hamilton Nolan? Caller ID says it's you. As a matter of fact, I'm glad you called. I was going to be reaching out to you anyhow. Mr. Nolan, my name is Special Agent Derrick Banks. I'm with the FBI. It's my duty to inform you that you should retain the services of an attorney. We're in the fairly advanced stages of an investigation into a felony fraud case centered on a Beanie Baby–selling operation that you were at the very heart of. I think you know what I'm talking about.
ME: No, not the good news about Jesus—the news that Jaguars are 4-1!
MAN: On or about November 4 of last year, our evidence indicates that you hired a Malaysian manufacturing firm to produce 1,500 felt toys resembling an elephant. You then had said manufacturing firm affix counterfeit Beanie Baby labels to said elephants. You then proceeded to sell these toys on eBay under the listing "GENUINE RARE 100% MOO DANG Beanie Baby-- Collector Item-- Still in Original Packaging." No part of your advertisement was true. These items were not genuine, they were not rare, they were not Beanie Babies, and they had no formal affiliation with Moo Dang, who is not an elephant, but a hippopotamus, and is named Moo Deng. In fact, your fraud was so transparent that you might have escaped without selling any of these crude forgeries, except for the fact that when one customer messaged you to ask whether the items were full of drugs, you replied "Yes." They were not. Your fraud there is an additional crime. Had they in fact been full of drugs, that would have been a crime as well.
Look, Mr. Nolan—I'm not really into "perp walks." I'm OK allowing you to come in and surrender yourself quietly. But you need to do it soon. Otherwise, we're going to show up at your door, and this whole thing will only get harder.
ME: 
MAN: You might be wondering how we tracked you down. I guess it won't hurt to tell you now. We found surveillance footage of you in a Winn-Dixie grocery store carrying an enormous bag of these counterfeit elephants, which you must have been too nervous to leave unattended in your car. When we interviewed the cashier who was in the checkout lane that night, she remembered you well. "He had six big tubs of Kozy Shack rice pudding. That was all. Said he was going to eat it for dinner," she said. "He kept trying to trade me one of those toys for his pudding. I told him we don't operate like that. He was very insistent. Finally he paid in cash. Then he ate a whole one of those tubs right there in the store. What kind of man is that?" She seemed rather disturbed, honestly.
That was the last cold call I did but I might do some more. Any day we could die, you know. All of this could come crashing down at any moment.
“Jaguars Junction” is an independent source of football analysis unaffiliated with any professional sports franchise.
