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This Is So Stupid

It’s Now Illegal To Draw Any Conclusions From Ben Simmons Workout Videos

Bad news, everyone: After consulting with the people in charge of these things, it is my duty to inform you that it is illegal to generate any sincere analysis from footage in which Philadelphia 76ers player Ben Simmons tosses up threes at an open run. Anyone who views these clips and insinuates that Simmons might be "built different," is becoming "a problem," or could possibly have found a "next level" will be subject to a heavy fine and possible jail time. Keep this in mind as you watch the following clip of Simmons at a recent open run with some other NBA players:

The Ben Simmons Anti-Sucker Act was established via executive order after a review of a persistent pattern of unfounded hype that turned into disappointing results. It is important to emphasize this: Anyone who uses the sideways-looking eyes emoji to describe Ben Simmons pulling up and sinking a couple of long-range shots in an August scrimmage can now be charged with a crime. The same goes for anyone who reveals themselves to be genuinely impressed by any clip of Simmons as he makes uncontested three-pointers in a shooting drill. If you think there is some sort of useful takeaway within a video of Simmons as he trades threes with Rajon Rondo, in a regular-ass gym, you could be subject to a federal investigation.

These new laws take effect today, and will remain in place until Simmons has scored at least 10 three-pointers in his career. There are additional bylaws that will trigger the formation of a "reconsideration committee" if he makes one three-pointer in a playoff game, two jump shots in a playoff game, or three shots of any kind in the fourth quarter of a playoff game.

That said, it remains completely legal to admire any dunk by Ja Morant of the Memphis Grizzlies, even if the dunk takes place during a meaningless scrimmage. That guy can jump.

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