Welcome to the Defector College Football Watch Guide, where Israel Daramola and Ray Ratto will tell you which of the weekend’s college football games are worth giving a crap about.
Ray: Does Alabama (9) still hate Kalen DeBoer? Has enough time passed since the opening weekend loss to a Florida State (34) team that has since lost its last four, including a weekend loss at Stanford (101)? The answers are, respectively, yes and no—yes, they still hate him, and no, the Earth has not exploded so there is still not enough time for him to be cured of what the fan base believes ails him. Still, for those of us not pot-committed to the return of Nick Saban, the Tide have been mighty impressive since that loss. Their past four wins have been over ranked conference rivals Georgia (10), Vanderbilt (15), Missouri (8) and Tennessee (18), which is what the gerbils in the football committee call “a good strength of schedule index.” Never mind that Tennessee rallied in the second half after giving up a 99-yard pick-six to Zabien Brown on the final play of the first. Wins are wins when so few teams can claim a clean sheet at this point in the year. So yes, they still hate Kalen DeBoer, but they are less likely to toss a lit M-80 in his mailbox in the middle of the night. And as long as he keeps winning, he won’t be Billy Napier. Napier, freshly divorced from Florida (38), was the eighth guy in seven full weeks to suddenly have his weekends free (Jay Norvell of Colorado State (108) became the ninth hours later), which is more than just an epidemic—it’s a tradition! Speaking of which, Notre Dame (6) is back in action too after Stooge-slapping USC (16), in case you were worried about their December plans, and by “worried” we of course mean “not worried at all.” In other words, all the fretters and fussers about the new college football are about to be reminded that by new, we of course mean old.
By the way, we have read commenters who would like us to put team rankings next to teams on the theory that only a random number assigned by some college football jackwagon(s) for completely subjective guesswork reasons, so you’ll notice all the parentheses and numbers that we’re going to give you this one time until you, or more truthfully we, are sick of it. We’re using Bill Connelly’s SP+ rankings on ESPN just because we’re not going to go looking for anything better just for your amusement, and besides, we like the gall he displays in ranking Penn State 17th. So you get this one week, and then we’re going to stop because we are not about serving the audience as much as we are about the audience serving us.
Israel: In the end, we always somehow end up back with Alabama (9) and Ohio State (1) as the best teams in the sport. That's not a lot of fun. Everyone's getting fired and these guys are just smiling through it all, can't believe this is their life. Give me something here. Make me believe that the Tide still have a dumb loss in them. Convince me that Ohio State (1) can lose to Indiana (3) or Michigan (21). I need excitement. I can't keep making Bill Belichick and Jordon Hudson jokes or mocking Arch Manning's mechanics. I need some real juice.
And now, the games.
Virginia (50) at North Carolina (98) – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ACC Network
Nahhh, we’re just funnin’ ya. We have nothing left to give you on this burned-out match of a story. No more Jordon. No more Mike Lombardi. No more Bill scaring the fan base by threatening to stay. We’re done. Running on E. Over and out. So quit, or don’t quit. Troll the NFL want ads, or decide you’re too good for them. Take a media job, or sit at home and curse Bob Kraft. Whatever. We’ve lost the power to make you matter to us. – Ray
UCLA (68) at Indiana (3) – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on FOX
The Hoosiers are making people pay attention to them now in that grab-you-by-the-eyelids-and-shake-your-head-until-you-cry kind of way. After cold-cocking Oregon (2) at Autzen in a genuine statement game (as opposed to the hundreds of statement games that state precisely nothing), they did the same to Michigan State (74), thus winning the coveted, kind of, Spittoon. They now draw a revivified Bruins team that has won its last three games and has made its dwindling number of fans forget Old What’s His Name, the coach they fired three weeks in. UCLA gets religion Saturday, though, because Indiana is not only legitimately ranked but becoming That Team if you’re dreaming of a universe that does not include Ohio State (1). – Ray
Ole Miss (12) at Oklahoma (5) – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ABC
A rebound game for both programs, after equally dispiriting stumbles against in-conference competition. We’ll get a feel for how out-the-door Lane Kiffin might already be by the Rebels' performance Saturday. Kiffin might be enticed by the supposedly greener pastures of Florida (38) football, but he might want to do his due diligence and look into the people running Florida’s athletic programs. As for Oklahoma and John Mateer, they have to show that Red River craziness is not a larger sign of anything actually wrong. Mateer might play better after getting a couple more weeks to heal up. Either way, one of these teams will lose and have to deal with yet another season that looked hopeful, only to falter near the goal line. For Ole Miss, though, it might also end up with their coach sneaking out of there like the Homer Simpson GIF. – Israel
South Florida (40) at Memphis (30) – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN2
A great AAC matchup, with the Group of Six team of the year in South Florida going up against another big test in Memphis which is always going to be a thorn in an opponent’s side. Speaking of coaches who might be looking for greener pastures, Alex Golesh will likely end up one of the hotter candidates for some of these bigger jobs, including my own Florida State (34) if they can scrounge enough quarters from the couch to cover Norvell’s buyout. So it is imperative for his career prospects that he come out and showcase exactly why he should be that candidate. Luckily for him, his team has a PhD in scoring, though the ESPN analytic machine has the Tigers as slight favorites. As you can see, Connelly's S&P also has the Tigers ranked above the Bulls, going against Vegas or whatever app you degenerates gamble on. Do they know something nobody else does, or is the Memphis brand so strong that you kinda always think they can win this kind of game? I don't know, but it’s sticking in my craw. – Israel
BYU (20) at Iowa State (33) – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on FOX
After holding off Utah (14) in the Holy War (hey, take it up with them) despite Utes coach Kyle Whittingham going to second-level analysis with “Did some really good things tonight. Out-rushed them, out-threw them, out-first-downed them, but we didn’t score more points than they did,” the Y now heads to Ames for a game that two weeks ago looked like a big deal in the making. That was before the ‘Clones lost back-to-back games at Cincinnati (25) and Colorado (63), though, so the real questions are (a) Is BYU real, (b) How real is real, and (c) How much more real will it get next Saturday in Lubbock against Texas Tech (4)? That’s the Texas Tech that lost at Arizona State (55), mind you, so this may not be quite so daunting for the Cougars, but now that we know everybody has a little stink on them, BYU can swag a bit for the moment. – Ray
Missouri (8) at Vanderbilt (15) – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ESPN
Do you believe in the Commodores yet? This school, with minimal football history but plenty of money to splash around, just bopped LSU (19) for the first time in 35 years behind Heisman candidate Diego Pavia to certify its fastest start since 1950. Yeah, that 1950. The fans even strategized their field-storming to wait until the Tigers left the field so they wouldn’t get fined by the SEC Fun Police, which is top-level planning. Missouri survived a double overtime to beat Auburn (29) and all but assure Hugh Freeze an offseason job hunt, so it’s hard to peg a clear path for either team, but with only six undefeated teams left in the country—Ohio State (1), Indiana (3), BYU (20), Georgia Tech (28), Texas A&M (7) and Navy (57)—who’s to say that one of these two 6-1 teams can’t make a deep run? I mean, other than us, obviously. Fun will be had by someone, anyway. It doesn’t necessarily have to be us. – Ray
Minnesota (49) at Iowa (22) – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS
Very beefy game. Minnesota has a tough defense, and Iowa is Iowa. I watched Minnesota’s Matt Kingsbury throw a Nebraska (26) offensive lineman to the side like a rag doll in order to sack Dylan Raiola, and he’s just a freshman. He might not be able to do that to Iowa, but don’t think he won’t try it. This is a battle of teams that are always better than you think but not as good as they should be, and therefore anything is liable to happen. – Israel
UMass (136) at Central Michigan (114) – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ESPN+
Now that Oregon State (106) withstood whatever it is that Lafayette does to get its first victory of the season, the Minutemen head for Mount Pleasant as one of the two remaining winless teams in the top tier. (Sam Houston (135), the pride of Conference USA, is the other but has a bye.) This game may last less than two hours if only because CMU threw just five passes Saturday in their win over Bowling Green (119), and rank 132nd in passes attempted for the year, ahead of only the three service academies, who never throw, and Rice (113), who went from 40 throws per game a year ago to 15 this season under new coach Scott Abell. But there we go, telling you more than you need, want or should be asked to know. UMass has not beaten an FBS school since ... ohgodohgodohgodmakeitstopmakeitstopmakemybrainstopthinkingaboutthisteamgaaaaaaaaaaaaa! – Ray
Texas (11) at Mississippi State (36) – Saturday, 4:15 p.m. ET on SEC Network
Did you make the classic mistake of thinking that Texas winning Red River in definitive fashion meant this team was back on track? Rookie move. Red River is a vortex where time, rankings, and talent have no bearing on its particular gravity. Texas is exactly the team that struggled against Kentucky (60) last weekend, and that makes them exactly good enough to beat this Mississippi State team, but because they’re on the road and will be driven crazy by cowbells, they will be in prime position to blow this game somehow. – Israel
Stanford (101) at Miami (13) – Saturday, 7 p.m. ET on ESPN
This is mostly to see if the ‘Canes can get a proper mad-on after losing at home to Louisville (24) last Saturday. Few non-partisans have been overwhelmed by Miami’s might, even while the wins kept accumulating, so this will be a game designed mostly to see if they can reassert themselves against a funky Stanford team that just helped Florida State (34) coach Mike Norvell update his resume. After all, keeping up that coach-a-week pace demands both concentration and unchained petulance, which is why we should spare a thought for the Stanford donors, who are the only such group in the nation that cannot fire their coach because Frank Reich already gave notice the day he took the job that he would only do it for this one year. The coward. – Ray
Michigan (21) at Michigan State (74) – Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on NBC
It’s a rivalry game, which counts for something. I think. I can’t make heads or tails of Michigan this year. They have plenty of talent but mostly of the young sort, starting with their young quarterback, who hasn’t been consistent enough. Beating Washington (23) was a good win for them, and now they get to beat up on little brother. My only trepidation is that Michigan should not fuck around and keep this game close, because something stupid happening is exactly what Michigan State needs to survive this matchup. – Israel
North Dakota State (1) at South Dakota State (2) – Saturday, 8 p.m. ET on beats the hell out of us
This is your Downmarket Game of The Week, between the top-ranked team in the FCS according to the Congrove computer rankings (the plucky 7-0 Bison) and the second-ranked team (the equally pluck-endowed 7-0 Jackrabbits). It could legitimately be the national championship game given their respective pedigrees, but as they are in the same league and only 2.5 hours down Interstate 29 from Fargo to Brookings, they meet here and now in what might be the best game of the weekend. Sadly, it will not be played in three-foot snowdrifts for your viewing and beering pleasure, but it will almost surely beat Houston (45) vs. Arizona State (55) for hoots. Also, the tickets are more expensive for this game than any one between unranked teams with the exception of the Sunflower Showdown—Kansas (41) vs. Kansas State (53), as if you couldn’t have guessed—so you’d probably want to watch at home anyway. A close second for Downmarket honors is 2-5 Wittenberg at 0-6 Oberlin in a Division III showdown which we mention not because it is being streamed on shortwave radio, but because Oberlin’s losses this year have been by scores of 88-6, 58-21, 63-0, 38-0, 75-0 and 57-2. Of course we—and yes, we’re speaking for you even though you didn’t ask us to—want the Yeomen to win so we can say unironically and with an eye toward T-shirt sales, “Go Yo!” – Ray
Colorado (63) at Utah (14) – Saturday, 10:15 p.m. ET on ESPN
It’s a testament to all the craziness in college football that Deion Sanders is just kinda able to coast through another unspectacular season with the Buffaloes and nobody even really cares or notices. In fact, the only time Deion can get any attention is when he's having health issues or when Dillon Gabriel has another bad game in Cleveland, inspiring Deion to stump for his son to play. Colorado already got its one surprise win for the year, so there’s not much reason to hope here, unless maybe the Buffs are so used to playing at elevation that they have no problem matching energy with the Utes. I don’t know, I barely even want to watch this game. – Israel
