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Do Not Show Me Garrett Gilbert

Garrett Gilbert
Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

I have never claimed to be a perfect person. I am not always nice. I am an absolutely insufferable gossip. But I will not apologize for the fact that I remember every single person who has ever wronged me or anyone I love. I cannot be blamed for holding grudges that are valid and based in facts! And so, it is absolutely out of my control that every time I see Garrett Gilbert's face, or read his dumb name, my blood boils with a fury made by the memory of a million poorly thrown passes. How could you hold that against me? I am only human.

When I turned on Tuesday(?) Night Football to watch the Washington Football Team take on the Philadelphia Eagles, I did not anticipate that Gilbert would be on the field. How was I to know? I try to forget he exists every chance I get! But there he was. Making an emergency start for the Football Team after more than 20 of their coaches and players were called out for COVID-19 protocol. Classic Garrett Gilbert.

To be clear, I was not very focused on the game. I was mostly watching the three-hour, endless, sad-as-hell Bachelorette finale happening one channel up. But I was flipping back to the game every commercial break (there are approximately one zillion), which is how I knew that the Eagles pretty handily had everything under control. Wow. How sad to see my long-time enemy losing. I felt just awful. I decided to have a martini.

During the third quarter, I flipped back over, only to be TAUNTED by the rude commentary men. Former Texas head coach Mack Brown, they reminded everyone, once chose Garrett Gilbert to be his starting quarterback instead of recruiting Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III. Can you believe this? Do you remember this? As if I have not thought about this every day of my damn life!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

For this is where our enmity was born. It is not really Gilbert's fault that he is my enemy. I'm sure he is a perfectly nice man just trying to make his job work, but it is impossible to see him without also thinking about the fact that Texas, the program Vince Young and Colt McCoy called home, hasn't had a great starting quarterback in over a decade. "AND DON'T FORGET THE 2010 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!!!!" my heart screams. The game that haunts me! That stupid bubble pass! I shan't recount that entire terrible memory for you here again. I am sparing you the terrible reliving I had to do last night.

I want to have sympathy for him. He was only a freshman with no starts in the game that haunts me. Including last night, he has only had two NFL starts. He'd only been employed by the Football Team for five days. He did not have a terrible game, really. He went 20-for-31 for 194 yards without losing a fumble or throwing any of his signature interceptions. I have to respect that he arrived from another team's practice squad this week and pulled off that kind of performance, but I am not happy about it. I must admit I did a small smile when I flipped back to the game and it was over. The Eagles won, 27-17.

But when will I get to live in peace? When will the ghosts of failure leave me be? Please do not force me to look at JALEN HURTS winning while GARRETT GILBERT loses. I am trying to recover. Where did Jalen Hurts, successful quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles last night, go to college? We will not be discussing it at this time. It is too painful.

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