Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it.
We’re on the cusp of the NFL offseason, which portends a great many ruminations. We get our last wall-to-wall weekend of football for this divisional round and then POOF! The sport all but disappears after that. Chances are your team’s season ended weeks ago anyway, as mine did. Once the football ends, there is only thinking about football to subsist on. That usually means obsessing over free agency, the draft, and getting a new head coach for your team who isn’t a complete boob.
Most of all, the NFL offseason allows your mind to wander away from your team so that it can obsess over the league itself. As the number of games shrinks, you glean nits to pick with how this sport is played and, much more importantly, how it’s officiated. This is why every spring brings endless discourse surrounding otherwise minor affairs: the overtime format, the ethics of the tush push, and so on and so forth. Being the visionary that I am, I have already found the most important petty grievance to bring to the NFL’s rules committee:
The fourth-down bluff. I hate it, and I want it destroyed.
You know the ins and outs of the fourth-down bluff by now. Most teams in 2026 just go right for it on fourth down. But more than a few of them would rather bluff going for it, and then burn a timeout to either actually go for it, or to punt. Coward shit either way.
This now happens multiple times every game, especially at the end of the first and third quarters. You can picture what I’m talking about already. The offense stays on the field for fourth down, the announcer is like, “Looks like they’re going for it here!” and then play clock falls below 10 seconds. Once that happens, you know what kinda shit the offense is really trying to pull. They don’t REALLY want to run a play on fourth down. That could be risky! No, they’d rather try (and inevitably fail) to euchre five cheap yards out of the defense by using the hard count. Why, they might even be able to pull an Aaron Rodgers and get a free downfield completion out of the effort!
On a superficial level, the strategy makes a bit of sense. However, the reality is that Aaron Rodgers died many years ago of COVID toe, and defenses know about the whole hard-count thing. As a result, I have watched 99 percent of all fourth-down bluff attempts fail (NOTE: statistic not verified). What the fuck is the point of this anymore? At least when Dan Campbell blows a fourth-down attempt, he doesn’t take the scenic route to get there. But nearly every other coach is like, What if we could convert a fourth down without actually having to, like, do anything? You can’t, chickenshit. The other team knows what’s coming. And any defensive lineman already knows that if he falls for the hard count, he’ll be remanded to the practice squad the following day. This is a low-percentage gambit that wastes everyone’s time, especially mine. And wasting MY time is, without question, the greatest cruelty that human being could inflict upon another.
So here’s my formal proposal: You get one fourth-down bluff attempt per game. That’s it. After that, it’s a penalty. If you let the clock run all the way down, you get assessed a 15-yard penalty, not just five yards. If you attempt to call timeout just as the play clock is about to expire, you’ll be charged that timeout AND assessed a 15-yarder. That’s the new rule, same as how baseball made it illegal for pitchers to attempt a pickoff more than twice. If you object to this idea, then you are the enemy.
And if any coach objects to it, that just means the rule is a good one. Because all NFL head coaches want to exploit any available loophole in the rulebook they can find. They’ll even use every free second on the QB helmet radio (which should probably also be banned, but that’s a take for another time) to do it. The fourth-down bluff represents the worst of those tendencies. This league has already found ways to expedite replay reviews, overtime periods, and even penalty announcements. Here’s more fat to cut. I got all season to yell at you about this, Roger Goodell, and I’m gonna use it. You shithead.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And because I’m brave and strong, I pick every playoff game. All picks are guaranteed to win or your money back (you will not get your money back).
Five Throwgasms
Bills (+1.5) 24, Broncos 20. A few weeks ago, I wrote that this season is basically now or never for the Josh Allen Bills, and for anyone who wants to see them finally win a title. Well, look at what we got here now. All the Bills have to do to win the AFC is topple one of the weakest one-seeds in playoff history, then beat either an offense-free Houston team or an undercooked Pats team next week. The path has never been more wide open.
Now these are the Bills, which means that they could fuck up making a bowl of cereal if asked. But I’m not picking any of these other AFC quarterbacks, least of all Bo fucking Nix, over Josh Allen. Sometimes wishful thinking also applies to the other team, and not just to the perpetually cursed one.
Rams (-3.5) 30, Bears 20. No T.J. Edwards. No starting left tackle. It’s hard for the Bears to keep pulling fourth-quarter miracles out of their ass when their hands are tied behind their back. This is the second straight week I’m picking Matthew Stafford to cover the spread in inclement weather (it’ll be right around zero degrees in Chicago at game time), so fade accordingly.
Also, I love Ben Johnson’s hatred for Green Bay. Every other team should follow that man’s lead.
Four Throwgasms
49ers (+7.5) 20, Seahawks 10. No chance I can get past the Sam Darnold factor here. I desperately want Darnold to get over the hump and become one of the elites, but that man’s eyes go dead in the face of a high-intensity pass rush. That’s never changing. Also: I know that the Niners’ roster has more injuries than an Oregon Trail family, but attrition only makes this weirdo team stronger. You think my election takes are wrong; you should read the handful of “The Niners are fucked” takes I’ve written over at my other job. They’re even wronger! This team is only fucked when it reaches an NFC title game or Super Bowl. Before that? INVINCIBLE.
Texans (+3) 17, Patriots 6. C.J. Stroud played like absolute shit the other night, and the Texans’ defense still turned that game into a boat race. If Stroud reverts to more competent form against New England—and the analytics say he will—then this game will play out the same way. I’m gonna keep riding these Texans until disaster strikes them. Can’t wait to see which round that happens in! Now, let’s talk random crap:
-If you’re like “Hey man, why didn’t Drew say anything about the federal government waging open war on the state of Minnesota?” fear not. I spoke my mind over at my other job just this morning. Roth and I also had Minnesota native Arif Hasan on the podcast to break the situation down from the ground level. Prepare the gallows.
-No need to dance on the Eagles’ grave when their own fans have already spent the past week doing just that. But I’d just like to use this space to say, for the millionth time, fuck Big Dom. Every time this man appears on my TV screen, the Eagles should be fined $50 million. I’m sick to death of him, and I’m sick to death of the Eagles’ whole “Eyyyy we just fight each other because we’re Italian!!! MAMMA MIA!” ethos. I hope Big Dom stubs his toe on a steel table leg.
-All season long, I’ve been ruminating over the fact that only three indoor teams have ever won a Super Bowl: the Rams, Colts, and Saints. It probably means nothing. But you know how I said it’s now or never for the Bills? Well, those fuckers move into a dome next season (Correction: The new stadium will have covered seats but won't be a full dome), so consider this a firm warning.
-I’m very happy that Eric Kendricks got a bit of shine last week when he made the game-ending play against Philly. Eric Kendricks is a cool-ass linebacker. Even if Fred Warner magically comes back to play for the Niners this weekend, I still hope that team finds room for Kendricks to do keep doing wild Eric Kendricks stuff.
-Did you catch ads for the new Applebee’s assault on good taste? Look at this disgusting shit.
That’s right. Applebee’s has reinvented the hamburger by cutting it in half, and then planting both sides down into a puddle of what appears to be pure ejaculate. Even for Applebee’s, this is a new low. This restaurant shouldn’t even have a menu. They should just post a sign outside that says, “We’re gonna empty our garbage onto your plate and charge you $5 for it like the pigs that you are.” Horrible.
Last week: 3-3
Overall: 3-3
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Sick Day,” by Teen Mortgage! As submitted by Cody:
These guys rock. There is something deeply satisfying about a hard and fast two-minute ripper of a song.
Agreed. And props to Teen Mortgage for making this entire video a tribute to Beavis and Butthead. I actually just introduced my sons to Beavis and Butthead the other night, playing them the first clip of the show I could find on YouTube. Not sure they really got it. But I laughed, and again, that’s what really matters.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your current 2025 chopping block:
Brian Callahan—FIRED!
Brian Daboll—FIRED!
Jonathan Gannon—FIRED!
Pete Carroll—FIRED!
Kevin Stefanski—FIRED!
Raheem Morris—FIRED!
John Harbaugh—FIRED!
Mike Tomlin—PEACED OUT!
Shane Steichen
Zac Taylor
Aaron Glenn
Dan Quinn
The Giants never should have hired John Harbaugh. I know he and Mike Tomlin are the shiniest brand-name coaches available, and I know that both coaches win more often than they lose. But how many times are NFL teams (and college teams) gonna watch some big-name dude take a fat-ass contract and then sit on his ass before they realize that these guys are just hunting for a golden parachute? Think of how many of these guys dogged it at their last stops: Pete Carroll, Jimbo Fisher, Brian Kelly, Urban Meyer, Steve Spurrier, Jim Harbaugh. Yeah, I said Jim Harbaugh is dogging it. That motherfucker is 62. He ain’t attacking every day with a ferocity unknown to mankind. He’s using the Chargers job to get free health insurance for his aching bunions. So don’t act surprised when his big brother takes over the Giants and they suck just as badly as they have for the past decade.
(*The above paragraph does not apply to Brian Flores, because Brian Flores got hosed.)
Jim Harbaugh’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“I had to part ways with one of my employees this week, and it never gets easier. But I always take care to do the deed properly. Face to face, man to man, soul to soul. I tell my colleague that I’m so sorry that I have do this. Beyond sorry. Devastated. I’m sorry to you. I’m sorry to your family. I’m sorry to GOD. If you’ve failed in your position under me, than I’ve failed both you and the almighty. I will not forgive myself. I cannot forgive myself. I will spend the rest of my life trying right those I have wronged, you included. I will never sleep. I will punch a cement wall until my knuckles are unrecognizable. I will get on my knees every night before bed and BEG His Lordship for absolution. That is what I deserve. Also, if you need a new gig, I can call up John for you.”
Great Moments In Poop History
Last week’s poop story was a surprisingly heart-wrenching tale. Not this week. Reader Jon sends in this story I call MOIST-ERY DATE:
When I was a sophomore in college, my roommates and I had been spending a Saturday in our usual fashion; watching football, playing video games, eating greasy burgers, and day drinking the cheapest beer we could find. By the time evening rolled around and I was just about completely pickled, I realized that I had a date in about an hour with a girl I had been talking to for weeks. A smarter person would have made an excuse and tried to reschedule. I am not that person, so I decided to push through and spent the next hour trying to sober up. I took an ice-cold shower, shaved, pounded down an extra burger, and polished off the cold coffee that was still in the pot from that morning. I was still fully drunk, but decided that the walk over to my date's apartment would provide enough fresh air that I would definitely be sober once I got there.
She lived on the third floor, and just as I was reaching the top of the stairwell I felt the tremors begin in my gut. No way was I going to annihilate her bathroom before we had even gone on our first date, so I walked the other way down the breezeway looking for a public restroom. Before I found one, I realized that I was out of time and about to shit my pants. I took a quick look around, and seeing that I was alone I dropped trou, hung my ass over the metal railing, and unleashed every single one of that day's bad decisions in an explosive torrent of diarrhea. I took off my socks, used them to wipe, and threw them in the trash before heading back around to her apartment. She met me at the door and we headed down the stairwell towards her car. The perfect crime! The only thing that I hadn't accounted for was that she had parked on the other side of the building from her usual spot.
I will never forget her scream as she turned the corner and saw the sidewalk that I had just Pollocked from three stories up. It looked like someone had tossed a gallon of brown paint over the side, but if the paint had corn in it for some reason. I somehow managed to feign an appropriate level of surprise and disgust, and we spent the entire drive to dinner talking about WHAT KIND OF NASTY MOTHERFUCKER, etc. A week later she broke her lease and gave up her deposit to move into a nicer building, which I felt guilty about, but not enough to ever admit to my crime.
OK, but did you hook up? That’s what inquiring minds really want to know here.
Brick Johnson’s Executive Proposal Of The Week
“Dad, can I go to Minnesota and fight the Karens?... Training? Come on, Woody. I just placed 502nd in the Quest Chips Call of Duty tournament. That’s top two percentile, dad. I even placed higher than my buddy @GunShowTix. I can basically do anything a Navy SEAL can do. Get me a mask and an AR-15 and I’ll show those losers what a real man looks like.”
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Beerlao! From Laos! What, did you think this beer came from Alberta? Don’t be a silly goose. Here’s Alex with the breakdown:
Mrs. Beer Man and I went to a local Laotian restaurant that we hadn't been to since before the pandemic. The beer list was short, but had a Laotian brew called Beerlao. When in doubt, go for the hometown brand. It's a pale lager made with malt and polished rice, which beer nerd professionals call an adjunct lager. It does what it says on the label ("Smooth and Refreshing") and went very well with my kua mee noodles and crispy beef jerky.
Fuck, now I want some Laotian food. Curse you, Alex!
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans
Amadeus, which remains a perfect film. Somehow I talked my wife, who’d never seen this movie, into watching it the other night. I myself hadn’t watched it in decades, so both of us got to experience it with fresh eyes. Watch the clip above and you’ll wish they’d given F. Murray Abraham two Best Actor statues instead of one. Ditto Peter Shaffer’s screenplay. Has anyone ever written about music as well as Shaffer did for that scene? Not in my experience.
Speaking of music, Amadeus still stands as proof that a lot of movies are better off borrowing their scores from the old masters whose work now firmly resides in the public domain. That’s why Kubrick used Strauss. Game recognizes game. Four stars. Tom Hulce’s grating cackle will haunt your dreams forever.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Faster, Knight Boat. We gotta catch those starfish poachers.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
