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This Is So Stupid

Donald Trump’s Departing Song Left Us Much To Consider

Donald Trump

Photo by Pete Marovich – Pool/Getty Images

Donald Trump, the former president of the United States, boarded a flight from Washington D.C. to Florida this morning shortly after making his final address, which ended with him saying, "Goodbye, we love you. We'll be back in some form... Have a good life." Okay. But what occurred immediately after the speech is what's really important.

As Trump turned and waved, something beautiful happened: a bass drop slid in over the loudspeakers and "Y.M.C.A." played him onto Air Force One for the final time. This is a fittingly jarring finale to a presidency stuffed with its share of uncanny musical moments, but, as the toilet-brained folks over at NewsMax noted in the clip below, it's also a sign to this great nation of patriots that things will turn out alright.

I absolutely agree, however, my one quibble with these quasi-literate ding dongs is that they didn't follow through on a good idea. The first line of "Y.M.C.A." is but one clue that unlocks a four-minute and 47-second codex about what is to come. That Trump chose to play this song as the final statement of his presidency to send a clear message to his supporters and loved ones is beyond dispute. That he did so to speak to his loser children is less clear, but obvious once you read the symbols. Open your mind, and follow me.

Verse 1

Young man there's no need to feel down
I said young man pick yourself off the ground
I said young man 'cause your in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy

Young man there's a place you can go
I said young man when you're short on your dough
You can stay there and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

The object of this verse is, as the talking golden retriever correctly guessed on NewsMax, Trump himself. It's a clear message of hope for his post-presidency. "New in town" is not literally true, but all the other stuff about having a bad day and being short on cash apply. "Many ways to have a good time" = doing crimes, etc.

Verse 2

Young man, Are you listening to me
I said, young man, what do you want to be
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams,
But you've got to know this one thing.

No man, does it all by himself
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.
I'm sure they can help you today

Here Trump is speaking to the first child, the golden baby, mama's good boy: Donald Trump Jr. The meme dunce and alleged CrossFit liar shed a few tears today while watching his father speak on stage, but Pa Pa did provide a message of hope to his dim son via the power of song. Trump the elder is saying that Trump the younger can still pursue his dream and become president, so long as he sets aside his pride and asks for help from the right person. That's right: Y.M.C.A. stands for "Young Man, Criss Angel." Trump Jr. must turn to the occult for help in these dark times.

Verse 3

Young Man, I was once in your shoes,
I said, I was down and out with the blues
I felt, no man cared if I were alive
I felt the whole world was so jive

That's when someone came up to me
And said young man take a walk up the street
There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.
They can start you back on your way.

While Trump Jr. looks determined to pursue a career in politics, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are staring down the barrel of a harsh acclimatization back to New York high society. Will their old pals truly accept these two disgraced strivers, or will the sins of the father and the daughter and the son-in-law be visited upon, well, the daughter and the son-in-law? I'll let you in on some New York lingo that unlocks this one. People in the "Big Apple" sometimes lop the word "Wall" off of "Wall Street." Thus, "Take a walk up the street" is a clue to go to Wall Street in pursuit of salvation. What awaits them there? If the "C.A." initials applied to Trump Jr. (initialization order clearly goes in reverse order of who Trump likes the most), then we're looking for a Y.M. clue here. Boom: Yukio Mishima. Javanka must secure Japanese capital, and then use it for a Mishima-style coup. Anyway, I wonder if Trump looked up how Mishima died.

Verse 4

There is no Verse 4, because Donald Trump is unaware of his third, fourth, or fifth children.

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