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Ray Ratto

CARSON, CALIFORNIA - FEBRUARY 20: Mallory Pugh #9 of the United States celebrates her goal against New Zealand with teammates during the SheBelieves Cup 2022 at Dignity Health Sports Park on February 20, 2022 in Carson, California. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

U.S. Soccer Got Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into One Good Decision

Billy Haisley

Meikayla Moore of New Zealand hunches over after scoring her third own goal of the game against the USWNT.

Poor New Zealand Defender Scores A Devil’s Hat-Trick For The USWNT

Harry Kane of Tottenham Hotspur celebrates after scoring their side's third goal during the Premier League match between Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur at Etihad Stadium on February 19, 2022 in Manchester, England.

Harry Fucking Kane

Luis Paez-Pumar

Virgil van Dijk and Ibrahima Konate of Liverpool FC celebrate a victory at the end of the of UEFA Champions League Round Of Sixteen Leg One match between FC Internazionale and Liverpool FC at Giuseppe Meazza Stadium on February 16, 2022 in Milan, Italy.

Liverpool’s Defense Is What Makes The Club Elite

Bernardo Silva of Manchester City applauds the Manchester City fans during the UEFA Champions League Round Of Sixteen Leg One match between Sporting CP and Manchester City at Estadio Jose Alvalade on February 15, 2022 in Lisbon, Portugal.

The Manchester City Train Keeps Running Opponents Over

Paris Saint-Germain's French forward Kylian Mbappe celebrates after scoring a goal during the UEFA Champions League round of 16 first leg football match between Paris Saint-Germain (PSG) and Real Madrid at the Parc des Princes stadium in Paris on February 15, 2022.

Paris Belongs To Kylian Mbappé

Newcastle United's French midfielder Allan Saint-Maximin (2nd L) vies with Everton's English midfielder Dele Alli (2nd R) during the English Premier League football match between Newcastle United and Everton at St James' Park in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, north east England on February 8, 2022.

Newcastle Is Not Worthy Of Allan Saint-Maximin, But It’s Getting There

Barcelona's players celebrate their victory at the end of the Spanish league football match between FC Barcelona and Club Atletico de Madrid at the Camp Nou stadium in Barcelona on February 6, 2022.

Who Can Fix Atlético Madrid?

Senegal's forward Sadio Mane looks at the trophy prior to the ceremony after winning after the Africa Cup of Nations (CAN) 2021 final football match between Senegal and Egypt at Stade d'Olembe in Yaounde on February 6, 2022.

Sadio Mané Found Instant Redemption In The AFCON Final

Patrick Redford

ST. PAUL, MN - FEBRUARY 02: Christian Pulisic #10 of the United States celebrates after scoring a goal against Honduras in the second half of a World Cup Qualifying game at Allianz Field on February 2, 2022 in St. Paul, Minnesota. The United States defeated Honduras 3-0. (Photo by David Berding/Getty Images)

USMNT Thrives In Torture Chamber Of Its Own Making

Julian Alvarez of Argentina plays the ball during a training session on January 31, 2022 in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Please, Manchester City, Do Not Ruin Julián Álvarez

Tom Ley

Well That Was Annoying

Mason Greenwood Arrested Following Rape And Assault Allegations

COLUMBUS, OHIO - JANUARY 27: Christian Pulisic #10 of the United States makes a corner kick in the second half during the World Cup qualifying game against El Salvador at Lower.com Field on January 27, 2022 in Columbus, Ohio. (Photo by Emilee Chinn/Getty Images)

USMNT Wins Procedurally Generated World Cup Qualifier

Fifa President Gianni Infantino speaks at Jerusalem Post's annual conference on October 12, 2021 in Jerusalem, Israel. The conference featured officials, diplomats and business leaders discussing the health, economic and security challenges facing Israel

FIFA President: The Transcendent Power Of The World Cup Will Keep Refugees From Drowning

Manchester City's Belgian midfielder Kevin De Bruyne is tackled by Southampton's Ghanaian defender Mohammed Salisu during the English Premier League football match between Southampton and Manchester City at St Mary's Stadium in Southampton, southern England on January 22, 2022.

Mohammed Salisu Wrecked Manchester City’s Shit

COMMERCE CITY, CO - MARCH 22: Fans of the United States national team cheer, wave a flag, and sing as snow falls during a FIFA 2014 World Cup Qualifier match between Costa Rica and United States at Dick's Sporting Goods Park on March 22, 2013 in Commerce City, Colorado. (Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images)

There’s No Good Reason To Send The USMNT Into The Freezing North

Barcelona's French forward Ousmane Dembele controls the ball during the Spanish league football match between FC Barcelona and Elche CF at the Camp Nou stadium in Barcelona on December 18, 2021.

Wow Would You Look At That, Barcelona Is Still Miserable

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 16: Zack Steffen of Manchester City celebrates after the Premier League match between Manchester City and Burnley at Etihad Stadium on October 16, 2021 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Jan Kruger/Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Zack Steffen

That Couldn’t Have Gone Any Worse

USA's forward Paul Arriola (R) points to forward Daryl Dike (L) after an opportunity during the Concacaf Gold Cup quarterfinal football match between USA and Jamaica at the AT&amp;T stadium in Arlington, Texas on July 25, 2021. (Photo by Andy JACOBSOHN / AFP) (Photo by ANDY JACOBSOHN/AFP via Getty Images)

What Is This USMNT Guy’s Deal: Daryl Dike

Granit Xhaka of Arsenal leaves the field of play after being sent off during the Carabao Cup Semi Final First Leg match between Liverpool and Arsenal at Anfield on January 13, 2022 in Liverpool, England.

Granit Xhaka, Granit Xhaka, Voyez Rouge?

AFCON Referee Escapes The Shackles Of Time

Liverpool's Brazilian midfielder Philippe Coutinho (C) shoots to score the opening goal of the English Premier League football match between Liverpool and Swansea City at Anfield in Liverpool, north west England on December 26, 2017.

Coutinho Has Another Chance To Be Coutinho Again

Don’t Put Commercials In Soccer, You Assholes