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<p>Columnist. Author of many <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Drew-Magary/e/B001JS8R52/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_book_1">fine works of literature</a>, including <em>Point B</em>. Handsomest man in the world.</p>


Drew Magary

An abundance of Christmas decorations in front of a house in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, on December 24, 2009. (Photo by Creative Touch Imaging Ltd./NurPhoto)

Have We Reached Peak Inflatable Christmas Decoration Inflation?

KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI - JUNE 15: In this handout image provided by the Kansas City Chiefs, Travis Kelce and Patrick Mahomes of the Kansas City Chiefs pose during the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl LVII Ring Ceremony at Union Station on June 15, 2023 in Kansas City, Missouri. (Photo by Handout/Kansas City Chiefs via Getty Images)

True Confessions: I Am A “Count The Ringzz” Bro

Long Beach, CA - July 29:Billy the Puppet, from the "SAW" horror film franchise, making its first public appearance, as part of the "SAW X" film promotion and exhibit inside Midsummer Scream, a Halloween and horror convention, at Long Beach Convention Center, in Long Beach, CA, Saturday, July 29, 2023. The latest installment of the series follows serial killer Jigsaw, as he exacts revenge against con artists. The gathering, from Friday through Sunday, features all things Halloween and in the horror genre, with many attendees dressing up as their favorite characters, across TV, film, comics and animation. (Jay L. Clendenin / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)

I Would Not Make A Good Jigsaw Killer

ARLINGTON, TX - OCTOBER 28: Alek Thomas #5, Corbin Carroll #7 and Lourdes Gurriel Jr. #12 of the Arizona Diamondbacks celebrate after the Diamondbacks defeated the Texas Rangers in Game 2 of the 2023 World Series between the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Texas Rangers at Globe Life Field on Saturday, October 28, 2023 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Rob Tringali/MLB Photos via Getty Images)

Now That I Think About It, The Unwritten Rules Of Baseball Are Actually Cool

Ray Ratto

A little girl in a witch outfit and a jack-o-lantern are in a spooky window

Should Halloween Always Be The Last Saturday In October?

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 16: Actors Jeff Bridges (L) and John Goodman attend "The Big Lebowski" Blu-ray release at the Hammerstein Ballroom on August 16, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by D Dipasupil/FilmMagic)

A Requiem For “Dude”

The driver rating screen in an Uber app is seen February 12, 2016 in Washington, DC. - Global ridesharing service Uber said February 12, 2016 it had raised $200 million in additional funding to help its push into emerging markets.The latest round comes from Luxembourg-based investment group LetterOne (L1), according to a joint statement. (Photo by Brendan Smialowski / AFP) (Photo by BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images)

The Five-Star Rating System Is Dogshit. Here’s How We Can Fix It

08 March 2022, Baden-Wuerttemberg, Rottweil: Various streaming services can be seen on the display of an iPhone SE. Photo: Silas Stein/dpa (Photo by Silas Stein/picture alliance via Getty Images)

The Future Of Streaming Will Look A Lot Like The Present Of Streaming

FUNBAG header art, it's a B&W image of a woman hitting a guy with a briefcase or book or something

Beware Of Assholes Trying To Co-Opt Mental Health Awareness

DW Griffith, Mary Pickford, Charlie Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks signing contract establishing United Artists motion picture studio. (Photo by: Photo12/Universal Images Group via Getty Images)

A Unified Theory Of The Death Of The Movie Star

In this photo taken on September 11, 2023, BYD electric cars waiting to be loaded on a ship are stacked at the international container terminal of Taicang Port at Suzhou Port, in China's eastern Jiangsu Province. (Photo by AFP) / China OUT (Photo by -/AFP via Getty Images)

Which Automaker Has The Ugliest Cars?

CLEVELAND, OHIO - APRIL 29: Trey Lance poses with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell onstage after being selected third by the San Francisco 49ers during round one of the 2021 NFL Draft at the Great Lakes Science Center on April 29, 2021 in Cleveland, Ohio. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

Let’s Remember Some Disappointments!

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 3: Out of town tourists check a subway map on April 3, 2023 in New York City. Officials in New York City expect 61 million tourists to visit in 2023, an increase of 9% over 2022 figures of 56.4 million. (Photo by Robert Nickelsberg/Getty Images)

It’s No Sin To Be A Tourist

Golfer Scottie Scheffler, mid-swing, with a Funbag badge at the end of his club.

The Ryder Cup Is The Only Good Form Of Team Golf

TORONTO, CANADA - SEPTEMBER 29: A Toronto Blue Jays fan wears a parrot on his helmet in homage to the home run power of Edwin Encarnacion #10 during MLB game action against the Baltimore Orioles on September 29, 2016 at Rogers Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. (Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Edwin Encarnacion

Can I Wear A Batting Helmet Casually Or Will Everyone Think I’m Cuckoo?

Alex Sujong Laughlin

WASHINGTON, DC - April 7: The fossilized 36 million-year-old skeleton of a tree squirrel known as Douglassciurus jeffersoni is on display as part of the "Objects of Wonder" exhibit at the Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History. Paleontologist Gene Hunt, pictured, said it's one of the most complete prehistoric squirrel skeletons ever discovered. (By John Kelly/The Washington Post)

Where Are All The Squirrel Skeletons?

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<div>Abigail Segel is a contributing writer at Defector. She is also an editor for The IX Soccer and the Equalizer. Her work has been published in the Guardian and the Montreal Gazette.</div>
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Abigail Segel

The Blue Ridge Parkway passes through the Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina, USA, circa 1970. (Photo by Archive Photos/Getty Images)

What Are The Best Roads In America?

An open sign in the window of a gift shop is seen in Times Square on August 16, 2020 in New York. Five months after New York City shut down to combat the coronavirus, the tourism industry remains flat. Business leaders and City officials are trying to devise plans to revive the tourism industry that has in years past brought in $45 billion annually and supported 300,000 jobs. (Photo by Bryan R. Smith / AFP) (Photo by BRYAN R. SMITH/AFP via Getty Images)

Police Merch Is Its Own Horrible Little Fiefdom

COMBLOUX, FRANCE - JULY 18: Olivier Le Gac of France and Team Groupama-FDJ sprints during the stage sixteen of the 110th Tour de France 2023 a 22.4km individual climbing time trial stage from Passy to Combloux 974m / #UCIWT / on July 18, 2023 in Combloux, France. (Photo by Tim de Waele/Getty Images)

Could A Normal Person Finish A Tour de France Mountain Stage On An E-Bike?

LIVERMORE, CA - JULY 18: A Safeway customer browses in the fruit and vegetable section at Safeway's new "Lifestyle" store July 18, 2007 in Livermore, California. Safeway unveiled its newest Lifestyle store that features numerous organic and natural foods as well as expanded produce, meat, seafood and floral departments. The store also offers freshly made desserts and baked goods, a coffee roaster, a fresh nut bar and wine section with over 2,000 wines, some of which are stored in a climate controlled wine cellar. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Time For War: I’m Ranking Supermarket Chains

For Independence Day, An EXPLOSIVE Question About Doors

BEREA, OH - JULY 28: Microphones of HBO's "Hard Knocks" series hover over the Cleveland Browns offense during a training camp practice on July 28, 2018 at the Cleveland Browns training facility in Berea, Ohio. (Photo by Nick Cammett/Diamond Images/Getty Images)

Let ‘Hard Knocks’ Die Already

<p>Hamilton Nolan is a journalist based in New York City. Subscribe to his work at <a href="https://www.hamiltonnolan.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.hamiltonnolan.com/&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1687350200913000&amp;usg=AOvVaw0naFbUVOe-5ZgtPDtIM3gz">HamiltonNolan.com</a>.</p>


Hamilton Nolan

(EXCLUSIVE, Premium Rates Apply) LOS ANGELES, CA - MARCH 05: **EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE** Actor Gilles Marini attends the FAGE Total Yogurt Bar at The 25th Spirit Awards Official Presenter Lounge held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on March 5, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Charley Gallay/WireImage)

You Can Probably Eat More Yogurt Than You Think

(MANDATORY CREDIT Ebet Roberts/Getty Images) UNITED STATES - AUGUST 01: LOLAPOLOOZA Photo of Eddie VEDDER and PEARL JAM and Stone GOSSARD, L-R: Stone Gossard and Eddie Vedder performing live onstage (Photo by Ebet Roberts/Redferns)

Who Is Our Least Intelligible Singer?

WUHAN, CHINA - NOVEMBER 23: (CHINA OUT) Zhang Juncai, one of China's tallest men, who measures 2.42 metres in height, walks through the streets on November 23, 2004 in Wuhan, China. Zhang, from Shanxi province, is in Wuhan to seek treatment for his overweight problem. (Photo by China Pix/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Zhang Juncai