Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about the Bears, well-done meats, Monty Python, and more.
Your letters:
Mitchell:
The CFP committee should have members on a media blackout all year. That way, when they review resumes at the end of the year, they just see an 8-3 team with two really bad losses and rank them accordingly, without knowing that it's Alabama. This would fix the playoffs, right?
You know that it’s gripe season in college football when people are proposing fixes to a playoff format that has yet to begin its existence. Let me tell you something about college football: it will always give Alabama a chance to win shit it doesn’t deserve to win. If you run a program that routinely contends for national championships and is always on TV, you will get into a Bowl Alliance/BCS/CFP/XFBCA game over a more deserving nobody. It doesn’t matter what kind of postseason this sport has, it’ll still be rigged according to its own internal politics.
You’re talking to a guy who watched Florida—back when that program mattered—win a title by beating Florida State right after losing to Florida State. An absolute dogshit champion winning in the most uninspiring, dogshit way possible. None of this is new. The greatest lie that college football ever sold was that it has the most important regular season of any sport. I was raised on that lie. I was raised on the idea that you had to go undefeated if you wanted a shot. Unless you were Bama, or Ohio State, or peak Florida, or peak FSU, or peak Nebraska. If you were any of those schools, you somehow got a mulligan. You still will. Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois this year and is still gonna get a top seed. Replace the committee with a team of blindfolded chimps and they’ll still cook up a bracket that will outrage 95 percent of rivals.com users.
The outrage is, of course, the point. This is an argument economy we live in, so it behooves our sports overlords to keep us bickering with one another for no meaningful purpose. That will remain true even with a 12-team CFP bracket going into effect this year. Bama will get in over Miami and the ESPN car wash will get 400 hours of programming out of it. It’ll be one, endless asterisk fight. Then everyone will tune into the Tide’s first-round game to see if they’re frauds, or if they’ll win another title because the world is unfair. More arguments will ensue.
Unless you’re an old guy like me and you know better than to jump into the fray. There’s freedom in accepting that college football is hopelessly corrupted. That’s especially true this year, because the mere sight of the 12-team bracket has sent me drooling. Arizona State might make the field! So might Indiana! And SMU! Remember SMU? With the death penalty and all of that stuff? They’re back! Kinda! All of these teams will be served up as appetizers for the Georgias of the field, but I’m still 100 percent in on this new racket. College football has been crying out for December Madness my whole life, and now it’s about to become a reality. I promise you that, no matter who gets fucked, this will be better than the old way of doing shit. The good ol’ boys will still get to hog the spoils, but at least they’ll have to navigate a genuine postseason this time, instead of campaigning to get into a shit bowl game against some other asshole team I hate.
More important, the expanded playoff has made the regular season more important, not less. If you’re some big conference also-ran—like Indiana!—suddenly you have a shot if you can manage a 10-plus win season. And if you’re a committee darling like Ohio State, you can make the playoff but you’re still gonna get crushed by everyone for losing to a Michigan team that doesn’t know how to pass the ball. I’ve wanted this sort of playoff for as long as I’ve been a college football fan, so I’m not about to turn boomer and tell you how much better things were back when the SWC got an automatic bid to the Cotton Bowl. Fuck that shit. I don’t care about what’s fair. I only care about what’s cool to watch. This will be cool to watch.
Ryan:
Recently got my son Madden. We’ve been playing a bunch lately and the last game, I was up by a FG. He punted it back to me with a little over two minutes left. I did what any prudent coach would do and run the ball/clock down. My son lost his goddamn mind, so my question: is this child abuse? Or do the kids need to learn how to manage the clock?
With all due respect, fuck them kids. This isn’t a birthday party. It’s Madden. If you reward your son for pulling a Mario Cristobal and kicking when he shouldn’t, then he won’t be prepared to do battle with his fellow bros. In fact, you have to give your child shit right away if they dare to punt the ball in Madden. You have to be like, “Bro, what are you doing? No one punts in Madden, you fucking loser. NOW DRINK!” That’s how you prepare a child for the harsh travails of the real world … of gaming.
On a related note, I tried playing FIFA against my son once. When it was clear that I was outmatched, I said “Fuck this” and threw my controller down. Again, this is how real-world bros play the game. Best your kids learn now.
Matt:
Do you think there are bad teams with good team chemistry, either professional or high level collegiate? I’m talking teams that suck and lose a lot, but seem to enjoy playing together.
Sure, if you take camaraderie as the definition of team chemistry. I’ve played on shitty teams where everyone got along, and on good teams where some players hated others. “Chemistry,” by that definition, means nothing. When a professional team has the winning form of chemistry, it just means that every player on that team knows how to work with every other player. They know each other’s assignments, and they trust that everyone will do their job on any given play. None of that requires friendship. It’s the same as any workplace. There are people you work well with who aren’t your real life friends, and vice versa. But the “we’re all chums!” idea of chemistry persists because A) people want it to, and B) it makes for easy content.
It’s just like how every NFL team wants “character guys.” That means jack shit. Every NFL team would keep a serial killer on the roster if they thought it would help them win. Ask the Browns. You don’t win Super Bowls with a team of future astronauts. You win it with a group of reliable professionals: guys you can trust to do their work capably and consistently, no matter what kind of asshole they might be off the field. That’s what teams really mean by “character.” They want players who know what the fuck they’re doing.
Derek:
I recently rewatched a bunch of Monty Python’s Flying Circus for the first time in 20+ years. All the sketches you know and love are still there and still hilarious, but the overall quality is much more uneven than I remember. Also, it looks like it was filmed with a potato. I’m having a hard time imagining ever getting my kids to watch this show. Are millennials the last generation that will know or care about Monty Python?
Not necessarily. All of my kids have seen Holy Grail and laughed at it. I can quote that movie to them without fear of being labeled a dork. But that movie represents the full extent of my children’s Python exposure. They’re never watched the original BBC series, and they haven’t watched any of the troupe’s other films or side projects (Fawlty Towers, Fish Called Wanda, etc). There’s little chance I’ll ever get them into the full Python EU, because so much of the group’s work is objectively uneven, and people growing up in the digital age aren’t going to tolerate the idea of having to sift through some chaff to find some wheat.
This is because streaming and on demand gives viewers the power to consume all wheat, all day long. No having to sit through bad sketches. No forcing yourself to listen to a dud album track because you’re too lazy to fast forward the cassette. Hell, you can skip past the parts of movies and shows that you find boring if you like (although I have zero respect for anyone who does this). This is a nice luxury to have, but it also means that you’re not gonna dig deep into an artist’s back catalog if you don’t think it’s gonna be the best thing ever.
This is where the Python legacy is likely to fade away. I have watched every episode of Flying Circus and committed just about every sketch to memory. But you have to be a completist to get where I am, and the only reason I’m a Python completist is because I often had nothing else to watch when I was 12. I had the time to consume the whole thing, and I look back on that time perhaps more fondly than I do some of the sketches. Python was groundbreaking for its age, which means that its members were always testing new ideas, risking failure in the process. That’s how art is supposed to work, but it doesn’t necessarily align with modern audiences who expect every gag to be as good as The Parrot Sketch. This is why no one in this house knows what I’m talking about when I spontaneously quote the Killer Sheep episode while cooking lamb chops.
Chris:
I'm 42. I had my mid-life at 38 and, honestly, I've long since accepted that I'm no longer young. That being said I am still, constantly, catching myself looking at people and thinking, "they are older than me," before squinting and realizing, "Oh my God. I'm pretty sure we're about the same age. Do I really look that old?" Does this ever stop?
It does if you look as good as I do at 48. In all seriousness, I promise that you can always find people your age who look way older than you. Always. Go to your next high school reunion if you don’t believe me. You’ll see people in your class who have gotten incredibly wrinkled, bald, frumpy, and/or diseased. Some of them will look better than you, but don’t focus on that. Focus on the fact that Johnny the Homecoming King looks like Nick Nolte after half a bag of Quaaludes now.
Also, it’s okay to look old. Growing old is what people do. Even if you treat yourself to some Botox, you’ll still look like an old person with Botox. There’s no avoiding it. In fact, the harder you try to look younger, the older you’ll appear. Because who the fuck is buying Ryan Day’s beard? You’ll stop sweating your gray hair when you realize how pointless it is to do so. Meanwhile, younger people will look so, so young to you. 20-omethings look like middle schoolers to me now.
HALFTIME!
Hendrik:
Why the hell do people play o-line? Linemen just run into each other all day and never even get to have the ball to do shit with! Maybe it's because I'm a GLORY BOY, but that would be a dealbreaker for me. I know they're fundamental to team success, but I cannot grasp where the subjective fun is, especially on the o-line where you can't even get sacks and do silly dances. As someone who's obviously enjoyed their time playing, can you enlighten me?
I did NOT enjoy my time playing O-line, and in fact wrote an entire post over on Deadspin about how much it sucked. When you’re a youth football player, you get stuck on the O-line because you suck at all of the cool shit: throwing, running, catching, making cool interceptions. You’re just a husky kid they need to put somewhere inconspicuous. They make the big guys play both lines at that level but, if you’re like me, you get remanded to football right field soon after that if the coaches decide that you’re shit at tackling, too. I only played O-line because I wanted to be a football player, and because that spot was the only choice offered to me if I wanted to be one. Then your position coach tells you that your unit is the most important one on the team (true), and that you’re part of a secret club of grunts that position players are too fancy-pants to understand (not true). Then you false start during a drill and he tells you that you’re a piece of shit.
However, my O-line experience is my own. If you’re GOOD at playing offensive line, and you’re on a team that kicks ass at running the ball, then it’s a much more enjoyable job. You get to shove your guy backward on every down, watch him wear down, and then you get to shove him some more. There’s obvious pleasure to be had from that. If you’re good. If you suck, then every day at practice is a reminder that you’re not gonna be confused with Josh Allen anytime soon, or ever.
Also, pro offensive linemen make shitloads of money. That’s very fun.
Michael:
I'm a Bears fan and very angry and sad this morning. Do you feel bad for Bears fans?
I do. Some Bears fans are shitheads, but every fanbase has those. I’d prefer to live in a world where Caleb Williams is as cool and dangerous as his draft stock promised. That wouldn’t be very good for MY team, which plays in the same division. But I love NFL football in general, especially when there are a lot of good teams to watch. The Bears haven’t been one of those teams this century. They have a desiccated ownership, an awful track record of hiring coaches, and an overstuffed front office that just told the world that it hasn’t quite worked out how it’s going to replace a coach whom they’ve long suspected they’d have to eventually fire. None of that boosts my confidence that this organization will magically get it right this time. The odds are they’ll fuck a duck all over again.
This is shitty if you’re a Bears fan. It’s also not your fault. That’s the curse of being a fan of any team. You have to hope that the team you pick is well run, or at least could become a well-run concern before you die. And yet, millions of Bears fans will die before the McCaskey family elders release the team from their deathly grip. They did ALMOST everything right this time, too. They hired a capable GM. They flawlessly executed the tank job that landed them Williams. And they filled out the roster with vital pieces like Jaylon Johnson, Montez Sweat, and D.J. Moore. But they hired a shit coach to oversee all of it, and now they have to correct that mistake before the entire plan bursts into flames.
I feel for any fan who’s gotta deal with that, because I’ve had to endure my own team’s dysfunctional periods. It’s bad luck, and it’s beyond your control unless you happen to be a bandwagoner. I want good things for the Bears … except when we play them. When my team plays them, I want Chicago humiliated. They obliged me not but two weeks ago. It was pretty exhilarating.
Jeff:
You are wearing jeans and lie down for a nap. While sleeping, you poop yourself. When recounting this story, do you tell people that you shit your pants or that you shit the bed?
My pants. Whichever object ends up with the most shit smeared all over it, that’s what you shat. You can also use the all-purpose “I shat myself” if you still feel like the lines are blurry. I once got extremely drunk, passed out in my bed, and woke up with shit caked inside of my shorts. I shat myself that night. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I definitely know why it did.
Ben:
Over at a friend’s cookout, I got into it with the person in charge of the grill over wanting my burgers well done. They wouldn't shut up about, "IF IT’S WELL DONE YOU LOSE ALL THE SEASONING!!" I'm gonna be putting A1 on my burgers, so that cancels out whatever natural seasoning the burgers had. Just cook my meat the way I want PLEASE. I've always had ketchup or Heinz 57 or A1 on burgers and steaks, yet apparently the food snots have decreed my doing so is some huge crime against food/eating. They all need to be fired into the sun, right?
I’m torn here because you like your meat well done, which is a red flag (ironic!) to me and my food-snob brethren. People like me object in principle to well done meat, which means we’re prone to pushing medium rare burgers and steaks on people who don’t want them. The fact that Trump likes his steaks well done only adds to the tension.
All that said, I always cook shit to order for guests in my home. That’s just basic hospitality, and it’s not like I’m a three-star Michelin chef. I have neither the authority nor the credibility to demand people eat my food in direct accordance with my chefly vision. So long as I don’t have to eat a gray-ass burger, I’m more than happy to do my guest a solid and cook their burger until it could function as a fucking coaster. Any respectable host would do likewise.
Tania:
My son is three years old and he is the sweetest little thing. I know he will not be like this forever, and a day will come when he becomes a surly teenager. He will have his own friends and consume his own media. I feel like the world is filled with shitheads like Andrew Tate and Nick Fuentes spewing misogynistic and hateful messages especially to impressionable teenage boys, and it will only get worse after the recent election. I don't want to be an overbearing parent, but what can I do to keep my son from turning into a little hateful bigot? I know my son is still pretty young and this may be a little early to think about, but it's one of the things that have really kept me up at night.
It kept me up at night years ago as well. Even before Trumpism came to be, I worried that my kids would turn out to be aggro shitheads. A steady diet of Malcolm Gladwell—one of many professional thinkers who have said that peer groups influence kids far more than their parents doo—and indie-fied after school specials like Thirteen will make any new parent feel powerless to shape the identity of their offspring. So I fretted. What if my kid got sucked down the YouTube rabbit hole and became a total dipshit (they once liked PewDiePie)? What if they become hooked on snuff porn the second they got internet access? What if they become school shooters? And what if I can do nothing about it?
Well, the past decade and change has taught me that Gladwell and his ilk were wrong. Maybe my sons will eventually turn Nazi due to unforeseen events. But for now, they’re perfectly normal people. The older one only cares about soccer. The younger one only cares about anime and expensive ramen. They go to school and do their homework without extensive prodding, and they’re nice to other people. This is because their parents have role modeled proper behavior for them. The kids see us working, so they work. They see us helping out around the house, so they help out. They see us grossed out by world events, and exhibit a similar distaste.
They’re not perfect. They do a lot of the same annoying shit that all kids do, and we sometimes have to nag them to do the basics. But it’s all love in, love out. Treat your kids well, and they’ll treat other people well. It doesn’t have to be much more complicated than that. The fact that you’re already concerned for their future welfare already gives them a leg up in the effort. The people who go Nazi are usually people who are unloved. It’s been that way for a long time now.
Mat:
From this moment until the end of your life, all the food you eat will taste like the best version of whatever it is you're eating, no matter who’s prepared it or where you’re eating it. If you're eating pizza, it will taste like the best pizza ever. If you're eating sushi, it's the best sushi ever, etc. BUT from now on, every time you fart it will smell 1% worse than the last fart you made, with no limit on how smelly your farts will become over time. If you accept the deal, the next fart you make will be the baseline.
I take the deal. I can’t smell. My wife will surely be disgusted by my increasing toxic flatulence, but she’ll just make me sleep in a different bedroom if it comes to that. I’m willing to bear that cost if it means that every piece of sushi I eat tastes like a piece of toro cut fresh out of a tuna’s slit belly. Easy money.
John:
If your family has any negative memories around Christmas due to associating it with your hospital stay, do you have any tips? My brother passed two days after Christmas and the Christmas season always bums me out now. My wife carries us during this season to make it extraordinary for our two kids, 12 and nine, but I feel guilt for wallowing in my bad memories. Not all season, but parts of it. I dress up as Santa for our neighborhood lights contest and for our annual extended family visits, but I guess I'm looking to see if others going through similar stress associate a season with such worrying times!
They do. They’re legion, in fact. Christmas hits hard if you lose anyone you’ve shared that time of year with, and the ensuing grief is natural. But you’re already making an effort to lend the season cheer even while you’re still recovering from that loss. I did likewise after I got hurt. Keep at it, year by year, and eventually you’ll have a whole new set of good memories to associate with Christmas. You’ll still think of your brother, but it won’t be the ONLY thing you think of.
That’s why, even this year, I still love Christmas. Christmas doesn’t end when someone dies. It keeps going, just as life itself does. There’s renewal to be had this time of year, AND you get to overeat without compunction. So peace and joy to you and your family, John. It won’t always be ho ho ho, but you’ll still find things to smile about.
Email of the week!
Jared:
A booming voice in our heads says to every person on earth, at the same time, "Don't look down.” Everyone who looks down disappears. How many people are left on earth?
The WHO says there are roughly 40 million fully blind people in the world. There’s your answer. The rest of us go POOF.
