Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Philadelphia Eagles

Some people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Philadelphia Eag—God, I’m exhausted just typing their name. Makes me wanna spit on a guy.

Yes, exactly like that.

Your 2025 record: 11-6. Has there ever been a franchise that’s been this successful while having such miserable vibes? Because there isn’t one coming immediately to mind. These Eagles won the Super Bowl two seasons ago, and yet the fucking Falcons are cheerier by comparison. Pop a Xanax before you read on, because this shit gets dark.

Last season’s Eagles opened up their title defense with four straight victories and—in accordance with Eagles tradition—every one of them was strangely dissatisfying. Any Eagles fan back then would have told you, with their mouth full, that this 4-0 team was secretly quite bad. Those fans were proven correct at the beginning of October, when the Eagles blew a 17-3 fourth-quarter lead at home to Bo Nix and the Denver Broncos. And frankly, that might have been Philly’s most dignified loss of 2025, because the losses that came afterward were enough to make you wanna huff some gasoline.

Take the following week, when Giants RB and Nobel laureate Cam Skattebo blew the doors off the Eagles' vaunted defense (all good defenses must be vaunted) in the Meadowlands. The Eagles followed up that display by blowing a 21-0 lead in Dallas, with Cowboys K Brandon Aubrey nailing the game-winning field goal as time expired. Then they were blown out in another fourth quarter, this time at home to Chicago. Then they lost in overtime to the Chargers when their personality-free QB threw this dogshit pick at the one-yard line.

But because the Eagles had a loaded roster, and because they play in the NFC East, they still made the playoffs with relative ease. In fact, they could have clinched the NFC’s No. 2 seed had they beaten a checked-out Washington squad in the final week of the regular season. Eagles head coach and spiritual ICE agent Nick Sirianni opted to rest his starters for that game, because he figured his backups could get the job done. Well you’re not gonna believe this, but he was wrong. *Le gasp!* Instead, Sirianni’s team fell to the No. 3 seed when they blew another fourth-quarter lead, this time to Immaculate Grid legend Josh Johnson, who scored two TDs in the final frame to pull out a win for the Commanders. After the game, Eagles security director and omnipresent fatass Big Dom surely threatened to have Johnson arrested for “aggravated disrespect.”

But whatever. The Eagles still won the East, and they got to host a Wild Card game against a San Francisco 49ers team that was missing Nick Bosa, Fred Warner, Brandon Aiyuk, Ricky Pearsall, and both its kidneys. Oh, and George Kittle would blow out his Achilles in the second quarter of this game. So naturally, the Eagles went into the fourth quarter with a six-point lead. This shit was in the bag. I mean, what were the Niners gonna do? Pull some hacky gadget play out of the bag to swing the momentum? I’D LIKE TO SEE THEM TRY!

Oh wow, that was way more fun than I expected. Christian McCaffrey caught two touchdown passes in that fourth quarter. Philly tried to rally back from their newfound deficit, only for 56-year-old 49ers linebacker Eric Kendricks to knock away this fourth-down pass to leave the Eagles bereft on the turf.

It was a fitting way to go out, because shit was off from wire to wire. The Eagles’ best wideout, A.J. Brown, did that thing where a star wideout is disgruntled but refuses to explain why. All season long, Brown refused to talk to his QB and then elected to only catch every other pass as a way of showing his inscrutable displeasure. Meantime, that same QB refused to run any play-action, to throw any pass near the middle of the field, to avoid a three-and-out (no team had more of them), or to prove he wasn’t a Boston Dynamics robot. The star running back gave himself the Trump hex and immediately saw his rushing total cut nearly in half from the season prior. And the Tush Push got solved. A midseason trade for edge rusher Jaelan Phillips did nothing. Al from Chester told you these guys were bums, and he was right.

Your coach: Nick Sirianni, Powered By AI™!

Sirianni logged into the artificial intelligence chatbot on a Monday in June—a program he knew so little about that he couldn’t get the name right—and began his research with a prompt: “Give me a great relentless effort true sports story.”

“A great relentless effort true sports story.” Jesus Arnold Christ, this guy must have gotten a 4 on the English portion of his SAT. Good thing he has ChartAPB to help him motivate the troops now.

Because Lord knows he can’t do it himself. Sirianni can’t even get decent coaches to work with him. After kicking 2025 offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo to the curb this offseason, Sirianni interviewed a hundred guys to replace him, only for those candidates to run out of the room screaming. Brian Daboll didn’t want this job, man. Brian Daboll looked at the Tennessee Titans and was like, “Actually, I’ll be happier working there.” And he wasn’t even wrong to think it. Thankfully, Sirianni finally found someone to fall on the grenade. That’s Sean Mannion, seen here smiling like a hostage in a proof-of-life video:

Mannion was one of the worst backups in the NFL just a few years ago, which of course put him on the fast track to coaching stardom. This ain’t your abusive grandpappy’s offense that Mannion will be running! No sir, this man has IDEAS.

Mannion isn't simply tweaking what already existed. He's installing an offense that looks noticeably different from what Eagles fans have grown accustomed to seeing. New terminology, new concepts, more under-center formations, more pre-snap motion, more play-action and a greater emphasis on attacking different areas of the field have all become part of the conversation.

Oh wow, a guy who’s never been an OC before is giving his players an offense that’s wholly unfamiliar to all of them? Now THAT’S what I call a great relentless effort true sports story! Mannion has been getting some industrial-strength glaze from the media this preseason, with ESPN analyst and excitable five-year-old boy Ben Solak declaring the Philly offense “most likely to succeed” in 2026, asking readers, “Anyone else getting the big warm and fuzzies out of Philadelphia?” Oh totally, Ben. How can I NOT get good vibes from a new OC who was the coach’s 15th option for the gig? I haven’t been this excited since Charlie Weis took over at Kansas!

Jeff Stoutland isn’t coming back to coach this O-line, no matter how many Edible Arrangements Eagles fans send him.

Your quarterback: Jalen Hurts, who makes A.J. Hawk look like an extrovert. Hurts hates operating under center, so Mannion plans on forcing him to work under center way more often this season. Hurts never moves off of his first read, so Mannion plans to incorporate all kinds of funky new play designs that force the QB to survey the entire field. And Hurts only attempted 28 passes between the hashmarks all of last season, which represented a career high. So Mannion plans on forcing Hurts to ONLY throw between the hashmarks this time around. This is the strategic equivalent of sticking a funnel down your QB’s throat and pouring bleach into it. Boy do I feel the brotherly love in full bloom here!

Andy Dalton is your new backup. The QB3 is Tanner McKee, whom Eagles fans definitely think is better than Hurts. Keep an eye on that matchup with the Rams on Oct. 4. That following Monday will be when the WIP switchboard is populated exclusively by Bradleys Cooper demanding that McKee take over for the rest of the season.

What’s new that sucks: Your long nightmare of having one of the best wideouts in the game is now over, Eagles fans. THANK GOD. Prior to the draft, general manager Howie Roseman arranged for A.J. Brown to go to New England for a 2028 first-rounder. But, in order to keep Brown’s dead cap money at a mere $50 million, Roseman had to wait another two months to make the trade official. Ever do a heartfelt goodbye with someone, and then they’re like, “Oh, I’m walking in the same direction as you!” so then you have to walk together for another 15 awkward minutes before doing a quickie reenactment of that previous goodbye? This was kinda like that, if the person you were saying goodbye to was Gary Heidnik.

Here to replace Brown as Philly’s deep threat is a grab bag of slobs including Hollywood Brown (yes, he’s still in the league!), former Packers nobody Dontayvion Wicks, poor man’s Brandin Cooks Elijah Moore, and first-round pick Makai Lemon, who is already hurt. That means that the bulk of receiving duties will be handled by Pro Bowler DeVonta Smith, who weighs roughly a third of what Brown does. The team also drafted Vandy TE Eli Stowers to aid in the passing game, only to discover almost immediately that he sucks. In other words, this offense will again be dependent on Hurts and RB Saquon Barkley somehow running for another 3,000 yards on the ground together behind an O-line that’s a combined 500 years old. I have better odds of winning a Best Actor Oscar this year than of that ever happening.

Over on defense, Philly still has more than enough to win another empty division title. DT Jalen Carter and his overactive salivary glands are still aboard, and Roseman replaced the departed Phillips with former Vikings EDGE Jonathan Greenard in relatively cheap trade just before the draft. Greenard is fantastic at pressuring the QB. Tackling the QB, less so. He also gets hurt a lot. And to fortify an already loaded secondary, the Eagles signed CBs Riq Woolen and Jonathan Jones. Will any of these moves make the Eagles more fun to watch than they were a year ago? Heavens, no. No, go ahead and write these guys in for another 11-6 campaign that’s more depressing than a Lars Von Trier movie.

Now that Dan McQuade has died, there’s nothing interesting about Philadelphia as a city.

What has always sucked: This asswipe:

Is Big Dom the most powerful rent-a-cop working in America today? This Athletic story says: probably!

DiSandro has been with the Eagles since 1999. His role in the organization goes well beyond team security. He’s an adviser to Roseman, including researching draft prospects. He’s a resource for players, and he’s often cited by name when a player retires. He also wears a headset on the sideline during games and is formally considered a member of the coaching staff.

This is like if the Jets made Fireman Ed the special teams coach. Is it any wonder that everyone who works for the Eagles ends up resenting it? How would you feel if you worked here and the GM was like, “Oh hang on a second, let me run your game plan by King Meatball here to see if he likes it.” I’d feel more dignified working for a Kushner.

But I’m sure there are plenty of Eagles fans out there (white ones) who are like DAT’S OUR GUY! Because what is Philadelphia really but a city of Big Doms: swimming in dumpsters, greasing up telephone poles with their own fragrant chin oils, and topping their Wheaties with Velveeta every morning? The next Eagles fans I meet who doesn’t give off “guy talking loudly on speakerphone while waiting in line at McDonald’s” energy will be the first. This is a miserable city distinguishable only by the fact that it has a few colorful lawyer billboards and residents who only know six words beyond “go birds” and have the diction of a toddler on fentanyl. Philly deserves to have a championship team that even THEY can’t stand, with a belligerent fatass acting as its maitre’d. Fuck Big Dom, fuck Sirianni, fuck mute-ass Jalen Hurts, fuck Saquon and all of his future hamstring pulls, and fuck Philadelphia with a neutron bomb.

What might not suck: Love you, Dan. Also, your team is a pile of shit.

HEAR IT FROM EAGLES FANS!

Ben:

Your average Philadelphia Eagles fan would rather be right than be happy. 

Paul:

We traded away the only demonstrably literate person in the city for the crime of being 100% correct about our quarterback. 

Jon:

We treat our GM like he's a one-name superstar, like Pele or something.

Chris:

The face of my franchise is a caricature of the most racist Italian you've ever met. They've won two Super Bowls in the last eight years and all anyone cares about is that Kangol hat wearing freak. I will be institutionalized by week 8 after Collinsworth goes on a five-minute tangent about him.

Michael:

Nick Sirianni looks like a racist cheesesteak cook.

Bill:

We go through OCs like Spinal Tap goes through drummers.

Todd:

The Eagles have never actually had a good QB, which explains why everyone in town is blissfully unaware Jalen Hurts is playing for his future this year. I'm sure his penchant for refusing to listen to coaches, pretending the middle of the field doesn't exist and putting less zip on the ball than my 75-year-old aunt could won't be an issue at all. A.J. Brown had multiple mental breakdowns playing with him, and they used to be best friends who won a Super Bowl together.

The Linc is like 25 years old and they're already talking about building a new one because there is never a price gouging greedy move nepo baby Jeff Lurie wouldn't do. Fuck Cheltenham High School graduate Benjamin Netanyahu's war cimes with John Fetterman's stroke riddled brain. 

Coderan:

Jalen Hurts is really cool. He's also not a top 10 QB but he works hard and speaks like a fortune cookie so he mostly gets a pass. 

The o-line and Saquon are fun when they aren't running security for White House UFC events. 

Teagan:

I think I was more upset when we traded away Reed Blankenship than when my boyfriend broke up with me. 

Jason:

Don Mattingly is so bad as a manager that I'm starting to think Mr. Burns was right about him. 

Kyle:

Philadelphia has a great history of black quarterbacks, including having one win Super Bowl MVP. But that doesn't even fucking matter to the slack jawed, mouth breathing greasy fucks that call into WIP after jerking off to Tanner McKee's one good play.

Naomi:

Any time a national media figure needs to juice their engagement, they can post anything mildly critical of the city of Philadelphia and get 4 million mouth breathing morons yelling about how our version of beef and cheese on bread is sacred or how our gas station food is the best in the country.

The Eagles were essentially a worse version of the Vikings for 50 years until we won the most improbable Super Bowl of all time, and now our soft ass fans shit their pants whenever someone has the gall to say maybe Jalen Hurts has some flaws in his game. Our genius “CEO” offensive head coach can’t hire a coordinator or run an offense to save his life and now we’re stuck with him because he has a ring.

Sean:

The most popular cheesesteak place in the city right now is owned and operated by a convicted criminal and is patronized by overly arrogant Italians from the suburbs who post alternative cures for herpes on their social media accounts. I fucking hate it here. Fuck Joe Giglio and WIP with moldy rotten banana. 

Johnny:

If Nick Sirianni had to talk to the Bobs in Office Space about what exactly he does in a day, he'd have a gun in his mouth in a heartbeat.

Frank:

Since the hiring of Nick Sirianni, following the Eagles has felt similar to binge watching The Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck.

Brian:

Fuck A.J. Brown with a self-help book, sideways.

Nacho:

In five years as a head coach, Nick Sirianni has led us to the playoffs every year, two conference championships and one spectacularly entertaining Super Bowl blowout win. We're all miserable and calling for him to be fired. We do not deserve to be happy. 

Brian:

Every year I write in to tell McQuade to cut his hair. So in his honor, I'm gonna do it one last time.

Tell McQuade to cut his hair.

Travel well, buddy.

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