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Why Your Team Sucks

Why Your Team Sucks 2022: New York Giants

Daniel Jones
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Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2022 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: New York Terrible Football Giants.

Your 2021 record: 4-13. Normally when the Giants are bad, and they usually are, they’re quietly bad. They win four games and then the Maras adopt their best Lorne Michaels voice and muse, “Well, it was only four wins, but they were the right wins.” Not this time. No no no my friends, the 2021 Giants were so shitty you could hear it from across the ocean. You could see them failing from space. A volcanic turd flare shot out of the Meadowlands and nearly touched the moon. Tides were altered. Entire coastlines drowned. Even the Jets had a more dignified season, and they’re the JETS.

Care for proof of these claims? I’ll gladly provide it. The Giants fought each other the first day of camp, and not in the I love my guys being chippy out there! way. They lost their final six games by an average score of 27-9. They were swept by the WFT. They managed four passing yards in a single half against the Bears, who themselves finished 6-11. They bunched their receivers together down the field like a soccer team comprised exclusively of six-year-olds. The Mannings joked that their quarterback was colorblind. They fired their offensive coordinator and replaced him with Freddie Kitchens (didn’t work). They somehow fucked up a free soda giveaway. Football Outsiders had them ranked, statistically, as the worst Giants team of the past 40 years. And then there was The Sneak Heard Round The World:

“Interesting formation.” Sure was, Chris! That sneak was one of two. Not often you see a professional football team trot out the victory formation while parked directly in front of their own end zone in the first half of a game they’re losing. But that, my friends, is The Joe Judge Difference. Ever since Bill Parcells choked to death on a ham sandwich, the Giants have trotted out a litany of forgettable head coaches. But who among you will ever forget Joe Judge? Who will forget that sneak, or Judge lecturing the press in an accent so fabricated that he somehow sounded like Emeril, or, Other players around the league wish they could take a pay but to play for me! or, We’re not like all the other clowny clown teams! Joe Judge is every first boss any of you have ever had, and he should come with an FDA warning label affixed to his idiot forehead. AND THE GIANTS DIDN’T WANNA FIRE HIM.

They took three days to fire this guy. Three endless, miserable days. The entire world knew that Joe Judge was a fraud the day he was hired for this job. But John Mara was still like, Let’s give him a bit more time. John Mara is the ideal straight man for every aggro boob working in the NFL today, and he is proof that you guys officially have an Owner Problem. James Dolan may as well own the Giants. Can’t do any worse. I hope John Mara gets the super long COVID: the one where you forget like what a spoon is.

Anyway, Judge is gone now. He got fired and then bought his staff pizza and beer like he was an editorial director dealing with a three-crisis week. Also gone is legendary GM/binder salesman Dave Gettleman, who was allowed the courtesy of retirement after systemically dismantling a roster that had never been properly mantled to begin with. Does this mean the Giants are finally on the right … truck? I say yes.

Your coach: BEHOLD THE TRUCK.

Good thing my man had a Ford F950 Ultra Mega Duty to handle the forbidding terrain of a fully plowed driveway. That’s former Bills offensive coordinator Brian Daboll. By going from Joe Judge to Daboll, the Giants have collected both parts of the Jersey Turnpike Road Rage set. And if you think that’s being unkind to Daboll, I’ll have you know that the new guy first broke into the NFL coaching ranks as an assistant for… NO! NO!!!

Da kiss of death

The last Giants head coach to get a HC job anywhere else was Dan Reeves. This job either ruins people or attracts only the biggest freaks. Keep that in mind before you get all horny for this little regime switch. Daboll comes to New York paired with former Bills assistant GM/McBain music guy Joe Schoen, and he’s a legit upgrade over Judge because honestly, who wouldn’t be? But before you go saying to yourself, “Hey man, Brian Daboll worked wonders with Josh Allen,” it’s important to remember that Josh Allen is talented, and that the Giants quarterback is …

Your quarterback: Dave Gettleman’s Cruelest Mistake.

“It’s my first day!”

The Giants themselves had a chance to draft Josh Allen in 2018. Instead, they drafted a shitty running back, sucked for another year, and HEY PRESTO! The future is now lightyears away. Schoen said nice things about Jones (why?) in his opening presser, and then wisely declined to exercise the quarterback’s fifth-year option. Did the Giants draft a QB to replace Jones a year from now? No. Did they take a flyer on a rookie free agent QB? Again, no. Is there ANY hope that this can become a credible passing offense anytime before 2025? Motherfucker, are you new here? It’s the Giants. Even when this team wins Super Bowls, its offense looks like a metastasizing staph infection.

Your backup is Tyrod Taylor, who’ll take over from Jones in Week 11 only to get benched yet again. The best QB on this roster is probably the offensive coordinator.

What’s new that sucks: Like the cross-stadium Jets, the Giants had two top 10 picks in the draft this past April. Also like the Jets, they eschewed picking a quarterback in favor of building around a quarterback who looks like a paperboy from 1956. They took defensive lineman Kayvon Thibodeaux, who, in keeping with the times, launched his own cryptocurrency called $JREAM. “JREAM” stands for “Journey to Readiness in Enrichment and Academic Mentorship.” Shocking that Russell Wilson didn’t coin that acronym first. Then the Giants took left tackle Evan Neal, who’ll give Jones all the time in the world to throw the ball two yards behind the line of scrimmage to a fullback.

Elsewhere, this roster is still a disaster. Imagine losing Evan Engram and somehow being worse off for it. That’s the Giants. They also lost guard Will Hernandez and safety Jabrill Peppers. Devastating. Like a death in the family, really. Meanwhile, despite shedding themselves of Judge, the Giants still managed to disgrace themselves by welching on hiring Brian Flores and continuing their hallowed tradition of despising their own wideouts.

Kadarius Toney is still on this roster, but maybe that’ll change when he shows up on a boat somewhere during the bye week. After that, you’re in big trouble, young man! Hope you like getting traded and then winning Super Bowls with the Rams while living in an objectively better city! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAD IT HERE, BUDDY.

What has always sucked: Saquon!

“I’m down on him — he still doesn’t know how to play running back enough,” a veteran NFL offensive coach said. “He’s a bouncer. He wants every run to be a home run. He’s going to have to learn that four-yard runs in this league are good, instead of stopping, cutting it back and losing two. And he gets his ass kicked in protection.”

It says a lot about the Giants that the most exciting moments they’ve had this decade are the roughly three 20-yard gains that Saquon Barkley has treated them to over that timespan. Here’s a guy who’s promising only when he’s injured.

But that’s what the Giants and their fans deserve. You deserve a lifetime of failed attempts to recreate 1990. You deserve a subway system that has its own wet season. You deserve the Maras hiring optimized thumb coaches. You deserve Mike Francesa mainlining Diet Coke while yammering endlessly about betting on the ponies at Saratoga with Parcells. You deserve quarterbacks who look like they don’t know how to do their own laundry. You deserve an inevitably doomed attempt to replicate the success of an even more doomed franchise located across the state. You deserve that fucking stadium, which has all the atmosphere of a trip to the dry cleaners. You deserve to eat my ass, and Lord knows you all have the waistbands to accommodate it. Open wide, you fucking slobs.

Ratto says: The two New York teams have combined to win a quarter of their games in three of the last five seasons, which means that going to a Giants or Jets game is an act of unjustifiable optimism that should be dealt with only in probate court. John Mara has become a dotty patrician of the most arrogant form, thus turning his rivalry with Jets owner Woody Johnson into a battle between rich dullards that could mar both franchises for years to come—not that you’d notice, as they have not each won a playoff game in the same season since 1986. The Giants are bringing back their 1980s-era jerseys for a couple of games this year to fool the sheep into thinking 80-year-old Bill Parcells is coming through that door. But after Ben McAdoo, Pat Shurmur, Joe Judge and what we expect of Brian Daboll’s career, hiring an 80-year-old Bill Parcells would be just the kind of Mara-esque marketing ploy that Giant fans would crave.

What might not suck: They only have one primetime game this season! You’re free!

HEAR IT FROM GIANTS FANS!

Kyle:

My oldest son just turned seven and he’s never known a fall of me not angrily yelling at the television. 

Ian:

We’re the Jets with less personality. We should honestly rebrand as The Opponents. 

Kenneth:

I have never felt such catharsis than when they pulled the 3rd-and-nine QB sneak and the crowd erupted in boos so loud you’d think there were more than twenty fans still attending the games. That was my “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore” moment — just a wonderful, spontaneous mass explosion of disgust, hatred and anger. For once I felt something other than depression while watching this team; I felt jolted alive. There is clarity when you hit rock bottom; for me that play is the greatest moment of the entire season. 

Scott:

You can make a very strong case that Dave Gettleman’s tenure with the Giants was the worst GM’ing in the history of the NFL. Naturally, the Giants threw him a retirement party: an actual, on-field, party before the last home game. Attended by friends, family and John Mara as enraged fans looked on. 

Mike:

My favorite game of the year is when they’ve reached enough losses that I can stop caring.

Brian:

After this season we’ll probably be parting ways with a No. 2 overall pick and a No. 6 overall pick, and we’ll likely be better off for it. Thanks Gettleman. 

Ryan:

Four years from now they’ll draft the next Daniel Jones.

Erik:

Every time Daniel Jones’s brain collapses as he tries to read the field and tucks the ball to run head first into a linebacker I lean on my elbow Willy Wonka-style.

John:

The Giants were caught with a blatant disregard for the minimum NFL fair hiring practices and somehow turned that into a distant offseason story behind, “Maybe Daniel Jones finally makes it happen,” and, “We might trade a wide receiver we drafted in the first round last year.”

Rob:

We could have had Brian Flores, but instead the Giants sham-interviewed him, Bill Belichick texted congratulations to the wrong Brian, he sued the league, and now we have a guy who looks like someone you’d see at a bowling alley bar and shouldn’t talk to under any circumstances. 

Erik:

The best thing that ever happened to Daniel Jones is people seeing how much worse this team was with Mike Glennon.

Dan:

As of this email the Giants are $21 million over the cap and have maybe one guy you would roster in a ten-team fantasy league. 

Ryan:

The Giants means-tested a fan appreciation giveaway worse than Biden did with the COVID checks. I half expect John Mara to email us asking for $15 after each loss this season.

Jared:

They make Eric Adams look like a competent person.

Ben:

I stopped watching football like 10 years ago, and it seems like the most significant moment I’ve missed is our quarterback faceplanting on national TV 20 yards from a genuinely impressive touchdown.

Jeremy:

It took the Giants four years to realize a general manager who thought taking a running back No. 2 overall and that Daniel Jones was worthy of the No. 6 pick probably had no fucking idea what he was doing. Also, MetLife Stadium has the ambiance of a $1.6 billion air conditioner. Nothing brings out not-so-subtle racism from an old white dude from Cilfton like invoking the name Odell Beckham Jr. 

Jeff:

They’ll inevitably be back in the Super Bowl sometime this decade and won’t deserve any of it.

Ben:

Lawrence Taylor is a child rapist. The charges were reduced to misdemeanors with a guilty plea…. but a guilty plea that confirms Taylor had sex with a child. He had to register as a sex offender. And this wasn’t like, back in the 90s. This was 2010. He was 51 years old at the time.

LT continues to be revered as a fucking god here. On July 20 of this year (the day I am sending this in), Taylor was prominently featured in a promotional video on the official @Giants Twitter for throwback jerseys. He is New York royalty and it’s not even a conversation.

Kevin, Section 326:

After losing 37-10 in which Daniel Jones made one nice pass to earn him yet another season to get it right, I spent three hours on the George Washington Bridge questioning why I give this classy organization my hard earned money every year to watch boring ineptitude with 80,000 other assholes. At least they gave me a free medium soda to split with the other three people I go with. Thanks, Mr. Mara.

Jack:

I sat in a five-hour online queue to get London tickets to watch Giants v Packers only to find there were none left. I was angry for about 10 seconds before remembering that when they’re down by 24 points at the half, I would be able to just switch off the TV, rather than sit in the stands mourning the hundreds of pounds I’d wasted by paying to watch this shit for brains team in person.

Charlie:

Week 5, 2021 – Rams at Giants: The 1-4 Giants are down 28-3 heading into halftime. But all is not lost, because at halftime, there was a celebration of the 10-year anniversary of the 2011 Super Bowl. A nice trip down memory lane to a time when this team actually created pleasant memories for its fanbase. 

Various executives and former players addressed the crowd, and then John Mara steps up to the mic and gets booed to another dimension (can confirm; I was there). So much so that he pussied out of speaking to the crowd again during the Week 12 halftime ceremony where they retired Michael Strahan’s jersey. Literally the second-best defensive player in franchise history and the fucker didn’t have the balls to show up. 

Matthew:

I’m writing this email the morning after the Week 2 TNF loss to at the gun to Washington down in Landover, Maryland so that my feelings remain crystal clear.

The past few years have brought their fair share of game-winning field goals kicked against the Giants from nigh improbable distances. But never before have I seen a potential game-winning kick sail wide, all but handing the win to the Giants… only for a boneheaded mistake on special teams from team helmed by a coach whose ENTIRE GODDAMN CAREER WAS SPENT IN SPECIAL TEAMS.

It’s actually gotten to the point where I kind of envy my brother who’s a Jets fan. He never goes into a season thinking his team is a contender, and his Sundays are all the more stress-free for it.

The only thing stopping the Giants from being irrelevant are the ‘07 and ’11 SB wins. Take those away and they’re the Houston Texans.

Fuck Joe Judge. Fuck Dave Gettleman. Fuck Jason Garrett, Pat Shurmur, Ben McAdoo and every other failcoach we’ve had the past few years, Fuck the mouthbreather fans calling in to WFAN and insisting this team can get it figured out, and double fuck our soulless, toilet bowl-shaped, AirBnB rental-ass stadium. Go Giants.

Steve:

Dave Gettleman did untold horror to this franchise, from incomprehensible draft picks, to wrecking the salary cop beyond belief, to jettisoning beloved players because they made the mistake of enjoying playing a game professionally. And yet, John Mara let him leave with dignity. He didn’t fire Gettleman and throw a free medium Pepsi in his face on the way out. He let him retire, the way you would an aging legend whose time has come. The same John Mara who forced the league to make taunting a penalty only to watch his team get clowned on the entire season. I can’t even get excited about an outside hire because they still have to report to this schmuck.

Chris:

Remember Dave Brown? He sucked. Like Daniel Jones, he also went to Duke. Now is successful in finance because of course he is.

Aaron:

My team sucks ass, Drew. And I could live with that! Lots of teams suck. The Knicks are perennial losers. But the worst part is the Giants are so fucking delusional about it. This team thinks they’re the fucking blood royalty of the NFL when for the past ten years we have a worse record than the Jags. We’re the only Victorian era team in sports. Daniel Jones clearly sucks ass and will never be a good quarterback, so I can’t wait for our new coach to think he’s Josh Allen and send him barreling into a 400-lb. DT only for Jones to turn into a pile of pencil shavings. Saquon Barkley has devolved into a walking tackle-for-loss. Kenny Golladay was the worst free agent wide receiver signing in the NFL since the Giants signed Golden Tate only two years earlier. I hate this team so much

Matt:

Let’s say Daboll (who quite frankly, looks like a Nazi meathead) works wonders with Jones. Best case scenario is he throws 25 TD’s and 10 INT’s. Then what? Pay him $40 million a year? To a guy with a neck injury? 

Our DC is a dude named Wink. He relies on a strong secondary for his shit to work. Guess what we don’t have?

Fuck Dave Gettleman with Eli Apple’s toilet. 

Submissions for the Defector NFL previews are closed. Next up: Carolina Panthers.

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