Why Your Team Sucks 2020: San Francisco 49ers

Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: San Francisco 49ers.

Your 2019 record: 13-3. NFC champions. Took a 10-point lead into the fourth quarter against Kansas City in the Super Bowl. In fact, the Niners held that lead for over half of that fourth quarter. AND THEN...

Normally, the question “How do you not fucking cover Tyreek Hill?” answers itself. But this was the best pass defense in football a year ago. You don’t get to be like, “Well gosh he’s just so fast, that one!” Jimmie Ward is no snail. Yet, one basic cut and Ward ended up so far away from him that Hill could stop and WAIT for that pass, like he was returning a goddamn punt. Five minutes later and the lead was gone. How could this happen? You guessed it…

Your coach: Mother. Fucker.

There he is, the man responsible for the two worst collapses in Super Bowl history. Kyle Shanahan could have two rings and a gold toilet by now if he ever learned to run the goddamn ball. He had the best backfield in the NFL when he was with the Falcons, and his Niners ran for 285 yards against the Packers to GET to last season’s Super Bowl. It’s as if God himself came down from heaven and carved RUN THE FUCKING BALL into his forearm. Did Kyle note that scar? Did he realize the bountiful rushing gifts at his disposal in either of those delicate moments? FUCK AND NO, he did not. Instead, against the Chiefs, he called 32 pass plays against 22 runs. Would you like to see one of those passes?

When you are Kyle Shanahan, you are never on the good end of a miracle. I never have to worry about this man winning a title now, because his M.O. is set in concrete. He will get a lead, and then his dick will take over playcalling duties.

Your quarterback: POOL BOY!

You probably should not have thrown that ball. I just watched Jimmy Garoppolo win an NFC title and I remain thoroughly convinced that he isn’t worth a shit. He is Italian Kirk Cousins. If it’s a playoff game and the Niners aren’t running for nine yards a carry and the defense isn’t getting a sack every other play, Garoppolo is essentially useless. He is a sprig of parsley. Trusting him to throw the ball is like trusting Michael Jackson to babysit. I watched Garoppolo piss away that game against the Cardinals on Sunday. I know a fraud when I see it.

In a way, it’s almost unfair that Kyle gets all the shit for that Super Bowl collapse when Garoppolo had Emmanuel Sanders WIDE fucking open down the field and still overthrew him with the kind of gracelessness that warms Eli Manning’s cornbread. You fucking choked, Jimmy. The Patriots were right to treat you like a re-gifted bottle of wine.

What’s new that sucks: I remember the last time the Niners had a suddenly monstrous defense. It was back in 2011. Jim Harbaugh was the new coach. The Niners made the NFC title game. Every linebacker on that team was the second coming of Bill Romanowski. Then Kyle Williams dropped two punts, the Niners chased out Jim Harbaugh, and everyone on that defense retired. Really worked out well.  

The bill is coming due again. Forced to pay bank to Arik Armstead, GM and boyish imp John Lynch traded DeForest Buckner to the Colts without warning, then drafted Javon Kinlaw as Buckner’s replacement. If you think that Lynch can afford more reinforcements than that, you would be wrong.

Let’s focus on the offensive collapse that’s also forthcoming. After trading for Sanders in the middle of last season, the Niners let him walk to Drew Brees, who will NOT fuck up any downfield throws headed Sanders’s way. Downfield speedlord Marquise Goodwin is also gone.  The Niners signed glorified punt returner Travis Benjamin to replace both men. Joe Staley retired. Here to replace him is former Washington all-pro Trent Williams, who will retire in Week 12 with a skull clot. Also here from Washington—because what better pedigree can an NFL player have?—is future CTE revelation Jordan Reed. FUN FACT: I have not seen Jordan Reed start a football game since 1993.  

Deebo Samuel broke his foot in the offseason. Matt Breida signed with Miami. Jerick McKinnon is back from his 87th season-ending injury, which means I’ve already been treated to headlines that say shit like, “McKinnon Not Afraid Of Re-Injury, Certain Death.” George Kittle got a monster extension. Somehow, Kyle Jusczkykzwwdlkjw will still be this fanbase’s favorite player. If you’re high as shit, you can sync up this team’s coming regression to the mean to “Dark Side of the Moon” and have your skull blown.

What has always sucked: Like I said, we’re already on the downside of this iteration of the Niners. A secondary demoralized by Patrick Mahomes seven months ago will tug that black cloud around with them wherever they go from now on, like they have it on a fucking leash. The front seven will steadily erode. The offense will do likewise. Nick Bosa will tweet out BLUE LIVES MATTER right around Election Day and then insincerely walk it back. Shanny will make the same mistakes over and over again while Robert Saleh walks to a long-deserved head coaching job and takes all of the team’s credibility with him. And when the team lets fans back into the stadium, no one will show up anyway because going to a Niners game in that dump is an open request to suffer a heat stroke. The Niners got in on lethal crowding before the rest of the NFL did! THE TRUEST DISRUPTION.

Ultimately, owner Jed York won’t give a shit about any of this. I know Little Jeddy pops out of his rec room every now and then to say the right thing, but ultimately he’s already fulfilled all of his ambitions. He got himself an ugly-ass stadium that even the Rolling Stones will never play in again. The Rolling Stones would play at a fucking baby shower, man. He got a respectable season out of his team that makes it look like he’s Serious About Winning. And he gets to be rich. This was a storied franchise in a storied city once. That city is all but gone, and the team that left it has all the appeal of a remodeled airport terminal. No city in America is as determined to ruin itself as San Francisco has been. That’s why it deserves eternal visitation rights with this rotten diaper of a team. THIRD AND 15 THIRD AND 15 THIRD AND 15 THIRD AND 15 THIRD AND 15.

What might not suck: Richard Sherman is about to enter his second washed-up asshat phase. What kind of KRAYZEE shit will he pull that grows old in a matter of minutes? TUNE IN!      

Ratto says: “The media line beneath Kyle Shanahan's desk is a lengthy one, which means he probably needs a comeuppance at some point just for his own good. He has a general manager in John Lynch who works for him, which is a nice perk for any coach, and his two most important offensive players, Brows Garoppolo and Gronk-Lite Kittle, both submitted to TFDs—Team-Friendly Deals—that make the organization both thrifty and clever, which gets you great nerd points. Kittle, frankly, should have just said, ‘I play three positions for you, and my idea of a team-friendly deal is that I'll only make you pay me for two,’ but he's one of those ‘I'd play football for almost nothing because I love it so much’ types.

“But Shanahan is the face of the team, because he is the offensive warlock who prefers running the ball and a great defense. What we need, then, is a full-blown tantrum in a presser, on the sideline or in a staff meeting -- which we won't get for the same reason they avoid Hard Knocks like it's delivered in nerve gas canisters. Kyle has it in him to act like every coach you've ever hated, mocked or wanted fired, but he's too smart to let you catch him at it. What a bastard.”

HEAR IT FROM NINERS FANS!

Matt:

Nick:

Victor:

Devin:

Patrick:

Ty:

Jon:

James:

Jean:

Patrick:

Travis:

Kyle (not that one):

Nick:

Steve:

Matt:

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