Sometime in the middle of the night on June 21, a man quietly walked the banks of Pittsburgh's Allegheny river, made his way past marina security and found his prize, an 82-foot yacht. He unmoored the ship and set adrift to seek adventure and outrageous fortune on the seas, or, more directly, the scenic shores of the Rust Belt.
It was not meant to be. The game was up the next morning when someone at the marina called the yacht's captain to see if they just happened to know where their boat was located. Police and water rescue found the boat down river and arrested a man who, by most evidence seemed to have thrown a party on the yacht, despite the fact he could not, in fact, start the engine. The man allegedly told police, "I took the boat, I wanted to meet some Pittsburgh Pirates."
Police will call this man a criminal, after all he stole a yacht belonging to a local CEO who was accustomed to entertaining guests on his ship. And sure, that's what criminal means under the strict lines of the law, but this is no villain! This is an aspirational hero! This is man who should inspire us! It is a universal truth that there is no better place to be in the horrible depths of a hot and sticky summer than on a boat. Wind and water mingling to cool you down as you soak in beautiful vistas while sipping on a cocktail with a tiny umbrella? Who wouldn't want to fight for this? Maybe being on a boat is exactly what we all need this summer.
And I think I have the perfect target: Mark Zuckerberg's new yacht, "Launchpad." Yes, the Facebook founder and Meta CEO, who has not successfully gotten anyone to believe in his metaverse nonsense, whose company has played a part in unraveling democracies and ankling the media industry, has a 118 meter (or 387 foot) yacht called Launchpad. What do we know about this boat? Per Business Insider:
"Little is known about the luxury vessel, which was said to have been built for a sanctioned Russian businessman before it was handed over to the Dutch government, which served as a middleman for the purchase. Her final purchase price is unknown, but it's safe to say a yacht of that size from that shipyard would cost nine figures upfront and millions a year to maintain."
Business Insider
Zuckerberg's worth is measured in the billions and places him in the ranks of the richest men on the planet, including other illustrious wealth-hoarders like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. And, just like those two, he decided to do the thing that rich white guys love to do the most, measure their bank account by hull length. Now Zuckerberg is taking his family on trips in the Mediterranean, where they can enjoy the ship's pool, gym, helipad and, I assume some sort of Meta Quest Lawnmower Man room where no one comes out unscathed.
"Whether Zuckerberg shows up as a bon vivant or doting family man this summer, Launchpad fits well into one of the most successful CEO rebrands in recent years," writes Business Insider's Madeline Berg, "in which Zuckerberg went from being perceived as a robotic, mistrusted tech nerd to a kind-of-relatable, fun, fit tech bro."
First off, Business Insider why are you sucking up to one of the richest men on the planet? Enough! We've had to tolerate his MMA fighter phase, and it was bad enough earlier this spring when Zuckerberg was being gassed up just for having the sense to let someone dress him better. He would not be the first man to make the mistake of thinking that "wearing a chain gives him a personality.
Yes, I know I said everyone enjoys the boating life, but you and I live in an entirely different reality, one where we do not get to ensconce ourselves in comforts that require around-the-clock staff, or throw off enough carbon emissions to bring the apocalypse clock closer to midnight.
Are we just supposed to sit by idly while he takes one step closer to supervillany? Do we need to wait until he builds a private "family retreat" on Spider Dagger Island before we should intervene? I say no! Since we have moved past the point of impounding the yachts of the rich and dastardly, what choice is there? If we cannot seize the means of production from the wealthy, then it's time to start with the means of recreation.
To be clear, I cannot condone skullduggery of any kind! Defector's legal counsel is repeatedly telling us we should not entice people to do crimes. I am not saying seize the yacht. I am simply acknowledging the fact that if someone were interested in a high seas heist they should absolutely be sure to cross into international waters. And if someone did do that, they definitely wouldn't want to align with the yacht staff to better overthrowing the yacht's power structure. And in the event someone were able to get this megayacht out of the hands of a wealthy person matching a similar description to the CEO of a social networking site, they should definitely watch some YouTube tutorials on how to drive a boat first.
