Today we were discussing gifts for young children, and Jasper surprised us all by telling us that kids "go wild for $2 bills." Kids, and Barry. Here are the best bills.
1. $2. So rare! So delightfully wrong; receiving one feels like briefly being transported to a parallel dimension where everything is just slightly off, like you'd break your $2 to purchase a Poca-Cola. Did you know the front ("obverse") of the two-dollar bill is the oldest of any current U.S. banknote, going unchanged since 1929? Did you know the number of two-dollar bills being produced is actually increasing?
If you want $2 bills, you can order them directly from your bank. But I believe that to be cheating. You must acquire them randomly, in the wild, perhaps from an increasingly archaic bill-to-bill changer, or perhaps as change from your supermarket that just made a bank run and wants to get rid of the weirdo notes. When you receive a two-dollar bill, you know you have been blessed.
2. $20. The workhorse of the day-to-day economy. Versatile enough to combine to cover large purchases while taking up relatively little wallet space, but also to cover small impulse buys while providing manageable amounts of change. From dinner out to a lone candy bar—the 20 can do it all. Jackson and Grant should switch bills, though; Ol' Hickory doesn't deserve something this nice.
3. $5. The booze bill. No one's ever regretted having a bunch of fives at happy hour, or to tip at an open bar. The five-dollar bill was perhaps more useful in a time before inflation made it so that not a single consumer product costs less than $5, but around here we respect our elders' accomplishments, and their ongoing contributions to society. And not for nothing, $5 is roughly the most you can spend without feeling like you're Actually Spending Money.
4. $100. They don't write rap songs about lame bills. Having a $100 bill—usually so crisp and fresh—makes you feel like a big shot rich guy. Look at me, I'm Mansa Musa! Unfortunately, points off because it makes me nervous to carry that much on me.
5. $10. An odd duck, sort of like an in-betweener too-small power forward. Maybe not ideal for today's game, maybe can't really create its own shot, but a great team player—the $20 wouldn't be nearly so well-rounded if not for the $10 backing him up, as change.
6. $1. Should be a coin.
7. Getting run over by the Brink's truck.
8. $50. Why do you even exist?
